Is That... Really a Pony?
"Aw, shoot! I'm late!"
Rainbow darted through the air faster than an arrow, muttering curses all the while. She had planned for this. How could she be late? How?! She had met everypony else's family at some point or other. She had visited Pinkie's Rock Farm. Twilight's folks had come over this one time. Rarity's parents lived around town.
The only mystery yet to be solved was Fluttershy's dad. It was a mystery that meant a lot to Rainbow, since she had known Fluttershy as a kid... and still not seen hide nor hair of the elusive stallion.
"I bet the others are already there! I'll be the last one!" she groaned as she tore through the sky. "I hate being last!"
There, on the horizon, was Fluttershy's cottage. It was tiny, really, compared to the vast expanse of the sky. Rainbow powered up the trail leading to the house, overtaking several small animals desperate to get out of her way.
As she got closer, she began to hear voices. She could make out Applejack's muffled yammering, and Pinkie's excited gibbering. Darn it, I really am the last pony there, she thought.
She skidded to a halt outside the door, panting furiously. Without even knocking, she slammed the door open and bounced inside, eyes searching the room for any sign of Fluttershy's father. "I'm here! I'm h—" she began.
"And then," came a massive, booming, outrageous voice, "I told him that it wasn't a chest of drawers... it was my left bicep!"
Rainbow froze. She hadn't expected it to be quite so easy to find the stallion she was looking for in the room. In fact, he practically was the room. A single eye swung towards her.
"Ah, hello, lad. You must be the latecomer!"
Rainbow wasn't entirely sure how to react. Fluttershy managed to extract herself from the mountain of flesh that was the stallion's foreleg and beckon at her friend to come in. "Hello, Rainbow," she said, as loud as she could manage with her father's death grip crushing the very soul from her body. "This is my father... Barrelopheles," she said. "But you can call him Barrel."
Rainbow shook her surprise off, and stretched her hoof out. "Um, nice to meet you," she said. "You're... big."
There were ponies that were big by dint of having a significant quantity of mass to them. They'd be heavy and intimidating, but not physically impossible. Then there were ponies that stretched the definition of physics by being bigger than their actual size should allow, the kind that took up more space in the room than seemed readily available.
Then there was Barrel. Never before had Rainbow, or Applejack, or Rarity, or even Pinkie seen a pony of such epic proportions that if the very planet was handed to him, he'd have to be told not to sit on it too hard. A pony so heavily built that you didn't need Celestia to keep the sun in orbit: the stallion's own gravity would do that for you. A pony with a head so massive that it wouldn't just be able to swallow you whole, but a significant portion of the ground you were standing on, and then come back for seconds.
But it went further than that. It wasn't just the way he rearranged space and time to allow for his bulk: it was his noise. It was the way he spoke. No, he didn't shout... he didn't need to. A whisper was all it'd take to knock you off your hooves. But that wasn't it either. It was the way you heard it. It did something to your brain, something big, something that made you pay attention, because otherwise you might be sat on. And getting sat on by this guy might as well be a death sentence.
It was everything else, too. It was the eyepatch. For some reason, missing a part of him only made you notice the bits that were left more. It was the beard, bright pink but decidedly masculine, and so roaringly out of control that you could lose a combine harvester in it. There might be entire civilizations concealed within his facial hair. Empires. They might be at war with each other. If you listened closely, you could hear the cannon-fire.
Or maybe those were just the sounds of his organs. With a normal pony, you tended to hear them digest their dinners. With Barrel, you'd have to repress the instinct to take cover from artillery. The cannon-fire that was his heartbeat, the explosions of his stomach, and the mortars that went off every time he swallowed.
How Fluttershy was able to fit him and all her friends in her tiny, pocket-size cottage was beyond reason.
"Y'know, Fluttershy hasn't told us much about you," Twilight said, her neck aching from having to look up to locate Barrel's remaining eye. "What is it you do?"
"I work in accounting."
"That's interestin'," Applejack replied. "What's your special talent, then?"
"Eh?"
"Your cutie mark?" Twilight said, eager to be helpful.
"Oh, that. It's a flower," he declared proudly. "It's pink."
Fluttershy nodded. "It represents his caring and nurturing nature," she explained.
The titanic guffaw that rocked the very foundations of the earth nearly deafened the ponies present. "So I'm told!"
Rarity couldn't help but think that this stallion's version of 'nurture' might end in a handful of broken bones.
"Why didn't you visit before?! I'd have loved to see you sooner!" Pinkie said, navigating Barrel's rippling muscles... Except they didn't ripple so much as wave. "We could have bonded over coffee and cake!"
"Well, my dear, it's because there aren't any balloons big enough for me! I had to fly the whole trip on my own."
"That's far," Rainbow commented.
"Exactly, boyo. I have to wait until Cloudsdale gets close."
"I hate to burst your bubble," Applejack began, "but Rainbow here ain't a stallion."
Barrel's football of an eye widened. "Oh! My mistake, miss. The unruly mane threw me."
"Hey, I don't mind," Rainbow said. To Applejack, she snapped, "don't ruin this for me! Maybe I like that!"
"It must be a pain, living so far from your daughter," Rarity said. Barrel seemed to shift the cottage as he nodded, his lower lip jutting out like the prow of a great sea vessel.
"Aye, it is. But we write."
"Speaking of," Fluttershy went on, "did you get my package?"
"Yes. I loved it. You don't get chocolates like that up in Cloudsdale."
"Oh, before I forget..." Rarity began, "you absolutely must tell us about Fluttershy as a foal."
"I can do one better!" Barrel declared. He stretched out his wings, and pulled a small picture from his wallet. "This is of me and my wife when Fluttershy was born. Wasn't she just the tiniest thing?"
Twilight looked at the picture. She couldn't help but smile seeing Fluttershy as a newborn. She looked so small and fragile in her mother's hooves... more so than usual, at least.
"Where are you in this picture?" Rarity asked.
"Oh, that's me there," Barrel said, pointing at a small, skinny stallion next to Fluttershy's mother. "I gained a bit of weight since then. Got myself into fighting shape!"
"Ponies always said I took more after my father than I did my mother," Fluttershy confessed.
She didn't look at the picture. Instead she just smiled at her friends cooing over the photograph quietly. Barrel's one remaining eye darted from her to the picture, and he cleared his throat (the resulting shifts in air currents probably clearing the skies at the same time). He turned towards the other ponies. "And what about you? Fluttershy hasn't written as much about her friends as I'd like."
Applejack coughed, attracting as much attention as she could from behind what might have been part of a haunch. "Well, I'm in charge of Sweet Apple Acres... we sell our apples far an' wide."
"Impressive! Take the market by storm!"
"And I," Rainbow began, flying up into the air, "am Rainbow Dash. I'm the fastest, bravest, coolest flyer in Equestria, and I have never lost a hoof-wrestling match."
Fluttershy's face fell. Rainbow frowned.
"What?"
"I should have warned you," Barrel began, "that I am the greatest hoof-wrestler of all time... and I never back down from a challenge."
Rainbow examined a forelimb that looked like it could split atoms between its gargantuan muscles. "No kidding."
"Since you are my little girl's friend, I'd be happy to make an exception..."
"Naw," Rainbow said, waving a hoof. "I know how important reputation is in Cloudsdale," she said. "AJ! Bring us a table!"
"I find boulders last longer."
Rainbow swallowed. "Um, okay. Rarity! Do you still have Tom kicking around?"
"He's out back," Rarity replied. "I gave it to Fluttershy so she could spruce up the animal enclosure."
"Then we settle this," Barrel said. "Do you wish to lose your right hoof, or your left?"
Laughter that would have made a god of thunder self concious rang across the countryside.
"Aw, boy. Tom didn't stand a chance."
"In fifteen years, I have not come close to defeat," Barrel roared with the kind of good-natured-ness only giants possessed. "I'm impressed."
"Well, I was a little intimidated when I realized I could fit my whole head in your hoof, not just my own."
"I am rather on the large side, that is true."
Applejack grunted. "I've never seen two ponies draw in a hoof-wrestle 'cause you broke what you were wrestlin' on," she said. "Y'think Fluttershy'll be sad you broke Tom?"
"Ah, he was only split down the middle."
"That's what I meant when I said 'broke'."
"Never mind that! I'll be inside," Barrel said. "Nice wrestling with you. I shall drink in your honour."
"Likewise, sir."
How Fluttershy's back door managed to let Barrel through remained a mystery nopony could ever solve. Applejack turned back to Rainbow. "Well, that weren't so bad," she said. "Right?"
Rainbow suddenly collapsed, her face twisting in pain. Applejack's eyes widened. "Rainbow!"
"It's nothing!" Rainbow assured her, nursing her foreleg. "It's just... I think it's broken."
"What?!"
"It's fine. I'll just fly home is all."
"How's you keep the wrestle match goin' then?!"
"...sheer force of will."
Applejack narrowed her eyes. "Really, sugar'?"
Rainbow shrugged, blinking tears of pain away. "I really hate losing."
The sun began to dip over the horizon. Twilight was sat outside, watching the day turn to night. She was alone: for some reason, Applejack and Rainbow had gone missing. She could hear Rarity and Pinkie have fun with Fluttershy inside as they prepared dinner.
The front door opened. Watching Barrel go from inside to outside was an experience she'd never forget.
"Evening," he said. "It's been a fine day."
"Yes," Twilight said. "It has."
Barrel sat down. He required no bench. In fact, he'd probably have broken it. "I'm worried I might have hurt the young lad— lass earlier. She was a tough one. I might have gone a bit overboard."
"Who, Rainbow?"
"Yes."
Twilight smiled. "If anything, she'd have enjoyed it. Rainbow is strange that way."
"On the contrary. Pegasi are a warrior race! We strive to surpass ourselves!"
Twilight raised her eyebrow. "Through self harm?"
"Well..."
"Fluttershy doesn't seem to think like that."
Barrel shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I taught her not to. It's..."
He went quiet.
"Mr. Barrel?"
"Sorry. I get carried away, sometimes."
Twilight widened her eyes. "What do you mean?"
"It's just that—... Hang on a sec... There," Barrel said, shaking his head as he seemed to... shrink. "It's just been a bit difficult these past fifteen years."
It was his voice, Twilight realized. It was the same volume, but something about it... changed. It felt smaller. Less invasive.
"Are you all right?"
"You mustn't tell Fluttershy," Barrel went on. "When her mother... moved on, I was a bit at a loss what to do. I was a very shy pony, back then," he explained. He sighed. "I vowed to make sure I could take care of her as best I could. I worked very hard to make her feel... safe." He chuckled. "I even went to the gym. Put on some actual muscle."
Twilight looked Barrel from hoof to withers. "Did it work?"
"A bit. Not as much as I'd have liked. But I wanted to be somepony who Fluttershy would think could keep her safe." He shrugged. "My old self couldn't have done that."
"I must be very worrisome for you to have her out of your sight so much," Twilight said.
"She's a brave filly. Far tougher than her old dad, at least," Barrel said. "Even if she can't quite lift a house."
"Well, that's asking a lot."
"I can lift two," Barrel pointed out. "One in each hoof."
"Have you ever met a pony named Bulk Biceps?"
"Should I have?"
"Never mind."
Once dinner was eaten, Barrel began to say his goodbyes. "Rarity, it was very nice meeting you," he said. "Likewise to you, Pinkie."
"It was delightful."
"Best reunion ever!"
With Fluttershy, he took his time. After a great deal of effort, he managed to bend over low enough to hug his little daughter. "Be sure to write. And give 'em monsters what for!"
"I'll write once a week," Fluttershy said with a smile.
"You know," Rarity whispered to Pinkie, "you don't think that Barrel's... voice... and Fluttershy's Stare aren't a little bit similar?" she asked. "In the sense that you can't not pay attention?"
"I'm sorry, I wasn't listening!"
"Perhaps I should learn how to use the Voice..."
"Twilight... do take good care of my daughter, will you?" he asked. Twilight nodded.
"Of course, sir."
"Excellent!" Barrel boomed. "And now, I must be off!"
"Wait!"
Rainbow hovered in the doorway, panting heavily. She held up her front leg, wrapped in a thick white cast, newly applied. "Sign my cast, please?"
"He was surprising," Twilight pointed out. Fluttershy snickered.
"Yes, but he is so sweet when you get to know him."
"That's what surprised me."
"He really only does it as an act, you know," Fluttershy said. "It makes him feel more secure."
"Yes," Twilight said, "but he also does it to make..."
"Yes?" Fluttershy asked. Twilight shut her mouth. She had promised not to tell, after all.
"Oh, nothing. I'm just glad you're on such good terms with your father."
"I am. Thank you. I love him so very much. I always know that if I get into trouble, he'd be there."
Far away, Cloudsdale sunk a few feet in the sky. Spitfire groaned.
"Looks like Mr. Barrelopheles is back in town," she said. "I guess I'll have to increase the city's lift again."
The End
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So her father could make Celestia look tiny?
Not bad, not bad at all.
How can he generate enough lift?
6295272
How does Snowflake/Bulk Biceps?
6295106 Cheers, mate.
6295272 Sheer force of obliviousness. He has so little idea of all the reasons he can't fly, they end up not applying to him.
Nooooooo! Tom! You were so young! ... And now I don't care. This was a well written story, and quite enjoyable. Good job.
That was hilarious! I nearly needed oxygen, I laughed so hard! And yet it was also very sweet there at the end.
This whole thing had a very Discworld feel to it. Nicely done.
6296026 Cheers, mate. I didn't actually intend for this to be funny, originally. Then beers happened, then I'm honestly not sure what happened.
I do really like the Discworld. I think I read all of them, except for Rising Steam.
6295559 Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.
Wow. Force of will does a heck of a lot more in Equestria than here!
6297233 I should hope so. How else do you explain Celestia living for 1000 years?
In my humble opinion, sheer willpower and a helluva lot of make-up.
As I read the first few paragraphs, I realised where it was probably going, recalled what Warren Hutch had done in Earth & Sky, and automatically read all of Barrel's lines in the voice of BRIAN BLESSED.
6297308 What's Earth and Sky?
That said, reading anything in the voice of Brian Blessed is always a good idea.
Unless it's a bedtime story. Those are supposed to be quiet.
6297346
Earth & Sky
One of the fandom's better offerings, in my opinion, well worth a read.
6297475 Huh. I may check it out if I have time. Thanks for the recommendation.
6297233
I don't know, pony; there's a reason it goes for $100+ for original Alliances printings.
6297506 Eh, that's just because it's rare. I've seen a lot of counters with lower mana cost that don't eat at your life and card advantage. Common ones too.
6297516
True but you can use those other counters (remember when counters cost just UU, by the way?) in conjunction with Force, thereby keeping mana advantage, or tapping out in order to draw out their fatties, as a feint.
In other words, while overpriced, the fact remains that it's rare because it's good, not the other way around.
I personally welcome the idea of Rarihkiin or Divahkiin. Please let that be an indication of a future fanfic.
6297722
The Lusty Unicornian Maid...
6297722 Ha. I wish. I'm not really a crossover guy.
I wouldn't mind seeing Rarity step it up as Dovahkiin, though. Fluttershy can't have all the fun.
6297918
I feel sad for you and your imagination then. Must be withering on the vine, the poor, unfed creature.
We need a sequel where Barrel has a wrestling/boxing/hoofwrestling/etc contest with Bulk Biceps.
This reminds me of this.
Man I read that story before I even joined Fimfic!
This was an awesome read. You deserve this feature, I say!
Rainbow's moments here were pretty awesome, too.
…Not quite so much as Mr. Barrelopheles, of course.
0-0
Well... I certainly expected some fics over the issue of Fluttershy actually having relatives, considering a few things I found on youtube here and there about her having a brother, but this certainly was an entertaining one.
... Empires in a beard, I wouldn't be surprised.
6297912
Ha!
I get it.
I give you 10 replicator cards out of 5 prestige cards (11/10)
Bravo.
6297976
Yeah, it's quite a bit harder to create your own universe than cross it over with someone else's. If anything, the fact he doesn't cross over makes him better overall. Remember this: because there are so many crossovers but very few successful ones, they are easy to write and hard to get right.
Since there are very few all-OC stories out there and EVEN FEWER that are successful, they're both hard to write and hard to get right.
6299656 Well, I don't exactly make my own universe. I just play around in My Little Pony's ball pool of a universe.
It's simply that I've rarely enjoyed crossovers. I never really liked the attitude of 'there isn't a crossover with this yet, so I'd better write it', which is present through a lot of the genre.
I have seen a few that were decent, though. I reviewed Stardust for the Goodfic Bin, and I enjoyed what I read. But I don't intend to get my feet wet in that arena for a while. And when I do, it'd be to show everyone else how it should be done.
6299684
It was more for the sake of comparison; I suppose I didn't make it entirely clear that I wasn't referring to you as someone who creates their own universes. I just hate when someone makes such a declaration such as that, whether it be trolling or absolutely serious. It's not funny, not at all.
But yeah, you do have a point about crossovers. In my experience, that is exactly how things generally go. That's why I said they're easy to write but hard to get right. That's why I've read only two crossovers that were worth a damn: Stardust and a Doctor Who crossover I can't remember off the top of my head.
A very cute and nice slice of life story. Well done!
6299701 Oh, don't you worry about my imagination. But thanks anyhow.
Well, that was fun! :3
Glad to see Brian Blessed is back in town.
I'm sat in the living room amongst my family while reading this, cooing and awwing at how sweet the story is, they give me an odd stare from time to time.
I finally read the last paragraph and I'm having to choke back laughter, I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up in an insane asylum with the looks I'm getting now.
6299988 Well, don't worry too much about that. The insane asylum isn't really that bad.
You get to go for walks twice a day and can write all the ponyfiction you want.
It just looks like that to non-pegasi, Twilight. From inside the culture it's much more subtle and complex.
that was nice :3
6295272
Kind of like a 747 Jumbo Jet or a bumblebee - sheer brute force.
Hell, this does not need to be a one-shot story. This needs to be a multi-chapter series of epic-ness.
6300399 I'll have to keep Barrelopheles in mind if I do more stories about Fluttershy and her family. I actually really enjoyed writing about him.
6300021 fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2014/017/2/8/fluttershy_and_bulk_biceps_by_dcencia-d72jfqh.png
Subtle and complex, indeed. Truly an intricate and fascinating culture.
Hahaaa, good one!
6299878
I was thinking along the same lines.
I was hoping for a dragon
6300500 I was just thinking "this version of Fluttershy would totally end up with Bulk Biceps, he has to remind her of her father."
6301561 Perhaps. I could certainly see it happen.
On the same note, she might not end up with Bulk Biceps: he reminds her too much of her father.
At this point, I'm split 50/50.
Not the first time I've seen this concept, but I do like what you've done with it, both the sheer ludicrousness of Barrel and the actual family resemblance underneath all the horseflesh. Nicely done, though I am a bit disappointed he didn't get to meet Discord. Still, a fun read.
6301594 There's only so much reality defying nonsense I can fit in one cottage. Although the real reason was I forgot about him. Whoops.
I'm sure he won't feel left out. He had a whole episode to learn about that.
I think it's important there is an actual family resemblance there. Otherwise it'd just be a story about a big pony sitting in a room. Big whoop.
6301586 Either way, I'd love to see Bulk spotting for Barrel.
6301800 Aw. I love those two.
10/10 best bromance.