A Courier, Stayed From His Appointed Rounds
First Class, the supervisor for the Ponyville hub of the Equestrian Mail Service, looked up as his missing mailpony staggered into the room. "Parcel! Where have you..." He trailed off in disbelief.
Parcel Post, the dedicated and serious mailpony that Class had always been able to assign his toughest jobs to, had apparently had an extreme makeover. Instead of his mail services uniform, he was wearing a suspiciously royal-looking tiara with a diaphanous iridescent veil trailing down the sides of his head. He had numerous glittering earrings in each ear. His face was exposed, revealing eye makeup, lipstick, mascara, and white foundation makeup pancaked all over what ought to have been his gray coat, except it wasn't gray anymore. His coat had been dyed a light shade of purple, with a veritable cutie pox's worth of hearts, flowers and rainbow symbols plastered all over his body. His curly mane had been dyed at least seventeen different colors, each one tied with a sparkly ribbon or mane clip, and each of those were in a different color that matched neither each other nor the hair it was tying. His tail had obvious extensions, had been straightened, and was dragging on the ground, and had been dyed to look like peacock feathers. He was wearing sparkling gem-covered horseshoes that were uneven in shape, higher in the back than the front, forcing him to prance with careful, mincing steps.
He staggered to his stunned supervisor's desk and collapsed halfway onto it, propping his forelegs across the desk. "Help me," he pleaded weakly. "Please."
First Class sprang into action. "What's wrong, man? Do you need a hospital? A stylist? A stiff drink?"
"I'll take the last one," Parcel moaned. "But please help me get this stuff off..."
As the two stallions worked together to remove the jewelry, horseshoes and veil, Parcel told First Class of his ordeal. "It was horrible," he panted. "I went to deliver a ticket to the Lord of Chaos. At first it was going reasonably well, aside from the fact that I got lost and it was taking me several days to even find the house... had to escape some flying badgers, a rolling stone that was gathering moss, and a swarm of paper clips--"
"A swarm of paper clips?"
"Yeah. They were on the ground, like ants, but when I accidentally stepped on their paper clip hill, they swarmed all over me and started pinching me. I had to jump in a lake of warm, flat lemon-lime soda to escape." He shuddered violently. "But then I finally found the resident to deliver the mail, and he was mad I was late, so he tossed me into some kind of floating space with no gravity. Then I got captured by this -- this, I don't even know what it was, this monster with more teeth than I've ever seen. I thought I was a goner, boss."
"How did you get away?"
"I didn't." Parcel took a swig of the apple cider his boss had given him. "Turned out it was a mom looking for a present for its foals. It brought me back to its nest and gave me to its young... a pack of female hatchlings who all started cooing over me and saying 'oh, look, a pony, look how cute she is', and I kept trying to tell them I was a stallion, and also, not a pet, but they didn't care." He shivered again as First Class helped him remove the mane clips and ties. "They told me they'd make me the most bee-you-tiful pony princess ever. That's how they pronounced it. Bee-you-tiful. And I told them I wasn't a princess, or even a prince, I was just a stallion who carries the mail, but they didn't care. They... they dyed me, and covered me with, with, permanent stickers--" He pulled at one of the cutie-mark-like symbols on his body, demonstrating that it would not pull off. "And put makeup all over me, and pierced my ears, and i can't even tell you how many times they washed and brushed my mane..."
"Dear Celestia, that sounds horrible."
"If it hadn't been for this horrible green blob that the little critters called Uncle Smooze showing up to play with the kids, I'd have been a goner. As it was, they didn't want me to get any of the creature's ooze on my bee-you-tiful dress, so I managed to escape. I got rid of the dress in the forest of Pocky Sticks, and I managed to get rid of the crown--"
"There was a crown?" First Class gasped.
"I know, who wears a tiara and a crown? So I managed to get a giant bee to take the crown off me -- he was saying that if he brought it to the princess she was sure to accept him as one of the drones allowed to go on her coronation flight with her, and then he'd be a Prince Consort to the queen of a new hive. I tried to get him to take the tiara off too, but he said that the princess couldn't wear both a tiara and a crown, and I had to admit he had a point."
"Why couldn't you get any of these things off yourself, though?"
Parcel Post pointed at the horseshoes, which were now on the floor near the wall, having been flung there with great force. "Those things. They had them strapped so tight I couldn't kick them off -- I was lucky at that, they were talking about using nails to fasten them on, but then one of them hit her flipper with the hammer and started crying so they all decided not to play with their mom's hammer -- and with them on I couldn't use my hooves to grab anything at all." He shuddered again. "As it was I barely got away from the gnots--"
"Knots?"
"They tie them. Lots of them."
"Who does?"
"The gnots. With a g. They're flying insects that tie knots in your everything, that's why they're gnots. They managed to knot up some of my mane even worse than the little monster fillies did, but I found a bunch of birbs--"
"Birds?"
"No, birbs. They're... you know what, I cannot even describe the difference between birds and birbs. Birbs are just crazy. They ate the gnots and drove them off. They got pretty tangled in my tailfeathers--"
"Tailfeathers?"
"Yeah, after they dyed my tail to look like a peacock, the girls added peacock feather extensions on top of the tail extensions they'd already given me to give me the most bee-you-tiful tail, but the birbs all wanted to look like peacocks so they ripped out the tailfeathers, and after that I made a lot better time. I'd have gotten out a day earlier if it weren't for my run-in with the binjas--"
"The binjas."
"Yeah, they're storage containers trained in deadly martial arts. But then Discord caught up with them because apparently he put his cane for the Gala in one of them and he didn't want to make a new one, and while he was immobilizing and searching through the binjas, he asked why I was still here. So I started to tell him the story, and he said he didn't care and I was boring him, and teleported me to Cloudsdale."
"But you're an earth pony."
"I know, so I had to get somepony to give me a ride here. Fortunately Derpy was visiting her mom, so she offered to give me a ride, but, well..."
"She dropped you?"
"Four times. Also ran me into a tree. After that I was down on the ground so I said I'd just make my way in from there on my own."
"But you didn't ask her to help you get the horseshoes off?"
"Would you ask Derpy to help you pull anything off any part of your body?"
"...Good point."
By now they had gotten the extra accoutrements and most of the makeup off Parcel, though nothing could be done about the mane dye or the cutie stickers yet. "Boss, I have to tell you... I have been working this job 27 years, and I love being a mailpony, but if I have to deliver one more thing to Discord's house, I'm gonna resign. I know we're not supposed to discriminate against anyone because of where they live, but I can't handle trying to make my way through his pocket dimension again, I just can't."
First Class opened a drawer and flipped through it. "Diamond, Dinky, Dipper... right, here it is. Discord, Lord of Chaos. Says here in the file that all mail for him should be delivered care of Fluttershy at 37 Woodsbound Lane, and she'll get it to him. Apparently she's got a direct magical transfer system."
Parcel's eye twitched. "And no one told me this before?!"
"Well, you could have checked the file," First Class said.
Parcel grabbed the jug of apple cider. "Boss, I am taking this, and I am going home, before I do something that both of us will regret."
"Go on. I'll note on your timesheet that you're getting hazard pay for this."
As Parcel left, carrying the jug in a spare saddlebag First Class gave him, he was heard to say, "They don't make enough hazard pay to make this worth it..."
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heh...great fic...
Still not as bad as Mrs. Cake.
Hilarious through and through. (Though I get the feeling that Derpy would've made a direct delivery somewhat more easily, if only because half of the denizens of Discord's domain would avoid her out of either fear or respect. Of course, I'm horribly biased in that regard.) Thank you for this.
5992293
My original plan was to have the job given to Derpy after Parcel refused... but then I realized that Fluttershy's letters have been getting through easily, so the obvious solution is to send Discord's mail to Fluttershy. Though if a package too large for Fluttershy to transmit it comes through for Discord, I think they will definitely ask Derpy to take it next time. :-)
Am I a bad person for finding his torment hilarious
Also update at least one of your story (preferably Oppositions) before writing a one shot for the episode (also him flinching from pinkie gives a lot of credence to your abuse discord headcannon)
5992293 Also big green things with teeth. Is Discord green enough to count?
Wiki says he's named in merchandise. In the card game, specifically.
Also, I want to see Parcel Post and Stanley (from Going Postal) in a room together. The stamp geekery shall last forever!
needs more glom of nit
5992293
You know, I think we have every right being biased in such a way. After filching through ancient tomes of forbidden knowledge, interviewing residents of Dunwich, referencing several unsettling diagrams and considering that a cutie mark is supposed to show what you are best at doing, I have recently concluded that Derpy is the pony equivalent of Lavinia Whateley.
I am since scared of her and even more scared about the prospect of Dinky being her daughter.
In other words, I agree that Derpy would be perfectly qualified in navigation the haphazard geometry of DIscord's domain and deliver him his mail.
The real question here is: How do Ponies get into Discord's pocket dimension in the first place? Is there some sort of portal near Ponyville or something? I hope it doesn't spew out a constant stream of chaotic creatures.
5992506
Shhh. Don't give Discord ideas...
5992506
Most likely it used to, then Fluttershy found some of the poor things wandering around confused and insisted to Discord that he barricade his portals so his creations can't get out, because a world of stability and order confuses and upsets them badly, and frequently they have specialized diets that can't be satisfied in Ponyville, such as the dog-like critters with fans for faces that only eat green jelly beans off of jelly vines. (Pinkie might be able to come up with enough green jellybeans to feed one, but they run in packs.) So now if you don't have the quantum signature of an Equestrian denizen, you can't get out. (Which strongly suggests that a random human ending up in Equestria who went through the portal wouldn't be able to get back out again, either, but no, I'm not going to cross the streams and have Discord defeat Anon from Not the Hero that way. :-))
As soon as i saw that scene in the show, i was thinking 'oh, so that's what Equestria's version of the continuum looks like, instead of the two versions from Voyager (the desert highway and the civil war re-enactment).
Is that space going to show up in the Discord-is-Q fic series? I'd love to see how you spin this.
There is so much potential for fanfics now since we know that Discord can travel to another dimensions.
Also i bet Flutershy must have visited his pocket dimension at least once to see the creatures there.
5992709
I just drew that!
5992694
I don't know what I'm gonna do there; it's totally consistent with what I've previously established in my Q fics of Q having his own pocket dimension residence in the Continuum, but Discord's behavior is so childish in this episode, I find it hard to imagine Q being genuinely this clueless. I mean, the outrageous jealousy is totally in character but the sudden revelation of "Wow, I can have more than one friend? That's a thing?" is kind of absurdly immature. I'll have to think about how I would fit that into a framework of him being Q.
5992716 It could be Q in your one shot that discord is child Q (the one you wrote about in your blog)
As soon as I saw the word "birbs", I knew this was going in my favorites.
Poor ol Parcel can't catch a break, can he?
Binjas.
Binjas!
BINJAS!
I stopped reading just to comment right now. Binjas. You, alara, win life. You win life, the universe, and everything. Binjas. How the hell do you come up with this stuff?
The binjas were brilliant. Props to your British friend for coming up with that. This was really fun and ridiculous to read. XD Well done!
As soon as that episode was over, I remember thinking "I can't wait to see what alararogers makes of this." The fact that Parcel Post didn't resign on the spot is really impressive, I can see what kind of dedication the EPS is made off! I kind of assumed his name was Love Letter, since he has a heart in the middle of his letter cutie mark, but you can't argue with a transcript. I think Post should just be glad he never met the puppet, I suspect that puppet is a lot more terrifying than anything in Discord's
Playhousedemiplane.5992716 Besides the incredibly obvious ship-baiting, I think another reason Discord was bothered is his age. There seems to be numerous references to this. Discord puts on an old-timey outfit when he storms out of Fluttershy's cottage. "No biggie, as the foals say." "So much funnier than unfunny old Discord!" "I'm centuries old!" I think that's partly to ironically make Discord the square 50s throwback who doesn't understand Fluttershy's cool new stoner friend, but the fear that he is way too old to relate to a mortal, who would prefer other mortals, is definitely something that could throw Discord off, or even Q (the first time around, assuming Q in Equestria is set before Star Trek).
The scenes where Discord goes around to most of the Mane 6 and tries to cadge an invitation off them actually reminded me of some of the earlier chapters of Not the Hero, with D desperately trying to get the girls on his side, and becoming increasingly frustrated as he can't.
Thank you for dedicating this story to the mail pony that 'tragically' got snatched by the flying fish. I called it a flying fish because it kinda looked like one.
Poor Parcel Post
If you loose 6 words, you will have the registry-number of the USS Enterprise NCC 1701.
What, nothing about Mrs. Cake?
Great little short!
What I thought when I saw the poor bastard manage to deliver the ticket to discord was "now that is a bloody hero. Above and beyond the call of duty."
5992747
The entire Last Draconequus series is consistent with Discord being Q as a child; this is why I was so vague about what happened to the draconequui. They tried to perform a ritual to ascend themselves to godhood, they disappeared, and two thousand years later no one has heard from them. Maybe in ten thousand years after they finish building a Continuum and figure out how to get back to the universe they left behind, Discord's mom will come back for him and recruit him. :-) But that doesn't really count. I'm talking about how I would handle this episode within "Next of Kin to Chaos", the series I have where Discord is Q and both MLP and TNG are happening more or less at the same time.
For all mail for Mrs Cake, please hand to Pinkie Pie at the nearest cardboard box.
Maybe theres a backstory there concerning Mr Cake is an Earth pony, and the postal service are pegasi.
In the title
Shouldn't stayed be strayed
Here is an apology picture
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/5/17/898301__safe_solo_portal_spoiler-colon-s05e07_make+new+friends+but+keep+discord_artist-colon-heir-dash-of-dash-rick_pirates+of+the+caribbean_post+haste.png
If you were going to reference China Miéville you should have had a World Weaver wandering around in there. That would have been awesome.
5994877
No. The postal motto is "Neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night, shall stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." So the courier is stayed from his rounds, meaning that he's prevented from completing them, because that's a callback to the postal motto. "Strayed" has an implication of deliberately getting lost, "stayed" has the implication that someone or something else prevented you from moving forward.
Birbs are birds that berb in the burbs.
And Garbodor is best binja:
img.pokemondb.net/artwork/garbodor.jpg
5994874
Where are all the references to Mrs. Cake coming from? I just rewatched both the scene in Sugarcube Corner and the scene in Discord's dimension, and Mrs. Cake isn't in either one.
5994921 thank you for the clarification
here is an apology picture
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/5/17/898301__safe_solo_portal_spoiler-colon-s05e07_make+new+friends+but+keep+discord_artist-colon-heir-dash-of-dash-rick_pirates+of+the+caribbean_post+haste.png
Very entertaining
Poor Parcel
The two most sh*ttiest jobs in Equestria: train conductor and mail-pony!
Well done, mate! This was enjoyable!
Stay not snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night; thou art balance, thou bringest life to Equestria. The “charge” of the Weather Service, given by Luna just after the establishment of government and the first defeat of Discord, prior to the modern nightly Lunar cycle. It’s now commonly attributed to an anonymous early weather scholar, since knowledge of the true origins was repressed during the Long Night.
The Royal Mail Service’s motto is “Through our comrades’ weather, we bring the mail.” The two Pegasi institutions do not get along with each other. In fact, the RMS sided with Luna, while the Weather Service sided with Celestia during the power struggles of the Late Premodern Era.
/headcannon
YES! My wish has come true! Someone made a tribute to the heroism of Equestrian Postal Service!
Very entertaining! I was actually kind of wondering what happened to Parcel after that scene...
5994972 Have you ever read Terry Pratchett's Going Postal?
Beware Discord's Pocket Dimension, or at least bring some Juice with you!
Sir Crabington Seal of Approval!
Poor Parcel...
Loved this fun little story!
It's just occurred to me that Parcel Post is the same pony who delivered Applejack's letter in "The Last Roundup." You know, the one who was surprised that everyone knew it was his birthday, and was then promptly kicked out of the party?
This dude just can't catch a break.
I like this! I like it a lot
lols
~Melody~
5996608
Well, Twilight was a jerk there, but Pinkie gave him some cake, so that time wasn't too bad.
Mail delivery day is a very dangerous day.
Free cookies to whoever gets that reference.
Should have used UPS.
Am I the only one who thinks that Mail Pony looks a little like Cheese Sandwich?
5997874
Similar mane. Most stallions are drawn off the same basic model so the facial similarities don't mean much.
But you know, maybe Parcel handled Discord's chaos dimension as well as he did because he has a party pony relative, so he's used to chaos... :-)
Not terrible, but I feel like the comedy fell in between too little and too much, and it just felt a little off.
Gotta wonder...since Fluttershy and Discord write each other letters, how many mail ponies have been lost to that chaos dimension?
Fun little shot. I wanted to see more of that mailpony, because he seemed remarkably unfazed by the chaos in the episode, all things considered.
5992381 Isn't it good enough that he had green flames in the episode and was completely green in the Tatzlwurm episode?