War of Shadows
I quickly flew away from the destruction of the planet below. Taking a deep breath, I sit back down in the seat of my ship, glad that the whole ordeal is over. “Freakin’ Space Pirates, always having a self-destructing base.” But before I could relax for very long, I felt a presence behind me. Quickly getting up out of my seat, I spun around, and pointed my arm cannon at the person in my ship. “Who are you, and how did you get here?”
But instead of a person, a see-through sphere the size of a ponies head. What seemed to be a floating Lightsaber and Scythe sparked with lighting. A male voice spoke out:
“Hello! You have been selected to join the War of Shadows! My name is Time Spinner, and two fellow human/Displaced are having at it. Crush the orb, and one or more of my assistants will explain everything you ask.”
“Oh, a Displaced thing.” I sigh, putting down my arm cannon, before reaching over, and crushing the orb. It wasn’t hard and felt like air.
Two glowing red pony forms appeared. The red faded, and two ponies stood there. The first looked like Rainbow Dash, but with a more greyish coat, and mane. She had two black metal rods instead of ears. Her cutie mark was a grey, green, and black version of the original lightning bolt and cloud. Her wings seemed darker and metallic too. The other looked like Pinkie Pie, but more reddish, and a straight mane, and faded blue eyes. Her cutie mark was three cupcakes, one a dark tan, the other two were red.
The Rainbow Dash look alike stepped forward, smiling. “What’s up?” Her voice was static-like.
“Nothing much. Just blowing up planets that have a race of alien pirates on them.” Sam replied, putting some snarkiness in his voice.
The Pinkie Pie look-alike growled. “Be nicer. I eat rude people.” This one sounded like she was trying to sound high pitched and female and it was almost horrible.
“Shush! We’re trying to get recruits here!” The Rainbow Dash one scolded.
“Recruits for what exactly?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
The Rainbow Dash one placed a hoof to her chest. “First, let’s get introductions outta the way! I’m Rainbine, second in command of the Elements of Insanity. This here is Pinkis Cupcake… She eats people…” Rainbine trailed off as she saw Pinkis nibbling on a piece of meat. A gun popped out of Rainbine’s hoof and she shot it into oblivion. “And you?”
“Samuel Aran. Expert bounty hunter.” Sam replied, resisting the urge to eat the meat that ‘Pinkis’ was eating.
“Anyway. Like the Mega Token says, you’re invited, or eligible, to join the War of Shadows. Basically, two Displaced are in a MASSIVE rivalry. Lee Connors, and Darth Folteren. Lee and Folteren are fighting over who has control over the firsts world. Lee is displaced as Venom and is an Anti-villain, and Folteren is displaced as Revan. Whichever side you join, you’ll be getting a reward. Folteren’s is better though.” Rainbine said.
Pinkis Cupcake smirked. “Either side you choose, you’ll come out a winner. If you fail at helping Lee, then you’ll be sent home with the good guys reward for helping. If you fail helping Folteren, it’s the same, but better reward. You will be unable to die, and it isn’t for a while. Either way, you either help, or harm.”
“What are both of their goals?” I asked. “I mean, does one of them want to destroy all life on the other’s world?”
“Folteren wants to take over because Lee blew up his castle. And Lee’s trying to protect his world.” Rainbine explained.
“And the reward if awesome! Folteren is offering an Insanity Gem, and Lee’s offering a Sanity Gem. Both increase abilities a gives extra powers.” Pinkis listed.
I thought about it for a minute, considering in both points of view. ‘I have had a lot of insanity to deal with. Might be a good idea to go with Lee.’ Nodding my head, I answered. “I’ll go with Lee.”
“Great! We have a lot of good guys!” Pinkis said with sarcasm. Rainbine slapped her on the head.
“Ok. Samuel Aran. Welcome to the Alliance of Heroines.” Rainbine announced. “If you need any information, here is my time token.”
Rainbine gave me a green and black version of the Element of Loyalty.
“But before we go. Need anymore information?” Pinkis Cupcake asked.
“Yeah, why is it called the ‘Alliance of Heroines’? That means that it’s an alliance of only female heroes.” I asked, curious about it.
Rainbine froze. “Whoops… Darn, I messed that up. How do you say it?”
“The word for multiple heroes? It’s just heroes. That can imply both male and female members, along with those without a gender, or those of another gender.” I answered.
“Rarifruit told me it was Heroines… Crap! Thanks, I’d have been going around making myself look like a dork! Anything else?”
“Yeah, one last question. What time will I be needed, and how long will I be gone from my universe?” I asked, because I needed to make sure it wouldn’t interfere with a mission.
“It won't be for a while. Heck, it hasn’t even happened yet. We’ll call you a bit before it starts. As for how long? Depends on how many Displaced we can get. I think you’re the fifth. But, time is messed up when you are a time traveler. But they do exist, and it’ll start soon.” Rainbine replied.
“So… I guess that’s all. Do I need to say the special phrase? Or can you take care of that?” I said, trying to not be offensive. “Wait a second. I have a group of displaced friends that might want to help on the sidelines. They have some orbs that can grant about any wish, so they could revive any one who dies.”
Rainbine shrugged. “That’d be great! Well be on the sidelines. Well, if you come by anyone who wants to help in this, give ‘em this.” She hoofed me an orb like the one I crushed.
“You can’t break this one. Give it to them and explain to them this. Tell them to think of what side they want to be on, and poof!” Pinkis shrugged.
“Okay. I will. So… goodbye?” I said, wanting to finally be able to relax after my previous mission.
“Sure. Later!” Rainbine said as she and Pinkis started glowing red. They disappeared, leaving little trace.
I sighed, before finally sitting back down in my chair, and deactivating my helmet. “Guess I got my work cut out for me.” I turned around in my seat, and started plugging in coordinates to take me to the universe the Ginyu Force is from, so I could tell them.
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6090419 Well, I kinda believe when chrysalis transformed into the power suit, it was a weaker version, and wasn't made of metal and stuff, but skin and chitin, so sam could have easily ripped it off.
6090512 I wasn't even thinking about the armour, I was thinking of a flesh and blood target. Unless the shoulder is immobilized, Sam would have a difficult time actually tearing the arm off.
6091749 Oh... I think I forgot about that part.
6091769 well, I think he just removed the chitin that was the arm cannon. not the physical arm.
6251563 yep, completely right. There was no way I could write a story as great as any of the metroid games.
Also, no idea who exactly you're talking to. Why would a simple human like myself be compared to Samus Aran?
Quick question i know this is over but you could still invite people to come to cross overs or be called to be a helper in other worlds
6408927 yeah, this was kinda my first displaced story, so I never planned to have crossovers when I wrote the outline. I plan to make a sequel (gotta figure out what it would be mostly about), and I big idea I have for it is to crossover more.
6409082
OK maybe incorporate some of the possible next gen ponies?
6479611
Not really. That would require significant effort. If it were just one or two things, sure, but there's seriously a lot wrong with this story. Fixing it would require a complete rewrite. It's just not worth it.
I'm also assuming based on the level of effort put into the story that the author just doesn't care all that much about quality. And why would I go to the effort if that's the case?
If he were to directly state otherwise and/or ask me himself to go into more detail I might reconsider, but I would be shocked if it happens.
6479902 fine then, be shocked. Tell me, what do you recommend I change in my story? Also, I do care about quality, I made a mistake rushing this story out before realizing that I needed to make an outline or something to follow. Plus half way through the story, I didn't know where to go with it.
So please, tell me what you think is wrong with the entire story? (don't get me wrong, I like criticism, but only the ones that help me grow as an author).
Also, what makes you think I'm a 'he?' I mean, you're right, I'm a guy, but you should at least be careful with 'he's and 'she's, as you might offend someone.
6499577
First off, if someone is offended by being called a dude on the internet, that person needs to check their priorities. Second, your avatar is a dude. What was I supposed to think?
Ahhh shit... Fine, I'll go back and reread some of this and try to put into words what's bad about it.
He suspects he's in a different universe because he can feel the magic in the air? Sure, I can see feeling some kind of magic, but he's not just going to know it's magic. Him coming to the twin conclusions of 'magic' and 'alternate universe' based on a feeling he has no way to process is completely unbelievable. It's patently obvious that the only reason he suspects these things is because you wanted him to.
Naming him 'Samuel Aran' was cute. It was not clever, nor particularly believable.
The first, short fight scene starts when Rainbow and Applejack burst in and immediately attack. I can't see them doing this unless Spike lied and told them there was a creature actively attacking Twilight. It feels like they're acting out of character, or Spike lied for no reason. In either case it feels forced, like you decided to give your character an excuse to be a badass without really thinking too hard about the circumstances.
In this aforementioned fight scene with Rainbow and Applejack, the latter does a complete 180 from hostile and attacking/terrified to calmly introducing herself. This is extremely jarring. You don't come out of fight-or-flight like that, especially if she thought she was going to die. She'd be shaking from the adrenaline.
He has no reason to think magic is real up until this point, yet once again he immediately draws the correct conclusion without any real knowledge of the situation. Incidentally, he should realistically be going into shock over the whole thrust-into-another-universe thing, awesome power suit or no. He should be panicking.
Why? Why the hell should she say she's sorry? Why would Twilight ask that? For whatever reason (Spike?) she obviously thought her friend was in danger. While an apology might be in order once she's had the situation explained to her, it's still up to her to issue it. Twilight is treating her like a goddamn child here, and it kind of pisses me off, because she should know better.
Would he have forgiven her if he hadn't been wearing the armor? Trick question, he'd have most likely had a crushed rib cage.
A more sensible response would be some variation of "no harm no foul."
Twilight's response there feels like a transparent attribution of virtue to the character, and not like something that is appropriate for the scenario or Twilight herself. It would make more sense were she to say something like "So... you're not mad my friends just attacked you?"
The entire exchange of apologies etc. in this scene is just really awkward and doesn't work well. It ought to be completely rewritten.
And that's all I can make myself do for the moment.
6502594 thank you for pointing out some of those mistakes. I should have gone into more detail with him arriving. I'm afraid I'm not that good at arrival scenes in fanfics. But when I was writing that chapter, I was imagining that he'd feel the 'magic' because of his new Chozo DNA, who are a race of people who are connected to the environment.
Also the reason why Applejack and Rainbow Dash acted way too aggressively, is because Spike overexaggerated about the problem, which gave the wrong facts to the two mares. I should have put that in though.
Oh, and you shouldn't insult authors in the face like you did before. I like to go through and read every single comment I receive, and respond if necessary. I saw your comment, and it felt like you just spat on my face.
Yeah, you shouldn't insult authors like that. I may not be the perfect writer, but I tried my best. I stopped making the story halfway through just so I could create an outline for the story, which I realized I needed. I understand I messed up with this story, but I still tried to fix some mistakes. Would an author who doesn't care about quality do that?
6502671 Man's got a point. Would an author who doesn't strive for quality do that? I understand the want to point out a mistake, but making such a hurtful remark doesn't help anybody. Next time you get fired up because of a mistake, do try to calm down and think rationally, eh?
7045281 Thank you. I always cringe when I remember the older stuff I wrote. It's only natural I would have start to improve as I read more comments and stuff.
7134519 interesting. I know sometimes I might open up a chapter to a story I would be about to read, but exit out for some reason, and go back to the chapter menu, and select the next chapter to read, because the one I haven't read before that blended in with the marked ones I already read.
Wait, if this story is complete, does this mean no future cross-overs for this Displaced?
do a sequel story to continue this
For anyone new who is looking at this, here is what you need to know. This isn't a bad story, but it was written way back near the beginning of the site. It has all the troubles and faults that early stories had. So when you go into this, read it much like you would an old Sci-Fi movie. But instead of cheesy special effects, it's full of silly things like the character explaining all his powers and weaknesses, and other silly things.
If you can get past the problems that a lot of these original stories had and can read this knowing that it's going to be a bit cheesy, I think you will have a lot of fun reading this.
Monk