- Member Since 8th May, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 9th, 2020
Oldtakufanboy
Original username Zoddtheimmortalone. I'm a fan of anime, but I enjoy the classics more. As for My Little Pony, I may not watch it as much, but I do like the show and I also love EG
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Bang? As in Bang Shishigami?
7699307
No. who's he?
7699335 Video game character from Blazblue.
7699343
Don't play it
Man you really good at story writing
7699601
Glad you say that. I feel like my story writing is improving little by little
Wellp. He's in trouble
Gonna have to leave a down-vote here. Wish fulfillment just doesn't do it for me.
7699635 mate doesnt improve little by little it improve alot by alot its because your stories are so captivating
7699917
Why thank you
7699961 its all good
Not interesting. The moment the oc is like I think she has a crush on me I was like nope. That's not endearing that makes him arrogant in that regard.
Finally! A main character who isn't oblivious!
Definitely keeping a track on this for awhile
Not bad, but when I was reading I noticed some things and I hope that this will help you improve in the long run.
First question, how does he know how old his teacher is (I don't know how old my teachers are to the exact year, I have relative guess based on physical appearance, but I don't their exact age), or where she lives (again, I don't know where my teachers live and even more importantly I don't too), or the fact that she enjoys watching Law in Order reruns (this is now getting to near stalker territory). Secondly, how do you know that the show Law and Order even exist in the Equestria Girls universe, it was never stated ever that the human world was literally our world.
In every line of dialog, you almost never state who is speaking afterward. Even though an intelligent reader would be able to understand what is going on and adjust. A more casual reader/unobservant reader might not be able to keep up is going on and get lost. Them possibly losing interest only a few paragraphs.
I recommend that you at least state you spoke after they say a line, for example with this line
After this you could say "She/My teacher said to down to Lemon Zest with a voice that was direct and filled with authority, while still retaining a fair of motherly assurance."
You see what am I saying. By just stating who is speaking you don't just help your audience with who is speaking but you also are able to go into detail with what the character in question is saying but also how they are saying it. Without this, I am only allowed to guess not just what character is speaking but also how they are speaking.
This goes along the same lines as with Law and Order, how do you know that Arizona even exists. Again, the movies (or even show) have never stated the human world of Equestria Girls is actually our world.
Question, what made him change his mind. What did Twilight do make him decide to let her tutor him. Was she giving him her best puppy dogs eyes? Was she slamming his head into the table until he agreed? Did he have a massive internal revelation as he was talking to Twilight? Did Twilight's ability to honestly not give a shit if tutoring him ruined her image make a lightbulb go off in his head. I don't know, that's why you tell me!
I'm not the first to criticize this, but really that's it. Not even a single question. Again, this quote is hurt by you not explaining what a character does after they say something. As far as I am aware is his mother says something that most readers would find unbelievable and then returns to her dinner as if nothing special had just happened. I can basically imagine her saying this quote in a straight monotone voice and continue eating. Even writing "My mom said with a shrug of her shoulders before she returned to the food that was on her plate. Her seemingly accepting the fake name that I had just came up for Twilight, somehow."
You see, detail! And lampshade how unlikely it is that she somehow believed the lie that the protagonist told.
Anyway, there are my major criticisms that I found in the chapter that I read and hope that they will help you improve in the future. There are some other minor ones that I would rather discuss in greater detail in a future posting.
I sincerely hope that this helps you become a greater writer in the future and this was made in no mean to bash you in any way. I seeming made a post as a way to help you improve your craft in the future.
I'm the HeroofBergen signing off until the foreseeable future.
Well... There's going to be more nerd sex... DUE TO THIS NEW INPUT OF INFORMATION, MY MIND IS GOING TO FRICKIN' MOTHER EXPLODE!!!
Mmmm noice
Oh man, i was really hoping for more but you cant always get what ye want but bravo man you really make good stories
Wait, that's it!?... At least tell me that they get into a relationship.
It was short but very charming.
Its a pretty sudden ending but Its pretty cute. This leaves much room for a sequel,
Call the fire department, we have flames of passion in here!!!
(Ha, this is my first time making that joke so far!!!)
If I had told my dad I was going to study with a girl, he would have said "I bet you're studying biology too"
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vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/epicrapbattlesofhistory/images/5/55/I_See_What_You_Did_There.png/revision/latest?cb=20140610225008
The House of Evolution..... one punch man reference?
8064989
You got it
I’m sure you would Ryan, I’m sure you would.
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Sorry dude... but Godzilla: King of the Monsters 2019, will knock that bullshit of a movie off its perch.
9066404
*laughs in Godzilla vs Kong*