Squid-Hoof
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I like it. Keep writing!
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That is all.
One: do paragraphs EVERY TIME a new character speaks.
Two: You don't have to describe the ponies if we already know them. Someone that doesn't know ponies doesn't have business reading a fanfic about them.
I'll pass on thumbing this for now.
Very good start!
For some reason, most people have their human characters either loved straight from the beginning, or indifferently treated. The (extremely natural) reaction to a potential predator of throwing him out of town.Very well written start to the story, please finish the next chapter soon. Also, I'd suggest finding a buddy to proofread your chapters before submission. Just to keep it straight.
You sir, need to keep doing this story. Moustache spike demands it!
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I'm guessing humans are like WMDs in equestria since the cloaked guy said he can use him to kill the princesses and the main six. Or is there something special about Nathan?
I would very much like to see the next chapter!
That was good so far!
He just killed a bear with BOOT BITS?!
Epic. Win.
"Hi, I'm Bear Grylls *looks away* and I just found a pony here..."
But anyway, great so far!
like where this is going! please continue.
Let's see how this story does on the cliche-o-meter:
Protagonist has memory loss (Cliché++)
Protagonist isn't a brony (Cliché-)
Protagonist faints or loses consciousness for poorly explained reasons (Cliché+)
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (Cliché+)
That's 3 shots of vodka for me.
You actually write pretty descriptively (
)but damn this reads like such a run of the mill throw away HiE fic it's painful. Is your editor/pre-reader not familiar with the HiE genre and the pitfalls that are quite prevalent in it? Also the reaction of the ponies to figuring out our fearless protagonist is capable of eating meat is both a bit extreme given how they act around other meat eaters in the series and impressive that they picked up on it since human canines are much less pronounced than actual carnivorous species (being an omnivore rules).
I'll take those 3 shots tomorrow and see if I can make it through the rest of your chapters.
well this is different but its good liking
Have to say, haven't even read the chapter yet but the name alone is amazing
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Hahaha thanks. I've been trying to be slightly clever with the chapter names, and this was the closest I could get to the feeling of the chapter.
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I can honestly say that this is the first time I have ever actually really hated how they act
The first time is understandable, the second time was kinda rude but still understandable.
but now.....
Ponyvile ( minus Fluttershy, Big Mac, Applejack and Pinkie Pie) You Bitches
Oh gawd, that steak part was genius
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What about Pinkie?
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Dang, could have sworn I already put her in. Must have skipped her while debating on whether to add Big Mac or not.
Oh well ... COMMENCE EDITING PREVIOUS COMMENT
editing completed
Rarity seems a bit OOC in an aggressive way.
“Fluttershy, when you finally realize what that human can do if given the time and space, I hope you have the good sense to remember that I have tried to protect you."
"what that human can do if given the time and space"
She seems to believe that she knows what humans can do. Did that villain send her some visions regarding human atrocities? It would justify her unusually strong reactionary pose against Nathan.
Great chapter, and also the whole general set up, I love how you handle the ponies reaction to the whole "there's a potential pony-eater walking among us" thing. Most other fictions just seem to gloss over the fact that accepting Zecora (whom Ponyville was canonically racist against for a long, long time for no reason other than the fact that she wore a cloak) is not even remotely in the same ballpark as accepting an alien that can eat meat and is about as big as Princess Celestia
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Thanks for all the comments guys, I apreciate the feedback both positive and critical. I want to respond to your comment specifically Tencent, as this is the kind of intelligent thinking I like to see.
On the face of thIngs, compared to how Rarity is on the (written with 6 year old girls as the core demographic) show, absolutely this would seem extreme/ooc. However, I'm writing from a "what would these characters be like in a real world situation, written from the pov of teen/adult as re core demo." As realistic, not restricted to 22 minute time block characters, with rounded motives and desires, they are all going to be different chracters.
Someone needed to be the "hater" in the group, and Rarity is absolutely perfect for it- Flutterhy is too kind, and at this point curious, Pinkie can't take him seriously, Twilight, as a researcher, is professionally intrigued by him (free spoiler/foreshadowing for you) etc. Rarity wakes up, sees this awful brute threaten a room full of ponies for fun, a known meat-eater, and her best friend wants to spend as much time with him as possible? F*** no that's not happening. Her element is generosity, not kindness, laughter, or honesty. She cares more about her friends then herself, right now her friend, in her eyes, is making a huge mistake, and she's always shown to be extreemly vocal.
If anyone was going to be the bitch, it was Rarity.
(Bit of insight into what goes into my writing of scenes.
)
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I can't exactly say that Rarity isn't prone to jumping to conclusions. But it usually takes some measure of significant evidence to sway her to those conclusions, and even then she wouldn't hold out for very long (hell, it took her two scenes to regret her sort-of neglectful attitude against Sweetie Belle and forget all about their fight, and two seconds to jump to Steven Magnets aid for Nightmare Moon's crime against fabulosity despite his drenching her hair and impeding the groups' movement). Judging by canon standards; I'd say it'd be far likelier for either Applejack who, given her ridiculous amount of self-assurance in her own judgments (it Twilight days to convince Applejack she wasn't in the right during Applebuck season, and she was also by far the most obstinate and vocal in the pro-pony faction during the Buffalo-Apple Family conflict in Appleloosa), or Rainbow Dash who jumps to random (always negative and usually violent) conclusions almost consistently when dealing with any stranger whose dealings is unknown to her.
So given this frameset, though I can appreciate why you need a social antagonist against Nathan I thought it would be reliably justified in a way that would implicate the necessary hatred from her exclusive of every other pony (Just finding out that him wearing leather clothing and, thus, a personal affront and grand insult to her life's work and pony morality in general would do it). I always viewed Rarity was one of the more levelheaded people excluding her forays into the world of fashion, so it still seems a bit hard to swallow that she'd so easily shift into a position of impregnable xenophobia when it's usually anypony else in the mane 6 that would take this position (Fluttershys fear of things in general, Twilights obsessive devotion her own special brand of rationality, Applejacks self-assurance, Rainbow Dashs stringent suspicion of anypony she doesn't know, and Pinkie Pies chronic insecurity).
Not to say that it ruins the story, but even given the premises of realistic consequences given a society on the lower-side of the food chain, and a significant shift in demographics. It still seems to me that Rarity would require empirical evidence to suggest that he's actually a legitimate threat in order to muster against Nathan in the way that she did. Without it, I feel that I'm almost required to make up not-yet-explained instory justifications for why she's being such a b****. Not to say that, given a genre shift, she wouldn't act in this fashion. But it would take a far harder shift than that that which was apparent in the actions of the rest of the cast. I.E, Given that all of the cast were shifted in the same attitudinal sense, I wouldn't have expected Nathan to wake up from Dash's assault last chapter. I don't think she would've stopped nor would she have any reason to, given Fluttershys almost suicidal compassion for all other creatures (not to say that it's reflects badly on her character, just extremely inconvenient in a realistic predator-prey environment) and Dashs implicit knowledge of that and violently overprotective stance over her friends even canonically .
I might be over analyzing, so you're more than free to dismiss whichever parts're unnecessary or even flat out wrong. Keep up the good work, and thanks for the response.
Oh God, Nathan's an evil genius. He played Rarity like a violin
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Beautiful chapter! Looking forward to more.
lol Rarity's all like
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I have never read of so much hate coming from the ponies. Now I'm just hoping
Celestia does the whole "we need your help oh chosen one" thing so they can have
a good ol' karmic bitchslap
Oh.
Fuck.
Him.
He is so screwed.
This is getting intense.
Damn, this is getting intense. Looking forward to more.
584316
Canonically, the ponies are quite racist and not that kind, at least not half as nice as the fandom twisted them to be. They basically forced Zecora into complete exile for being black and white and wearing a cloak before the events leading into her introduction. I'm actually surprised at how much the other authors rape the canon characters into ponies that are perfect individuals that respond reasonably and kindly to every situation, when it's been clearly shown to be the other way around. Whenever something goes wrong in their usually idyllic and perfect life, they usually respond really, really, badly and, in Rainbow Dashes case violently.
As a general review.... I see what you're doing, and I approve wholeheartedly. Except for a couple things I need qualification for, is the character regression from Applejack deliberate or...? And what the hay happened to Rainbow Dash???
(Unless the exclusion is also deliberate, then
)
Epic chapter! Looking forward to the next chapter!
I must say that Discord seems too sinister and too well planned in here but other than that a quite good read
The Cockatrice cant turn Nathan into stone cause Humans dont seem to be in touch with magic at all. But he can be healed by it? Did i miss something?
And when he asked Twilight if only non equines are affectet by this spell i would have exspected him to ask if Spike was repulsed too. Why was he repulsed at all if he isnt "in touch" with magic?
Nice Story but that just bugs me somehow.
sorry for bad english.
How does rarity know so much about the human world?
This is bugging me now, why hasn't anyone commented on Pinkie's reaction to Nathan starting to "date" Fluttershy? She is clearly disturbed by this fact and seems to have strong feelings for Nathan which we can see in her near-absolute trust in him right?
Now i'm probably just looking too much into this but this seems to be foreshadowing the appearance of Pinkamena and that isn't gonna be pretty...
Anyways, I'm loving this story so far, keep up the good work Squid-hoof!
-nadroJ
I want another chapter...now
but seriously great chapter, i eagerly await the next
My only problem is how disliked Nathan is in a world based around friendship. Sure your story does take a more realistic approach on how the ponies would react to a sentient being that eats meat, but i mean come on show the guy a little more love
and i fear for the worst when Celestia comes into play.
my pinkie sense is tellin me shits gon get bad
other than that, heres a few more stashes to add to your collection
fucking love this story...
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Next chapter has already been rough drafted, but I've found an editor, so I have to give it my editing passes and pass it over to them.
I'm enjoying the questioning attitude of everyone so far- definitely worth it to me when people question what's going on. I know that a lot of my answers won't satisfy everyone, but I've at least taken the care to eliminate any contradictions. Nathan is not going to have an easy time of it until the very end- he's destined for punishment. Not everyone dislikes him though. He'll make a few friends, but it's going to get far worse before it gets better...
Also- what? Not one person commented on "Nightmare Boom"? I was so proud of that pun.
This is a wonderful story, and yes, everypony is an asshole. But what gets to me is the fact that Rarity knew specifically about nuclear warheads, and not just WMD's in general. Methinks Nathan told Flutters about them and then she told Rarity while they were at the spa or something... I dunno.
As for the story:
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Damn. That escalated quickly.
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THIS IS NOT GOOD
CELESTIA HAS GONE NUTS
Holy shit! this is a big shift
moar!
Well... shit.
Discord's loose, Celestia's becoming increasingly paranoid, Rarity's being manipulated, Chrysalis is like Jack Skellington (from Nightmare Before Christmas) in that she just likes scaring ponies, not hurt them, Pinkie's under suspicion, Nathan is too, and the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket.
Good story, and I can't wait to read more!
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... I can smell it.
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HA HA YOUR MAGIC DOES NOTHING!
This story is greatly interesting at so many levels. Can't wait for more!