Just a guy with some words. I love and tolerate all. Really don't understand hate but whatever.
Dreams. We reach for them with our all, with every bit of our soul. We never think about falling short. Rainbow Dash and Spike have both reached and missed, and now they don't know which way to turn. But they soon discover that dreams are endless and with wings and each other, obtaining them is a definite possibility.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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'Please be brutally honest' - Challenge Accepted.
I liked it.
It's well readable and most parts are designed comprehensible. (or comprehensible designed? Gosh, my english is failing again)
Some people could say that dialogues should be splitted in several lines, just like:
"Ohmagosh, dis is so awesome" Somepony said.
"Yea, isn't it? It is soo much easier to read naow!" Another one answered.
But meh, I like the style you used. Doesn't need that much space and it's still fine.
<One more line>
What I really recommend to you (since you wished brutal honesty) is to keep an eye on your signs.
Sometimes there is a space missing, like here: "[...]promptly picked it up."Now go get her.""
Or a random placed ' & " like:
"
"
She makes it sound so awesome."
and: "It' was noon and the day was more beautiful then usual[...]"
Sure, no important thing at all and maybe it's just my browser freaking out, but I like to troll people with such stuff
Last but not least: It was a bit too short imo. Why didn't you wrote something about Dash's fly around Ponyville? Sure, it's not important for the story to tell us about it, but who cares? Escapism for da win!
So yea, I hope your plans to make future chapters longer will become true.
<Pointless long & semi-well written troll comment-counter +1>
Keep going! This gonna be good!
866321 Thnx for your honesty. When I first started this i planned to have 5000+ words, but when my computer died all I had was my phone. It takes considerably longer to type on a phone, so I split chapter one so that readers can get something. Also when I uploaded to the random stuff happened. (random spaces and symbols.) I am currently paying off a laptop which should make things better.
If Only - Queens Of The Stone Age
I do this because I care (and because you literally asked for it):
The premise is good, though I can't help but feel some of this was rather forced. For instance, would Dash really be that down that she was put in the reserves? I think she'd be ecstatic that she's now officially a member of the Wonderbolts. It's certainly not as if she couldn't take the place of Spitfire one day. In short, being a member of the reserves is better than not being a member at all.
The formatting was a little odd, but as you said, you had to type this on a phone, so I trust that this will be rectified relatively soon.
That would be a lot easier to read if the paragraphs were separated by a single line, don't you think? Again, could be an error of the phone. I see you already start new character dialogues in new lines. That's a very good habit.
Another error I spotted was the incorrect use of then when it should be than.
Than is the comparative word.
> I'm bigger than you.
Then refers to the order in which events happen.
> I shot him then killed him.
My final gripe is that some of your sentences are in desperate need of commas. This is more of a psychological thing for the reader. Commas break up longer sentences, making them easier to read. Try reading it out loud. Generally, if you feel like you should pause at a particular point in the text, then a comma should go there to show that. Using this rule...
becomes
Does that not read more easily?
Overall, I'd say good job. I think RainbowSpike is starting to become a rather popular pairing. There's a good four or five fics for it, counting this one. Now, if only there was more artwork for it...
You and I have an agreement that's been put off for too long Harmony_Blue, I believe I owe you a review.
I like the beginning a lot, you do a good job at setting the mood, and as a reader I feel like I can sympathize with Dash's dilemma. Her need to kinda rekindle her usually abundant levels of self confidence feels real, and goes well with her character. And of course a near suicidal stunt to help her ease her troubles is the perfect way to end her scene and shows you know your characters well.
Spike's scene was interesting to read, I liked the idea of the "Sky Diamonds" and the imagery of these gems being cut to look like roses is very nice, even more so when Spike's hands performed the task. A wealthy, yet humble Spike is a nice idea and it suits his character for him to be trying so hard to impress his "date" while at the same time not coming off as the kind of fellow who uses his fortune to show off. Seeing the poor guy waiting patiently for his mademoiselle only to realize that she wasn't coming was sad, but I understand that to move things along in the way that we want, sometimes these moments are necessary.
A good read and I'm looking forward to that next chapter Harmony_Blue, I'm sure you wont disappoint.
Hopefully this review was worth the wait
997065 Thanks alot. Reading your review and seeing that you like it make me happy to write. I wasnt too sure if I was catching the characthers right. I took and chance and went by how I saw them. I am working hard on chapter two but a lil writers block is slowing me down. Again thanx for the review and giving me more drive.
I'm an eternal Spike fan, and after reading this, I immediately thought up a scenario of what Spike would do the next day that followed something like this: (it did alter greatly between the initial thought and getting to write it down, so read at your own caution)
There was a knock at the boutique's door at a half-past noon, now to the fashionable unicorn, she would not ponder who it might've been any more then a restaurant would wonder if the people wanted to eat, so she quickly finished a portion of dress and skipped towards the door to greet the potential customer, only to see Spike and stop dead in her tracks with a feeling of guilt, regret, and embarrassment at his angered expression, "Spike?"
"Well, it would seem you at least remembered my name," he spat out. "Good thing I'm not completely forgotten..."
"Spike... I... I..."
"Do you even remember the time we were supposed to meet?"
She paused, looking at her feet as if they would answer for her, "t... two..."
"And do you have any idea how long I was waiting for you?" He asked, watching the mare silently stand in front of him, seemingly trying to figure an excuse, any excuse. "Well, I waited for you, desperate to think of any reason why you would be eight hours late."
The math clicked in her mind, being the perfectionist she is, she knew she had left The Refined Tastes with her colt-friend at just that time, "Spike, it isn't what you..."
"I saw!" Was all he needed to say, the shocked expression on her face was enough to hurl all of those memories back to her, recalling what it may have done to Spike if he had seen. "And you know what... I'm actually kind of glad."
"Wh... what?!"
"Well, miss Rarity, have you ever seen one of these before?" He asked, bringing the single Sky's Diamond Rose from behind his back to capture her gaze.
"I... Is... Is that..."
"Yes, it's a Sky's Diamond in the shape of a rose."
"B... But... just the dust is worth..."
"A small fortune, I know." He replied coldly, raising the rose to his eye, inspecting it for further effect as he continued, "and you know... it was appraised to have an estimate value of 6-and-a-half billion Bits, by itself." (or some other ridiculously high number for its rarity)
"S... S... Six..."
"And you know, even the richest colt in the world could only afford 1 if they had spent every last penny they had to pay for it. And last night, I was offering you twelve."
"Tw... Tw..."
"Now, the only thoughts going through my mind regarding these flowery gems is wether to sell them as a whole, or smash them into the same dust you crushed my heart into."
"S... Sp..."
"And as to why I came over today. Well, it was mostly to show you what you missed out on, but I really came over to let you know that I'm no longer interested in you... in fact, I would be happy if I never see you again." And with that, he turned and started walking away, toting the rose in his claw as Rarity broke free of her stagnation.
"Spike!" She pleaded, almost reaching his shoulder as he turned towards her with a glare so vile and enraged that it made fluttershy's stare look like a giggling smile, stopping her dead in her tracks. He turned back and continued walking away in what seemed like hours to her, but were actually mere seconds, It was now her turn to cry.
So to sum it up:
Spike = Furious enough to grow wings
RD = Mad enough to break wings
I'm expecting rainbow explosions and fiery confrontations in the next chapter!
RD should nail them with a sonic rainboom right now or get her friends to use the elements of harmony on him and or her.
Any news on an update?
Bah. Da. This got updated almost 2 months ago and I didn't noticed it? Damn, I am so unsorted..
..Very well. I liked this chapter so far. At the beginning it was way better than the first editor-whise, but it was kinda funny to see how more and more mistakes sneaked into it as I did read along.
Maybe this will turn our Spikey Wikey into a real dragon after all? And will RD stick to her being as the bearer of the element of LOYALTY? I'm up to read more about this!
Update please
When the door opened a very passive Celestia stood there for a few seconds before closing the door to her closet door again.
Few too many doors in this sentence. Otherwise excellent.
about time for an update
and I'm glad there isn't really anything sad in this chapter
okay... WOW
um ...yea..wow
Mental note: Don't ever get on Rainbow Dash's bad side.
Apart from a few basic grammatical errors, this is fantastic. One of the more prevalent ones is the homonym your/you're. If the context calls for "you are", go for the contraction "you're".
That was an epic shitstorm / Flank (Ass) kicking.
Whoa 5 months without an update, what happened?
When out the next chapter?
1161091
WOw, post, man. It could to be a great cene, but work one more about Rarity thinks, ok?
2008687 man... I posted that forever ago... and I'm going to be honest here and say that, to me, there is no excuse for cheating... and the first draft of that was filled with blood by the end, that's how I honestly felt about it at the time
2007150 Are these wows good or bad? I'd like them to be good, but if they're bad then can i at least know why?
2011679 Good I was speech less to what RD did.
Good story
I'd love to read more of this RD-Celestia talk.
It's like... I don't know, a grandma (sorry, Tia), talking to her granddaughter about love. Rainbow just seems to be just a little filly, next to her, that needs to be taken care of.
And I thought she was a lesbian........................
An update! Glad to see the punctiation hasn't changed.
N'ah, kidding. Taking the punctuation aside, I'm really glad that this story is still alive.
Wow, this is a really good story you have here, some grammer error's, but other then that I love were this story is going. I do hope you make Rarity's reason for standing Spike up to be believable, but that's really the only thing as far as the characters go that I find to be a little out of place here.
Oh, on other note, I found the conversation between Lightning and Soarin to be the funniest part in this chapter, lol. Total Bro moment there.
Keep up the good work!
Hope to see an update soon.
Your never going to update are you
2269068 You really like this story alot. Didn't know i had such interested fans.
2315522 yes I love the story more pwean
this is good
need moar please
Must...have...MOAR!!! Please?
2315522 Please update soon.
I need a update, I wanna see twilight beat the shit out of rarity
Wow this story is getting a lot more attention than I thought it would. I feel motivated. I had started chapter 4. I just lost motivation. Seeing how much you all love the story I want to start again. Thank you for your support. Like and comment.
2576892 memecrunch.com/meme/7SE2/do-not-disappoint-me/image.png
The wait is killing me.
Just found this.
I must say, it's an excellent story; but it has terrible grammar. (the delay between chapters is pretty rough too {not that I'm one to talk...})
If you like I can offer my services as a proof reader
he didn't really care besides, there
it looked more beautiful than it did tasty instantly thought of Rarity.
I just want to make sure your okay.
Yeah, that's an F for writing.
Your dialogue tends to lack punctuation sometimes - it interrupts the flow.
Something like
reads better as
I found a section of dialogue that has a lot of examples of ways you could improve.
And a few others after that.
i for some reason remembered this story and had to ask around to find it again. any plans on updating?
2788275 I do. Just a tight schedule.
2748413
Agreed.
I'm liking the story....it just REALLY needs an editor. Smooth out some sentences, correct punctuation and grammar...it's prevalent enough to detract from the actual story.
But, a good story nonetheless.
Sonic Rainboom punch Flawless Victory Fatality!
You have a new chapter coming soon? I really want to see where this is going
..... yet another intriguing story thats seemingly forgotten. I really hope an update pops up someday tho.
Still trying to find out about those strange back pains you've been having. Dem wings be comeing
Whu do all the good storys have to be forgotten
To Everyone: The days I wish I was a billionaire. Then I could pay these authors to keep writing the good write.
To Harmony_Blue: The story is fantastic, you have incredible ideas, and I wish to see more of this, as do many others I would presume. And if you ever need an editor, just pm me.
Have a moustache