On her way to home, Cherry gets caught in a storm. Her only salvation, a manor along the forest road. A mysterious stallion lets her stay but will her curiosity get the better of her?
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- Member Since 30th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen 7 hours ago
Zubric
Love to write whatever comes to mind and enjoy Brony stuff.
Zubric
Joined 30th Aug, 2012 ·
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DAAAMMN... that is dark, and a good story. GRIMDARK
I love how blunt that was.
I still liked it though. Good job.
I'd love to see more on this.
A very well-written story, I enjoyed reading it, although I didn't get the ending.
5173204 yeah I could have done the ending a bit better . Thanks for liking it.
This was a great concept, there were a few grammatical errors and parts that were a bit weird, but other than that, very well done.
I also loved how the coco turned into tea ;) Lol. :D
Damnit Cherry! You could have stayed in your room and left in the morning, but noOOoo! You went and made the crazy guy mad!
( 
)
The story started of very well and kept a reasonable pavery in the beginning..it did a good job of show, not tell. it was good, my first problem starts with the mansion owner. He seems very sporadic, despite that trait not really matching his personality traits. The other issue is that he doesn't have a name. Now, this isn't a problem in itself. No, the issue arises because it almost seems like he doesn't have a name just for the sake of not having a name. Like a forced attempt at making him more ominous. There might have been a way to omit the name, but the way in which it played out did not fit.
Then there's cherry. Poor, poor, simple cherry. She seems flat. Almost like a placeholder, no real personality. We see how she reacts to certain things, and how she acts, but she doesn't have much reason. Almost like she's A construct of the story, only used to move it along. She's almost Sue-ish. Like an anti Sue. Instead of always having the solution to every problem, she is the solution to creating problems. It's a terribly bland character, with only minimal development.
Now, the idea itself. It's well formed, there's a good symbolism here. But, it's almost just typical symbols in order to create atmosphere. the atmosphere is nice, if a little forced at times. The generic 'don't wander' ploy, a little overused, but otherwise fine. it does seem issue that If he was as concerned about his art as he shows, he should have just locked the door.
The red in the name almost seems irrelevant, if not for this ponies obsession with it. Try he ending was rather dry. Just disappearing out of nowhere.
Overall, I like the fic. it could have had some better elements, but it was a good read.