• Member Since 24th Dec, 2015
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Flufux


While I may look like a human, I am a Velociraptor at heart.

T
Source

For the last 16 years, the tomboyish teenager now going to Canterlot High named Rainbow Dash lived the life of an ordinary girl growing up in the suburbs of Canterlot City. Her daily worries were usually about if she could ever beat her rival Lightning Dust in the school's soccer games, whether she could ever get over the messy breakup she had with Gilda, or finally admit that she had a crush on her lifelong best friend Fluttershy.

However, one day, Twilight Sparkle, another close friend of hers, took Rainbow as well as their other friends to the place where she was interning at: CelestiaCorp, a highly successful science and development corporation founded by the one and only Miss Celestia and her sister Luna.

When Twilight was showing them around the place, Rainbow accidentally ended up being bitten by one of the mutated spiders that the company had experimented on, altering her physiology and giving her extraordinary new abilities.

But what will she do with these new powers? Will she just use them for her personal gain, or could the brash and arrogant Rainbow Dash actually learn what it truly means to be a hero? Would she ever understand that with great power, there must always be an even greater responsibility to go with it?

The answer to that question would need to be answered soon though...for in the shadows, a deadly new villain was ready to make her grand debut...

This is the story of how Rainbow Dash became the Awesome Spider-Girl.


Pairings: FlutterDash and Sunlight, with hints of a previous Gildash relationship, as well as several minor side-ships.

Link to my Deviantart gallery, where I keep all the pictures used in this story.

Also, here's a link to a TV Tropes page I've been working on for it. Could use some help with that one though.

Chapters (29)
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Comments ( 219 )

Not bad actually, but you're grammar and sentence flow are terrible. All you need is a few rereads, and editor, and some polish. Other than, that it's okay

7022041 Terrible?!:raritydespair:

Can you please give me an example on what I did wrong so I can fix it?

I know I rushed some parts in this chapter simply because I wanted to be done with it (The first chapter before the conflict begins can be pretty boring). Also, I kinda had to make some changes at the last second to make the story qualify on this site (namely changing all the character's names to their original pony names rather than using my humanized ones).

Anyway, thanks for liking the overall story! :twilightsmile:

7022641
Just a small sentence like here (please take not that I'm no editor)

While the girl was sleeping completely under her covers, an arm shot out of it and lazily tried to find the button to turn off the alarm

It doesn't flow right, or should I say it feels like something is clogging it. Like when you Wrote "While the girl was sleeping completely". We know from the previous sentece she was sleeping, so you don't need to reinforce the action being played out (if sleeping is considered a action). Another thing "an arm shot out of it". Yes the cover is a thing and we use it as a sub because it doesn't have a name or it has an ambiguous gender, but here you could have just said "she lazily reached from under her cover". And lastly, this is just how I would have wrote it, I ain't no pro, but I've been here for a minute *cracks knuckles* ow...:fluttershysad:

"Rainbow lay fast asleep in bed until her alarm came to life. She lazily searched for the snooze button or anything to silence the buzzing clock."

But that's just me. You did a good job, and wrote a good story (which is not a common sight from new authors), and I'm impressed that you got it past 2k words let alone 6k, and this is the first chapter? Hit me up if you ever need advice also read mah storeeze :P

7022718 Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.:pinkiehappy:

You give me a bit too much credit though, since this isn't my first story at all. It is just my first MLP story. On Fanifiction.net, I have already written a 50 chapter long 'Legend of Zelda' story that took three years to finish. Granted, I got relatively little feedback on that one and had to revise half of it because I wasn't proud of my writing at the time.

When I have a little more patience, I will read this chapter one more time and check to see if I can improve it.

7022741
I just made the jump to FanFiction.net
I'm working on a Zootopia one, I updated it yesterday, got over 1,780 views in just that day.

7022747 I haven't seen Zootopia, is it good?

By the way, do you have any thoughts on the story itself rather than just the writing?

7022870
It's one of Pixar's best of the 2010s so far, and as for the story. I think Twilight would have been better as Spidermare (Spider dash), since she fits Peter Parker's moniker better, but Rainbow was still a good choice. And actually, Rainbow would be Harry and since her and Celestia have Rainbow manes they could have been the Osborne's. As for action, it was a little rushed (word of advice, writing fanfiction is a hobby, a fun and fulfilling one, but a hobby nonetheless, so don't rush whenever you're writing. No one is holding a gun to your head, you control the story, it's length, and whenever an update comes out) not too telly, but it did get kind of dull at certain points.

7022885 The rush was more me wanting to get the first obligatory 'conflict-less chapter' out of the way so I could write about the fun parts later.

While Twilight would feel more like Peter Parker, I wanted to add a new twist to the story rather than writing the same story we all know...just with humanised ponies. The thing with Rainbow though is that she is not really as smart or modest as Peter or Twilight, which could potentially land her into trouble in the future.
:rainbowwild::facehoof:

Like I said, when my time and patience has been restored, I will go back and touch up this chapter a little bit.

7022885 I have now spent a few hours improving the chapter a bit, you might want to go back and see if the changes are to your liking. :raritywink:

Also,:rainbowhuh: the part you brought up with how 'Rainbow Dash was sleeping completely under the cover', I didn't mean that she was 'completely asleep', I mean that she was 'completely under the cover' while she slept.

7032335 I don't think Dash would call herself Spider-Dash. Isn't that like calling some wall crawling superhero the Spectacular Spider-Parker? I know that there's more than one Dash in the world, but still it narrows down the possible suspects rather considerably.

7035271 Oh, I know how silly it is.:facehoof: and said silliness will be brought up and joked about in the story itself. :rainbowlaugh:

Also, since MLP names are basically normal words and not unique names, it is a bit easier to get away with.

Fun fact: my original idea was that the characters would have humanised names, and their pony equivalents would be more Comic Book names, but...the story didn't qualify as being enough MLP related so I had to change the names back to their original ones. And by then, it was too late to change the name of the story.

7035335 Ah, so it's played up for comedic value? That's okay then.

This definitely caught my interest. A really strong way to start off. I look forward to the next chapter :twilightsmile:

7035271
For the record, if you've seen Danny Phantom, nobody ever made the connection between Danny Fenton and Danny Phantom.

7111729 Other than Vlad, Valerie, Sam, Tucker and Jazz?

Pretty interesting start, and I'm curious to see where this goes. Please keep it up.

7115468
7035440
Don't worry, I'm working on the second chapter as we speak:ajsmug:. But these chapters will take some time to make.

Great chapter :twilightsmile: Happy to know that the next one will be coming up soon.

Why make Celestia Norman Osborne? Isn't she not evil?

7156614 She's not:trollestia:, but CelestiaCorp is a family business, and think about it, who in Celestia's family has a hidden evil side?

7115630 yeah keep me updated on this story

7157160 more chapters please if u can find the time to do so

I was a bit uncertain on follow this story, but this chapter seal the deal! You got a new reader, pal.

7157921 So happy to hear that!:pinkiehappy:

By the way, what was it in this chapter that 'sealed the deal' as it were? Just curious.

7157958 Well, a little was the side moments with Vinyl and Octavia, the rest is how well written were the points where Dash discovers her newfound powers.

7157958 I'm also love this story. please continue this story I want to read even more of this story u got me hooked on this more chapters more more mooooooooorrrrrrrrre:pinkiecrazy::rainbowkiss::raritystarry::pinkiehappy:

7158050 The next chapter is almost done, so you don't have to wait too long. But remember, good sir or madame, that patience is a virtue and my writing gets a bit sloppy when I try to rush it. Good to know you have such enthusiasm though.:pinkiehappy:

7157985 I admit, I had a bit of fun writing Rainbow's reaction to finding out she had superpowers.:rainbowderp::rainbowhuh: Though I'm not entirely sure how the spider sense is supposed to work in the comics, but I think I made a pretty good interpretation of it.

Also, I love Vinyl and Octavia, it was fanfictions about them that got me interested in this site. So I couldn't, in good conscience, not include them in this story.

7158094 u actually did a perfect interpretation of the spider-sense exactly right on the mark:raritystarry::raritystarry::twilightblush::yay: keep it up and I'm guy who likes super sayian females:twilightblush::twilightblush::twilightblush:

Ah! Obviously Twilight is the "nerd-scientist" part of this spiderman (spidergirl)! And Spike, the always faithful assistant, is the one to put the superhero idea in Dash's head. Now, she need just the motivation to do it!

Man you have improved immensely, honestly. It made me laugh a little at some parts. Keep going

I'm going to guess Spike becomes that Lizard villain. And Sunset will be Doc Oct.

7261049 Thank you. I took some of your advice to heart and implemented a new proof-reading technique to my writing.

First step after finishing a chapter: read through it and correct any mistakes. Second step: Read it aloud and check if it sounds good. Third step: read through it and try to immerse myself in the actual story. For best effect should the steps be taken with a day's gap at least.

This is why I love constructive criticism, because it helps me become a better writer.:twilightsmile:

By the way, can you give me an example of a moment that made you laugh? :pinkiehappy:

7261210 I can tell you that she most definitively is in this story, but...I'm not going to spoil where she is right now:raritywink:. That is explained later.

7261185 Hmmm...good guesses. One of them is correct and one is incorrect.

7261324 That's mostly because I have only watched one episode of that series.

The obvious first-time errors when slinging with a web-shooter, hilarious! Especially the bit with Moondancer and the classical close encounter with a window. Man, how much I love Spider-man. But after the third film and the Ultimate series, the cinematic and animation quality is really dropped for me.

A suggestion for how Dash can get her costume without others knowing/suspecting her secret identity, could be that she'll start to practise the art of sewing! Or, as in the Ultimate Spider-man comic, getting the base (the bodysuit) for other reason and then modifying it with decorations and a bit of amateur sewing.

7261372 Web-slinging indeed isn't as easy as it looks...:rainbowderp:

With so many background and minor characters in MLP I can add just about anyone of them to play the role of a random bystander. Vinyl, Octavia and Moondancer are just the first so far. :derpyderp2::scootangel::twistnerd::eeyup::trollestia::unsuresweetie::coolphoto::applecry:

Hmmm...that part about the costume is an interesting idea...

I will definitively bring that into consideration when I get to that part of the story.

7261573 What did I tell you about patience? I am working on the chapters regardless, but I don't really like being rushed. No offence.

7261605 sorry I just love this story so much

7262033 Yeah I know. There is a reason I only watched one episode.

The episode I watched was the Deadpool one, and I didn't think it was that bad. However, that's mostly because that kind of fourth wall humour fits Deadpool quite well...even if it doesn't for Spider-Man. Makes me wonder why they didn't just make it a series about Deadpool instead.

7261769 It's okay. However, if you love this story so much, can you leave comments about something that actually happened in it rather than just begging me to release new chapters?

7262973 ok this story is always leaves me hanging

7264397 Writing long good quality chapters isn't something that can be done quickly. All good things take time, and this is no exception.

This is going to be an awesome fic! Keep it up!

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