There was a ton of stuff I had to drop from this chapter. I had to abandon a bunch of bonding moments, two major plot elements, and three different clop scenes. I had one written out, but it was too silly for me. The one remaining clop scene is strange. Probably the strangest one I've written yet. I'll try to get back and write the rest of them, but I just wanted to post this again.

At a certain point I looked at it and said, "This is over 20k words for a chapter and a bunch of it sucks. Goodbye sucky parts!" There is still plenty of suck, I can't write action worth anything, I'm going to get a ton of hate and lost readers for the clop. I still need to learn how to write story stuff. Basically, I can't write anything. Each chapter seems to have less clop in it... Hmmm... I'll fix that with the next chapter.

I feel kind of bad abandoning one of the major plot points, I was going to have some neat stuff go on with the resistance, but there was no way I could throw it all in there and keep this anywhere near what I wanted to type as far as quantity. They might show up in the next chapter, but I really don't like introducing a major plot point in the last few bits, so if they do show don't expect anything but shattered dreams. All the important stuff is mostly in, minus a few key pieces.

I feel like I need to smooth it out, It doesn't fit quite the same as the rest... I'm not sure why. The reason I took so long with it was because it was so big and I messed with it constantly. I knew most of the major plot stuff that was going to happen, but then I changed some things. Then I changed some more things. Then someone posted on my blog and said "WTF? WHy havent you Posted!?!11!" So I said, "yeah... I'll get to that."

So here we have it. Let me know how bad it sucks, It definitely has a different feel to it than the other chapters. I also wrote it very differently than I usually do, as in the writing process. It was wrote in many chunks which I edited together, and then erased most of them, and then re-edited. I'm not sure I like doing things that way. It's slower and more confusing for me...

Any grammar errors would be good to know and stuff like that. Also major screw ups would be good for me to know as well. It's possible I messed something big up by writing it this way. I also apologize for the clop scene. You should be glad I nixed the one I did. It was horrifying.

I feel that some sort of happy ending should come about from this. Maybe leave emotional scars on everypony, but don't make me read through 8 chapters of physically and mentally destroying the mane 6 and then end things off with Chrysalis winning.

Interestingly enough, out of all the mane 6 after their sessions, Twilight remains by far the creepiest. She's pretty much the same way she used to be, but Celestia's relationship has been changed out for Chrysalis. I can only hope that Luna is capable of pulling something good out of this.

Welp, this was creepy. Blood seriously creeps me out.But it's a good fear.

Luna creeps me out too, to think she did all those things...
Keep up the good work!

umm... well shit. i guess all hells gonna ensue once nmm gets free. poor twi she doesn't realize what she just did nor what happened, not to mention her next target is Celestia for the mind raping.

this is a brilliant story maybe after you finish this one you could do one like this based on nightmare moon winning

dl.dropbox.com/u/39294236/nightmare_moon_clap_by_mihaaaa-d468rif.gif

820751

I've pretty much decided on the ending. It only hinges on the next chapter going mostly to plan. I'm not going to spoil it though. My goal is to have a fairly satisfying ending that makes sense.

I like to hear things like that. It makes me feel like I did a decent job with her. I like feeling even briefly competent.

821069

Then I was successful! Hurray!

821079

The first part is pretty accurate. All hell is going to break loose. The second part... Twilight probably isn't going to be doing anything with Celestia unless she is commanded to. Probably. No promises.

821229

Plan on doing something like that eventually. It'll oddly be less dark than any of this... hopefully. Thanks for the compliment.

821289

Fairly applicable picture. I approve.

Holy shit. This chapter made me cringe a little. Stubborn Applejack having to do things the hard way.. I really don't think this chapter is crap! Just bloodplay is a little..different and I want to hug AJ forever. Wonder how she and her child will get along..

Will Twilight be able to contain all that power for good?!

Applejack's a silly pony! *sings the song*

I have two simple requests for the conclusion. First, please don't have Bobby Ewing stepping out of the shower. Second, don't turn Twilight back into a unicorn.

The pictures I'm hoping for would show Queen Twilight standing over the broken body of (ex-)Queen Chrysalis, followed by Twilight at the table with Celestia and Luna as they hammer out a peace that allows pony and changeling alike to live in relative harmony.

823179

Well I'd been planning on doing some kind of masochism thing, and I had requests for more of the other two... soo I threw in lots of blood with it. I'm not exactly sure what's going to be the... extreme bit... of the next chapter, but I doubt it will be more extreme than this one was. There are still a bazillion fetishes out there, It's just that no one has requested anything specific (Except for breath play and ovipositor, which I repeated. Sort of.). And I don't see a way to easily throw in some of the more silly fetishes.

I might have been able to work in balloon play or latex or something with Pinkie, but that boat sailed for now. And there is no way I'm doing diaper play/scat with the next character. I just don't see that being applicable to the character or story. I also have no idea how I can write those sexy except emphasize the dirty aspect of it.

The clop bit I threw out was the birth scene. It got way too silly, and was just... not the right mood for what was supposed to be happening. So I just chucked that whole scene even though it was done, which makes kind of a weird jump. I don't want to hit fetishes that are like that (silly and detracting) and make them the focus. I might brush by something silly, but I've been avoiding making those the main things. Pinkie was my big chance to do really weird stuff and get away with it, and I blew that.

I've been lurking many different boards looking for ideas and there are a ton of things I can still throw in there. People are aroused by the strangest things. But if I want to write about them, I need to understand them on some level. At least intellectually. So yeah. That was a lotta crap about "No! I'm not out of fetishes! But if you want anything say something."

823452
Yeah, It's a bit cringe worthy. I'm not sure if this chapter is crap or what it is. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm sad I had to take so much stuff out, but I honestly would have had too much going on in one chapter if I didn't. I also wish I got the parts to stick together nicer. I'm gonna have to work on that.

Bloodplay is weird. I don't know if I did that anywhere near right. Also, AJ feels... Okay right now. Twilight is more concerned about her than she is. Right now she's feeling pretty good, has a new family member and got a room upgrade. Not shabby considering her last few days have been horrific. The stuff I never got around to writing for this chapter that needed to go in it was bonding crud between AJ and her kid. I sort of establish that she has no idea what to do with it, and that's about it. There was supposed to be a lot more of that. The dropped plot point of the resistance that isn't going to be was gonna help with that, so I just never re-thought out the scenes. I'm lazy.

Twilight will handle things how she handles things. She see's herself as a good pony who's done bad things. She's trying to be a good changeling and a good pony, and believes the two aren't mutually exclusive. Maybe she's right, maybe not. Chrysalis certainly doesn't seem to think so. And Yay! You got the reference!

824684

As for your requests, I was not planning on wiping the board clean. It's not on my agenda. I never find those kind of things satisfying in any way. I did have to do some research to find out what you meant by "Bobby Ewing" but I figured it out. No, it's not all a dream. Also, I'm not going to wipe the board clean with time travel. I got into an internet "discussion" with some guy on clopfic.heroku about that. He really wanted me to use time travel to make everything better. I kept telling him no. It was awkward. You can read me slowly getting frustrated with him here:
http://clopfic.heroku.com/fics/1165
It's somewhere down the wall of text, nearer to the bottom. Kind of like a belly button of frustration on the body of comments.

As for the specific endings, We'll have to see what happens. I don't think the ending I have planned is too disappointing, but my implementation of it might suck. If you haven't noticed, most of my chapters end on a bad writing note. I'm concerned this will happen with the last chapter. That's part of the reason I want to write an epilogue as well. No one will care if that is written sucky, and it means my "last chapter" isn't exactly my last chapter.

824925
Your chapters don't suck. Ponies are just reacting to the fact that bad things have happened, and are happening to the Mane Six. While I am also sad to see these bad things happening, the story that you're telling has sucked me into its grasp, and will not let go until it is finished with me. I'll be happy if Chrysalis gets what's coming to her, and Twilight gets what she deserves, namely the "title" of Queen of the Changelings.

825232
Thanks!

I'm hard on myself because I want to get better. If I just sit around and say," I did a great job!" Then I'll never improve because there is no reason to. Every time I write something, I try to learn something new and apply it in some way. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it hurts. But I keep trying. So I'm gonna keep being self depreciating.

I'd be appreciative if people could point out my flaws, no matter how trivial and trite. I'm pretty capable of not getting upset and stopping writing. The worst case scenario is that I write some three page essay on how I don't really think X is an issue, but that's not even really a problem. I like writing ridiculous things, and I try to not be offensive towards people. I mean... More offensive than I already am.

I'm glad you're interested in the story itself. That's a pretty big win from my perspective.

-------
I also just realized I could have called this chapter "The Goddess" because I have three separate ponies being a goddess in the chapter. The real one, briefly Twilight, and Chrysalis... Damn it. I like that better. I guess strong applies to four ponies... but it's not as "said" in the chapter.

Edit: I also just went through every chapter and hopefully fixed every breath vs breathe mistake I made. Any other words I consistently get wrong? I don't like doing that... I've tried to be careful with its vs it's, your and you're, and their, there, and they're. I might have missed a few.

I need to stop looking at words for a while. I was just now very confused by "they're". I couldn't figure out where the ' went and what letter disappeared in that conjugation. Things I wrote: Theyr'e, They'r, Theya'e, They'er, They'ar and Tha'yar. I'm going to go do something else for a while. My brain is failing me.

Great job, as always. I think you did the bloodplay quite well, even though it didn't really appeal to me. I'm kinda hoping for some mutual romantic ChrysLight shipping

829913

Thanks for the comment.

Chrysalis would probably find it weird to consider Twilight for a romantic interest. Her idea of appropriate romance for a changeling queen is stealing it. Her role in the Hive isn't really conducive to having a romantic interest. There could be some more than happy servicing, and Chrysalis is fond of Twilight in her own way. Twilight, on the other hand, might get very excited about that idea.

If they do get shipped in this story, then it would be a very different type of shipping. I'm not making any promises, but I think that's unlikely. Then again, I've gone down some weird rabbit holes before.

Had to read the ending twenty times and still can't fully comprehend.
This was by far the most epic and fucked up chapter yet, I love it.
I'm waiting with bated breath!

832571

Oh... What do you mean? I didn't want you to be confused, so what don't you comprehend? Did I forget to include something important? I might need to change things if they are confusing... That's one of the major downsides to writing without a pre-reader. I can't always tell when I've written something confusing instead of informative.

I don't know about epic, but I will give you fucked up. Glad you liked it!

Anticipation is good. It means I've captured at least some of your interest. Thanks!

OH HOLY FUCK YES!!!!!!
I FEEL SO UTTERLY FILTHY AFTER READING THIS!!
UNF!!!
I'm gonna need a scouring brush to get the dirty off.
I need to read this again the beautiful depravity is better than the caress of an angel!
This is probably the most appealling piece of erotica I have or will ever read!!
I LOVE YOU I WILL BEAR YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!
And as if it weren't utterly mind-numbingly perfect just with the clop IT HAS A FUCKING STORY AND WORLD BUILDING!!!!!!
I MEAN IT I FRACKING LOVE THIS OVER EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER READ!!!!!
IT APPEALS TO MY EVERYTHING!!!!!!
I'M SICK I KNOW BUT I LIKE IT THAT WAY!!!
FOR EVERY CHAPTER I LOVE THIS EVEN MORE!!!
Update please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please!!!
I LOVE YOU FOREVER FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!

839445

Thanks for the comment! I thought the forty cakes thing was mildly amusing. There are a few references in the chapter, but I don't think I used too many. I certainly don't think it flows like an episode, but hey. Cool. Thanks.

As for the rest, You are spot on. The last scene is really rushed, I needed to flesh that out proper, and I didn't. I was just ready to move on to the next chapter. I'm probably going to have to clean that up sometime, it's a little distressing to me. The story line things where I'm trying to keep things open is partly due to me being lazy about writing out the last scene in this chapter and partly due to how I'm writing it.

First chapter is seconds-minutes after victory. Second chapter is hours. Third chapter is one day. Fourth is three. Fifth is just an interlude. Sixth is about a week. Seventh is about two weeks. Each chapter I'm starting at the beginning(ish) and moving through time. So the early chapters wouldn't have much story, at least from the perspective of the characters. I was trying to hint at things with the rest of them with little clues throughout the story as far as what was happening. I didn't do a great job with that. Also, I really needed to put more effort in to the last few chapters in order to make sure I get across what's happening. Screwing up on that final scene, and skipping Twilight's first interaction with Pinkie was me being lazy and not wanting to write out the same scene I wrote for RD and Fluttershy. Unfortunately, that means less story building. So now the last few chapters are going to have a ton of story in them to fill the gap.

I wasn't actively trying to keep the story open. I had a few endings I wanted to gravitate to, but the chapters kept writing themselves so that they ended like that. But I did end up doing that... Ultimately, it is a problem. If this was a real story, I'd just have waited until the whole thing was done and then edit it together making sure there was proper foreshadowing and whatnot. That's a huge difference between writing/releasing something in chunks like this and publishing something like a book. With a book, you can easily go back and add to/fix the early chapters to fit in with how your ending plays out. With this, I don't really want to change something people have already read.

So yeah. I'm going to work on that somehow, and thanks for mentioning it! It is a problem, and I like to see that someone notices these things.

As for the editor thing, I think I'm going to finish out this story without one. I'm almost there, only a few more chapters. I might use an editor/pre-reader for a one shot deal, but in something episodic like this I hate making people wait after the chapter is basically done. I also get antsy about that sort of thing because I tend to work in spurts where I do nothing for a day or two and then pump out a bunch of stuff at once. So if that editor takes longer than my... productive cycle, then we end up waiting until my next one because I suck. I'd rather just post the dang thing and move on while I can.

Thanks for the offer though!

840076

Thanks for the comment.

It's not often something on the internet elicits real actual fear from me. Congratulations. Unlike how I'm usually pretty sure that something like this isn't for me, you mention feeling irredeemably dirty. That sounds about right. You also seem to be sick like me, so that's probably what's appealing about it. I'm glad you like the world building as well.

But ultimately, I am scared of you now. That post is like the internet equivalent of standing outside my window and shouting at the top of your lungs about how much you like my cooking. Because my cooking is so delicious you want to marry me forever. It's disturbing. Stalker chapter? I don't think that would work in this story... Maybe I'll have to do that in a one shot later. Admittedly, one comment does not a stalker make in any fashion, so I'm probably fine. I'm glad I appealed to your everything! But scared... Oh so scared...

But seriously, thanks for the comment!

Brilliant new chapter. glad i kept up to date with this. also, just a note. just because this is a clop fic doesn't mean you need to fit a million scenes into it that are clop worthy. it works just as well if you make the story entertaining like you have done in pretty much every chapter up to this point.

Oh, and i thought i'd mention that i'm not a clopper. i just know a good story when i see one. all i can say is keeping going like you are now, and this'll end up being a fantastic fic.

841565
*cough*
First off I'd like to say that it was 2 in the morn and I had been having a few late night loner glasses of wine....
BUT I TAKE NOTHING BACK!!!
Except maybe the bearing of children.... Yeah I'll take that back I'd rather not....
I'd totally be your #1 fan/#1 stalker
In faaaact...
I could probably write a lengthy review on all the ups and downs of each and every chapter....

On a side note my comment is more like me standing outside your house screaming that I'll do sexual favors for you for your "cooking".
By cooking I mean writing...
I'm not sure if that's better or worse.... I think it's worse....
And there's no need to worry about me... I'm a wooonderfuul person.

I'm terrible at this aren't I?

us6.memecdn.com/not-sure-if-gusta_o_312884.jpg

Do not stop this story. Serious, I love where it's going. My one critique is that you tend to use "your" wrong. I know I'll be struck down as a grammar Nazi, but if you work on this one simple thing, it could make your stories just pop a little more.

On a happier (sort of) note, never have I used the phrase "all my feels" in a more serious way. I am wrought with emotions at this story. Keep it up!

841826

Thanks! I know what you mean by not making the whole thing clop, but sometimes it happens...

843262

We are all terrible at something!

856713>>860101

Glad you like it/don't know how to feel about it. That seems about right I guess. Thanks for the comments!

877575

Thanks for the heads up! I thought I was being more careful about your, but I guess I'm still screwing it up. I'll dig through and fix those when I get around to it. I'm interested in making it suck less, and fixing bad grammar is an easy way to do that. Thanks for the encouragement as well!

-----------------------

As an update, I'm actually re-writing chapter 1 right now. I tried to write the next chapter, but it's difficult as I know how it starts and how it needs to end in order for me to be able to write my final chapter how I want to. It was easy when I started.

The first chapter had absolutely no requirements, I could just run with it. The second only had some basic stuff that I needed to do in it, and I had a clear path to a simple goal. The third chapter was the most freeform one, pulling from the other two just a little and having no clear ending when I started. When I got to the fourth chapter, I had an ending in mind, but it just couldn't happen. It was early enough and didn't require me to change things in other chapters to let this one play out like it wanted to. Then the fifth chapter was there to buy me time and fill in some blank spots in the story. I wanted to do a male POV. It was easy, and I wrote it in basically one session. The sixth chapter took a long time, I had a difficult time fitting it in with existing story and moving it towards a certain goal. The seventh chapter was also a bit difficult, but I was more heavy handed, forcing the story to go the way it needed to. Now, I'm in the last regular chapter. I have to fit it in with all the other chapters, and it has a specific ending that needs to happen. I'm having a bit of difficulty writing it.

I decided to take a break and write a one shot RarityXTwilight thing, and I got 10k words into it. Then I got distracted and saw a picture that made me want to re-write chapter one. I've been planning on doing it, and I currently have the motivation to do so. So that's what I'm working on. 3 half finished chapters... I think I'm getting ADHD.

878875
Well my something happens to be everything! *Telly-Tubby walks backwards out of the room.*
...
I was trying to shuffle!!
....

Anyway.
The whole 'three half written' chapters thing is 100% understandable! Every good writer (and half the bad ones e.g. me.) goes through that! It just means you so full of genious that if you don't stop to write it down you'll POP!!
I also like hearing what you were thinking with each chapter. The process of weaving a tale is fascinating to me.
I'm very keen to see what you do with Ch1 and I'll have to guess which picture inspired you!
I'll be waatching!

i just cant wait till the final chapters are out cheers also i do wonder what twilight is up ot with both the elements and the princesses also your insane for releasing nmm keep going my friend its only two steps away.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png

Haven't read the chapter yet but read your 1st comment. I'd just like to say, that, yes I picked this up because it was clop, but now I'm reading it for the story. The characters are spot on and it is really believable. The less clop in the more socially acceptable it is to read. Because it's clop, i'm not going to walk up to my friends and say "Hay! read this fic, it's amazing!" Just thought I'd put that out there, adding my two bits...as it were.

Welp, I read though this, and I think you've actually got a good story here. A sick, depraved, oh-fuck-I-feel-dirty story, but a well made one nonetheless.

This chapter interested me far more than it should have. Don't think it was the blood, though, just the whole dominating thing. It reminds me of a story idea I had once involving a teenaged Spike and... well, I'm sure you can piece together the rest.

Very interesting. I will have to keep an eye on this.

824925
Clopfic D. can be frustrating. You'll often get people who say a story is bad for including a particular fetish they don't share, or for having anything but a saccharine ending with rainbows and sunshine. At least they stopped trying to bury any story that didn't conform to their definition of "postworthy".

Applejack had it coming after killing so many of my kind. Not to mention the failed proto-queen.

1027411

Haven't actually played Mass Effect three. I sort of gave up after ME 1 wouldn't let me into the last fight due to it crashing every time my computer tried to load it. It didn't help that I was playing it on Ubuntu at the time...

1027422
Are you planning to continue the story? Because I'm REALLY REALLY enjoying it. It's really very good and I'd really like to see more chapters and the ending. Don't stop!

1104663

I'm almost done with the thing I'm working on. Like, 90% done or so. It's a complete re-write of chapter one, currently sitting at 17k words. I need to finish writing the last scene in it, edit it, and then post it. I am still working on things, I've just lost most motivation to do 5 hour+ writing sessions like I used to. Now I write in little hour or so chunks of time, which involve ten minutes or so of getting up to speed on what I'm doing, and 20 minutes of browsing the internet. This means I spend significantly less time writing. However, I think I can maintain this indefinitely unlike my previous plan of writing as much as I could until I burnout.

I have the next chapter started(4k or so words that need to be edited big time. Might not make it to the final cut even.), but I haven't progressed it much further. I know what's going to happen, I just need to make it so. Maybe if I get some time this weekend I'll put a large chunk into making the body of it. Hopefully the rest of this comes easily after that. I already know what the ending is, and I think I'll be able to write that much easier than the next chapter.

Also, my writing style and motivation changes with every chapter. Maybe someday I'll unify the style, but for now I just want to do what I can. I'm not really writing this for you guys to read, or for me to "accomplish". This is an experiment to see if I can write something different. Different meaning lot's of things for me. I've already learned so much from it, and it's good experience all around. When I get around to writing my next serious thing, it should be better. Someday I hope to write mainstream things, not about ponies or weird sex, but I figure this is good practice for writing in general. That's another reason I tend to have verbose comments. Every little bit helps.

1116985
Thanks! I too appreciate this quality.

1117055
Thanks! I guess that's what I was going for.

--------------------------
Criticism please? I'm willing to fix sh... stuff.

Bleh. This is a horrible story. I mean, not a bad one. Well, yes, bad. Bad terrible, not badly written. You clearly have a talent for writing; the content however is just a subject matter that makes me squick. The cloppy bits are particularly well done. Pity I just can't really get into it, believe me I've really tried giving the story a shot, but it's just not my genre for enjoyment. If I wanted to watch someone sink into slow depression and overwhelmed by the hopelessness of the situation until they caved...well, I'd look at my roommate. If I hadn't tuned out his skipping record rant of "I can't do this anymore" months ago. (Boy if I had a dollar...)

But, back on topic, its a good story. Detailed, grim, kinda stomach unsettling, and I want to throttle Chrysalis with my bare hands;mutilate her 'children' and burn the hive to the ground; so you've definitely provoked a reaction out of me. But ultimately not the sort of piece I get enjoyment reading out of. To those of you who like your fics darker, this is cake! Me? I'll skim the future chapters to see where they go, but I just can't get in the mindset to properly enjoy this type of writing. Do keep writing though; I hope to see what other sort of manner works you will put to the pen. (Or word processor)

1118583

Thanks for the comment! I appreciate the input. I know it's a bit dark, and if you don't like it I'd recommend not really reading the rest. Some bits are significantly lighter, but some are also a little worse. I kinda think 7 is the worst right now. So yeah, if you didn't like this due to content, you may not want to read the rest.

I am planning on writing less dark things. I have an adventure story planned for Bon Bon in the future. There probably won't be much clop. If any. She needs more adventure in her life. Hopefully it won't be too dark. Thanks for the semi positive feedback! I appreciate it!

So I just read everything you've written so far, and I've gotta say, you've done a really good job with this idea.

Basic chapter appraisal:

Chapter 1: Ick. I can see why people stopped at this one. I mean, I understand it needed to set up some important plot elements, but damn, son. It just seemed dark for darkness' sake, which is a mistake you thankfully avoided in later chapters.

Chapter 2: Here's where you start to hit your stride. Some others have mentioned that the horn thing was a bit too gruesome, but it feels just about right to me. This is grimdark after all.

Chapter 3: About the same quality as chapter 2. I found it interesting that you made a point to emphasize that Fluttershy knew she was being tricked, yet couldn't accept leaving the changeling outside if there was even the smallest possibility that he needed her help. The next clop scene with Twilight....not sure if gusta. Still written well though.

Chapter 4: Fuck the hell yes. This could be a dissertation on why BDSM is hot. Easily one of the best chapters. Well written, well paced, great descriptions, just....damn.

Chapter 5: Decent, but the plot is a bit hard to swallow. "Hey so you just paralyzed me and then made me watch your sister have steamy sex with my girl crush to break my heart, but it's okay cause you gave me an orgasm so now I love you instead." I get that Pinkie wouldn't take long to bounce back from trauma, but maybe give her a day or two of confusion and indecision instead of just immediately accepting Bubbles. Bonus points for more Dash/Nameless changeling action, though.

Chapter 6: Equal parts arousing and fucking depressing. Exactly what is needed from grimdark clop.

Chapter 7: ...Well. That....was something. Honestly, I would have to call this the best chapter so far. it's the perfect balance of being grimdark as fuck without going overboard. The bloodplay is a bit squick for me, but it worked because it made sense in the context of the story. And your descriptions of Applejack's conversion were nothing short of moving, particularly her 'relapses'. This and chapter 4 are interesting in that they explore two very different 'highs' in the BDSM kink. Chapter 4 is all about the trust needed between a dom/sub, while 7 is pretty much pure sadomasochism.

As far as grammar goes, the main error I've noticed are some unneeded apostrophes, such as get's and lot's. The plot is great, and I'm looking forward to seeing how you wrap it up. I was glad to see you're not going to just press the Deus ex Machina button and make everything better for the ending, but I would advise you to make it at least a little happy. You've been building up to Twilight finding some way to at least improve things, and it would be unsatisfying for that foreshadowing to go to waste.

All in all, great fic.

1119975

Dayum! That's one heck of a review. Thanks!

Chapter 1. Not sure which version you read. Going to assume it was the new long version, 16.7k words or so vs the old version of 2.5k words. I don't have any real excuses, it was dark. I'm sorry... If it's the long one, this was also my most recently written chapter. Oops.

Chapter 2. Thanks!

Chapter 3. I really wanted to make a point for all of the main six that their downfall is one of their character traits or in Twilight's case, her special talent. Twilight falls to magic, Fluttershy to kindness, RD through loyalty, AJ to honesty(or belief, which in this case might be a corruption of honesty), And pinkie to... Well... I had a hard time with Pinkie's chapter. I need to do a minor revision to it and re address the last scene and some other things.

Chapter 4. Probably my favorite chapter. For obvious reasons.

Chapter 5. Do you mean chapter six? Yeah I had problems with chapter six... I can fix them though! And adding more time might be a necessity, but I was trying to b on a fairly strict timeline. But I have some wiggle room for a few days. I can maybe fix it.

Chapter 6. Do you mean five? It was just supposed to be an info dump and a quick dirty clop scene. It turned out decent.

Chapter 7. I thought I went way overboard with the clop on this one, there was only one real scene but it was... brutal. I figured the story elements would help bring it into balance though...

Chapter wait... That's not posted yet!

.Thanks for the wandering apostrophe warning! Your the first person to mention that! I'll try to find them as I go now... As for the ending, I need to finish Rarity's chapter, but I assure you I am a fan of satisfying endings. Hopefully I can pull that off.

Thanks for the comment! It was great! I love things like this.

A dark, twisted part of me wanted Applejack to completely break just to spite Chrysalis. This story is really stimulating for revenge fantasies, you know that? I really just wanna see everything fall apart around Chrysalis; a defeated and helpless pile of broken and bleeding chitin, completely dominated by the three princesses, and being forced to watched her children burn in a pyre, with her favored ones screaming in anguish and despair. Just thinking about her agonized wailing excites me in ways that makes me feel dirty to my very soul.

It's this kind of mood your story puts me in to that's so bad I need something as desperate as a box of mewling kittens to pull me out of. I sort of hate you. Good job on such a great story!

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Honestly, part of me sees Chrysalis as a tragic villain. All she's trying to do is make sure her children have enough to eat, and if some ponies suffer along the way, well, what about it?

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No problem. Again, just not my cup of tea. My biggest problem? Unlikable protagonist. I just don't like Chrysalis.

Having a evil protagonist is tricky, because you still need to make them in a manner that, despite doing evil things, the reader still roots for them. They WANT to see the bad guy win. The reader must take satisfaction with seeing the badguy overcome the good guys, even if its done in a manner that, if reversed, the reader would find appalling. I've seen plenty of villians who I've found myself grinning at their dark and ruthless achievements.

One of the notable ones was Marduk from the Warhammer 40k series "Dark Apostile"; A vicious bastard who betrays and kills his master and ascends to his place as the holy leader of a band of demon worshiping warrior cultists bent on overthrowing the imperium of man and bringing ruin to the galaxy. He is a man ruled by fanaticism for his masters, and seeks a higher goal (Demented and cruel as it may be). Through his eyes we, the reader, see the world through the eyes of a soldier of a greater power. We feel satisfied as he slaughters armies of enemies who are genuinely on the right path, and leads words to ruin and damnation, because through the protagonists eyes we see this as the RIGHT course. They are fools for not seeing the way of the higher power; for clinging to a system of belief that is, in Marduks eyes, a blasphemous lie.

You have Dexter, from the appropriately named TV series 'Dexter'; a serial killer who hunts serial killers. He commits a brutal murder every chapter of the book, or every episode of the TV series. But he is also struggling to understand himself, both his psychotic violence tendencies as well as ordinary life. Putting his mask of normalcy for friends, coworkers and family. While watching and admiring the work of other killers, finding his needs growing more complex and changing as it goes on. And he does all this while avoiding the attentions of his fellow police officers, (Dexter in fact is a blood splatter analyst for the Miami Police) and the FBI; as he also attempts to hunt down the famed serial killer alongside his coworkers, but out of admiration for the killer, rather than a sense of justice.

You have Malus Darkblade, a prince among the dark elves. By the time his story is over hes...murdered his father, 4 of his 5 siblings, become possessed by a demon, murdered his closest and trusted lieutenants because he couldn't stand to let them see how low he has fallen, started and ended a war and then a holy war, and systematically slaughtered half the major characters the story introduces. Always staying a step ahead of oblivion and death by being cunning, vicious, and cruel. He begins his quest in hopes to gain some ultimate power and cement himself as a great leader and warlord; instead his greed has forced him to lose almost everything he held. We see a proud and strong individual, driven by hated and greed, exposed at his lowest, as he claws and fights and stabs his way back to regaining the power he lost.

The opening chapter of the Malus Darkblade series? It begins with him bringing a slave up from the hold of his ship. And then, while the slave is restrained, begins talking to him as his shipmate translates to the human language. He begins by describing the deal he had offered days before to the slaves, offering to set one of them off the ship free of harm. The slaves debated among themselves, and finally elected a young beautiful woman in her prime to be set free. But the woman had begged Malus to set her lover free instead, and that she would do anything for him. So they put that to the test. He went on describing the brutal, vicious mutilations and tortures they did to her. And by the end she was begging Malus to let her go free instead. But Malus had promised to allow a slave off the ship, 'free of harm.' And so she clearly didn't qualify anymore. He leaned in to the slave as he cried, hearing the fate of his wife, saying "In the end, you get to go free. And she despises you from the bottom of her heart for it." Then threw him over the side of the ship where he was promptly killed by sea monsters. And reading all this, all I could end up doing was grinning and thinking 'Shit, if this is the PROLOGUE, I wanna see the rest of this story."

Then you have...chrysalis. Most of her through the story seems to be preying upon the mane 6's insecurities and weaknesses. She isn't winning because she is better then them. Its more about watching the mane six fall, than watching chrysalis rise. I read the stories and I just cant find any sympathy or empathy for her. No particularly great traits to relate to. No mental or physical challenge to overcome. Shes basically already won, and just enjoying watching them suffer and condemn themselves now. And I just cant find anything to root for in her. Honestly it feels heavily that the others just...give up; and I can't feel any satisfaction in watching her goals come to fruition. Other than a mild sadism streak of reading some cloppy, fetishy humiliation and dominant/submissive stuff; but honestly I consider the sex stuff more mortar for the bricks.

Your descriptions are excellent, your writing is good, its just the premise. Now if you'd started this series set earlier, slowly trying to subvert the chars without being caught, laying your pieces to the final goal of overtaking equestria...that would've been interesting, This feels to me more just sexual outlet than anything else. A good one at that. I just don't find them all that satisfying. Hope the criticism wasn't too harsh, just my thoughts on the matter.

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Not harsh at all, but honestly it's a problem.

The big problem is that Chrysalis is not the protagonist. I made a terrible decision when I named this story, it was based off the first (now deleted) chapter. There is a reason you don't root for her or like her. She's not very like able, or relate able. She doesn't even think like a pony, her motivations are slightly alien to understand. And I can't change the story name in FIMFiction, so I'm just kind of running with it. Chrysalis is a major character, and has at least a brief appearance in every chapter. But so is/does Twilight. I'm not even trying to portray Chrysalis as evil exactly, just very very different from a pony. With some particularly bad traits. By the time you get to the current chapter you know she doesn't think of ponies as equal creatures to changelings at all, is vindictive, really does care for her hive and her children, and is willing to at least attempt to appease Twilight. She also feels her original goddess deserves some worship, but isn't quite sure how to go around getting that done.

I do completely agree with you about how this could have been a better story if I had set the premise earlier and done a slow mental corruption of the ponies, but this did start as exactly what it feels like. A bizarre fetishy sex thing. I had the explicit plan of writing at least one unique fetish into every chapter, and kind of ran with it. I was surprised when I found myself writing more than 5k words a chapter, and then upset when I realized this was turning into a story thing. I've since gotten over that, but now I'm trying to make it into a slightly better story that still has a huge amount of weird clop, thereby alienating everybody at once. The cloppers don't want story, and the story people don't want clop.

I agree with you on all counts of criticism, I'm just not sure how to implement them. Unfortunately, I don't think I really can in this story. I don't really want the reader empathizing with Chrysalis, at least not yet, and I'm not making massive changes to the story to write about her slow and meticulous corruption of the ponies. That's basically a whole different story at this point. Best I could do would be a Shining Armor chapter that starts pre-chapter one, and I don't really feel up to it. I need to finish Rarity's weird chapter, and write the last bit.

I love the in depth comments! Thanks for reading through it even though you didn't like it. Try to think about it as having Chrysalis as just another character and see if that helps. Yeah, she's a mover, but so are a few other Characters. Pinkie, Nameless changeling (who has a name in my head), Twilight, and even Luna right now come to mind. I really need to change the name somehow, but honestly at this point, I think it's far far too late. Lesson learned for next unintended clop epic.

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Much closer to how I'm trying to portray her. Maybe not tragic, though. We'll see.

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Glad I riled you up! Yeah. That's definitely one way to think about her, and it leads to entertaining (if dark and horrible) thoughts.

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Thanks!

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Thanks! Let me know what you think when you finish. And I didn't mean for the comment you're referencing to be epic, I just started with criticism and then began to notice things I didn't like, and then read some of his comments. And my criticism of his story slowly became criticism of him... I try hard not to be mean and to be constructive, so I made some attempt to balance my frustration with helpful advice. But neat to see that it got somebody here. Please don't read my stuff if you're under age. It's... bad. In the moral sense.

*Edit:
Umm... I can't find his story or account anymore. I hope he just blocked me and didn't delete his account. That thought unsettles me. Poor fellow. I was actually hoping he would fix his story up a bit. It would mean he was starting to accept responsibility for things, even silly things. Oh well. Horse, water, drinking and all that.

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The cloppers don't want story, and the story people don't want clop.

You are incorrect.
I came for the clop, and stayed for the psychological alien horror-drama.

this fic is like H.R. Giger paintings in prose form. I dont know whether to fap, puzzle over what the hell I'm looking at, or cringe in disgust and punch myself in the dick.
I want to rage at Chrysalis, and sympathize with the mane 6 for their psychological trauma. But at the same time, I can't help but feel kind of glad for them when they end up getting broken, because at least they are able to find some sick, twisted kind of happiness.
And I usually hate when stuff like that happens. I can't stand stories where rape victims end up falling for their rapist or whatnot... but this fic perverted my thought process so thoroughly that when the drone who raped fluttershy was nuzzling up to her, I thought "Aww, that's sweet."
And I didn't even realize until later in the day how incomprehensibly wrong that was. What the hell did you do to me?
And that's not even to mention what happened to Twilight, Dash, and Pinkie, or the fact that you're giving me fetishes for things that I didn't even know were fetishes...
my mind is full of the most bizarre kind of fuck, and I love it.

I do hope that Chrysalis gets her sadistic ass handed to her, though. AJ's chapter, and the rewrite of chapter 1 were just too brutal for me, even by this fic's insane morality-warping standards.
The other changelings just seem to be following their nature-- they're not evil, just very alien in their thought processes and ways of life.
But Chrysalis clearly goes out of her way to torture ponies for no good reason, and I think that warrants a good divine ass-kicking.

Any chance of an ETA on the next chapter?

I too am hoping for a new chapter soon. This is... good. Verging on great, I believe. And it's not normally my kind of fic. Seeing the Mane Six be corrupted like this... damn.

Will it be just them? Will we see what happened to Lyra and the other bridesmaids? Trixie was seen as a trumpeter in the episode, or at least a color copy of her.

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Hey guys. Sorry about that. I just haven't had any motivation to write this at all lately. Oddly, I've been trying to draw. I don't have anything worth uploading yet, but there was something (horrifying) I wanted to make in flash, and outsourcing all the art didn't seem... plausible. Writing things like this is kind of a psychic dump for me, and lately I haven't needed to dump anything.

My life is amazing right now. I have a great job, A wonderful (and kinky) girlfriend, and lots of friends. There is nothing emotionally/intellectually distressful in my life right now. I'm not officially putting this on hiatus or anything, but I probably won't be writing anything for CV:C until I need to blow off some steam. Maybe my life will suck after tomorrow, maybe it will suck later. Eventually something shitty will happen, and I will need to write horrible things. Until then, it's rainbows and gumdrops. I could try to write without inspiration, but it would suck. Ultimately that would be the "I need to just finish this fucking thing" attitude. Ever read the end of a Stephen King Novel? So yeah.

Maybe I'll write a ton tomorrow after a stressful day. Maybe it will be another month. Dunno. I'm erratic. Sorry about that. If it's any condolence, this has been going on for about a month, and I've never had a super "happy" time last more than two or so before some kind of major shit hit the fan. Also, I haven't had much spare time lately. The increase in people that I hang out with coupled with spending more time working has resulted in much less time to spend on things like this. I haven't even caught up on reading stories, let alone writing them! I used to spend a few hours a day on the internet, and lately I'm lucky to get one or two every four days or so. My favorites list is crying out to me right now...

So yeah. Not stopping this or putting it on hold, but not actively working either. As soon as I get time and motivation at the same time, I'll update the shit out of this. I'm halfway through Rarity's chapter. And I'm not going to give out any major spoilers. Sorry.

Thanks for the comments! I always love them! I might be more inclined to put time into this if I thought more people liked it as well, that would be a separate motivator from my own personal drive. Ah well.

Hmm... I'm glad you're life is going so well. [/legit] I had some shitty months at the tail end of last year and the first few of this. So I can appreciate living the good ones fully.

As for Rarity... can't wait. Hope she's not the last. *Crosses fingers*

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Well, hurry up and find a reason to hate your life again!

(seriously though I'm happy for you bro)

Welp a friend linked this to me and I'm glad he did, always love a good story like this because it fuels my own writing.

Before this fic-one and one-quarter pages

After reading this fic-story is changed and I already have five pages written

Thank you good sir!

Oh man, need MOAR!