Meh. This chapter is done. That's all I can really say on it.
I wussed out on five or more planned clop scenes because I got sick of writing "so and so watched/saw/looked/sensed/noticed" and what have you. How the heck do you write for voyeurism? It probably didn't help that I didn't manage to give Pinkie a voyeurism fetish. Oops. I just realized what I screwed up there.
I can't write Pinkie for anything, and had a heck of a time trying to do her thoughts. It was very difficult to make ridiculous sentences that tried to make sense. As I said earlier this was supposed to end in tragedy with an emotionally broken Pinkie fulfilling her selfish desires by using the changeling as a doppelganger for what she really wanted. That unfortunately required a more cruel caretaker and a lot more unpleasant clop exposure. Boy did I mess that up.
I also only managed to hint at story progression instead of actually doing it. All in all I'd call this chapter a failure, but I had fun with some of it. I'm probably going to enjoy writing the next one though, because I'm sick like that.
I must have started and restarted this chapter ten times before I quit trying to be completely in character and just went with one of them. I kept some of my silly jokes though. I'll probably come back to this chapter later and do some sort of major re-write, adding scenes and changing dialogue to not suck. That isn't happening any time soon.
On the plus side, I think I came up with a decent trick. I also did something (poorly) for some SOB on Omegle who likes something particular. And it's the most character's I've had in a scene doing cloppy things at the same time (4). Hedonistic orgy here we come. And teeth. Why do changelings have fangs if they eat emotions? I know why! That was actually an Idea I had earlier, but it didn't really fit with the previous characters, except maybe Fluttershy. But I had other plans for her.
As always, please let me know of any grammar or spelling errors. Also if your confused about anything as far as who's doing/saying/feeling what. I tried to make it clear but it gets amazingly difficult when you have two nearly physically identical characters with no names in the same scene.
On to the next weird thing. Hopefully I'm more talented with that one.
Things I added: Paralysis, voyeurism, exhibitionism. Maybe more. I certainly had more planned.
actually it went pretty good nice job also you did fine with the pinkie dialouge. no visible mistakes to this eye so thats fine anyway yuou did a fine chapter even if it wasent up to your expectations.
This chapter did feel less exciting, which might be a poor description, it lacked zazz. But damn, Pinkie's plight is just unsettling, I mean nothing that's happened so far has been good for any ponies but this one got to me. Watching as your best friend/hopefully something more, delights in submissive bondage with your captors, all while being told and shown you can never have her in the relationship you always wanted. That's the sort of thing where if Pinkie just shut down entirely I would not be surprised at all, that's the sort of thing that breaks pony's spirits.
Absolutely loved it. You have been doing a great job covering every angle with the different personalities! I have really enjoyed going from hardcore fetish to something freaky (which is always my favorite) to sweet and then funny. Its been a roller-coaster of enjoyment! Stories with nothing but hard fetish every chapter can be like eating cake every day for a week. If you change it up you end up enjoying the cake even more when you finally do get it.Though I think the story has gotten me in the mood for another hard fetish or freaky (hoping on freaky) chapter next ^..^
Also seeing rainbow in the green goo harness... SSOOOO AWESOMMME!!!!
773586 Thanks! I'm never sure how things come out for other people, only how they sound to myself, so I kind of rely on comments to let me know when I screw up. 773687 Thanks! Yeah, the changeling was the one who was actually tricked in the end... maybe I should emphasize that slightly more... The changeling was still supposed to be better off than Pinkie though... I also still like the paralysis thing. That might come back up if the opportunity arises. 773780 Part of the reason it was not exciting was that I was constantly worried about how to make Pinkie somewhat in character. I also broke up the paragraphs too much with observations and random Pinkie thoughts instead of focusing on the action at hand. If I was to re-write, I'd probably put more effort into separating the sections, leaving the clop sections more cloppy and less.... Pinkie.
Also, this was basically a chapter of missed opportunities for me. So many horrible things to do and I went with that? Really... I'd probably add a lot more distressing clop as well during a re-write. I really wanted to traumatize her and leave her more emotionally broken, but I just couldn't figure it out and kind of wanted the chapter to end again. I guess a happy Pinkie will work for a little while. Maybe if I focused on writing one clop scene at a time, and then put them into the story? I'm not sure... I might try writing the next one with a completely different strategy. And thanks!
Thanks! I guess you're kinda right. It's a little concerning considering the length of my chapters though. I'm guessing if someone wants to sit down and spend however much time it takes to read my stuff then they feel kind of cheated when I have a crappy chapter/not the thing they wanted chapter. Maybe I should try shorter chapters for my next story. I also liked the idea of a green goo net suite. It seemed fitting. Get it? A suite? That seemed fitting? I think I'm going to avoid comedy for a while, it's just not my style. I keep getting wrapped up in making a sticky pun, and only end up trapped in some convoluted, tangled mesh of puns and bad analogies that's so far from funny it's downright sedative. I'm bad at this.
776461 Thanks! I'm not completely sure what's up next. I definitely have a sadism/masochism chapter coming up soon, but I don't know what other things will pop out. Maybe one of them will be that thing you seem to be excited about. We'll have to see what Twilight or Chrysalis does as they are the only two with... fully functioning... bits. I won't just throw it in if it doesn't fit, and I won't make major story adjustments just to add it. But there is a situation I might be willing to work with in one or two of the next chapters if they happen to go the right direction. My things always seem to go somewhere else when they get going, so no promises.
That being said, I am more likely to consider adding something/re-visiting something if it's requested in a comment somewhere. Occasionally I blank for ideas and have to grab them from Omegle or comments on here and clopfic.heroku. One thing from Omegle made it into Pinkie's chapter, and I'm going to try and work in another thing to another chapter because it's interesting to me.
I guess that's a score for me? The goal was to make you feel something! I kinda feel like I failed on the whole netorare thing I was going for, but if you got some sort of response, maybe it wasn't a complete failure.
Thanks for the comments guys!
Also, I got this awesome review on clopfic.heroku: "This is about as sexy as dried gasoline on a garage door, and is about as scary as a flash game." I just can't stop laughing. This is the best review yet. Totally how I'm gonna sell this to people.
791902 %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% All you have to do is take a dirty fetish, Add it to the fic! Now just make a first-rate plot about changelings, And post a chapter per week!
Breaking Main Six is such a cinch, A task easy to fulfil-a~ Press a little more, and you gain control And you bend them to your will-a~
Changelings -- so sly and kinky~ Changelings -- molesting Pinkie~ Changelings, ~~~Changelings, ~~~~~~Changelings, ~~~~~~~~~Changelings! %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Sorry for the late comment, it was a hell of a week for me. Also, everything down below is my personal opinion, so you may agree or disagree with it to any extent as long as you admit I am right.
First off, thanks for the new chapter, and a long one! Have been reading it ever so slowly and thoughtfully for like three days.
I am glad to see that you're able to express such a 'random' character as Pinkie. A formidable task to face, but you've succeeded with flying colours.
As for Bubbles, she, still being a charismatic character with some very own distinctive features, doesn't seem to be as gorgeously expressed as the Rainbow's caretaker. But, on the other hoof, I consider the latter to be the best-written character of the whole Competent Villains: Chrysalis, so it would be unwise to expect it of everyone.
The emotional charge of this chapter is surprisingly high, just slightly lower than that of the 4th chapter, The Defiant. 'Surprisingly', because who would expect Pinkie to have a crush on Rainbow? And 'high', because the crush was mixed with dirt right after it was revealed. Also, the relationship between Pinkie and Bubbles is quite sweet. ^_^
This brings us to the plot of the chapter, which is pretty interesting, has it's twists and turns, all-sufficient and, most importantly, fits in with the main story. Certainly, this can be said about any chapter of this magnificent tale, but it's well worth saying every time.
Sadly, this chapter is not flawless. I'm not going to mention a few misprints and mistakes I've met because a) I'm, being a foreigner, not that good with English, and b) It's not grammar that makes the story anyway. What am I going to mention is the ending of the chapter. I'm not telling you how to write your stories, mind you, but it seemed to me that the ending was somehow... crumpled? Terse? It's like there was so much to say, but you was just tired of writing and was trying to finish the thing already. Forgive and correct me if I'm wrong.
Also I probably should mention one more thing. You remember your reaction when I called your story 'A Tale of Love and blah-blah-blah...'? You replied that your intentions were to make the main characters suffer for... for a reason. And still, you make another chapter and it's filled with kindness. Admit - at least to yourself - that somewhere deep inside of you there are seeds of pure love just waiting for the right moment to bloom. (Yes, I'm going to stress it in every comment.)
Let me stop here, or this will go on for ever. Hope this was helpful/reassuring/entertaining.
P. S. If there is something unclear AND if you care for my opinion anyway - PM me and I'll be more than glad to explain what I've meant. My English is not perfect, as I've mentioned earlier.
P. P. S. >That way I can tell you apart and if someone were to write a story about us it would be easier to do because then you would have names! Nice one.
Anyways. This is an interesting concept! Fetishes oh my~ Chapter 2 blew my mind and the chapters afterwards have left me hooked on this story. I really want to see what you do with the other mares seeing what you did these ones was exciting!
No idea. I have it narrowed down to a few possibilities. It honestly depends what kind of stuff I want to throw in and how things play out. I had somebody request changeling Twilight X Celestia, and that leads to a very bad end for this story... But I really want to write that now. There are also plenty of happy ending possibilities. Depending on how satisfied I am with the ending, I might make a few alternate endings for people that don't like whatever happens. Then again, I'm sorta just doing this for myself and posting it to see what people think, so I don't care that much. It's just fun to throw in stuff people want sometimes.
Thanks! I'll fix that soon as I'm on a stable connection somewhere. I'm always scared of opening a chapter on a fuzzy connection. What if I accidentally erase it or something? Edit: Done. Additionally I hit some their/they're and its/it's and your/you're errors I found. Any other homonyms I missed? I screw those up a lot.
Damn. I love long reviews that are actual reviews. Thanks! I laughed at your song. It's highly amusing.
Thanks for the affirmation on my portrayal of Pinkie. I was very much concerned about that, and people telling me I did okay is a good sign, hopefully. Please don't be lying to me! I'll keep screwing up if it's all lies! But for now, I'm gonna trust you...
As for Bubbles, I'm going to add some stuff for her when I get around to it. She doesn't get an exposition like the other one, but I was hoping to avoid that. It seemed like a once a story thing. At most. I'll try to explain her better somehow, but for now she's a more lively part of the background. Considering the trick is played on her, I should probably fix that.
As for the emotional charge thing, I felt like I was throwing it in too much, too quickly. I tried to spread it out through the story a bit, having Pinkie hint at things without saying them but I wasn't sure how I did. And honestly, I planned on throwing a bunch more dirt into it before it got better. I really did just get sick of writing this chapter, and hurried it up.
I'm trying to have every chapter be a little story while still fitting in the larger story. That's why the "interlude" chapter is a little different. The story is kinda lame in that one because it's not a real chapter, it's just a chunk of a larger story. I might be able to do this without doing anymore interludes, if I'm careful with the last few chapters. But thanks for mentioning it! I like seeing that people notice things like that, and that I did it fairly well. Confirmation is always a plus.
The best part of your review is that last bit about how the chapter has problems. Some of it is spot on. Chapter 4 actually ended sorta like that before, and then I went an added a few scenes to make it feel more complete when I felt I could write it again. I'm probably gonna do that with this one when I feel like I can.
Things I could add: More Character development for Bubbles. A more in depth final scene. Probably one more clop scene for Pinkie. I'll probably go over it again and smooth some things out as well when I add stuff. But for now, I don't really want to go back to this chapter yet.
I wouldn't mind at all if you post any miss prints or grammatical errors. I'm always looking to improve things, and grammar errors are difficult to spot if nobody points them out to me. I also have no shame, so don't care when someone rips apart my stuff in the comments as opposed to PMs. And I've found that ESL people have a better grasp of grammar and whatnot than natural English speakers once they get enough experience, so don't feel bad about correcting me at all.
Thank you very much for this comment, and I'm gonna reference it when I get around to adjusting things.
Edit: I added a bunch of stuff to this comment, nothing was removed.
Thanks! I'm happy to see someone excited about things. Glad you noticed it. Pinkie actually references a bunch of things in her thoughts, some of them less obvious. I tried to keep most of what she actually said "in world" though.
-------- I'm mostly done with the next chapter. A ton of stuff is happening in it, and I don't have much clop in it. Only one very strange scene so far. It's too much stuff! Hopefully I'll be able to make it all fit seamlessly together. The plot is starting to actually take shape as well, so I've got a lot of editing and smoothing to do. I've already erased huge sections of it because they don't fit or were so OOC it wasn't worth fixing. I erased one very disturbing "clop" scene that was just too OOC for me. It also wasn't technically "clop" by any stretch of the imagination. For now, my notes where that section was say "F**K no. I tried." and that's all that's between my crappy line breaks. I had to erase it. The world must never know. I'll see if anybody can guess where that was in the story. Anywho, I've got to spend more time staring at an open word document wondering how to make ponies do weird things.
Edit: I added a bunch of stuff. Didn't remove anything.
807319 There is too much talking about 'The Last Chapter'. You aren't going to end the story any time soon, do you? And, thanks for the reply. You're willing to communicate, I love it.
Couldn't figure out where I said "The Last Chapter" except this comment 725439 .
As far as how much of this story is left, I'm mostly done with the next chapter. Which leaves one major pony, some sort of final chapter where stuff comes to a head(Maybe from a princess perspective, maybe Twilight, maybe Chrysalis, maybe a little bit of everypony), and an epilogue of some sorts. If I can't fit enough story into the chapter I'm currently editing and the last major pony, then I'll need another interlude or a two part final chapter or something. So we're looking at 4-5 ish more chapters.
The one I'm working(1), The next pony(2) Final chapter(3) Epilogue(4) Maybe extra Final or interlude for story(5). I think that's pretty good considering my initial plan when I started was six chapters, one for each major pony. That brings the total chapter count to 10-11 when I initially planned for 6.
I do want to move on to other things eventually, I'm not one to spend forever on one thing usually. I'm surprised I've made it this far, usually all I can manage is shorts. I tend to have a short attention span.
Every bit of feedback helps me suck less! So thanks!
807564 Okay, so this won't go on for ever and ever. Kinda sad, but all the good things have to end sooner or later. But still, it's only about half the way through, so we have nothing to worry about. Yet.
How could you think this is the weakest chapter?! It's has the perfect blend of sadness and cheer, I know you want this story to be dark but try to do a balance.
Interesting. VERY Interesting. This chapter would have definitely been one of the hardest to go about from a writing stand point, and yet.... it works really well, and had a little bit of something for everyone. The joke about the 40 cakes in reference to Lex Luthor was clever, and pretty funny, provided you understood where it came from. The characterization was top notch, the grammar near flawless, and most importantly, it was BELIEVEABLE! I didn't feel like I was reading a fan story, it felt like I was reading the script for an actual episode! That is a gift, and you certainly put it to use in this story.
So, those are the good points.
HOWEVER;
There are a few minor issues I have. Firstly, the last 2000 words or so seemed rushed, and slightly muddled as to what you were trying to get across. Just an extra five hundred words or so would have helped smooth out the pace of the story; but then again, a chapter about Pinkie Pie is never going to be that straightforward without affecting her character.
Secondly, at some points in your writing, just over the last couple of chapters, you seem like you're trying to keep all the criteria for all the different possible endings you have in mind, so you can keep us happy by pumping out chapters while you decide what you want to do. This can be problematic to say the least, as it leads to confusion, misleading comments, and can subtract from the whole experience.
Now don't get me wrong, the fact that i could only find those points as flaws means you are doing a really superb job. Thumbs up, and keep up the good work.
As a side note, would you want an editor? If so, i would be more than happy to do so; although with a story this good, there really isn't that much to edit, is there?
TL;DR Version: Another great chapter in a great story.
Damn the story is really pulling me in. I feel so bad that pinkie can't have her rainbow dash, and I hope in the end it'll all work out and dash's caretaked get beat in. I like the pinkie breaking the fourth wall with Twilight the changeling, even thought she doesn't know it's this twilight> all in all, my favourite chapter so far. If I make a suggestion? Write a chapter for Luna. You've hinted about it but, I want to know what the hell happened to best pony! Good job.
You do pinkie pie surprisingly well. In the weirdest way, you can somehow pick out random pieces of logic that actually make a little sense when followed, but are completely ridiculous without background.
Meh. This chapter is done. That's all I can really say on it.
I wussed out on five or more planned clop scenes because I got sick of writing "so and so watched/saw/looked/sensed/noticed" and what have you. How the heck do you write for voyeurism? It probably didn't help that I didn't manage to give Pinkie a voyeurism fetish. Oops. I just realized what I screwed up there.
I can't write Pinkie for anything, and had a heck of a time trying to do her thoughts. It was very difficult to make ridiculous sentences that tried to make sense. As I said earlier this was supposed to end in tragedy with an emotionally broken Pinkie fulfilling her selfish desires by using the changeling as a doppelganger for what she really wanted. That unfortunately required a more cruel caretaker and a lot more unpleasant clop exposure. Boy did I mess that up.
I also only managed to hint at story progression instead of actually doing it. All in all I'd call this chapter a failure, but I had fun with some of it. I'm probably going to enjoy writing the next one though, because I'm sick like that.
I must have started and restarted this chapter ten times before I quit trying to be completely in character and just went with one of them. I kept some of my silly jokes though. I'll probably come back to this chapter later and do some sort of major re-write, adding scenes and changing dialogue to not suck. That isn't happening any time soon.
On the plus side, I think I came up with a decent trick. I also did something (poorly) for some SOB on Omegle who likes something particular. And it's the most character's I've had in a scene doing cloppy things at the same time (4). Hedonistic orgy here we come. And teeth. Why do changelings have fangs if they eat emotions? I know why! That was actually an Idea I had earlier, but it didn't really fit with the previous characters, except maybe Fluttershy. But I had other plans for her.
As always, please let me know of any grammar or spelling errors. Also if your confused about anything as far as who's doing/saying/feeling what. I tried to make it clear but it gets amazingly difficult when you have two nearly physically identical characters with no names in the same scene.
On to the next weird thing. Hopefully I'm more talented with that one.
Things I added: Paralysis, voyeurism, exhibitionism. Maybe more. I certainly had more planned.
actually it went pretty good nice job also you did fine with the pinkie dialouge. no visible mistakes to this eye so thats fine anyway yuou did a fine chapter even if it wasent up to your expectations.
You do write a good Pinkie, you know. It was pretty funny at times. That poor changeling
And I wondered about the same thing, the teeth. I just figure it's for defense or something, if they're found out and the like.
This chapter did feel less exciting, which might be a poor description, it lacked zazz.
But damn, Pinkie's plight is just unsettling, I mean nothing that's happened so far has been good for any ponies but this one got to me. Watching as your best friend/hopefully something more, delights in submissive bondage with your captors, all while being told and shown you can never have her in the relationship you always wanted. That's the sort of thing where if Pinkie just shut down entirely I would not be surprised at all, that's the sort of thing that breaks pony's spirits.
Looking forward to Rarity and AJ.
Absolutely loved it. You have been doing a great job covering every angle with the different personalities! I have really enjoyed going from hardcore fetish to something freaky (which is always my favorite) to sweet and then funny. Its been a roller-coaster of enjoyment! Stories with nothing but hard fetish every chapter can be like eating cake every day for a week. If you change it up you end up enjoying the cake even more when you finally do get it.Though I think the story has gotten me in the mood for another hard fetish or freaky (hoping on freaky) chapter next ^..^
Also seeing rainbow in the green goo harness... SSOOOO AWESOMMME!!!!
773586
Thanks! I'm never sure how things come out for other people, only how they sound to myself, so I kind of rely on comments to let me know when I screw up.
773687
Thanks! Yeah, the changeling was the one who was actually tricked in the end... maybe I should emphasize that slightly more... The changeling was still supposed to be better off than Pinkie though... I also still like the paralysis thing. That might come back up if the opportunity arises.
773780
Part of the reason it was not exciting was that I was constantly worried about how to make Pinkie somewhat in character. I also broke up the paragraphs too much with observations and random Pinkie thoughts instead of focusing on the action at hand. If I was to re-write, I'd probably put more effort into separating the sections, leaving the clop sections more cloppy and less.... Pinkie.
Also, this was basically a chapter of missed opportunities for me. So many horrible things to do and I went with that? Really... I'd probably add a lot more distressing clop as well during a re-write. I really wanted to traumatize her and leave her more emotionally broken, but I just couldn't figure it out and kind of wanted the chapter to end again. I guess a happy Pinkie will work for a little while. Maybe if I focused on writing one clop scene at a time, and then put them into the story? I'm not sure... I might try writing the next one with a completely different strategy. And thanks!
774814
Thanks! I guess you're kinda right. It's a little concerning considering the length of my chapters though. I'm guessing if someone wants to sit down and spend however much time it takes to read my stuff then they feel kind of cheated when I have a crappy chapter/not the thing they wanted chapter. Maybe I should try shorter chapters for my next story. I also liked the idea of a green goo net suite. It seemed fitting. Get it? A suite? That seemed fitting? I think I'm going to avoid comedy for a while, it's just not my style. I keep getting wrapped up in making a sticky pun, and only end up trapped in some convoluted, tangled mesh of puns and bad analogies that's so far from funny it's downright sedative. I'm bad at this.
776461
Thanks! I'm not completely sure what's up next. I definitely have a sadism/masochism chapter coming up soon, but I don't know what other things will pop out. Maybe one of them will be that thing you seem to be excited about. We'll have to see what Twilight or Chrysalis does as they are the only two with... fully functioning... bits. I won't just throw it in if it doesn't fit, and I won't make major story adjustments just to add it. But there is a situation I might be willing to work with in one or two of the next chapters if they happen to go the right direction. My things always seem to go somewhere else when they get going, so no promises.
That being said, I am more likely to consider adding something/re-visiting something if it's requested in a comment somewhere. Occasionally I blank for ideas and have to grab them from Omegle or comments on here and clopfic.heroku. One thing from Omegle made it into Pinkie's chapter, and I'm going to try and work in another thing to another chapter because it's interesting to me.
I also like the ovipositor bits. that is what made this story for me...that and queen chrysalis. and seeing the name dashie...
I have no idea what my feelings are doing right now.
783106
I'll see what I can do, but no promises.
787188
I guess that's a score for me? The goal was to make you feel something! I kinda feel like I failed on the whole netorare thing I was going for, but if you got some sort of response, maybe it wasn't a complete failure.
Thanks for the comments guys!
Also, I got this awesome review on clopfic.heroku:
"This is about as sexy as dried gasoline on a garage door, and is about as scary as a flash game."
I just can't stop laughing. This is the best review yet. Totally how I'm gonna sell this to people.
787277
Oh, it's a win for you, definitely, I just... I don't know whether to be turned on or horrified. Or both.
I'm going to pony hell for liking this?
dl.dropbox.com/u/39294236/0%20Fucks%20Given.gif
I don't know how, but you continue to surprise and amaze!
787842
Damn straight you are! And I'll meet you there.
791245 791681
Thanks! I think. I'm not sure exactly what that last one means, but I can roll with it. So much rolling.
Is there gonna be a happy end
791902
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
All you have to do is take a dirty fetish,
Add it to the fic!
Now just make a first-rate plot about changelings,
And post a chapter per week!
Breaking Main Six is such a cinch,
A task easy to fulfil-a~
Press a little more, and you gain control
And you bend them to your will-a~
Changelings -- so sly and kinky~
Changelings -- molesting Pinkie~
Changelings,
~~~Changelings,
~~~~~~Changelings,
~~~~~~~~~Changelings!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Sorry for the late comment, it was a hell of a week for me. Also, everything down below is my personal opinion, so you may agree or disagree with it to any extent as long as you admit I am right.
First off, thanks for the new chapter, and a long one!
Have been reading it ever so slowly and thoughtfully for like three days.
I am glad to see that you're able to express such a 'random' character as Pinkie. A formidable task to face, but you've succeeded with flying colours.
As for Bubbles, she, still being a charismatic character with some very own distinctive features, doesn't seem to be as gorgeously expressed as the Rainbow's caretaker. But, on the other hoof, I consider the latter to be the best-written character of the whole Competent Villains: Chrysalis, so it would be unwise to expect it of everyone.
The emotional charge of this chapter is surprisingly high, just slightly lower than that of the 4th chapter, The Defiant. 'Surprisingly', because who would expect Pinkie to have a crush on Rainbow? And 'high', because the crush was mixed with dirt right after it was revealed. Also, the relationship between Pinkie and Bubbles is quite sweet. ^_^
This brings us to the plot of the chapter, which is pretty interesting, has it's twists and turns, all-sufficient and, most importantly, fits in with the main story. Certainly, this can be said about any chapter of this magnificent tale, but it's well worth saying every time.
Sadly, this chapter is not flawless. I'm not going to mention a few misprints and mistakes I've met because a) I'm, being a foreigner, not that good with English, and b) It's not grammar that makes the story anyway. What am I going to mention is the ending of the chapter. I'm not telling you how to write your stories, mind you, but it seemed to me that the ending was somehow... crumpled? Terse? It's like there was so much to say, but you was just tired of writing and was trying to finish the thing already. Forgive and correct me if I'm wrong.
Also I probably should mention one more thing. You remember your reaction when I called your story 'A Tale of Love and blah-blah-blah...'? You replied that your intentions were to make the main characters suffer for... for a reason. And still, you make another chapter and it's filled with kindness. Admit - at least to yourself - that somewhere deep inside of you there are seeds of pure love just waiting for the right moment to bloom. (Yes, I'm going to stress it in every comment.)
Let me stop here, or this will go on for ever.
Hope this was helpful/reassuring/entertaining.
P. S.
If there is something unclear AND if you care for my opinion anyway - PM me and I'll be more than glad to explain what I've meant. My English is not perfect, as I've mentioned earlier.
P. P. S.
>That way I can tell you apart and if someone were to write a story about us it would be easier to do because then you would have names!
Nice one.
That ending line. See what you did there.
Anyways. This is an interesting concept! Fetishes oh my~ Chapter 2 blew my mind and the chapters afterwards have left me hooked on this story. I really want to see what you do with the other mares seeing what you did these ones was exciting!
I look forward to the upcoming chapters.
Bubbles<3
799374
No idea. I have it narrowed down to a few possibilities. It honestly depends what kind of stuff I want to throw in and how things play out. I had somebody request changeling Twilight X Celestia, and that leads to a very bad end for this story... But I really want to write that now. There are also plenty of happy ending possibilities. Depending on how satisfied I am with the ending, I might make a few alternate endings for people that don't like whatever happens. Then again, I'm sorta just doing this for myself and posting it to see what people think, so I don't care that much. It's just fun to throw in stuff people want sometimes.
802982
Thanks! I'll fix that soon as I'm on a stable connection somewhere. I'm always scared of opening a chapter on a fuzzy connection. What if I accidentally erase it or something?
Edit: Done. Additionally I hit some their/they're and its/it's and your/you're errors I found. Any other homonyms I missed? I screw those up a lot.
804063
Damn. I love long reviews that are actual reviews. Thanks! I laughed at your song. It's highly amusing.
Thanks for the affirmation on my portrayal of Pinkie. I was very much concerned about that, and people telling me I did okay is a good sign, hopefully. Please don't be lying to me! I'll keep screwing up if it's all lies! But for now, I'm gonna trust you...
As for Bubbles, I'm going to add some stuff for her when I get around to it. She doesn't get an exposition like the other one, but I was hoping to avoid that. It seemed like a once a story thing. At most. I'll try to explain her better somehow, but for now she's a more lively part of the background. Considering the trick is played on her, I should probably fix that.
As for the emotional charge thing, I felt like I was throwing it in too much, too quickly. I tried to spread it out through the story a bit, having Pinkie hint at things without saying them but I wasn't sure how I did. And honestly, I planned on throwing a bunch more dirt into it before it got better. I really did just get sick of writing this chapter, and hurried it up.
I'm trying to have every chapter be a little story while still fitting in the larger story. That's why the "interlude" chapter is a little different. The story is kinda lame in that one because it's not a real chapter, it's just a chunk of a larger story. I might be able to do this without doing anymore interludes, if I'm careful with the last few chapters. But thanks for mentioning it! I like seeing that people notice things like that, and that I did it fairly well. Confirmation is always a plus.
The best part of your review is that last bit about how the chapter has problems. Some of it is spot on. Chapter 4 actually ended sorta like that before, and then I went an added a few scenes to make it feel more complete when I felt I could write it again. I'm probably gonna do that with this one when I feel like I can.
Things I could add: More Character development for Bubbles. A more in depth final scene. Probably one more clop scene for Pinkie. I'll probably go over it again and smooth some things out as well when I add stuff. But for now, I don't really want to go back to this chapter yet.
I wouldn't mind at all if you post any miss prints or grammatical errors. I'm always looking to improve things, and grammar errors are difficult to spot if nobody points them out to me. I also have no shame, so don't care when someone rips apart my stuff in the comments as opposed to PMs. And I've found that ESL people have a better grasp of grammar and whatnot than natural English speakers once they get enough experience, so don't feel bad about correcting me at all.
Thank you very much for this comment, and I'm gonna reference it when I get around to adjusting things.
Edit: I added a bunch of stuff to this comment, nothing was removed.
804484
Thanks! I'm happy to see someone excited about things. Glad you noticed it. Pinkie actually references a bunch of things in her thoughts, some of them less obvious. I tried to keep most of what she actually said "in world" though.
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I'm mostly done with the next chapter. A ton of stuff is happening in it, and I don't have much clop in it. Only one very strange scene so far. It's too much stuff! Hopefully I'll be able to make it all fit seamlessly together. The plot is starting to actually take shape as well, so I've got a lot of editing and smoothing to do. I've already erased huge sections of it because they don't fit or were so OOC it wasn't worth fixing. I erased one very disturbing "clop" scene that was just too OOC for me. It also wasn't technically "clop" by any stretch of the imagination. For now, my notes where that section was say "F**K no. I tried." and that's all that's between my crappy line breaks. I had to erase it. The world must never know. I'll see if anybody can guess where that was in the story. Anywho, I've got to spend more time staring at an open word document wondering how to make ponies do weird things.
Edit: I added a bunch of stuff. Didn't remove anything.
807319
There is too much talking about 'The Last Chapter'. You aren't going to end the story any time soon, do you?
And, thanks for the reply. You're willing to communicate, I love it.
807516
Couldn't figure out where I said "The Last Chapter" except this comment 725439 .
As far as how much of this story is left, I'm mostly done with the next chapter. Which leaves one major pony, some sort of final chapter where stuff comes to a head(Maybe from a princess perspective, maybe Twilight, maybe Chrysalis, maybe a little bit of everypony), and an epilogue of some sorts. If I can't fit enough story into the chapter I'm currently editing and the last major pony, then I'll need another interlude or a two part final chapter or something. So we're looking at 4-5 ish more chapters.
The one I'm working(1), The next pony(2) Final chapter(3) Epilogue(4) Maybe extra Final or interlude for story(5). I think that's pretty good considering my initial plan when I started was six chapters, one for each major pony. That brings the total chapter count to 10-11 when I initially planned for 6.
I do want to move on to other things eventually, I'm not one to spend forever on one thing usually. I'm surprised I've made it this far, usually all I can manage is shorts. I tend to have a short attention span.
Every bit of feedback helps me suck less! So thanks!
807564
Okay, so this won't go on for ever and ever. Kinda sad, but all the good things have to end sooner or later. But still, it's only about half the way through, so we have nothing to worry about. Yet.
How could you think this is the weakest chapter?!
It's has the perfect blend of sadness and cheer, I know you want this story to be dark but try to do a balance.
Interesting. VERY Interesting. This chapter would have definitely been one of the hardest to go about from a writing stand point, and yet.... it works really well, and had a little bit of something for everyone. The joke about the 40 cakes in reference to Lex Luthor was clever, and pretty funny, provided you understood where it came from. The characterization was top notch, the grammar near flawless, and most importantly, it was BELIEVEABLE! I didn't feel like I was reading a fan story, it felt like I was reading the script for an actual episode! That is a gift, and you certainly put it to use in this story.
So, those are the good points.
HOWEVER;
There are a few minor issues I have. Firstly, the last 2000 words or so seemed rushed, and slightly muddled as to what you were trying to get across. Just an extra five hundred words or so would have helped smooth out the pace of the story; but then again, a chapter about Pinkie Pie is never going to be that straightforward without affecting her character.
Secondly, at some points in your writing, just over the last couple of chapters, you seem like you're trying to keep all the criteria for all the different possible endings you have in mind, so you can keep us happy by pumping out chapters while you decide what you want to do. This can be problematic to say the least, as it leads to confusion, misleading comments, and can subtract from the whole experience.
Now don't get me wrong, the fact that i could only find those points as flaws means you are doing a really superb job. Thumbs up, and keep up the good work.
As a side note, would you want an editor? If so, i would be more than happy to do so; although with a story this good, there really isn't that much to edit, is there?
TL;DR Version: Another great chapter in a great story.
Damn the story is really pulling me in. I feel so bad that pinkie can't have her rainbow dash, and I hope in the end it'll all work out and dash's caretaked get beat in. I like the pinkie breaking the fourth wall with Twilight the changeling, even thought she doesn't know it's this twilight> all in all, my favourite chapter so far. If I make a suggestion? Write a chapter for Luna. You've hinted about it but, I want to know what the hell happened to best pony! Good job.
You do pinkie pie surprisingly well. In the weirdest way, you can somehow pick out random pieces of logic that actually make a little sense when followed, but are completely ridiculous without background.
I'm feel so sorry for pinkie. It is literally breaking my heart
This chapter was alright.
It is a bit more difficult to watch the cheery ones be broken in some way.
this fic is amazing how are you so good at writing?