It Makes Us All Glow
“And now, gentlemares,” announced Rarity in triumph, “the pièce de résistance.” A bolt of pure white light shot from her horn to pull back the heavy curtains, revealing a plain white ponnequin wearing a dress. It was a simple enough garment at first glance – an elegant yet unshowy evening gown of china blue with deep navy accents. The three very posh-looking unicorns sitting opposite exchanged knowing looks.
Rarity smiled as she gauged her guests’ reactions. “Yes,” she said, “I do think you will enjoy this. A little magic is needed in any dress, but this dress has been designed to incorporate something new; I call it ‘reactive fabric’. As you see, in flat, cloudy light like this, it has an understated but classy appeal. After dark, the material catches the moonlight, making it twinkle and glitter in a way that mere sequins never could. But as you’ll see in just a moment, this dress’s unique nature truly shines through at those moments when the world is graced with a... oh my goodness, I really must stop chattering on like this or we’ll miss the—”
There was a sudden crash from outside, as though a pegasus in a screaming hurry had slightly misjudged her landing and had an uncomfortably close encounter with a rather dense clump of bushes. Rarity gasped for a moment, covering it with a brittle giggle as she recovered her composure. She set her jaw and took as deep a breath as she dared, then marched directly to her front door, her face like thunder.
“Ms Rarity? Is something wrong?”
Rarity didn’t turn round, nor even break her gait. She gave her guests a perfunctory snap of her tail and continued outside, slamming the door behind her. The pristine Hearth’s Warming wreath almost fell off its nail, and there was a dull thump from somewhere upstairs as something heavy hit the floor.
Rarity opened the door just in time to be showered with leaves, twigs and dust as Rainbow Dash shook herself vigorously. The pegasus looked up at her friend with a slightly dazed expression, which almost at once became a familiar lop-sided grin.
“Heh... whoops. Didn’t quite stick the landing. Good job those bushes were there, but... ew, it was pretty icky in there. Had to get this gunk outta my feathers asap, you know? Not a lot of fun preening when you have bits of dirt and stick all over the place. Sorry I got some of it on you; I guess coming through your door right then wasn’t the greatest timing on your part, Rarity!”
The already chilly early-winter air dropped in temperature by several degrees.
“On my part?” said Rarity acidly. “What, pray, happened to your timing?” She looked pointedly at the increasingly cloud-filled sky and demanded, “Where is the brilliant rainbow I was promised?” She saw the pegasus start to grin again. “And I don’t want any stupid replies, Rainbow Dash. You know exactly what I mean.”
Rainbow looked at the floor and shuffled her hooves, her smile dying on her lips.
“I’m waiting. And my Very Important Guests from Canterlot are waiting, too. If I can’t explain myself to them, Rainbow Dash, I will in all probability lose this contract for good. And if I lose this contract, not only will it cost me dear in reputation, not only will somepony else be chosen as Mare à la Mode this Hearth’s Warming, but – I swear – I will never, ever let you forget it.”
Still staring at the grass, Rainbow mumbled a few inaudible words.
Rarity said nothing, weapons-grade silence radiating off her with the force of a thousand attack spells.
Rainbow winced, then lifted her head a bare inch or two. In a dull monotone, she said, “It wasn’t a rain-bearing cloud. I tried to get to another one in time, but I went too fast and overshot. I was gonna at least get the sunbeam going, honest I was, but I really had to land; the afternoon storm team guys were already setting up and I couldn’t interfere with their work. There just wasn’t anything else I could do.”
Silence reigned for a brief moment. “It wasn’t a rain-bearing cloud?!” Rarity parroted, in a fair yet distinctly mocking impression of Rainbow’s scratchy voice. “You didn’t even, oh I don’t know, check that beforehand?” Another pause, this one slightly longer. “Well. If these are the standards you set for yourself nowadays, I can see that I was quite thoroughly mistaken in asking you to assist me in the first place.”
“But it was just—”
“No. I don’t want to hear it. Not another word, Rainbow Dash. I shall now be trying my level best to explain this... this fiasco to my guests in the quite possibly forlorn hope that I will not be the laughing stock of Canterlot society by this time tomorrow. What you wish to do with the rest of your afternoon is entirely your own affair.”
Rarity disappeared inside, leaving her erstwhile companion standing disconsolately in her garden, her mood matching the leaden skies above.
When Rarity reappeared a few minutes later, still gushing out profuse apologies as the Canterlot unicorns boarded the taxi that would carry them to the station, there was nothing to be seen but four scuffed hoofprints in her front lawn.
* * *
Rainbow Dash slogged along, her hooves sinking into the springy turf as she went. She mumbled and muttered to herself, occasionally half-opening her wings before folding them tight against her back with a perceptible snap. The light was fading fast now; Rainbow stole a quick glance at the sky and estimated that she had perhaps twenty minutes before she would be soaked to the skin. She felt faintly satisfied at the prospect.
She stomped on, breathing a little heavily but never slackening her steady gait. A cockchafer whirred busily past her left ear; she flicked at it derisorily as it passed. A slight stumble brought nothing but even more muttering – but at length, the slope began to flatten out. Rather than enjoy the relief of easier going, Rainbow broke into a trot, then a canter, though she checked herself whenever she verged on the breathless release of a full-blown gallop.
Dash raised her head for the first time since landing and, with flat, dull eyes, looked across the wide vale in which Ponyville nestled. To her right, roughly on her own level, she could make out the flitting shapes of pegasi putting the final touches to the thick layer of stratus; to her left and far above, the lonely cry of a solitary eagle scored the air. Otherwise, the world was still and empty: cold and humid, matching the sweat that ran down beneath Rainbow’s still-clamped wings. She was alone with the gloom that now enveloped her.
Even the eagle that had briefly intruded on her dismal thoughts did not come to keep Rainbow Dash company, instead banking in a wide arc and heading far off to the west, turning away from the coming storm and answering the siren call of the distant ocean. The pegasus gave a single flick of her tail and then stood motionless, only an occasional blink betraying her utter alertness. She would pay her penance.
“Hey, Rainbow Dash! What’cha doing all the way up here, huh?” There was no mistaking that voice. Rainbow unwillingly shifted her gaze as Pinkie Pie bounded towards her, the earth pony’s face a mask. Quite literally a mask: her eyes and nose were covered by a pair of enormous comedy glasses attached to a quite absurd snout that looked as though it had been made from a carrot. This gave the huge, open beam that came below a vaguely sinister air.
Rainbow sighed. “Not now, Pinkie Pie. I’ll talk to you later, but I need to stay here, okay? You oughtta get inside before the rain starts.”
“Uh-huh,” said Pinkie. “Right now is real ‘uh-huh’ time. And when I realised there was an ‘uh’ and a ‘huh’ going on at the same time, that’s when I knew I needed to come find you.”
“Honestly, Pinkie, can’t this wait until later? I really need to be on my own right now.”
Pinkie Pie’s grin faded, though the rest of her stayed right where she was. “Like I said, Dashie, this is an ‘uh-huh’ situation. And that means I have to stay with you.” She plucked off the carrot-nose, bit off the tip and replaced it carefully, chewing steadily.
Rainbow snapped. “Pinkie! Will you please just go away?”
There was an endless second before Pinkie Pie said, “Well, if that’s what you really want me to do, then I guess... I guess I will. I’m really sorry I couldn’t make you feel better, Rainbow Dash. Maybe one of the others can. If you need me later on, I’ll be at Sugarcube Corner making cinnamon buns for the Cakes.” She pivoted on the spot and began to slide, very slowly, down the grassy slope.
“Hey, I am coming back, you know!” said Rainbow. “I just need to... wait, what ‘others’?”
Pinkie swivelled again and slid back up the slope to occupy her previous position. “Those others, silly,” she said, waving a hoof to the side.
There was a heavy bump in the direction Pinkie had indicated. Rainbow Dash turned her head slowly and blinked. A large purple balloon was sitting just over the crown of the hill about a hundred feet away; Rainbow craned her neck to see that its basket was skewed and spattered with mud from its awkward landing.
A group of ponies were trotting briskly towards her, their backs glistening dully in the subdued light. Rainbow noted without surprise that there were three of them. First smooth, muscly orange-brown; then feathery, breezy yellow; finally majestic, stately purple – the last with a smaller shape in a slightly different purple clinging to its back.
Spike.
Rainbow closed her eyes, dreading her friends’ approach but suddenly too weary to escape, too weary even to move. She tried to block out the hum of conversation that was gradually growing closer, focusing instead on the clamminess of the air around her. She fidgeted awkwardly, her hooves shuffling back and forth as she waited.
“Rainbow!” That was Twilight. “Are you all right? Blossomforth stopped by and said she’d been unable to find you, and that she hoped it was all right if she stood in as storm-team leader this afternoon. I don’t know much about that sort of thing, but she’s a good pony and I know you’ve told me she knows what she’s doing up there, so I told her to go ahead. I hope that was okay.”
Dash, eyes still firmly shut, gave a thin, humourless smile. “Sure, why not? It’s not as if I’m going to be getting in her way any time soon.”
Twilight spoke again, an edge of concern creeping into her tone. “Have you done something to your wings, Rainbow Dash? It’s not like you to be on the ground up here.” She winced. “Ow; that landing didn’t do my horn any favours. Looks like we’re not going to be teleporting home. And it’s dangerous to fly the balloon in bad weather, so I guess—”
“Did you crash too, Rainbow Dash?” Pinkie interrupted, nudging the pegasus’s shoulder playfully. “Was it really, really, really bad?”
Rainbow opened her eyes and stared into space. “Yes.”
“Well, hoo-ee, Rainbow,” said Applejack. “It must have been one doozy of a smash-up if it’s keepin’ you away from the skies when there’s a storm brewin’. You reckon you need to see the doc about it?”
“No.”
“Suit yourself, I guess. Not that I can speak for you hoity-toity weather ponies, ’course, but if I’d’ve been a-comin’ down a hill and taken a mighty tumble like that, I’d be haulin’ myself off to the Ponyville Hospital quicker’n a sidewinder on a skatin’-pond.”
This time, Rainbow said nothing at all, simply poking a smooth, round stone with a forehoof and rolling it beneath her horseshoe. The quiet allowed Fluttershy’s soft voice to be clearly heard, despite the breeze that was now noticeably ruffling the ponies’ manes.
“You’re not really hurt, are you.” It was much more a statement than a question. “Well, I mean, you are, but not... oh Dashie.” Impulsively, she threw her forelegs around Rainbow’s neck, holding her fellow pegasus tightly; Dash tolerated this. “And, well, we didn’t all come up here to see you standing there all alone like that. It’s just wrong.”
Rainbow blinked for what seemed the first time since the others had appeared. “Then what are you doing? And why are you all bothering me? Seriously, guys, what’s going on?”
Applejack gave a brief chuckle. “I think what Fluttershy was trying to say there is that, yep, we did come up here to see you... but we ain’t standin’ for that ‘all alone’ business – ’specially at Hearth’s Warmin’ time. And I reckon—” She broke off, looked over Rainbow’s shoulder and grinned, raising her voice. “I reckon there’s somepony here who’d agree with me ’bout that.”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, but twisted her head around to see—
“Rarity?”
“The very same.” The unicorn was coughing and wheezing for breath as she topped the slope and came fully into view, speaking in short, gasping bursts. “My goodness, all the muck... up here is absolutely... atrocious. I don’t know how... you earth ponies stand... it.”
Applejack’s grin widened. “Now ain’t that just like you to say, Rarity? ’Specially when you've just been made the toast of Canterlot fashion!”
“Applejack! That was... supposed to be my... surprise!”
Rainbow held up a hoof. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Will somepony please tell me what the hay is going on?"
Applejack winked at her. “Rarity here is goin’ to be Mare à la Mode this Hearth's Warmin’! So you don't need to beat yourself up over it no more.”
“She is? But then why are all you girls bickering at each other just like we’re always doing... back... home...?” She subsided. “Oh.”
Fluttershy gave Rainbow a gentle nuzzle. Dash suddenly realised that windburn had brought a little colour and warmth to her cheeks. Yes, windburn. Definitely. She shook her head and thought of something – anything – else to say. Well, one thing’s pretty obvious...
“You know we’re all gonna get really, really wet in a minute, guys? Even flying it would take a while to get back to town, and you’re gonna be soaked. And cold; this is gonna be the last rainstorm before we switch over to snow for the holiday season. I hope all this was worth it.”
Rarity smiled. “Oh, yes, it was most definitely worth it, Rainbow.”
There was a long, thoughtful silence. Rainbow Dash blinked as she felt the first tiny droplets of the imminent downpour tickle her muzzle and her ears twitched slightly as she found her voice at last. “Guys, thanks for coming up to see me and all – I really appreciate it, yeah? – but like I said, you’re gonna get pretty wet pretty fast if you stay out here. It’ll be bad enough even if you set off now, so I’ll see you when I get back to Ponyville, okay?
No-one moved.
“I said—”
“We heard you, sugar cube. But we ain’t budgin’. We ain’t goin’ anywhere until you’re happy again. Ain’t that right, y’all?” Applejack looked from one pony to the next and each gave the tiniest of nods. It was enough.
“But—” Dash tried to protest; the spots of rain were more frequent now and a curtain of menacing, ink-murky grey was sweeping rapidly towards the hill on which they stood.
“No buts, Rainbow. You’ve shown us all what loyalty is about so many times and, well, I reckon it’s time for us to show you a little of it in return. Hope you don’t mind us borrowin’ your Element for a spell.” Applejack smirked briefly, then her face set back into an expression of implacable determination. What was left of the late-afternoon light was fading fast as the storm front approached, but Applejack merely brushed a little dampness from her eyes and looked straight at Rainbow Dash.
“Together we stand,” she said as the rain began to fall in earnest. “Together.”
There was another lengthy silence, broken only by the ever-increasing howling of the wind and the spatter of raindrops all around them. Rainbow Dash, unconsciously copying Applejack’s earlier actions, looked from one pony to the next, making sure also to spare a small glance for Spike as he clung to Twilight’s withers. She shook her sodden mane from her face and took a deep breath. The rain continued to thunder against the increasingly puddled turf below her hooves.
She looked straight at Rarity. “I...” she began. “I...”
“It’s all right, Rainbow Dash,” said Rarity gently, a warm smile lighting up her face. “You don’t have to say anything. I know. We all do.”
Rainbow looked up at her in surprise “You do?”
“But of course, darling! We’re your friends, you know. I’m your friend.”
Once again, an extended pause. Then, from Dash, “I’m gonna say this anyway. Whatever I say, whatever stunts I pull, whatever stupid things I do, I want you to know that I love you guys. Everyone with me right here, you’re the best. I really, really love you all. Just... don’t tell anypony I said that, okay? Don’t want to go losing my reputation!” She gave a nervous chuckle, blinking a few times and looking away as she did so.
Fluttershy spoke up. “We all love you too, Rainbow Dash. Don’t we, girls?”
There was a quiet cough from behind Twilight’s neck, almost lost against the incessant drumming of the rain.
Fluttershy blushed. “Oh my goodness, Spike, I’m so sorry!”
“Ah, don’t worry about it,” said the little dragon. “You did mean me too, right?”
Fluttershy gave a small smile and nodded at him, but didn’t say anything in reply, instead sweeping all six of the others into a tight group hug. For once, just for once, Rainbow Dash was the first to reciprocate.
The rain continued to pound down on seven colourful backs.
* * *
The storm’s raging intensity had gone now, and the rain was little more than a fine mist hanging in the still-chilly air. The friends stood in a line on the hilltop, marvelling at the constantly changing patterns of light and shade that played across the valley floor below. As if by some unspoken impulse, they lifted their eyes to the skies, each in turn holding their heads up high – and at that moment, a wide shaft of sunlight broke through a small gap in the grey blanket above them, shining through it all and arrowing down to bathe their little town in its golden light.
Rarity looked across at Rainbow Dash and arched an eyebrow, smiling warmly as she did so and with the tiniest of twinkles in her bright blue eyes. “Rain mixed with sunshine? Well then... I do believe you have a job to do, darling.”
Dash laughed again as she took to the air – and this time, the sound that pierced the slowly lifting gloom was pure and sharp. Her laughter was the clear note of a thousand flowers bursting through barren desert soil; the soaring melody of a hundred songbirds swooping in great arcs between the dripping trees; the joyous song of a dozen little fillies at play in the schoolhouse yard...
...the music of friendship.
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Got an extra quotation in there.
'Twas a nice read on a dreary late-afternoon.
5386460 Thanks; fixed! And thank you for reading, too.
Sup mate just wanted to say good work on stories hope you get alot of good feed back from it and good comments saying your stories are good. Have a good day or night.
I'll be honest with you here...
This bored me to tears. It was just so dull to read. There isn't anything bad about this fic, it's overall structure is good and all. It just couldn't keep my attention for more than five minutes. I just skipped right to the end.
So uhh...I'm just gonna leave a down vote here, again it's not the writing, it's just my own preferences.
5386617 Thanks; I'm always happy to get feedback. Knowing what your readers think is the best way to improve.
5386782
Thank you! No, seriously. Obviously, I'd have preferred to have written a story that you enjoyed, but I really want people to give their honest opinions in comments, even if they're negative. I review fics myself, and one thing that's always frustrated me is what you might call "the FanFiction.Net disease" where absolutely everything gets acclaimed as great. It doesn't help anyone: writers imagine they're perfect and prospective readers can't tell whether they might like the story. Being honest is so much more helpful all round.
This particular fic is a bit of a departure from my usual style in several ways, so I'd actually have been surprised if everyone had liked it. I guess you'd call it "very Slice of Lifey" and that's not something that's going to appeal to readers who want wild comedy, intense action or heart-rending tragedy in the fics they read. The lack of major incidents is deliberate, but I can certainly understand that it's not to everyone's taste. So I really appreciate the fact that you voted honestly and took the time to explain; I'd never be offended by a downvote under those circumstances.
5386945 Oh well...that reaction was unexpected. Whenever I try to give an honest opinion I get abuse throw my way, because the author is always perfect and is always right, and pray to God that you don't disagree with them, lest he strike you down as you stand!
So when browsing the comment sections you have to button your lips and spew praise all over a story, even if it destroys you internally to do so. So thank you, for not following the norm and actually allowing me to have my opinion!
5387022 You're welcome, and I hope you won't let those silly reactions stop you giving your honest opinion on fics. If there's no room for negative reviews, we might as well just rename the comments section "Praise" or something.
5386945 omg my life story right there
I enjoyed it. The prose was well-written and the characterization was accurate for the most part. However, I personally wasn't a fan of Rarity's reaction to Rainbow Dash crashing by her. She'd be irritated and act dramatic because of the possible consequences, but I think she'd want to make sure that Rainbow Dash was okay first and I think she might be a little less blunt in her criticisms towards her. I personally think that if you toned down Rarity's frustration a bit, Rainbow Dash could still feel bad for upsetting a friend and the story could work as is. However, that's just my interpretation of Rarity as a character, so you're more than welcome to disagree with me. In the end, I'll give this an upvote, as while I didn't like all of it, I did enjoy it for the most part. Keep on writing and I hope your future stories do well.
5387715 Thanks for the comment! :) Rarity was actually written like that deliberately in that scene, actually; I was thinking of how she acts in, for example, the "sweatshop" scene in "Rarity Takes Manehattan", where she feels so wound up by pressure that she doesn't seem to care at all about how unhappy her friends are. In my story, she thinks she's going to lose a major contract and her reputation in one go. By the time she comes out of the boutique, having been assured by the Very Important Guests that they understand but still feeling bad about it (hence those gushing apologies) Rainbow is gone. At that point, though we don't see it, Rarity realises how unkind she's been to Dash. That's why she feels she needs to pay her own "penance", which is (deliberately written to be) the same as Rainbow's, ie slogging up the hill rather than flying -- note that she's the only one who doesn't make use of Twilight's balloon. Whether it worked or not is obviously for my readers to decide! Thanks for the upvote, in any case.
Your poetic prose never ceases to stun me. Your ability to milk some 3,000 words from a relatively mundane interaction and resolution just further validates this. I write SoL too, but I really stink at filling up my story with beautiful description. I can fill them up with sobbing Fluttershy, though!
I have to admit, though, I was expecting something different too when I read this, though for a different reason than Rainbow87dash's. I have to ask: what part of this story is Hearth's Warming-related? I know that you mentioned Rarity being Mare à la Mode, but how is this different from any other Canterlot interaction that Rarity has? I'm reading a lot of Hearth's Warming fics because, well, it's that time of the year, but I forgot this was a holiday story until I reread the description. Even the weather kind of threw me off. Shouldn't it really be snowing this time of year?
5387769 I was reminded by that episode a little when I read that scene, though I still think she may have went a bit overboard. Either way, you do make a valid point, so you're more than welcome to keep her character like that. I will say the scene with Rarity and Rainbow Dash being back on good terms got a smile out of me, which is definitely a good thing. It really ties in with the show's main theme, that friendship is magic. Good luck on your future stories.
5387773 Thanks very much; I actually don't think I'm that good at writing SoL, so this was partly an exercise in challenging myself to do it. I'd have found it easier to write Comedy or Sad or something, but decided to go down this route and see what happened. If nothing else, it's certainly provoked the most interesting comments section I've had in quite a while!
The name of the contest is probably a little confusing: it's called that because the deadline is at this time of year, and the "heart-warming" bit is what the contest rules specify. Being Hearth's Warming-centric isn't actually required, though I thought I'd put one or two background mentions in, just to be seasonal about it. As for the weather, what we've seen of it at other times of year doesn't suggest that it's always snowy in the winter, any more than it's always hot in the summer. Where I live (England) we have plenty of winter storms that are like the one depicted here, with cold rain, murk and gales rather than snow and ice.
5387813 I know that the weather isn't the same in all locations, but Hearth's Warming time doesn't exactly have a rainy connotation to it. Though, to reflect Rainbow's mood, rain is far more fitting.
It could also be because I live in Canada, where there's not as much rain but I think there's more snow. A couple days ago, we got dumped something like 30 inches of snow overnight.
5387861 There you are: we had zero snow all winter last year. That's unusual, but if we get six inches in one snowfall, that's considered a lot. Hmmm... just imagine Ponyville is in Vancouver. That should do it.
Spikes going to heat up the hot cocoa
5387887 We had snow last year! For a couple seconds.....In February. It's wasn't very uhh....impressive.
And shine like rainbows.
5391778 Actually, Shine Like Rainbows was my working title for this fic.
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
5391778 Where did you get the icon for your avatar?
5394225 Hey, I only wrote it two days ago; give me a chance! :P Also, while I don't mind exactly, you make that exact same comment every time you say something on one of my fics. I'd be delighted if you wanted to give a bit more of your own opinion. For example, why do you think I should submit this to EqD?
5394226 What icon? I just found this picture off Google and decided to use it.
Nice story there.
We thank you for entering our little heart warming contest and hope you had fun writing it.
A good day to you.
Dragon san
5394659 Thanks very much! I'm really looking forward to reading the other entries; the more the merrier.
This seemed like the ideal day to make a point of reading this story again and putting a comment here. And before anything else, yes I certainly did enjoy this a lot and there was no hesitation about adding this to my list of favourites.
Something that really stood out for me with this story was the characterisation. I've said this before elsewhere, but that seems to be something you've really got a knack for, and it's definitely proven here. I couldn't personally see anything out of place with the characters at all, but in particular (and obviously of importance with this story!) it seems that it was Rainbow herself that was written best of all. Having said that, I do think the parts involving Rarity were also very much like her - I don't imagine that she's all that easy to write for, but I couldn't see any problems here whatsoever.
I couldn't help but feel sorry for Rainbow Dash. It seemed to me that she had tried her best, and crash landing aside, it wasn't really her fault if there were none of the correct kinds of clouds available at that moment. It was quite sad imagining her walking along and wanting to be by herself, and even Pinkie didn't seem to be making much progress. But in the end everything worked out, thanks to them all caring so much for her, and I thought that was definitely a very heart warming way to finish the story. And it was the final two paragraphs (or the final paragraph starting with "Dash laughed again as she took to the air" and the line right after that) that I thought were very nicely worded indeed! That conjured up a very strong mental image of "soaring" and happiness, which was great to read!
If I've got this right, the actual judging should be at some point over the next few days? If so, I hope the story does well and, of course, best of luck!
5420257 I don't actually know when judging happens. There are eight or so other stories entered, some by writers I know are very good, so it's going to be tough. But we'll see!
And thank you very much indeed for that review!
It's interesting that you bring up Rarity: I've found myself really starting to like writing her recently; that bit in Where They Understand You where she talks to Fluttershy was another example. The Mane Sixer I find hardest to write, actually, is Applejack: in this fic, she's just on the edge of things and making the odd pointed remark, which is simple enough, but a whole AJ-centric fic would be trickier. I haven't read all that many really good tales where she's played a big role. Maybe It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door.
Oh, of course, and so you should. After all, Rarity has really overdone her criticism, as she very well knows later on in the story. (Why else do you think Rarity copied Dash's "penance" and walked up the hill, rather than flying in Twilight's balloon?) But, as befits a blatantly heart-warming fic, everything works out all right in the end. I actually wrote that ending quite early on in the writing process; the last section in particular, describing Rainbow's laughter, is one I really like.
This review brought to you in the format of the group Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Light that Ignites in the Dark
Grammar score out of 10: 9
Pros:
Everypony was well realized, few people remember that certain pairings of the mane 6 don't work so well. This was illustrated perfectly as the right personalities clashed, but everypony was able to love and tolerate when all together.
Rarity as shown as being innovative and creative outside of merely making a dress. I enjoy it when she is shown to also manufacture textiles or cut gems. It rounds her out while staying within her passion.
Applejack's accent was written in such a way as to properly represent the way she speaks, and did not simply substitute "Y'all" for you all. The actual dialect was present. (I lived in Appalachia for a few years, there is more then just word choice, there is also phrasing.)
Cons:
The Narrative flow felt odd to me. This may simply be the writing style. It did not negatively impact the story,
The racist remakes some character's made seemed not at all like they would be made by the Mane 6.
Spike was included, but did nothing to advance the story. I dislike a character being wasted in such a manner.
Notes Section:
You are most certainty an excellent storyteller. Admittedly most of the negatives I have come from personal tastes. Howeaver, I feel I need to elaborate on the racist jokes. I assume you included them to give a more mature feeling to the world as groups of friends do joke like that with one another and we have seen hints of pony racism in the show. Howeaver it feels alien to the world for friends to use slurs with one another when they happen to be ponies. Their society embraces friendship, respect, and love to the point where friends are better described as "Romantic partners without the sex". It simply feels... alien. It's not bad mind you, its just like walking into a spherical room. You are confused as to why it is a sphere and not a rectangular shape.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Seeking Hearth and Home
5427079 Gosh, that was quick! Before I get into specifics, thank you very much: if there's one thing I love getting, it's detailed, thoughtful feedback like yours.
Not that I'm complaining about a 9, but I assume that means there were a few minor errors remaining. Anything particular that bothered you?
Thank you; I'm delighted you felt that way, as I think one thing a lot of people miss -- even occasionally a few of the show writers! -- is that MLP:FiM is a character-driven show, not an event-driven one. The way the ponies (and zebras etc) interact is what interests me the most.
Thank you for this, also. Like a lot of fans, I initially disliked Rarity, but I've come to enjoy writing her a lot more in recent times.
I'm glad that felt right. I'm English, so I almost never hear accents like AJ's in everyday life. I just try to capture the cadences of her speech -- and to avoid one of my pet hates, using "ah" for "I"!
Okay, now for the cons:
I think it may well be a stylistic thing. Pure slice of life isn't by any means the area I'm most comfortable in; this is only the second straight SoL ponyfic I've written. It wouldn't surprise me at all if there were still bumps that needed smoothing out.
This is a great point, and actually the little exchange between Rarity and Applejack was one I hesitated over. You're spot on in saying that it deviates a bit from the show: we've seen light-hearted sexism (AJ's "Ain't that just like a boy?" to Spike near the end of "The Ticket Master") but not this. "Flight to the Finish" does suggest that Ponyville is unusual in its degree of racial harmony, but that doesn't get me off the hook here. I guess I included the exchange simply because Rarity and AJ have such a funny, sparky relationship in canon.
Another fair point, though I was rather caught between two stools. If I'd left Spike behind, you can guarantee that I'd have had commenters complaining that "Yet again, a writer ignores Spike!" while I didn't want to write him a scene that didn't fit the story simply out of tokenism.
Thank you again for some of the most interesting and useful feedback I've had on my stories, and I'll certainly review your own fic within the next few weeks. Do feel free to nudge me (eg via PM) if I forget about it.
5427175 Too follow up: Of course I was fast. I am unemployed, not a student, and no friends. This is my life
No but seriously I have a ton of free time.
As for the grammar errors... I put a 9 to be safe. I didn't see anything but this means little. I am a high functioning autistic, one thing I cant do is notice grammatical errors unless they are huge. To me the difference between then and than is nonexistent. To the point of me having to read my own sentence three times to make sure I used the two different yet the same words. That said your word choice, sentence structure, and flow were good. You write like the people in my English 401 Creative Writing class. Which is refreshing.
As for the Appalachian accent, it's indicative to a mountain region in the South Eastern United States. It is it's own dialect, which FiM gets correct in both word choice, and phrases. For example "Ah got us two whole pokes 'o sweet taters. Ain't had any in a coon's age." In normal English that is "I have two grocery bags full of sweet potato. I have not had any in a long time." Since I lived there for several years I am willing to help you, and others, correctly write it if desired.
As for spike... I purposely set my fiction 10 years in the future so Spike is now a young adult dragon and has been taken off for um... Hoard Acquisition and Damsel Distressing Training or something dragony like that. Unfortunately his character ha stagnated for so long that the fandom would be happier with him gone :/
Sweet =)
6140244 Thank you!
I forgot to follow you after I read Where They Understand You. I've fixed that now. Your stories always manage to put a smile on my face and I can't thank you enough for it.
6443464 Thank you very much! That's a lovely thing to say, and I'm really glad that my stories have given you enjoyment. I hope to be able to achieve that again in the future.
A great piece of "pure" slice-of-life, where very little actually happens, but rather the story is really good at capturing that particular moment of healing for Rainbow and her friends and, yes, it did make me smile at the end. It is remarkable that the emotional power of the final scenes comes as much from what is unsaid between them as what is said. No, I wasn't crying, not at all ;)
Also, the RariDash in this reminded me very much of Spring is Dumb.
6764223 Spring is Dumb? That's high praise! I'm not sure it's quite worthy of the comparison, but I'll take it! And thank you very much for reading -- I'm glad you enjoyed the story so much. It's been one of my favourites since I wrote it -- perhaps not objectively my best, but I really wanted to write a "feels" story with a domestic, almost S1-like atmosphere, and I think I did reasonably well on that score.