- Member Since 24th Jan, 2016
- offline last seen Jan 15th, 2021
ForgottenDreams
I bid you welcome traveler let this ancient storyteller do what he does best. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcsS60n04i48UCZJ0lYPGsQ
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People will hate this I'm sure, but I loved this fic which goes to show I'm easy to please. Lol
7021346 Can't beat a good boob job. Right?
7021424 lol right
Well I missed the 300 mark
but I'm still gonna do it. THIS IS SPARTA
This reads contrived and stereotype. None of that is a problem for me personally but I can see why people are bothered.
The fast-paced and shallow set-up is perfectly okay for a bit of clop but I'd like to see each part of the sex explored a bit more, some more description of what is going on. "the best boobjob ever" is so much more fun when given a few more sentences.
I recommend reading it through 2-3 times more if you wish to improve it, run a spell-check and try to get sentences, descriptions and generally just wordage to become a bit more dynamic. This looks like a first draft and can be highly improved.
I understand that it is a short, short-story for the sake of sexy times and that is fine, just elaborate a bit.
Reads alot like a hentai, actually. If one were to read an episode of some hentai.
Also, the womb-penetration may be a fetish but it comes out of nowhere and is kinda weird. Even hitting the cervix is painful to a woman. So that act is a bit "everything I know, I learned from hentai".
If it's a fetish thing, but all means, go nuts, otherwise, it's just wrong.
Final point, if you have a hard time stepping back and seeing your writing from different eyes, try to find someone to be your "editor" or whatever, to give notes on the structure and wording.
Go forth and create.
7064490 Thank you and your right I was using Hentai as a reference. It was just supposed to be a quick little clop. I appreciate the feedback
7064819
A bit more stable writing and/or just fixing it up. The enjoyment is true. Finicky about a bit and your words will be intriguing to just about everyone.
Good luck.
7065401 Thank you for the constructive criticism I only ever get trolls
which makes it difficult to improve
Well for what it is, its good, but a bit more substance never hurts and im also a sucker for Sunset storys so thats a plus.
Grate story glad this was the first sunset story I read.
7184442 Thank you
7185081 Your very welcome!
Amazing story ever
7194653 Thank you
I really like this. Great job. Wish there was a continuation of it though, but I always want that for good oneshots
This is great. I cant figure out why it has so many down votes. People on this page down vote great stories and upvote utter trash.
9438597
Those came from the first draft of this story. People didn't like that the original draft had hentai concept. It was a simple fix though.