"IT'S RIDLEY!" I yelled to Connor, who while he looked terrified a minute ago, was no charging at the dragon, who simply screeched in response. While he was distracting Ridley, I was steeling my nerves. I pointed my arm cannon at the dragon, and unleashed several powerful hyper beams at him.
Ridley, while mostly focused on Connor, still somehow managed to block all my beams. I noticed Connor jumped on top of Ridley, and a bright flash appeared in Connor's hand, as he brought down a sword onto Ridley's back. 'Is that the master sword?" 'It does look like it.' Ridley screeched in pain, as Connor stuck his sword into the dragon, who was now jerking violently, trying to get the teenage god off his back.
"Sam! Wave beam!" Connor yelled, struggling to hold on to Ridley's back. Instantly understanding his plan, I charged and fired several wave beams towards Ridley, and they all curved upwards and converged on Connor, who was now sparking with electricity. Connor brought his hands down on the master sword, sending all the electricity into Ridley's body.
Ridley's started spasming wildly, and he fell to the ground, struggling to gain control of his body again. Connor took advantage of this, and grabbed Ridley's neck, before flying into the air, and pulling his head back so Ridley's chest is open. 'Of course the kid can fly.' Seeing Ridley's weak point open, I charged forward, delivering hyper beam after hyper beam into his chest. Eventually Ridley somehow released a major power surge, sending both Connor, the master sword, and I flying back.
I safely caught myself in midair, allowing me to quickly recover, but Connor wasn't so lucky. He got impaled on a metal pole sticking out of a wall. Connor pulled himself off the pole, and grasped his (lack of) chest as the gaping wound quickly regrew his heart and chest. 'Kid's been through a lot. It takes a harden veteran to not even care that they've been mortally wounded.' 'Yeah, you can see it in his eyes. He's been through worse than both of us combined have been through.'
"Got any ideas?" Connor asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.
We both stare at the upgraded Ridley who is also recovering from his wounds. "Well, he took several powerful shots to the chest, and is still moving and acting normal. So I'm gonna to say that we need to deal much more damage."
"Well, doing that will be hard. I mean look at him!" Connor gestured to the dragon. "It's like he's a combination of regular Ridley, and Meta Ridley..." Connor started.
"And Neo-Ridley..." I continued.
"And Omega Ridley." Connor finished. "Plus he's got some abilities I'm pretty sure he didn't have in the games. It's like he's Ultimate Ridley or something." Connor's entire body flashed, as he appeared in his Cosmic Form. "Let's mess him up." We both charged forward, and while Connor was throwing powerful and fast punches at the dragons face, I was firing all my best weaponry at him.
I got slammed back into another wall. When I got back on the ground, I watched as Connor got swatted away by Ridley's tail. 'Nothing we're doing is working on him!' In the past ten minutes, Ridley has swatted away each of my beams and missiles, even the cosmic beam had almost no effect on him. Ridley also seems to be learning, and is avoiding everything Connor is trying to do to get me a better shot. 'There is one beam we haven't tried yet.' 'Fine. Maybe Connor can cure me if I use it.' Taking a deep breath, I activated my hypermode, feeling the familiar feeling of Phazon pumping through my veins. "HEY RIDLEY!" I yelled, getting the dragon's attention. "TAKE THIS!" I yelled, as I fired the most powerful burst of Phazon I have ever fired.
I watched, as the beam started tearing up Ridley. Ridley tried to protect himself using his arms and wings, but they got disintegrated. Eventually hypermode wore off, and Ridley was severely weakened and lacked both arms and wings. I was pretty exhausted, but I saw Connor run up to me. "You used hypermode did you?" Connor said, not really a question, but more like a statement. "Well, it doesn't matter much if Ridley kills everyone in town." Connor took a deep breath. "Now I'm gonna ask you a question. Do you want me to permanently kill Ridley?"
Not really getting why he's asking this, I decided to relay the question to Samus. 'Should we?' 'Definitely. The universe will be a much better place without Ridley.' I nodded, which caused Connor to close his eyes, and he pointed his right hand at the body of Ridley, who was trying to not act scared at the fact that he's defenseless. "What are you going to do?"
"An ability I don't usually use. I call it the Smite. It completely erases the target from the current universe." I was surprised at that. 'This kid has that kind of power?' I watched as Connor kept his hand pointing at Ridley, before he snapped, and Ridley blinked from existence. Connor immediately fell to his knees, breathing heavily. "Sorry about that. I'm not used to using that power, and it takes a lot out of me.
I helped Connor back up, and the second Connor was standing again, a bright flash appeared where Ridley was a moment ago. "What the?" We both said at the same time, as we walked up to the identical floating containers.
"Upgrades. Figures. You usually do get an upgrade from a boss." Connor remarked, as I just stood there scanning the upgrade. My visor didn't find any information about it, similar to when I found the cosmic beam. Getting curious, I reached out and grabbed the upgrade, which disappeared like the last one. But this one made my entire suit glow, as it disappeared, leaving me just in my zero suit. The glowing stopped a second later, with me not really feeling any different. "Whoa." Connor said, looking at me with wide eyes.
"What? What is it?" I asked, and Connor handed me a mirror shard from nearby. When I looked in the shard, I nearly dropped it in disbelief. "Seriously!" I yelled when I got a good look at my face. My pupils were now slits and the rest of my eyes were orange and farther apart, which reminded me of only one thing. 'Dragon eyes.' I noticed my teeth were all sharper, each resembling canines, and my tongue was now much longer, and could retract back into my mouth which was now pulled out, giving my face an appearance very close to Ridley's face.. My skin felt harder, similar to scales, and all my senses were increased. My fingers and toes were more similar to claws now, and my body had a few ridges on it.
"That's gotta suck." Connor said, cringing at the fact that I'm now part dragon as well as Metroid and Chozo. "Wait, can you activate your power suit? There might be some differences in it now." I gave him a glare, as I activated my suit. The second the light faded away, I looked in the glass shard again, to see all my changes.
My power suit looked relatively normal, but the main differences were that I now had an armored tail, with a spike on the end, and I had two armored wings, similar to Meta Ridley's. But what bothered me the most, was that my helmet was very similar to what Ridley's head looked like. My helmet had a mouth that could open and close with my mouth and had a guard to prevent my open mouth from being attacked, and my visor was split up, one green lens in front of each eye. I let out a loud hiss, as I realized that I was now definitely part space dragon. "Why do I have to be part dragon?"
"I don't know. But what I do know is how similar you are to a dragon now." Seeing my confused and angry look, he decided to continue. "You should already know that you have Metroid and Chozo DNA. Combined with your natural human DNA, and the recently gained space dragon DNA, I figured out each amount of DNA you have." He snapped his fingers, and a small pie graph was next to him, with small pictures of Ridley, me, a metroid, and a Chozo on it. "You have about 15% metroid DNA, and 15% Chozo DNA." As he said this, the part of the circle with the Chozo and metroid got bigger. "But you also now have 35% human DNA, and 35% Space Dragon DNA. Meaning, you are as much a dragon, as you are human." Another snap of his fingers and the graph was gone. "And if you notice closely, your reproductive system is also similar to a dragon." My eyes widened, as I looked down, and noticed the weird feeling down there. "You might want to stay away from other dragons though. Would be pretty creepy to be hit on by a similar race to the one that destroyed your kind.
"Aren't you a bit too young to be talking about this to someone twice as old as you?" I said with a small smile, which Connor returned.
"I didn't realize that you're 4218 years old." Connor replied. He turned to look at the other upgrade, which looked like the exact same upgrade I got. He picked it up, and it disappeared in a glow like mine did, but this time, only Connor's robotic arm glowed. When it stopped, Connor pressed a few buttons, that just happened to show up, on his arm and then his veins started glowing. When they stopped, Connor didn't look different at all. "Good. now I can turn into a dragon at will." We both heard a familiar sound, rapidly approaching, and we both jumped out of the way of a blast of lunar magic.
"You may have defeated my dragon aliens, but now I will stop you from taking over this planet!" Luna yelled when she landed on the ground. She instantly charged at Connor, who dropped down, and started spinning, letting Luna jump over him. When Luna landed on the ground, she turned around, and was about to charge again, when she fell down, unable to get back up. "What dark magic did you cast on me alien!"
"It wasn't dark magic. I tapped your pressure points at high speeds, causing your body to be in a state similar to paralysis." Connor walked up to Luna, who was struggling to get up. "You see, I think something is seriously wrong with you if you keep on trying to kill or harm innocents just to kill two people who you think are alien invaders." Connor crouched down in front of her, and put his hands on the sides of Luna's head, who was now snarling at Connor, and trying to cast magic in Connor's dampening field. "This won't hurt at all." Connor said, as his hands started glowing, and the glowing spread to Luna's head, where when they reached the back to Luna's brain, they all started to violently glow. "Okay, now this will hurt." Connor's right hand went ethereal, went inside Luna's head, and pulled out a small chip. Connor's left hand was glowing purple, as he was healing Luna's brain from the damage caused by the chip being placed and removed.
Luna passed out, and Connor stood up, and brought the chip over to me. "So that's what made Luna go Donkey-Kong crap crazy?" I blinked at what I said. Connor just smiled.
"I hate curse words. And yes, this is it. But what do you notice about it? Except for the fact that it's seriously primitive compared to the chips in my body." He held up the chip.
"Manure!" 'Tabuu's off waves you Connor.' "It's Space Pirate technology." I said as I recognized the shape and color.
"Yep. So it's safe to say that the Space Pirates were controlling Luna. And this type of device makes you perfectly aware of your actions."I heard a soft tapping on my leg. I looked down to see an incredibly scared Luna, who has clearly been crying.
"I'm sorry." I barely heard Luna say anything, but my visor picked it up.
"It's okay. You weren't in control." I replied. There was suddenly a bright flash, as Celestia appeared in front of us, her gaze clearly angry at what Luna has done.
"Sister!" Celestia started. "I don't know why you followed this current path. But you have put many of our subjects in danger. For that, I must banish you to Tartarus." Celestia's horn started glowing, but Connor quickly stood in between the two princesses.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you Celestia." Connor said in a harsh tone.
"Get out of my way Cosmic King. I need to enforce justice in my kingdom." Celestia replied.
Connor shook his head. "I can't let you do that. You see, Luna was being brainwashed, and was in no way in control of her actions, but was also forced to watch the crimes she committed. If you banish her, I would have to exact punishment on you."
Celestia looked confused, and looked at me. "Sam, is he telling the truth?" I nodded.
"Yes. We found a Space Pirate microchip in her brain. It was controlling her. I was planning on tracing the signal back to the base, and destroying all of them." Celestia looked relieved, and immediately flew to Luna, and they both wrapped each other in a tear filled hug. I walked over to Connor, who was just looking at the two with a small smile on his face. "You want to come along? I could use some back-up."
"Yeah, that sounds good."
We were in Sam's ship, getting ready to take off. While Sam was piloting, I was tracing the signal back. "Got it. Sending coordinates." I said when I found the location of the Space Pirate. I heard a beeping sound coming from the cockpit, as Sam received the coordinates.
"Got it. Setting flight path and starting take-off. You might want to get yourself seated." Ignoring him, I walked up to behind his seat, and just altered reality around my body so I wouldn't be flung around.
As we were leaving the atmosphere, I remembered something I heard back before I got my powers. With a smile on my face, I started singing. "In the suit and on the ship."
"My iron fist making you zip." He said in such a normal tone, but I could tell it bugged him.
"So, you seen that video?" I asked, as we were flying off the to Space Pirate base.
"Metroid fan, remember. I have a question for you. What's your favorite Nintendo franchise?"
"Pokemon. Hands down. Metroid was pretty high up there though. I only beat two Metroid games in my life. Corruption, and Prime one. Could never get a copy of the first two. Got stuck during the huge wall jumping part in Super. Got bored of Echoes. Hunters was boring. Was close to finishing Zero Mission, but I missed a few upgrades, and then stopped playing when I got bored. Had to return my brother's copy of fusion before I could finish it. Never got Other M. People say it's a terrible game, but I'd prefer to make my own opinion of it." I answered. Before Sam could respond, we were already at our destination.
We stopped the ship right next to the Space Pirates ship. Sam got up from his chair, and I grabbed his power suit's shoulder, and teleported us inside. As I took a breather (For me, close range teleportation is still pretty tough), Sam was surveying the area. "They don't know we're here yet. Your cloaking system worked."
"It should. It's 51st century Lakarvarian. They make some of the best modern technology is most universes. And they weren't wiped out millennia ago." I stood back up, and we started running.
As we were running through the halls, killing any space pirates that we see, we enter a large room. This large room just happened to be full of at least 250 space pirates. Sam and I shared a look, and both ran into the battle, expertly killing Space Pirates. I charged forward, plowing through a few of them, and instantly disintegrating the ones I ran through. I eventually stopped, and jumped on one's head, snapping his neck, before taking out the staff I keep in my arm, and start killing Space Pirate after Space Pirate.
100 dead Space Pirates later, I whacked one over to Sam, who flung it into a wall with his tail, before spearing another with it. Getting a bit bored, I decided to do a combo. "SAM! COMBO!" I ran over to him, jumping on his back, as he flew into the air. As we were in the air, Sam started spinning, and I formed a small energy barrier around as, as we both fired some of our strongest attacks at the barrier (which was also spinning) and causing the energy to spin around us as well.
"NOW!" Sam yelled, and I snapped my fingers, sending the barrier, and all the energy in it outward, destroying the rest of the Space Pirates. Sam landed, and I jumped off his back, before giving him a high-five. "That was pretty cool."
"Yeah. You knew what I was planning the second I started running at you." I replied. We both started moving, running down a long corridor.
"Yeah, I think this dragon form has some advantages. I can charge a mouth beam without worrying about being attack there, and the tail and wings are useful. Although I don't quite like looking like this. I was able to sense your movements, and figure out what you were about to do." Sam answered.
After running for about a minute, a glass wall came down in front of us and behind us, causing us to stop. When we did, a Space Pirate wearing a lab coat walked out of a room, and over to a control panel in the wall. He pushed a few buttons, before turning to us and speaking. Well, he was speaking in Space Pirate language, which I was able to understand due to having the languages of every creature in the multiverse seared into my brain. Except French. I don't think the cosmic community ever considered the French to be creatures. Well, in their defense, they went to France on a national mime day, where everyone had to act like mimes. No race in the entire multiverse has mimes, except for France. Needless to say, it kinda freaked the cosmic community out.
"We have you now Hunter, and other creature." The Space Pirate said. Let's see how you like Phazon!" He pulled a lever, and pushed a few more buttons, causing the floor to disappear, and the gravity to increase heavily, causing us to plummet into the large Phazon pool. As my body was rapidly transforming because of the Phazon, I faintly heard the Space Pirate's laughs, and faintly saw Sam's suit change to the PED suit (with dragon attachments). Then, everything went black.
I climbed out of the Phazon pool, and turned around, hoping to see Connor. When I saw his left hand sticking out of the Phazon, I thought he was going to be okay, but when the hand started glowing a tint of blue, and blue veins appeared on it, I hightailed it out of the chamber, not wanting to fight a corrupted Connor.
I would like to see a picture of "new" Sam.
If you want, for this "boss battle" the corrupted Connor could look like a mix of Thardus, Dark Samus 3/4 (Prime 2 : echos), and/or the Mutated SA-X (after you damage it enough).
Otherwise this is a good story and chapter, keep up the good work.
Oh, look! Another great chapter with horrible continuity!
(In all honesty, you need to write a chapter, then send it to somebody else to completely re-write it. Totally. Then people would actually enjoy reading this.)
5886857 Well, I'm sorry that you don't like it. But if you don't like the story, then why do you read it?
5886975 Because I love this story. I love it with a passion. But, other people don't. I actually got into a fight with a guy (not IRL, of course) over it. But, most people can't get past the bad grammar like I can. I can see how beautiful this story is, deep down. It makes me sad that other people dislike it. That's why I suggested you to send it to somebody to re-write it. It might take a bit to come out for us to read, but Diaries of a Madman updates like, once a month, and people go bat-shit crazy for it. Seriously. Send this to somebody who can re-write the chapters. Not totally, but fixing grammar, continuity, and making the characters a bit more round and dynamic, instead of flat and static, like they are. Just take what I said into account, brofist.
5887055 You surprised me a bit there. I thought you were just going to be one of those people who went onto other stories, just to diss them. But, while most of what you said is true, I have problems with even temporarily giving people my stuff. I panic if someone else touches my 3DS, or my tablet, or my computer. I also just like having the feeling of control over my own stories. And sure, my characters are kinda static (Sam mostly), I'm trying to slowly change Connor's personality through his experiences. He tries to be a superhero, but he realizes that he has responsibilities to everyone in the multiverse to protect them, so he would try to kill someone to protect others. I also haven't really seen anyone dislike this story. The likes heavily outweigh the dislikes, 141 to 25. And sure this story keeps on changing, which keeps on reminding me I shouldn't have made this story as my first displaced. I mean I haven't played all the Metroid games yet. And I've only beaten Metroid Prime One and Corruption. I never had a chance to play Metroid 2, or Other M (I wouldn't mind playing it, even though everyone says it sucks. I like to form my own opinions of stuff), and I haven't read any of the comics. This was just an idea I tossed around in my head for a couple days, and decided to make it. I plan on making other stories after this, but I'm also planning them, making sure I know how to get the characters' personalities right. Also, I know how to deal with haters, I just ignore them like I do in school, and become detached and emotionally distant from everyone. But I always accept everyone's opinion. Brofist
5886837 I'm not good at drawing or anything like that, but I think it would be pretty close to this:
fybertech.com/4get/13680226563021.png
(I didn't draw this, I typed in 'Metroid Ridley' and scrolled down until I found this. Here's the link to the website; http://smashboards.com/threads/the-ridley-for-ssb4-thread-end-of-an-era.324284/page-961)
But imagine this suit, but without the massive head spike, or all the ridges on the body. The shoulders are the same big ball things on the Varia suit in Metroid Prime. The legs are normal, human like legs. The mouth isn't as pulled out. And the color's are still in the same areas as they are in the varia suit.
At least that's what I imagine.
Losing Control. that dose not sound good O_O
5887129 Well, thank you for being open. Hmm... While I can relate to the 3DS and things, that is really a fear you need to get over. Imagine if you had an office job, where everybody gave everybody else papers they wrote, and they may not get credit for. Or some other crappy circumstance. Anyway, LOVE the story. There actually are several stories on the site that you could take some ideas from. And, at minimum, edit chapters. I know it's not fun, but it is necessary.
5887055 Only story I ever didn't like which had bad grammar was one which spelt Hero as Heero and Dragon as Dralobn. Прав кланами?
5887403 First, WHOVIAN!!! Second, don't know that one... Third, translation, please?
Wasn't expecting that. I just thought Luma was extremely racist
5886975 Oh god danger! Why did you go for the lazy route and the route Luna's been on before?! I mean seriously brainwashed?!
<yay!) Luna's not a mega hitler after all!
5888429 They said 'Brainwashed' in the story, but I heard them say 'Mind controlled' in my head.
Wait a second... the multiverse doesn't have a king. The closest thing to a 'king' is Khaos. (Yes with a K) And Khaos is less a king more a... place where everything else came from. It's the what everything in all of creation isn't but is.
Also I call hax! You can't blame everything on brainwashing and everyone being so damn understanding. Also dammit Prince! No one is that understanding. No one. Not Fluttershy, not Celestia, not Faust, not God, not Jesus, not Santa Claus, not Santa Christ, not Goku, not even that random guy that agrees with whatever your saying is that understanding. The Chozo are dead, Spike is dead, people are dead. Even if they know she was not in control, you don't just shrug it off. That's not how the mind works, it's not always rational, emotion is not rational. Characters don't always have to be rational.
But fine, whatever. IDC, it's just really lazy to pass the blame instead of having her take her lumps.
5887720 Translation: What TheFuck?
5890877 There are at least forty two different people who think this story is so bad that 'It isn't even worth the dislike', quote unquote.
5889407 Well, Connor is from my other fanfic, The Cosmic King. If you haven't read it, or wouldn't like to read it, here's a brief summary;
Connor, a teenager, is at school, hanging out with his best (and only) friend, when another student pulls out a gun, and starts shooting. Connor's friend goes to confront the shooter, but Connor pushes him out of the way in time to take the bullet meant for his friend. As he's laying on the ground, bleeding out, the shooter walks up, and shoots him in the head. A few seconds after Connor died, he gets struck by lightning, giving him the powers of the Cosmic King. The Cosmic King being the ruler and protector of the multiverse. Connor became one due to his actions and what's on the inside, as well as Christianity's God was murdered, by a force that kills Cosmic Kings, and absorbs their energy. Connor stops the killers, and when he realizes he can't control his powers, he splits himself thousands of times, and sends each one to another universe, which he then protects. The Connor sent to an Equestrian universe has to protect the planet from other Gods, a power hungry corporation, enemies of Equestria, Chimeras, and his power hungry insane judgemental predecessor. Oh, and Twilight. So technically in my stories 'quadrant' of the multiverse' Connor is the ruler/god of the multiverse, and the first good Cosmic King for a long time. He also is the basis for Greek Mythology, so he has the ability to turn into any of his Greek God forms, including Khaos.
5888865 I still find it incredibly lazy, why not give her a detailed backstory dealing with how she grew into XenoLuna instead of just a mind control chip? It could've been something along the lines of maybe Luna ran into Samus on an adventure through the Cosmos and saw just how many planets that have exploded, basically anything Samus touches, aside from her ship, explodes
5891816 That's... oddly true. If he's not going to do that though, than I at least want some back story about WHEN she got chipped, since Luna has been acting this way since the get go. Maybe there's some cool story there? Like, how long have the Space Pirates been there? Were they trying to enslave the planet using Luna, and maybe others! Only now do they show them selves because Samus has showed up and they feared that he knows about their plans?! Thus summoning Ridly to help kill him off and in turn, getting Ridly killed instead!
Twice!
5892778 I know right? Originally this story made perfect sense. That is until Samus arrives in Sam's head out of nowhere and then lazily saying that Luna was chipped with no backstory what so ever. It's so bad I can't even like this story anymore!
5892866 Even then, with real Samus showing up, if he just made it so the phazon was messing with him and making a second personality. It would have been better and not so jarring.
5890971 Then they either like it or are trolls.
5893080 This comment.
5892866
See, broham, get your stuff looked over before you post it. Get somebody to make sure it makes sense (and doesn't seem lazy, but that is just a bonus).
5893314 Coal
5893314 to me or the author
5893864 To both, legitimizing my claim just a tad.
5893777 BEEP. BOOP. I AM A ROBOT.
5894143 Are you not slender?
5894142 Okay then
5894211 No. I am a being that can move at the speed of light, choose whether or not to be quantum locked, possesses pyrokinetic abilities, possesses telepathic abilities, and can manipulate darkness like clay. Any questions?
Corrupted Connor = Cosmic Suit/God Armor?
5894958 Are you the god of everything like my friend?
5891080 First the greek god/heroes thing is Shazam's shtick. Second, If your using Displaced canon then these "cosmic kings" are the Sysadmins. Two, your character is very clearly the messiah, if your not going to use subtlety neither will I. Three, the lightning thing is also Shazam's shtick. Four, He cannot become Khaos. Khaos is the alpha and omega by greek mythology. Not only would touching it kill a god, the god would cease to exist. Zeus punished his wife by dangling her over Khaos in a golden net, which she was freed from by her son Hephaestus, which led to him being thrown off of Mt. Olympus. Again. Him becoming Khaos in any universe would destroy it. Completely. The only safe place would be the void between universes. And even there that's a stretch. Also
The Basis! for greek mythology!? The greek gods are also sysadmins in Displaced canon so no, and even then isn't that taking a bit much. The basis of some of the greatest works in human history is this kid? Really? An entire religion? Multiple religions? Religions still practiced to this day? This kid? Next(because I've lost count) You seemed to have left out any kind of rebuttal towards the fact that I called you writing Luna as a bigger speciest than Space Hitler and then flipping the script and just blaming every action she has done, which has caused the death of Spike, the last of the Chozo, a number of her guards, the lives of innocents, and the lives of pony children(I know they're called foals) on a "he made me do it" defense. And everyone was okay with it. Sam was okay, Celestia was okay with it, the elements, everyone was okay with it. Yes that would be the rational action, she was being controlled but, it's jarring that everyone is fine with it. Samus can't just forgive that Luna had caused the death of a race and the last of her family right in front of him. That's not how people react. It takes time for stuff for people to forgive, and the fact that Celestia only steps in when it's discovered Luna's innocent pisses me off as well. As far as we know your portrayal is supposed to be of canon Celestia, you haven't shown us otherwise, yet she has repeatedly let her sister do as she pleases at the expense of her own subjects. Has this been done before? Yes, such as in Diaries of a Madman. The difference, between the two would be the that it is shown that she is and I quote "a corrupt bitch". You have done nothing to differentiate your Celestia from canon, as such she is expected to react to situations as the motherly matron queen she is portrayed as in the show. People have died because of Luna and the closest to a punishment that we got was a grounding. DoaM Celestia is a three dimensional immortal politician with her eyes out for her own. This Celestia is a OOC caricature of the Celestia from the show. You missed so much opportunity because of this. You could have had a confrontation between the two leading to Luna rebelling and hiding away, gathering allies in her own crusade to rid the world of the xeno-scum. You could have had her enact a hostile take over of the country and set the Equestrian army out to hunt down Samus. You could have had her attempt to take Celestia's life and than plant evidence on Samus. So much potential, and through it all, I would have no problem with blaming it a mind control if you dropped some hints.
Something you lack is the ability to imply things in a grey world. This is a battle of good vs evil in a black and white world. Everything is simple enough that a four year old could understand what is going on. This mind control is straight out of left field and the only thing we have to go on that would imply this being a thing is prior knowledge of Luna's character from a different body of work. This is your world, don't rely on the work of others. And no that is not what fanfiction is. Fanfiction is the retelling of stories in our personal way using a pre-made verse. If your going to write, act as if people who are going to read this don't know a thing about My Little Pony.
Of course I also have to drop the classic "show don't tell". What this means is that you are going to say "XYZ" without saying "XYZ". You are going to say that Luna is being uner someone elses control? Fine, just don't say that she was under someone else's control. End a chapter from the perspective of the controller looking in from what could only be Luna's POV, have her stand at attention to someone hidding in the shadows, doing whatever he says. Go into Luna's head, her conscious mind in chains while she watches her body commit terrible acts. Something as simple as have her look into a mirror, her eyes be completely different for a split second before brushing it off would be better than this. Never forget, your objective, no matter the format, is to suspend your audiences disbelief long enough to tell your tale and share your point of view. And to do this you need to learn the do's and the don'ts, the good and bad, and once you know the rules in and out you can go ahead and choose what rules you need and what rules you don't to get your point across. When your audience is cheering when your hero succeeds, crying when your hero fails, cringing when they do wrong, smiling when they get it right and when the curtains drop and its all over, they come back for more, you'll know you've succeeded at the ultimate goal of everyone who has ever picked up a pen. You've succeeded in an art older than most civilizations. I don't think you've reached that yet but you still can.
5899414 I have to agree with the mind control thing