• Member Since 9th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 23rd, 2014

Diablomuerte2


The greatest source of inspiration for the stories I write is my insane day dreams.

E

(( Warning: This story hasn't been altered or modified since its entry into the contest. It has minor grammar issues and I am well aware of that, but I left it as is because that is how it was entered into the contest. Just a heads up because I am getting lots of feedback regarding the same issues.))

Sometimes secrets are best kept hidden, and sometimes they shouldn't be secret at all. The fillies are about to learn a valuable lesson that a certain filly was keeping from those she knew.

What happens when secrets unravel and the fate of five fillies are changed forever?

Second place in The Cuteness Overload Official Contest

Art by the wonderful iJab


Featured: 11/04/13 Thanks for all those who have read and enjoyed the story :)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 95 )

...

Scootaloo...with Diamond Tiara? Are you serious? Did you really write this? Oh my god...


MUST. READ. NOW.

I remember this.

Oh gosh, I've waited for this kind of story forevaaah :rainbowkiss:
ScooTiara deserves more love :heart:

You know, there is this little saying in the writing community: show, don't tell. This goes a long way in writing, and helps the reader "see" what's going on, instead of just reading about it. For instance instead of writing :

Sweetie Belle grew sad, "Why would she do that? We’re her friends."

you can write it as:

"W-why would she do that?" Sweetie Belle asked, tears welling up in her eyes. "W-we're her friends, right?"

or something along those lines.

Another problem I had with this story that's falling into the "telling" territory. You tend to tell us how your characters are feeling, not showing. Here's an example.

Silver Spoon was searching through town with no signs of Diamond Tiara. It was becoming depressing at the lack of results she gained from her efforts. She wanted to take a small break from seeking Diamond Tiara, until she noticed two thirds of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Instead of just telling us how she's depressed, and wanting to take a small break, why don't you show us? I'll give an example.

"Where is she?!" Silver Spoon growled to herself as she kicked a nearby can. She had been looking for Diamond Tiara for what felt like hours, with little success. It seems nopony had seen her friend at all that day. "Maybe I should just take a break?" she asked herself, spotting a nearby juice bar. Licking her lips in anticipation, she made her way to the juice bar, when she noticed two thirds of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

All in all, with how much you could add into this by just "showing" us what's going on, this would probably more than double in word length at the very least, and overall could potentially make this into a great romance fic. I have more problems with this story, such as the characterization of DT but let's not get into that. All in all, I'd have to give this a 4/10.

3443249 Not to be a dick but This was written long ago before my showy not telly writing came into play. So your review holds no weight on me since this story wasn't current. It was written ages ago. Still thanks for reading :)

I now need to go to the doctor for sweetness overload

Dammit! Why must filly love be soo ADORABLE?! :raritydespair: My heart, it burns for this pair..:raritywink:

Cute story, though I had issues with the idea that Diamond's characterization. Too blank flank focused, when Diamond has been shown to not have an issue with blank flanks in general, not to mention she never spent much time picking on them for being such prior to "Call of the Cutie", as she was a blank flank then herself. She also wouldn't be inclined to think of herself as mean. She might sort of indirectly apologize for thinking they were worthless, but that's most likely as far as she would go. And while she could be brought around to realizing she was mean (in part due to Scootaloo's words hurting her), she would be very unlikely to call herself a bully. This is, after all, the filly who referred to her threat of (rather karmic) blackmail of the CMC as "amazing diplomatic skills".

Of course, short story, so that rather limits how deeply you can delve into things.

A general grammar error you may wish to fix (or at least avoid in future stories, if you aren't already):

Scootaloo smiled and got excited, "Alright! Trust me you won't regret it."

Smiling and getting excited are action tags, not conversation attributions. As such, they should be their own sentence and not be part of the conversation. Period instead of a comma after 'excited', in other words. Just one example, but you're making this error throughout the story.

3443335 I see well again as I told the last guy. This story was written a while ago.

3443337
Yup. Looks like you've got it right in your newest stuff. Good thing I had the "if you aren't already" in there :scootangel:

3443349 Thanks for the feedback anyways.

3443255>>3443249 It was a good story, don't get me wrong, but Mattricole is right. It could've been better, but it was still good. I would've given it a higher rating, though. Good job, only a few little things could've been better. :)

3443397 Yes had I written this story now rather than before I could have probably written something better. That being said I kept it as it was since it was how it won the second place of the contest and altering it would be like lying about what I presented.

Unfortunately, the writing is going to get judged by its quality (or lack thereof) without regard for when you wrote it. That's just the way it goes. (Not to mention that when it has an upload date of today, readers are going to assume it was written recently.) You might've been better served to go back and do a rewrite on it so that it's up to your usual standards, if there's that much of a difference.

Mostly, the biggest difficulty I had with it is that the dialogue is not particularly believable for grade-school kids; ten-year-olds just don't talk like that.

3443407 Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated.

3443403 I know, dude. Just something to keep in mind for the future :twilightsmile:

Not sure why this got so many dislikes. Glad you brought yourself to publishing it though.

Yeah, in my honest opinion I'm still pretty surprised with how much you improved over CMCDM. I would never have guess you wrote it if they had kept winners anonymous. It was certainly my favorite among the crowd.

Far as not wanting to change your story to better prettify it for others because you were proud or what you made and look back to what you did on a whim is a really nice feelings. You might want to at least leave a small note to people who read this that you have no intentions of altering your story and you are presenting it as is from the event you submitted it to. You'll likely get less comments about it.

Keep on improving, write ALL the stories! :pinkiecrazy:
Cya'round!

(Would of commented earlier but too busy at the time.)

Good and not good at the same time.
My biggest hangup about this is the dialog. It feels forced and much of the conversation between the CMC, DT and SS don't sound like speech children use (I'm guessing ages of the CMC to be between from 8 to 10 years).
My biggest joy of this story is the fact that a bully gets what was coming to her and walks out with a new friend. I like redemption stories like this because one gets to explore the side of a character's life that (for us) hasn't been shown.

Keep writing :twilightsmile:

You know, I thought this was well written, emotionally charged, and very sweet. Everyone deserves a second chance in life and when you can connect with them, even the worst of enemies can become the best of friends.:twilightsmile::rainbowkiss:

3444167 I should make that note at the end I will too thanks for the advice and the dislikes are either from grammar nazi's or people who didn't like my story. It's part of life some will like it, and others will hate it.

This story is so fluffy and cute! I loved it! You did really well! A few errors, but the plot overall was great. Even though it was short and sweet, it was still wonderful! :raritywink:

Hhhhnnnnnnnggggggg!
So... bucking... adorable.... Heart... stopping....
Tell Pinkie Pie... she needs... to... lay off the meth........

3444886

El... lip... se... s.

Comment posted by JetstreamGW deleted Nov 5th, 2013
Comment posted by Diablomuerte2 deleted Nov 5th, 2013
Comment posted by RazedRainbow deleted Nov 5th, 2013
Comment posted by Diablomuerte2 deleted Nov 5th, 2013

Really cute! Made sense too. It was short but it covered all the bases.

10 out of 10 for romance
9 out of 10 for grammar
10 out of 10 for overall story.
Good job.

This won second place in a cuteness contest?!:rainbowhuh: Whatever came in first would probably kill me. I'm amazed you came up with such a believable way that Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara could end up together. The only thing that I had an issue with was Silver Spoon seemed to agree with Scootaloo's idea a bit too quickly. She went from 'I'm furious with you' to 'I can pretend to be your friend' in an instant, but I get why you did that. You wanted to wrap up the story and her part in it was only a small one really. Overall, extremely cute and I reckon you should have won.:twilightsmile:

1234 #35 · Nov 5th, 2013 · · 1 ·

3443255
This logic just killed my mind. Why would you post this then?
3444991
Give this man a drink and a few cookies.

I... Think you have a nice concept here. Honest, I do.

There's a ton of mistakes (grammar) that obviously need to be addressed by an editor, but I believe you should try to revise this a bit more and add some detail. It feels... Too quick. There was no set-up to it. Kind of just pushed me into the story without warning. I understand what you were doing, but it's just too fast.

I feel this story could be more. You just need to get a few people to help you out. I can suggest some groups, if you'd like.

Continue writing~

I like stories like this, with unusual couples bonding and whatnot. Its a nice change and this story was overall pretty good. I'll definitely be chekcing out some of your newer stories as well :D

Here lies Elijah, he was killed by the deadly Daww.

Too rushed, characters were out of voice, grammar mistakes...

How was this even featured? You even point out that there are mistakes in the description, while making another mistake saying so. Actively refusing to improve is the most frustrating part.

d'awwww... a story where Diamond has a heart

3444561
I suggest putting the note in the author's note section of the chapter or at the very least at the end of the description, rather than first thing in the description. It isn't like it is horrid from a grammar standpoint. Certainly not bad enough to warrant putting it first in the description, which might scare some people off unnecessarily, when they could instead be reading about DT ;)

3445370
He's not actively refusing to change. This is an older story of his he's posting as it was entered in the competition. The issue I pointed out with the action tags, for example, does not occur in his more recently published stuff. So, sure, it would benefit from an editing pass, but he might well wish to spend that time working on newer works instead.

After all, if all of us constantly went back to older works to update them as we improved, well, there would be a lot less new stuff getting written :scootangel:

We think this is a good story. We liked your take on Diamond Tiara. :raritywink:

3445769 If she didn't have a heart she'd be dead. :scootangel:

3444422

I haven't read this yet, but Diamond Tiara was created to be an annoying obnoxious jerk and never progress beyond that in the show itself.

So I wonder how I'll handle touchy-feely stuff that presents her in a good light, I suppose it might as well be time to find out.

I liked this story, though I will not say it was great or that I loved it.
I get why it was like this, you were on a time crunch and had to cut corners, but I can't say this was good.
I hope you one day take the time consider re-writing this story in a more... something way, sorry I can't think of a word, and withth new ideas injected to give it a brighter light.
Because this is a good concept, but right now that's all it is to me, a "concept".
You've got something special here, and I do sincerely hope that you try to make it better, because until then I cannot have a lesser or better opinion of it.
I still liked it though:eeyup:

3446103
But then, so was Trixie ;) Truth be told any recurring antagonist is typically not going to see much reformation in a 22 minute per episode show, though they might see some character development, a more well-rounded portrayal. Which admittedly will be unlikely to happen with DT or Silver Spoon, thanks to CMC episodes having such a heavy focus on the CMC, making DT and Spoon more plot devices than characters. In a way, it is sort of nice. With DT, we know enough about her to know if she's roughly in character, and yet have a lot of freedom to take her in different directions.

The trick is to learn to love her for what she brings to the show, her cuteness, her arrogance, and her potential as a fully developed character, rather than blindly hating her. To appreciate all the little things the animators do and the subtle things in the background.

Personally, I quite enjoy DT in love stories, in part because it leaves her conflicted, struggling with her feelings. Frustrated DT is darn cute. Though many of them do make her out to be all bad (and then undergo a major redemption), while white-washing the CMC, while I prefer a more balanced approach and a lighter redemption.

3446190

Well, Trixie apologized, which says a lot for a 22-minute episode.

I must admit, I found this story cute (and loaded with sads), I wish it wasn't for a contest that relegated the content to an unaltered state >> 'cause it would do well if it were fleshed out.

I told Rainbow Dash about my past, and the moment I did she said to me. Scootaloo, I usually don’t get sappy or mushy but, you matter."

D'aww! Rainbow Dash for best pony!

I liked the time-skip at the end... But I wonder what happened to SS.

3446203

Well, Trixie apologized, which says a lot for a 22-minute episode.

She sort of had to due to what she did. Enslaving a town requires more than a simple karmic moment. Without it, her character would have gone from antagonist to villain, from a boastful showmare to something truly evil. She needed to show remorse. And she still got the karmic moment on top of it.

But hopefully she'll be back as her usual prideful self, and in a better written episode :scootangel:

What happened to SS. But the story was cute and I liked it.

D'awww this was such a cute story, and that flashback really got to me all teary eyed. This goes to show you that you can pair any of the characters together so long as you can find or make a good reason why they should/are together.

Now I know you heard this a bunch of time already, the story was a bit rushed at times, but it was still a good to read. I know you said that you might touch up on it in the future and when you do I'll be glad to read though it again.

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