Applebloom and Diamond Tiara.
Two little fillies with a world of differences between them.
But both have started down the road to Justice.
One stands in triumph, the other embraces tragedy.
One shines like a beacon, the other shrouds herself in darkness.
Two fillies, two heroes, a world of differences.
So this is sort of my take on a ponified DC Universe with Applebloom and Diamond Tiara in the roles of Superman and Batman. Hope you all like it!
Please leave a comment. I LOVE comments.
Chapters (6)
Diamond Tiara already has a butler, his name is Randolph. He is perfect for the role of Alfred. Instead of Scootaloo as Lois Lane, Featherweight should fit in that role because he is a photographer for the school's newspaper club. Scootaloo should be the Flash and Sweetie Belle should be Zatanna or Black Canary, which ever you choose.
I think this is a very interesting concept, one that is certainly worth exploring further.
Diamond is a good choice to play Bruce. You can do a lot with Diamond's character in this role - right now she's kind of a villain, but a redeemed villain can be a very interesting and complex character. Let's totally ignore that yes, she has a butler already, and look instead to what she can learn by being with Fancy Pants. There's a great chance that she'll become the kind of pony that learns the things that make Fancy such an upstanding pony despite all his money. There's already some established characterization for him, and I see a lot of good things being taught to Diamond as a result of his character.
Now Apple Bloom is something else. I really like how you played up her reaction to finding out she wasn't a normal pony. For a filly her age, discovering that she's something totally different would certainly be scary, more so since she spends so much time just trying to fit in with other ponies her age. It's also interesting that now her whole family and her closest friends know what she is, so how will that affect her later down the road?
There's lots of promising things one can expect from an approach to Superman and Batman from this. Your ideas sound good, and you're going to need a solid proofreader to help you along the way, but I for one am interested in reading more from this story, and hope that you continue to write more chapters. I will also give you credit that this first chapter had solid pacing to it despite the heavy word count. Good job on a successful first chapter!
The Good:
Preliminary casting looks solid, I'd object to how none of the other Crusaders got to be super heroes, but if you aren't expanding your universe beyond Superman/Batman it isn't really necessary. If you are, you should put a lot of thought into how casting works: its a lot more complicated than it looks.
Characterizations are also working well here.
Normally, I hate flashbacks of Superman and Batman's origins, because they don't add to the story and aren't completely necessary. But here, they nicely parallel each other and actually give more insight into the characters.
Despite what other people say, using Fluer and Fancy Pants is a good idea.
Repeating myself, because this works wonderfully: Paralleling the origin story, especially the shot at the end with their logo's, is terrific. Its one of the reasons I decided to follow this, the other being the word count.
The Bad:
Prose is a little beige, its not too bad, but as a fan of many of the old school super hero stories I'd suggest spicing it up a little. Don't go full silver age, but add some stuff here or there.
Golden Hex? Pearl Necklace?
...really.
Potential Bad:
I advise, in as many ways as possible, against writing this by the seat of your pants. Lots of stories like this use that method, and they are constantly bad. Plan this out. Don't make is an episodic story, write it like a movie novelization. Maybe some people can pull episodic off, but I have yet to see one. And I read a lot. Point is: Plan ahead.
As far as casting goes: Do not use O.C's, or background ponies that don't have established personalities, in major roles. Its not that "I only want to see the characters form the show, and no one else will do", it's that when casting, you don't want an ill defined character cast as a well know character. For instance, may people cast Soarin' as Green Lantern, and in most cases, he is indistinguishable from Hal Jordan. Contrast with Rarity as Iron Mare. Its pretty obvios how different she is. If you do use background characters or O.C's, draw up a rough character sheet describing what they are like before you figure out how the super hero side. It'll make telling the two apart much easier.
Oh, and I agree with what 5218128 said about Diamond Tiara. It was a nice touch.
5237675
I also agree with 5237675 in regards to this statement, "Do not use O.C's, or background ponies that don't have established personalities, in major roles." That's really key to interesting, character driven stories. I don't know if you consider this true, but your story comes across as character driven, or characters driving the plot of the story forward. Moving forward, Diamond and Bloom's actions will move the plot of the story as they start making choices about how to move their life forward after dealing with their conflicts.
This isn't to say that you shouldn't use OC's or background ponies at all, just that you flesh out the character you want them to have and make them round, complex characters with feelings and motives that may or may not help out your main characters.
Really looking forward to your next chapter
Not bad at all. This will be a pretty interesting approach to the girls taking on their superhero personas. You seem to have set it up so that Bloom and Diamond can have a working friendship down the line, and that is going to make things very interesting when they eventually start fighting crimes. Batman started off as a loner, so and Bruce Wayne didn't have close friends he trusted in the beginning, so it will be interesting to see how Diamond's origin story differs from his.
Same with Apple Bloom. Lots of important ponies she care and loves know her secret, so what kind of conflict is that going to cause when she starts her superhero path? There's lots of potential here for interesting paths for these characters to take. I'm really looking forward to when you write the next chapter.
Not surprising. I figured Apple Bloom and Diamond would have to be aged up for this concept to work, though it's not as much as I expected.
Reworking Superman's origins to fit with Apple Bloom here worked very well. There's only so many times that same story can be told, but this worked out well for the direction the story is taking. I have to admit I found it very interesting. I like how the new conflict for Apple Bloom is now "Where do I go from here?" because I honestly don't see what will happen to her next for her to go back to the fortress. I can't help but wonder if Diamond's subplot will meet up with Apple Bloom's now.
Also, very nice using Fancy as Diamond's Alfred. But I would imagine that he'd resist her doing what she's planning on. But... how are you going to change Batman's origin story to fit Diamond? It took Bruce from childhood to adulthood for him to get where he was in Batman: Year One. Even then, he wasn't The Batman yet. So where will Diamond end up, and how will she get the inspiration for the batman costume... I really look forward to seeing how you come up with that. So far this story has been a lot of fun to read, and I up you keep up the steady pace of updates you have going on.
Also... you need a story cover for this.
I guess this isn't too surprising. Diamond going out and doing what she had to, it seemed to go pretty smoothly, maybe a little too smoothly. But the ending of this chapter set up what I expected. Which is kind of a shame, but oh well. I would be surprised to see yet another jump forward in time for this story, because it feels a little unneeded. What Diamond goes through does deserve more growth, and you wrote it out quite well. I think personally the ending is disappointing, but oh well.
5336691
The story will definitely follow Diamond during her global training. I'm sorry the chapter was predictable. The last thing I want is for this to be a 'color-in-the-numbers' superhero story.
5336714
I think it's a little hard not to be some what predictable given the material you're working with. It's a given that Diamond is going to be Batman, and everyone who has an interest in this story is going to know Batman's backstory. There's no surprises to be had, aside from the way you go about putting your own spin on someone else's story, which I think so far has been pretty good. I think the disappointing thing about this chapter was that it puts an end to any more heroics from Diamond, without relying on a time jump where she's a grown mare and fully honed in her skills. It leaves the reader wondering what the point was of her actions here, all the studying she's doing and the training she's putting her body through, even controlling her rage and beating it, only to still say she's not ready and she needs to do more. Of course, it does make perfect sense - Diamond does what Bruce did, travels the world, educates herself, trains her body to perfection, and comes back ready to officially start Year One. I think that the lead up from the previous chapter made it feel like going into this chapter would be the start of Diamond's Year One.
Ultimately this is still a good chapter and it played out fairly well. My own pet peeves aside, I don't think you have anything to worry about, let alone apologize for.
Really happy to see this story got updated. Little sad though that it's just me commenting...
This chapter came out pretty strong. It's good to see so much character development for Diamond, though I found it really strange that she says her tiara is somewhere in her uncle's attic and then calls it her most prized possession.
Her philosophy on cutie marks was very interesting to read, and I'm glad you fleshed it out so well. It was interesting to see Bloom so passive about her own cutie mark, but with what she has going on in her life, it's really no surprise. I hope the next chapter shows a little more of her side of the story.
I'm still expecting another time jump for this story. It's kind of a shame too, but again that's just a pet peeve of mine. I can see why it's needed. It does feel a little rushed though.
I hope you'll be updating this again soon. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.
5413356
I hope you don't mind the time-jumps too much since there are going to be a few more.
The story follows the girls into adulthood. Kind of hard not to have time-jumps when your starting from childhood.
At least I'm not doing it Nolan-style and keeping the jumps in sequence.
5415514
Good point. And again I see why the story needs these jumps, but there is still a sense of rushing the plot. I'm probably wrong though.
I'm certainly looking forward to reading more when I can.
I think I'm starting to see where that "Silver Spoon: Barbara Gordon" casting from chapter one will be going.
Anyway, I'm enjoying the story and can't wait for more chapters.
Here are my thoughts when I read the first chapter, the Diamond Tiara part in particular:
Aw, look at that! They take her out to watch a movie! How nice!
.
.
.
Wait—watch a movie..? Oh no O_O
I'm glad to see this story updated again finally!
The chapter itself works pretty well. Not sure how much I like seeing it take from the events that happen in that one bad Superman movie. I think if anything this chapter feels a lot like a departure from ponies to DC comics. I guess that can be a good thing but it also leaves me concerned with how much this story may borrow from other sources rather than show off new ideas and approaches that fit more in line with Equestria. I'll certainly be eager to read the next chapter. And I guess Apple Bloom is wearing the new 52 costume huh? That whole sequence felt very well done.
with Diamond Tiara's story-line:
I can practically hear it already:
What in Tartarus are you?
I'm Batmare
.
.
.
no, wait: not awesome enough: I know!!!
I am Vengeance
I am the Night
I am BATMARE!!!
why do I have a feeling that there's going to be some kind of call-back to this in a later chapter involving Supermare and Batmare?
WHERE'S THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!!!!!
WHERE'S IS IT
6970687
Yeah, it has been a long time since I updated this. Between all my college classes, I can barely find the time to work on this fic. Not to mention I'm still kicking around ideas for two other fics, one not even on this site! I can say I am currently working on the next chapter (it's about halfway done) but I can't give a proper schedule nor can I say its even coming soon (because, if I'm being honest, it's probably not). But I haven't forgotten this fic and I do plan to continue it.