• Member Since 2nd May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 14th, 2022

Turai


Comments ( 83 )

Interesting... I'm disturbed by my liking of this, yet, attracted to it.
Oh well. :twilightsmile:

Wait what?
sequel please ^^

i like this idea:ajsmug:

This fic does a good job of what it sets out to do. The clop is descriptive and Chrysalis (assuming that is the voice) plays the mistress role well. I have a few questions though.
What did the tentacles actually do? I thought they were part of the mind control, but then I remembered that Chrysalis could mind control with her magic.
Aren't drones male? Wouldn't the changelings go after the male residents of Equestria? (like in the show) I guess that can be waved away with a "Our Monsters are Different" argument.
Minor grammar error:

No more thoughts, no worries, only pleasure.

should be

No thoughts, no worries, only pleasure.l

Use the same tense when describing multiple items.
Other than that, good story.:twilightsmile:

1418554>>1418708

I do hope you found some enjoyment from the fic, even if it was just from the sheer "what am I reading" feeling. :rainbowlaugh:

1418582

Welcome to my world. :twilightsmile:

1418702

I have some ideas for one, but I'm not making any promises.

1418789

As do I :trollestia:

1418812

The tentacles were indeed part of the control. I left it pretty much open to what their function was but the way I imagined it was both making her more trusting and to establish a link to the hive (the buzzing and later voices).

I figure that Chrysalis mind magic that she used would only be temporary and this would be a more permanent solution.

On the note on the drone male/female thing, doesn't that depend on what speices of animal we are talking about? I'm not quite sure.
Anyways I mostly meant drone as "lowest possible rank" in the hive, there's male drones as well.

Gonna fix that grammar error right away as well, thanks for pointing that out.

And a big thanks to everyone who read,commented, liked and what have you.

Wrong fiction! It was good!:rainbowlaugh:

1418956this better go on for a while:raritywink:

1418956 I wouldn't mind a continuation or sequel.
:pinkiesmile:

Fun to read. Found a few issues:

" automaticly,like it " Should be "automatically, like it" add the space and fix automatically.

"She tried to talk, only to find that she was suspended in some kind of liquid, a liquid that she somehow could breathe, yet no sound emerged, only bubbles."
Lots of commas. You should probably turn this into two or more sentences, something like "She tried to talk only to find that she was suspended in some kind of liquid. She could breathe, however no sound emerged. Only bubbles." This might not be completely grammatically correct, but it flows nicer. Sometimes a good flow is more important than grammar in storytelling.

This "too many commas problem" is constant throughout your writing. Not every sentence needs three or more commas. Try and structure your sentences so they aren't needed, and be able to identify a comma splice. A comma splice is an unnecessary comma. Commas should be before a conjunction like "and, but, however, etc." and in lists. If it's not a list, and not a conjunction, make sure it's not an interjection (what I did with "not a conjunction") and then remove the comma. About half the time you'll find the comma is not necessary for the pacing you want. If it is,then try to replace it with a semicolon (;) or a period. You might have to make minor changes to the sentence. Practice this because it will make you a better writer.

Consistently double space your paragraphs. I found a few instances of single spaced paragraphs. There is no such thing as a partial paragraph. It should either be a new paragraph or not.

"'Turn around and lift your tail." came a deep voice inside her head." Should be “'Turn around and lift your tail," came a deep voice inside her head." You need to put a comma at the end of the sentence or capitalize "came" because it starts a new sentence. But "came" continues the sentence, so you can't capitalize it. Therefore, don't put the period there. It's acceptable to end a quote with a comma if it's supposed to be a period but the sentence continues around it.

And another repeat problem Lack of detail:
"The drone felt the large member penetrating her marehood, sending untold pleasure coursing through her. The combined pleasure of obedience and that of the pulsating stallionhood in inside of her far surpassed anything she had ever felt."

You've heard "show, don't tell." I'm going to show you now instead of tell you how that's supposed to work. Instead of saying "untold pleasure coursing through her" and "the combined pleasure of obedience and that of the pulsating stallionhood" you can describe them. Example time!

"The drone felt the large member penetrating her marehood, spreading her wet lips with a firm thrust. She felt the changeling deep inside her stirring her body and sending a thrill of ecstasy up her spine. The sensation was a gift from a god, and she would serve her new god for more. Every obedient breath she took filled her with the understanding of servitude and more of the pulsing changeling rod she now craved. It was a new height for her, one that she had never reached before. Service and sex were the meaning of life, and this drone loved her new life."

I took what you wrote and expanded it a bit. Threw some detail in there, and hit up some points you seemed to enjoy. I'm not saying be super amazingly descriptive, but if you have to say something along the lines of "it was the best thing ever!" then you are doing it wrong. Why and how was it the best thing ever? What was the character actually experiencing? Don't summarize it. Don't just tell me the results. Show me the actions. Show me the how and why. Don't just tell me the what.

If you apply these things into future things you write, they will be better! I liked this. It was fun to read. But you can do better! I believe you can! Keep calm and pony on!

1419212>>1419534

I'm not making any promises, but there might be a sequel or something in the future.
Got two very different directions I could take this.

1419277
Hey man, thanks!
I just found the mind control group, gonna check out your Twi/Chrys mind control fic later.

1419601
Thanks alot for pointing out flaws, I really appriciate it, Gonna try and fix those tomorrow, I had a bit too much to drink right now and I'm off to bed in a few.

On the topic of "show don't tell" I agree with you, that's my biggest weakness when writing, I just have a hard time comming up with words good enough to describe things like that sometimes. I wish I could blame English being my second language but in all honesty, I'd prob have a hard time doing much better in Swedish as well. Again, thanks for taking the time to tell me what worked and what didn't.

1419668 Whether or not you make a sequel is okay. Nice story though.
:twilightsmile:

I stopped reading after the first few lines. Please get an editor :rainbowwild:

Kind of basic and could use a bit more description. Dialogue and actions can only get you so far, ya know? :twilightsheepish:

Other than that, I highly enjoyed it. Hoping to see more from you :eeyup:

1422078
I'm glad you enjoyed it, even with it's flaws.

I'll be slowly editing parts of the fic (mainly the sex scene) over the next two days or so, hopefully making it a bit better.

And you will most likely be seeing more from me whatever you like it or not. :trollestia:

Nice. Although I gotta say, I'd have expected more of a fight from Twi. Half the fun of mind control is subduing the unwilling as they struggle to resist and bending them to your will. Uh, or so I hear.

Uhhhh... that was...

Fucking awesome? :rainbowhuh:

1425670

I do agree with you, that is usually more fun. I was just in the mood for some 'quick mind control action' when I wrote it.
I do have some different ideas for future mind control fics, hopefully better than this one. One is a concentual mind control fic between Dash and Twi (think of it as advanced sex play) and the other is something more in line with what you seem to like (and possible sequel to this) with rebel Bonbon being dominated by her already turned marefriend Lyra. I'm going to pony hell.

1466730

I'm fucking happy that you thought so. :pinkiehappy:

Well done good sir!

This is certainly one of the better clopfics on this site. I encourage you to write more.

One suggestion: the ending was a bit abrupt, try expanding in future.

For Great Justice!

A bajillion typos, a tad short/abrupt as others pointed out, but then I've also read much worse.

1503075

Hey thanks, glad you liked it.

1514959

Aww, I guess I can't trust programs to fix my flawed spelling can I? :rainbowlaugh:

But yes I agree that it is short. If you are the latest person to dislike it, then I am thankful that you actually said why you disliked it. It does actually help. :twilightsmile:

This is little more than mindless clop (pun partially intended).

Still, it can be improved by expanding upon it. I can think of two ways to go with this:

1) Twilight and whoever else is there gets rescued and the changelings are defeated. Twilight is sent to an institution that slowly works to reverse the changes to her psyche. This would make it more of a heartwarming story than a clop piece.

2) You show other ponies getting inducted into the hive. The princesses would be very interesting to see. Also, Derpy's indoctrination would be hilarious, so there's a bit of comic relief.

Perhaps two sequels, one for each possible future...

1614812

I actually have a few different ideas for a sequel already, although I'm not working on it as I'm currently busy with other stuff.

My favorite idea (and the hardest to pull off) is heavily inspired by the Sonic SaTam cartoon, but with Chrysalis taking over Equestria and turning the ponies into drones in place of Robotnik takin over and turning furries to robots. It would be an adventure fic focusing on the freedom fighters lead by Princess Luna, although it would still contain tons of clop, mind breaking and other things.

Sadly I'm afraid that project is waay out of my current skill level, so I'll practice writing other things :rainbowlaugh:

Sequel please! If that's alright with you :applecry:

Will there be a sequel for the rest of the mane 6?

1726939>>1773244>>1808352

I won't blame you for not reading earlier comments, but yes, I have plans for a sequel. In fact, I have quite a few ideas for a sequel, question is which one I'll go for, maybe I'll write more than one? Won't be a sequel for a while though, currently working on other stuff, including a pregnant fetish fic, a weight gain fetish fic and a pegging fic.

Yeah I know, more clop. :pinkiecrazy:

I don't have any plans (right now) on doing a sequel with any of the mane6, most ideas I have focuses on Lyra and Bon Bon for the next MLD.

You know I came up with a really odd idea for a sequel, or maybe a new story using this concept as a starting point. Through some series of events Twilight is rescued, freed from brain washing effects but finds herself pregnant to a small brood of changelings and has to deal with it as maternal instincts drive her to look after them.

1811797

If you end up writing this, please PM me a link or something, I'd friggin LOVE to read that.

1811896 I probably won’t, at least not for a while anyway. Too many other ideas (mostly including Changelings) I’m working on.

1811916

I know that feel all too well :raritycry:


Fuck too many sequel ideas WHILE writing other shit at the same time. Add to the fact that I write at the speed of a retarded sloth.

EDIT: Decided to delete most of the post because I started to ramble because it's past 3 in the morning lol.

1811950 I’m afraid I know that feeling all too well as well. I mean I can write pretty fast but having a bunch of really cool ideas only to have to wright the long intermediary scenes is a bit of a bore. Then there’s any necessary back ground characters you don’t care much for but have to keep redoing or they’ll just sound shallow and 2D.
As for late night typing… yikes, you right. It’s twenty past two here in England. Better wrap this up but it’s nice to pass around ideas so maybe some other time. Either way, good luck with your writing.

May I write a fic based around this? This world intrigues me, and I would like to expand on it.

1844463

Yo, sorry for keeping you waiting, combination of holidays, girlfriend and me being a lazy ass. :trollestia:

Anyways, It's not like I own the idea of, or is even the first to write about changelings mind controlling/corrupting/etc ponies, sooo yeah, go ahead, write it!

DO IT FILLY!

While I'll most likely ignore it in terms of continuity for the sequel, I'd be happy if you PMed me a link to the story if you ever decide to write it.

More mind control smut for the people!

Mistress is good...Mistress takes care of us...Mistress rewards us..

ARGH!! THE REFRENCE, ITS HURTS US!(if it wasnt supposed to be a refrence I will feel silly for my mind jumping there from this line..)

1909076

There's no intended reference there I'm afraid. xD

What did it remind you off?

1909261

I just felt it had that "Gollum" sound to it. With the way it was worded and used mistress(which is like master). Maybe my lack of sleep is just getting to me... Sorry.

1909326

Ahh, well, when you say it, I can see why you'd think that.

1897148
Soon Mind control will be bigger than HiE!!!:flutterrage: Hopefully......

1933846

I wouldn't mind some mind control HiE stories :D

Maybe a human getting brainwashed by the Changelings, being reduced to Chrysalis sex toy....

1933976
This is why I love you... :heart:

I read this just before the cover art got posted. Really, like I clicked off, and had a notification about your blog post about the cover art.

2163636

Then you most likely read it before I uploaded the edited version as well. :twilightsheepish:

Your avatar is awesome, can I know where it's from? :pinkiesad2: Btw I like the story. :twilightblush:

2223341

Thanks on both accounts!

As for the avatar, it's Ogiue from the Genshiken manga/anime, one of my favorite series of all time.

A small taste sample from the anime (the manga is better imo, but the anime kicks ass as well)

Newb question, what does HiE stand for? Good story! Definitly going to fav.

2293682

HiE stands for Human in Equestria.

They usually go something like this:

A human (usually male) drops into Equestria for a throwaway reason/no reason. Befriends ponies (usually mane6). He falls in love with one of them and if clop, fucks her.

Thats basicly it, highly enjoyable for some reason.

2296533

Thank you for explaining that. That's not really my thing, but to each their own :pinkiehappy:. Fo you think their will ever be a sequal, or an alt ending?

2297607

Sorry for taking so long to answer, but the answer is yes.

I have many ideas, two that are quite well developed in my head, now if I could just get my ass in gear and actually write at least one of them......:facehoof:

Login or register to comment