- Member Since 9th Mar, 2015
- offline last seen May 16th, 2023
HavokAfterDark
I'm just like everyone else... except for the part where I'm completely different from everyone else... and that's okay.
HavokAfterDark
Joined 9th Mar, 2015 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- HavokAfterDark · 23k words · 349 15 · 10k views
- Lesbian Adagio Dazzle · 2.6k words · 90 8 · 4.2k views
- MegatronsPen · 7.5k words · 168 8 · 4.8k views
- The Forgotten Siren · 22k words · 54 7 · 2k views
- MegatronsPen · 9.5k words · 418 25 · 12k views
- RoboCheatsyVA TM · 22k words · 42 6 · 1.6k views
- jidbrony · 13k words · 64 4 · 4.1k views
Featured In12
Clopfics11,559 stories ·15,817 members
High-Quality Mature Fiction597 stories ·3,082 members
Equestria After Dark511 stories ·2,100 members
Equestria Girls Fics12,134 stories ·3,767 members
Writer's Group After Dark2,628 stories ·749 members
Cryosite2,675 stories ·252 members
Equestria Girls Clopfics901 stories ·425 members
Stories on Goodreads28,599 stories ·492 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.162 seconds
Total duration
987 users online
2,021,241 hits today, 2,707,512 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
i.ytimg.com/vi/XuZ2AcIIOoU/hqdefault.jpg
What can I say? These two are my favorite characters in the movie.
Well done my friend.
5717549 Considering it said "two green hands", I'd have to say XV.
5717562 that movie sucked balls
Thanks for writing this story. I see it's your first one. Congrats on putting down your words. They're good words, too. I actually knew what sexomnia was before I started reading, which is also probably why I started reading.
So I dug the concept of the story, and the execution too. You seem to have a pretty decent amount of first act 'teasing' of having characters getting innocently undressed, and I especially enjoyed the depiction of platonic affection. Not everyone will go mad with lust the moment they cuddle someone attractive, and it was nice to see that depicted. It's also quality fetish material for someone to be doing something innocent and having it suddenly turn all naughty. So thumbs up!
There were also some bits I didn't like. Take it for what you will, maybe it's just a preference of mine, but I think most clop writers need to 'slow down' their sex scenes. Just like violence and fear and loss and other strong emotions, the mind will race in situations like that. Little details are noticed that would not otherwise be noticed. And also the reader's interest is the most piqued at this point. So basically you should write more at those parts. Not only is it more realistic, but it's also what the reader wants. Every little detail, preferably. The feeling of warm breath. The tiny quivers. The sound of a thick swallow or a tense exhale. Fingers entwining into hair. The feeling of the headboard against your head. The way the sheets wrinkle, and grow moist from sweat. ... You know, all that stuff.
Here's a perfect example of what I mean:
Sonata came? The story seems to be told from Sunset's point of view, and yet there's no explanation here about what exactly is meant by "Sunset had also came" How does she know that Sonata just orgasmed? What exactly does that look like? I wish I would have been given a description, rather than just being told that it happened. Did she make a sound? Does she exhale, or inhale, or get stiff, or twitch, or what? How does Sunset feel when she realizes Sonata just came? Does she even recognize it? Maybe she has to ask to be sure? There are all kinds of details that could have just happened but got summed up into one sentence.
Maybe I'm unusual. Maybe people prefer to use their own imagination about what happened. I'd be interested in hearing if you or anyone disagrees with my advice here.
Also, I feel a bit disappointed in general with how the story went, since I already knew what Sexomnia was. I was very much looking forward to the way the characters reacted to the condition. You did an amazing job of hyping it up. You had the other Dazzlings call up and give ominous warnings, and I was starting to get good and tense with anticipation. Will it be "What the hell is going on? I don't understand? Why didn't she tell me she felt this way about me? I'm scared and I don't know what to do!" and later "I was asleep, I swear! It wasn't on purpose!" Or will it perhaps instead be that after some thinking on it, she theorizes that Sonata is asleep, but how would she find out? Dare she try and wake her up? Dare she ask if she's doing that on purpose? No matter how the situation unfolded, I was pumped to see how it would go down, but I must say I managed to be disappointed. Sunset Shimmer seemed to psychically realize what's going on, without any advance clues or warning signs, and then her reaction was a really dull "Whatever I'll just go with it. I guess I'm horny too maybe I should schlick myself. Yeah hot." It felt almost as though I was reading Maud Pie.
Which isn't so bad. I mean, I'm all for thin excuses for sex, but the part that really got me was all the missed opportunity for some kind of 'unfolding' of the situation.
Come to think of it, that might be an even better example of the 'significant events should go slower' advice. That seemed like the first explosion of truly interesting storytelling was supposed to happen at that moment, and it just kinda skipped straight to the point where all the characters have accepted it.
Also the way it was done seems to have created a bit of a Checkhov's Gun. If all she does is grind you a little, why were the other Dazzlings so aggressive with their warning? The story seemed to promise that Sunset was going to get a terrible shock, and then, despite how reasonable their warning was, that shock was never actually delivered to the reader. The reader just saw Sunset being more than okay with the situation. It's like a check that never got cashed. A big check that could have been really sexy and cute.
But yeah, aside from that some little quibbles about grammar and language (like you don't sleep in the floor. Mice sleep in the floor. Humans sleep on the floor) I thought it was very well done.
I hope I'm not being too negative. Honestly I'm a terrible writer and the fact that I'm giving this advice is probably a great reason not to do it, but I thought this story was worth writing up my two cents for. The main takeaway here should be that I really like it and everyone else seems to really like it too so thanks for sharing.
Oh, another thing I thought of (I have a habit of editing my posts after I put them up so bear with me
) Sonata is dopey. We all know that; it's her character, but there seems to be a contradiction in this story. On the one hand, she doesn't at all realize that it's dangerous for her to sleep next to someone, and that person should be warned. That's fine. That's great. That's just how Sonata is. But on the other hand, the moment it happens... she apologizes and offers to leave the bed? I was really looking forward to dopey Sonata not knowing it's wrong to get her pussy juices all over her friends :p That would have been fun! How would Sunset react to that? But she takes a 180 degree turn into 'normal girl' land, which is something I would have had nothing against if that's the way the character was portrayed from the beginning of the story.
Helluva lot better than my first try at clop. Nice work, I look forward to seeing more
First clop eh? Really nice. My first clop is written in first person and is only solo masturbation, so I can't really say if it was better than mine or not, considering that is a completely different style. I'd like to say yours was better written though.
Wow I'm gone for a single day and this already has four hundred views? You guys are all awesome.
5718825 As far as your comment is concerned while I truly appreciate the praise and constructive criticism both, I must say... you give me way too much credit. This is actually far from my first story, it's just a separate account. It was completely unedited and almost everything you pointed out my editor would have noticed if I had actually had her look through it... Truth be told, I didn't expect such a huge turnout in just the first day and so I didn't worry about it. However, I will definitely remember everything you said and pay close attention to those things in my future works.
One thing I will say I had to disagree with you on is this- In my experience when you're in the middle of those extreme emotions (for me anyways) you don't notice more. I think you are so caught up in the experience that you really tune out things. I could be completely wrong however and even if Sunset herself wouldn't have noticed these things the reader would probably want me to point them out anyways.
Thank you all very much and I really appreciate all of the feedback and I can promise you I'll do much better next time.
5720521
Yeah I suppose it depends on the person, then, but I hear people describe intense situations as though they're in slow motion, and that's my experience, too.
I suppose it doesn't matter.
The important bit is I wish there was more to read during those bits of the story. I intend that as a compliment.
5720787 Well thank you. I really do appreciate your comments and I hope you know that I will try much harder on the next one. I thank you for your support and hope you enjoy my future stories even more.
if this is the first time you've written clop, I am amazed
5725432 why thank you.
You have no idea how nervous I was about it. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
5725659 No problem! It was masterfully written, and still funny
Sequel Sequel SEQUEL!
please
Sexy Sonata is best Sonata
Great story...
Even if the cloppyness would be toned down or be removed entirely, it would still be a romantic and enjoyable story... And that is the best kind of clop imo.
5807236 Thank you very much. That's kinda how I wanted it to turn out.
5809456 Okay, guess I'll have to keep an eye on you *taps the watch button*, since good clop writers are hard to find.
Why am I reading this...more importantly...why am I enjoying this?
Like you said, "I regret nothing!
"
static2.fjcdn.com/comments/Even+though+i+ve+been+thumbed+to+the+depths+of+hell+_60d3b7fb293fe9211ce6c554c6bd6f29.jpg 5813274
Well holy poops, this was amazing!
It is good....
I like this story, for two reasons.
The first is that it's quite enjoyable. Short and sweet, just how I tend to like them.
The second is that it can help spread the awareness of what sexsomnia is, or at least encourage people to research it. There have been many cases of late involving sexsomnia, and the more aware people are, the more it can help people, both those who have it and those who have or might encounter it. I myself suffer from a very minor case of it; i've never done anything TOO sexual, but I do French kiss in my sleep, typically with my pillow. I luckily haven't been in a situation like this, where i've unintentionally made out with someone in my sleep (or worse, heaven forbid), and i'm certainly not looking forward to that day. At least if the other person knew what sexsomnia was, though, they might be less likely to think i'm some crazy pervert.
I'll be thumbing up and favoriting.
5956123 Well I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
aw this was cute. may we get more of this ship at some point?
This was f*cking adorable, or adorable f*cking, I can't tell which. Well done!
5988334 Why thank you. If you really enjoyed the ship, this one is a really good Sunata fic. Not one of mine, but dude definitely earned a promotion from me.
5988991 I really appreciate it. I was definitely hoping it'd end up like that.
I like the idea of sonata being good at the game :)
6069018 Thank you.
Now everyone that reads my fics loses the game. (Yes I still do that, don't judge me.) 
Well...that happened. Considering the premise and that it was the first time writing this sort of thing, it could have been much worse.
I fucking died.
This is pretty good! :D
Sequel?
Where the fuck is the sequel where Ari and Dagi show up or Rainbow gets pissed that Sunny has a siren in her house? They’re cliches, but no matter how many times they’re used, they’re done right, dammit!