Chapter Twelve - A King's Duty
The last rays of sunlight disappeared beyond the horizon. Normal colors of the sunset shone true in their mix of yellow and orange, and even a hint of red. The monstrous Smooze had dissolved away to nothing, taking with it the decay and blight of the land. All signs of its existence vanished with the healing power of the Rainbow of Light washing over the valley. The last bits of the arcing rainbow in the sky faded with the setting sun. The ponies came to rest at the edge of the hill slope, their rainbow features fading with the sun.
Applejack knelt down and cradled Twilight’s head as she came around. Twilight blinked once and took off like an arrow, flying at top speed toward the ruins. She arrived at the shrine in seconds and reverently approached the tree. The entire structure was exactly as it had been when she’d first arrived. The pony statues were back in their alcoves. The giant black tree laid out its handsome golden leaves in a sparkling canopy above. The only difference: no purple ooze anywhere to be found.
Rainbow Dash caught up with her first. “Hey there speedy, you gotta’ wait for the rest of us.”
Rarity approached and pointed upwards, “Oh, Twilight. The tree! It’s so lovely!”
Twilight turned toward her friends as tears of joy mixing with tears of sorrow rolled freely down her face. “They’re all here—back where they belong.”
“Well, would you look at that,” Applejack said as she pulled the hat from her head. “Isn’t that somethin’?”
Pinkie blurted out, “Yay! Time for more patty-cake games!”
“Pinkie!”
Pinkie chuckled. “Oh, right…”
The ponies stood in wonder at the sight that lay before them. Brightwing’s Tree of Harmony stood proudly at the center of the shrine once again. The pony guards fanned out around the ring—each of them giving a salute toward the middle. Twilight could just make out through the helmets that each one had a big smile on his face.
Twilight sighed. “Well, girls, I believe our job here is done. Time to head home.”
“What?” Fluttershy’s wings popped open.
“Now hold on there a second.” Applejack pointed around at all the statues. “Are you sayin’ we’re just goin’ to leave ‘em here like this?”
“Yes, Applejack. I am.” Twilight bowed her head and closed her eyes.
Applejack’s jaw dropped a bit. “Well, that don’t make any sense at all. We just melted the Smooze. Do we really need these ponies to stay frozen in stone for who knows how many thousand more years?”
“That’s just it, Applejack. We did just melt the Smooze. But that’s no guarantee it will never return. Hate and envy, darkness and fear—they all still exist in this world. For as long as that is, we need good ponies willing to stand up and defend our way of life. We all have to do our part. King Brightwing made that very clear.” Twilight wiped her eyes, drying what tears she could. A gentle smile spread across her face. “The Magic of Friendship set things this way. I think it’s what they wanted and all is as it should be.”
Applejack held her hat tight to her chest. “I had no idea friendship was that complicated. But what about the Princesses? Can’t we try and move ‘em all closer to Canterlot?”
Twilight looked up and took in the wonderful sight above her. The sleek and shiny black trunk branched out as it rose up into smaller limbs bursting with golden leaves, climbing higher and higher into the sky above. Closing her eyes as a gentle breeze washed over the hilltop, she could just make out a whisper of a voice as it floated down through the leaves above.
“Thank you, Twilight Sparkle.”
She turned back toward Applejack. “I think he’s right where he wants to be. He’s with his friends.”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that.” Applejack paused and held a hoof to her chin. “What about Queen Una?”
Twilight closed her eyes again as she recalled the image of their own version of the Tree of Harmony that lay rooted in the cave at the base of the Castle of the Two Sisters. Another message echoed in her head.
“I thank you as well, Princess.”
Twilight responded to the both of them. “Thank you, Your Majesties.” She made a small curtsey as she bowed her head toward the great tree before turning back again to Applejack and the others. “I think she’s fine with this too. I’m pretty sure the link they shared has been repaired. I don’t think we could ask for more than that.”
“I sure am glad I’m an Earth Pony.” Applejack kicked at the dirt. “I don’t know what I’d do if I had to deal with all this magic stuff all the time.”
“I have a feeling you’d do just fine.” Twilight smiled at her friend. “We’ve all made some pretty amazing magic together.” She motioned to all her friends to gather in close. Nestled beneath the great tree, she hugged them all as one, savoring the moment together. It was good to have memories like this for when times got tough. She didn’t know if or when she would ever need this one, but she figured it was good to have regardless.
From out of the gathering darkness, a reserved visitor skittered through the shadows. “I humbly ask your permission to approach your most sacred shrine.” The clattering mandible of the Spider Queen clicked and popped as she bowed her forward legs just outside the ring of stone.
Twilight turned and bowed to the Queen. “It would be my honor, Your Highness.”
The giant spider moved up past the pillars into the heart of the circle. “Please, Princess of Equestria, call me by my true name—Queen Skalla of the Stars.”
“We are extremely grateful for your assistance today, Queen Skalla of the Stars.” The rest of the ponies bowed together with Twilight in addressing the Spider Queen.
“I cannot accept an honor that is not mine to receive.” The Queen bowed low to the ground as her brood scurried from beneath her legs in a procession of reverence, each little starred arachnid bowing and retreating behind the Queen once more. “It is we that owe you a deep debt of gratitude. I regret my ever considering the consumption of your band. We will never forget your kindness and courage. The forest is healed and the sickness of the Smooze is no more. Ask us any favor and it is yours without question.”
Twilight smiled as she watched the little creatures scurrying past. “Queen Skalla of the Stars, as a Princess, the only favor I could ever ask is for your continued friendship.”
“It is yours, for now and forever.” The star emblem on the great spider’s abdomen glowed in the light of the newly risen moon. The added light illuminated the presence of a number of curious onlookers off to the edge of the shrine.
Twilight turned and beckoned them forward. “Come out, Grundles. There is nothing to be afraid of here.”
“Spider Queen not eat us?” The Grundle King stepped out from the shadows.
“Not tonight and not ever.” Twilight walked over and shook the King’s hand. “I want us all to remember today and how we came together as one. We had a purpose: to overcome the Smooze. By the magic of our friendship, we have done just that. If I could take one thing away from this whole experience, it would be the hope that Dream Valley will once again become the place that it was before the Smooze came to be.”
“Ponies always welcome in Grundleland.” The portly King bowed as best as he could manage. His mushroom cap flopped to the ground. With a bashful smile, he reached down to pick it up, but Twilight was quick with her magic and swiftly deposited it onto his head.
“Any friend of Equestria is a friend to the Star Nation.” Queen Skalla tipped her head. “If you wish, we will assist you in rebuilding your village, King Grundle. The mountain quarry is far and your people are free to traverse our land in peace.”
The King bowed to the spider, this time holding tight to his crown.
“There’s probably one more thing we need to iron out with that.” Twilight stifled a giggle, trying not to break the mood. “Nevermind. We’ll talk about it later. As for tonight, I think we should all get some rest.”
“Our home is your home, Princess pony.” The Grundle King waved his hand and his subjects ran off toward the village to prepare.
“I take my leave, Princess. Give my regards to your fellow Princesses. I hope to see you again.” Queen Skalla bowed and crept back into the shadows with her brood.
“Girls,” Twilight said, turning back to her friends, “let’s hit the hay.”
The next morning, Twilight rose from her bed, refreshed and ready to face the road home. She gathered her pack along with the rest. Her friends were just as anxious to start the long trip ahead. Yet, one matter still needed attention, and she wasn’t sure how she would address it.
Passing out of her hut, she walked up to the Grundle King and the entourage gathered to set them on their way. “King Grundle, I’ve been trying to think of a way to fix a problem, but I’m not sure I can without your help. We need to find a way for you and your people to share the rocks at the ruins of Paradise Estates with our yeti friend, George. Would you be willing to come with us so we can try and find a solution?”
“No problem. Grundle King do whatever Princess pony ask.” The King nodded to his group and they raced off to gather their equipment. In two shakes of a pony’s tail, they returned with packs on their backs and pickaxes in hand.
“Let’s head out then.” Twilight checked in with her friends. “Girls, it’s time to go home.”
Getting back on the path, the group fell into line as the road crossed into the forest. This time around, the trail was much easier to travel, flat and obstacle-free for the most part. Sunlight filtered down through the bright green leaves of a proud and ancient forest free from the malignant influence of the Smooze.
With all the positive changes evident in every aspect around them, she felt obliged to change the name of the valley back to its previous moniker. No more would this place be known as the Shadow Forest—from now on, Dream Valley would be a place where ponies could feel at home.
They made good time, exiting the forest a little after noon. Rainbow Dash promised she could fly up the pass and bring George down without any trouble, so Twilight let her go. Dash took a few bits of Pinkie’s rock candy with her just in case there was any convincing that needed to be done. About the same time the group reached the garden, George and Rainbow came flying down the pass.
Twilight held firm as George approached. The Grundle King cowered behind, not quite convinced that George would be receptive to their presence. The yeti slowed his approach, confused by the small Trolls that his pony friends had brought to his garden.
“Why you bring them here? Trolls steal rocks. George no like Trolls.” George sat down, momentarily placated by the crunch of Pinkie’s candy rolling around in his mouth.
Twilight pulled the crouching King out from behind her. “George, I want you to meet our friends, the Grundles. They aren’t Trolls and they didn’t know they were stealing your rocks. They were just trying to fix their homes and build a few new ones.” The Grundle King waved a cautious smile at the yeti.
“Why they not ask? George no have problem taking rocks if Trolls ask nice.” Another crunch of the candy deflated the tension between the factions.
Twilight took an elbow to the Grundle King prodding him into action. “Ask him nicely for his rocks,” she whispered.
The King stepped forward and bowed to George as he might have greeted a visiting royal. “Master Yeti, Grundle King ask permission to use rocks. We trade whatever we can.” The King’s assistants stepped forward and emptied a few packs of food in front of George.
George leaned down and sniffed at the vegetables. With a quick snatch of his tongue, he gobbled up part of the offering. “Hmmmm. George like. Grundles take rocks. George eat Grundle food now.”
Applejack burst out laughing. “I can’t believe it. After all that, the answer was that simple? Well I’ll be…”
Twilight made a face at Applejack. “We could use more problems like that, Applejack. Sure beats the Tireks and Smoozes of the world.” Turning back to the King, she shook his hand. “King Grundle, I think you can take it from here. Keep the food coming, and I’m sure George will be more than happy to share his rock garden with you.”
The Grundle King bowed to Twilight. “Thank you, Princess pony. Please come visit Grundleland again real soon. Grundles like having pony friends.”
The King signaled to his men which quickly gathered enough loose rocks to make the repairs they needed and were on their way in minutes. He waved from the path leading back into the forest and Twilight and her friends waved back. George also waved and smiled a toothy grin.
Applejack shook her head and patted the yeti on the back. “Come on George, we’ve got a mountain to climb and a town to turn upside down.” The ponies gathered up what was left of their gear and trotted off up the pass.
It took the rest of the day to scale back up the snowy mountain pass and down the other side. Pinkie Pie offloaded the last of her rock candy to the insatiable George along the way. He made the crossing a breeze, and by nightfall, the entire group marched their way past the stunned tourist crowd milling about in the Rainbow Falls market square. Quickly overcoming the shock of seeing the Princess alive, they fell in around George clamoring to get a close-up view.
The rest of the evening went by in a flash with the locals snapping pictures and setting out a whole new line of yeti-themed bric-a-brac. Applejack found the mare from earlier and gave her heartfelt apology for not believing her story. She even offered to take a picture with the three of them together to commemorate the moment.
The mayor approached Twilight, relaying her gratitude along with a message that Celestia would be waiting for them back in Ponyville. It took some doing to separate the crowd from George, but they finally found a bed and settled in for the night. After a tiring journey, they had no trouble falling asleep. Twilight found the lack of visions especially refreshing.
The morning rolled around and the ponies parted ways with George. Surprisingly, the locals were just as sad to see him head off up the mountain path. Twilight and her group made sure to catch the morning train and soon found themselves in very familiar territory.
Pulling into the station at Ponyville, they all hopped off the train and headed straight for the castle, eager to meet up with the Princess once again. As she passed through town, Twilight found it odd that all the shops looked deserted. It was like the entire town had gone into hiding—similar to the Grundle village prior to the vanquishing of the Smooze. It soon became apparent the reason for the complete lack of ponies in Ponyville proper—everypony was waiting for them just outside the castle doors.
Cheers rang out as the six heroines humbly trotted up the narrow passage separating the exulting chorus to either side. Princess Celestia stood on the castle steps with Princess Luna by her side.
“Princess Twilight,” the familiar voice of Princess Celestia rang out above the crowd, “I knew you could do it!” The voice of the Princess carried over the cheers of the other ponies as Twilight ran to greet her mentor.
Twilight dove into her mane as she wrapped her front legs around her neck. “Princess Celestia! I’m so happy to see you again! You won’t believe what happened to us!” The hug lasted for a bit and then Twilight came down to all fours again.
“I’m pretty sure I already do, and I am forever in your debt, Princess.” Celestia took a step back and bowed her head extending a foreleg out in front of her.
“I, as well, Princess.” Luna did the same, adding a bit of a flourish.
Celestia rose up. “Thank you for saving our father…”
Luna did likewise, completing the phrase, “…and reuniting us with our mother.”
The two Alicorn sisters bent at the front knee and bowed once again, more deeply than before. Twilight and her friends, who had now all gathered on the landing of the castle stairs, gazed around at the gathering of ponies. The entire population of Ponyville, and even some from Canterlot and other towns close by, bowed down before them.
“How did you know?” Twilight wondered aloud. “We only discovered the truth about the Tree of Harmony just the other day.”
“Well, Princess,” Celestia giggled, “you aren’t the only smart pony in Equestria.”
“I was able to spend some time to focus on the vision combined with Starswirl’s story,” Luna added. “My sister and I were able to put the pieces together and decided we should take a closer look at the Tree of Harmony.”
“When we arrived at the Tree,” Celestia continued, “we discovered what had happened. Our minds were opened and a link formed between us. Though you fought miles away, it was as if we were there by your side.”
Luna passed down the line nodding to each pony in turn. “We saw you all in that darkest of moments and sought to lend thee our strength and support. It was the least we could do to help given the circumstances.”
Celestia placed a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Just a small reminder was all you needed. That set you back on your path and you took it from there. We’re so proud of you, Twilight. You are an inspiration to us all!”
The cheers from the crowd began again. Twilight blushed as she turned and waved to the rest of those gathered. She turned back to her friends who also bowed to her. This time she didn’t just return the bow, she ran to her friends and grabbed them all in a giant hug as they fell into a giggling pile.
Spike peeked out from behind the castle door as Twilight’s head poked up from the pile.
“Spike! Where have you been hiding?”
Spike replied cautiously, “Ummm… I was making sure that no pony got into the library…. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“Oh, Spike! You silly dragon you! Get over here and give me a hug!” Twilight got up and ran over to her assistant, giving him the biggest hug of the day. “You’re such a good friend, Spike, and that’s all a pony like me could ever wish for.”
—End of Book One—
(Illustration by crayon-chewer)
Illustrations by:
AssasinMonkey: http://assasinmonkey.deviantart.com/
Crayon-chewer: http://crayon-chewer.deviantart.com/
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Hope you all like my story - please let me know what you think of the overall work here and more specifically in the chapters themselves.
Thanks for reading!!
Thornwing
4684516
Might take a while to burn through 36K plus words. Always interesting to me why some people choose to update all at once, and then others choose a weekly pattern, or whenever they get the chapter done.
Also, is there suppose to be two Chapter Sevens?
People actually finishing their story at release?
This is becoming a new trend...
4684697
I wrote this in just under a week. I hate not being able to finish reading a story once I get into it...
4684671
Good catch - I messed around with my outline and apparently got the numbers messed up.
All fix'd now.
Here's something to consider. If you published each chapter one at a time, once a day, you would end up in the 'Updated Stories' list fifteen times, therefore getting more attention for your fic.
4685396
Well, this is my first story, so I'm still getting the hang of how things work. Thanks for the heads up, and I hope you enjoy reading it.
4685504
Maybe my next story should be an exploration into the economics of pony society.
I've seen them use money - I've seen them barter. I've also seen give/take scenarios.
I think the only thing that is certain from the show perspective is that there isn't a consistent presentation of money and material possession.
In the Twilight case here, I tend to lean towards her not wanting to simply order everyone to give her stuff to fill her new castle. Maybe that's how Celestia got her place up and running, but Twilight is still new to this whole princess thing.
Great story, really. It has everything I expect for a good season 5 premiere. I actually hope that the premiere will be something close to your fic in terms of quality.
Good job, and I'm looking forward to your next fanfic.
4689606
Good to hear you liked it!
I'm starting to outline my next story and it should be at least as long as this one - planning it as a sequel and perhaps a 3rd to follow that - trilogy in the making.
4689728 Nice! Just beware, doing a good trilogy is a hard task.
Just found your story, and will add it to my read later list, work is calling me away. I find your premise interesting and am glad to find new adventure stories. Will read when I can.
Cheers!
great story so fare, really good ideas. ok, so I have to ask, why a Pegasus OC. not that there not great, but its Obvious your a fan of the flying pones, by your picture and name. I myself like unicorns, and was drawn to the show because of the magic aspect. I just want to get other people takes on why they like the other pony/none pony races, and chat a bit.
4732750
Great question! I actually had the name Thornwing from years ago - long before MLP. I first came up with it when I was trying to decide what to name my WoW druid back in 2005. The name has stuck with me ever since.
I wasn't really trying to force my OC into the story, but I did decide to give the character a -very- minor part just for fun.
I'm not really partial to any one type of pony - although Alicorns are the best!
I mainly like the show for the music and the fantasy elements - I'm a big Tolkien, C.S. Lewis kind of fan.
4733109 that makes sense. and yes, alicorns are pretty awesome. I little OP for my taste thought. btw, am I the only one who has been wondering how powerful twilight is know that she has wings? the only magic we really see her doing that's above average is when she has the power off all the alicorns. Im kind of hoping that we get to see what kind of magic tricks she can do know in season 5. last time we saw her above average ability in magic was...I think boast busters. we know that alicorns are powerful, but what I want to know is how much more powerful.
4737892 [youtube=2JlVqfC8-UI]
4738059 its funny because its backwards
really good story. some really good ideas. cant wait to start reading the next one. you even gave me an idea for s new story I have in the works. not really for the plot, but for the characters. if u hadn't said it, I would have never known this was your first story. great job.
I give this story a place on my fav fanfic list, just above Kkats, Fallout Equestrian and Pen Strokes, Past Sins.
you just go 20% cooler
4745681
Thanks for the great feedback - really appreciate it. I'm glad my kooky sense of humor makes sense to someone else.
This idea was constantly in my thoughts ever since the S4 finale aired. I never really thought I would ever write a pony fan fic, but I just couldn't help myself. The story had to be told.
Hope you enjoy reading the next one - it's a little different flavor of story. I tried to spend some more time on the characters and their interactions, but hope I didn't stray too much from the action either.
Thanks again,
Thornwing
And I'm back. I've finished reading through the rest of the story. Not going to go into quite as much detail as I was before, but I will offer a few final thoughts.
Your characters: The best suggestions I can think of here involve Pinkie Pie and Celestia. For Pinkie, you were leaning a little too heavily on food for her characterization. We know she loves sweets, but she's so much more than that. Pinkie Pie is hard to write for because 1) She's random. What she says or does next should rarely make sense. 2) She's obtuse. As in, she could be insulting or frightening somepony else and she wouldn't even know it. Most folks would have a social sense to know when to shut up, but she's lacking that. Which is even more contrasting because of 3) She lives for other ponies. Their happiness and smiles are her main concern, even though she herself is not entirely sure what makes other ponies tick. She's got a good handle on what other ponies find funny, but she doesn't know where the line is.
As for Celestia, she didn't seem to have quite the matronly core that I'd expect from the eternal keeper of the sun. She's lived a long time, she's seen practically everything. Even when Chrysalis bested her in combat, which my personal headcanon believes she threw the fight on purpose for some higher reason, Celestia never lost her cool. When she saw her own sister again for the first time in a thousand years, she didn't get all teary-eyed or leap forwards into a hug. Luna did that. She merely smiled. Celestia's primary characterization, I would say, should be mature and unshakeable.
Other than that, I found your characterization to be well done. I'm hesitant about whether Fluttershy's fear or her caring nature would take top priority. She does prefer to hide under a table, but I'm not sure she would abandon another pony's well-being to do that. Still, as I said, I'd be on the fence about that so I think she worked out okay here. Rarity making googly eyes was a nice touch, though I'd have added a bit of back-and-forth there. By which I mean wordplay, get your mind out of the gutter. You know, some conversation with the dashing knight to give him and Rarity a bit more depth. Rainbow Dash's rather stupid charge was... yeah, pretty like her, but I'm not sure she'd be so quick to tears. Anger is more her go-to emotion.
The story concept is very good. We could use a little more backstory on the Tree of Harmony and the princesses, so the idea of alicorn parents is an excellent direction. The introduction of the Smooze as the main antagonist is a good choice, but I think I'd have liked to see a little more visual explanation as to why it was so dangerous. We got the king's word that it'd been sapping his power, but we didn't see what it did with that power that was so worthy of our worry. Perhaps our showdown could have taken place in a large abandoned castle in the woods, one that looked obviously war-torn and given some glimpse at the scale of the battle these ponies from the past fought to an eventual draw. Then, in the present, the Smooze could have begun taking over the castle as a whole, and we'd get a sense of just how dangerous it really was as it literally ate a defensive structure before our eyes.
Another note on detail. I love detail. The smallest of nitty-gritty elements of the world can make huge impacts on how well it draws in a reader. There is a limit, of course, and more isn't always better (see George Lucas' Shadow Dawn series as an example of too much detail), but I would have liked to see a little more here. An example off the top of my head, the Grundles. I don't really know much about them. I don't know if they're hunchbacked and green, I don't know if they have warts, I don't know if they wear sacks or loincloths or leather jerkins. I know they're troll-like, and that the king wears a mushroom, but that's not enough to paint a real picture in my mind. Troll has many different definitions, after all. It could be the long-limbed, lanky savages of Azeroth, or it could be the pudgy and short stone singers of Frozen. What you want as a writer is that the reader sees what you see.
At the end of the day, I believe you've got a strong start here. You've got a story concept in your mind, one that is engaging and doesn't throw logic or canon to the dogs, and you're able to tell it with a good amount of clarity. There's plenty of room for improvement, but there always will be. I enjoyed reading your story and I will definitely check out your next.
Thanks for writing,
-Hack
4807013
AMAZING feedback!
Thank you so much for all the detailed analysis. This was my first shot at writing a story of this size and I completed the entire thing before I even found this site. I really appreciate the in-depth feedback.
It's also cool you enjoyed the story! The second one should show a lot of improvements, and I think, is even better.
Thanks again,
Thornwing
Just so readers are aware - I'm working on updating this story.
It's been over a month now since I wrote it and many things have hopefully improved with my writing skills now that I'm working on major story number three.
I also have a few proofreaders taking a look at it. There are a number of little things need editing - sorry for the original mess. I'll get it cleaned up as quick as I can.
4875175 The comics have a lot to say about Starswirl's relationship with Celestia and Luna growing up. It may be a bit of parallel word syndrome, but I choose to think he was still very influential around the time of the princesses ascendance to the throne.
Alright; after going all Captain Planet on the Smooze (TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERF
KER!!!), Twilight and the gang head back to the shrine, and we see that Brightwing and his friends are once again statues and a tree. Only this time, the tree is in full health.
Ah, man! I was hoping for an awesome reunion between father, mother, and daughters....
I mean, we were literally just introduced to these characters, and we already have to say good-bye to them...
Well, I'm certainly sad to see them go, but hey; this seems to be a kind of mercy for them; I mean, it would have been extremely awkward for them to have to adjust to modern Equestria; I remember how awkward it was for Luna.
Wait; aging. What? What!? When did that start happening!? We didn't get any heads-up about that at all! Of course we didn't notice, Twilight, because it was never mentioned in the text! The stuff that the characters notice you need to at least hint at in the text! (Writing: -1)
So they pay their respects to the ancient heroes, stay the night in the Grundle village, head back to Equestria (taking a stop back at George's place).
When they arrive at Ponyville, they are greeted with the entire town at the castle gates, along with Princess Celestia and Luna.
How do you know that? Did you read the part of the script you weren't supposed to?
So THERE'S the explanation to the Deus Ex Machina.
Well, at least Celestia and Luna got to see their mother one more time... Who knew that she was the one who created the Elements of Harmony in the first place?
So we end with Twilight grouping with her friends and Spike being a little late for the party.
And that's The Evolution of Harmony. What did I think?
I thought it was pretty good. We get a story addressing several potent issues that have gone through the fandom: there's Twilight's castle playing an important role, and we get some more exposition on the Alicorns; specifically, Celestia's and Luna's parents. The overall plot was pretty interesting, the writing was very well done, and the references are just genius!
now, the humor was there, so I have to critique it. And, in my opinion, it could have been done a little better. While several of the jokes did make me laugh, just as many others just died, mostly because of how difficult Pinkie Pie is to write; she was written a little too much towards the food-loving side of her, and that's not the only way she can be random.
Fluttershy was also a bit of a problem; She may be a coward at times, but she acts on her compassion just as often as she does her fear, and she was focused more towards her fear than anything else in this story.
The Smooze itself could have been flushed out a little better; if I wasn't aware of its role in the G1 movie it originated in, I wouldn't have been intimidated by it. It wasn't really explained fully as to what this stuff is truly capable of. While I love the throwback, I think it could have been done a little better.
The final battle against the Smooze follows to how the show usually defeats its villains, which is good. But personally, I like to see more original methods to the villain being defeated (meaning I prefer an actual battle rather than a one-hit KO). And that power boost they got at the end is going on my shelves of Deus Ex Machina solutions along with a handful of others.
And while I know there IS a sequel to this story, I can't count those bonus points because it doesn't really hint at the sequel in the story itself.
The story was great, the writing was well done, the humor was...okay, and the ending was decent. All in all, this story wasn't too bad, even for an author's first story.
Sunlight Blaze's official ratings:
Story: A- (9.1)
Writing: A (9.4)
Humor: C (7.3)
Ending: B- (8.1)
Overall: B (8.475)
I'm Sunlight Blaze, and thanks for watching! *Teleports*
Dear Thornwing,
I, EDC5, like your story, The Evolution of Harmony, because you have the Grundles reappear and are hospitable to the ponies.
I think it would be good if the Grundles had a series of their own. What do you think?
I believe we should give the Grundles characters individual names. Shall we work together on creating names?
Perhaps they could have crossovers in the Grundles series such as with Ben10, He Men and the Masters of the Universe 2002 and finally Scooby Doo.
Do you think those crossovers would be good?
Have you thought of submitting your story to Hasbro?
I would like to work with you as a partner in developing ideas for the reappearance of the Grundles. Would you like to work with me?
Please contact me. Thank you.
EDC5
Much improved. It is always a pleasure to see an author put in this amount of effort to polishing their story. Have a like and a ribbon.
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
5346867
Thank you kind Sir!
5346963
You are very welcome
*eyetwitch* The... Smooze... *flashbacks to the awful movie he had to sit through...* I HATE YOU ALL!!!! *launches all the nukes on Earth and wipes out the human race... then the machines take over and both Terminator and The Matrix happen simultaneously.*
Clearly, this is all your fault.
5509349
PresentPerfect had a similar reaction, but his was more along the lines of: "Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!"
5509415 Go watch the movie.
Then you will understand the madness.
5509470
Lol - I've seen it. It's what the entire story here is based on.
Dream Castle, Smooze, Grundles, Flutter Ponies, Paradise Estates... even the spider comes from that in an updated fashion.
5509480 You have seen The Movie Which Shall Not Be Named, and STILL partook in its abominations?!
THOU ART CONSUMED BY AN EVIL SPIRIT OF BAD MOVIES!!!
Thou must have be thrown into the Pit of Bitter Movie Critics forever and ever!
5563900
I assume by your avatar that you are partial to Spike. Unfortunately, his role in the story is marginalized, as is the case in the show itself for the most part.
There is a little bit of redemption in the end, but I don't think it would be enough to encourage you to finish reading if that was your only motivation. Book two gives him a bit stronger role, and I have a bit of a surprise waiting at the end of book three.
Glad you liked the opening.
Well done,
s6.postimg.org/dd47s96ap/Pirate_Approved.jpg
5564232 Balancing Spike with the rest of the mane six is never my "only" motivation, but it's always my key motivation.
5612904
The good kind! I think they may have something to do with rainbows.
Amazing story! Very good way of tying in the past MLP universe. I really like this backstory/theory of Celestia and Luna's parents and the Alicorn race and the G1 world. Almost feel like I just read the script for a new Pony movie. (Seriously, according to the leaked info on the 2017 movie, this fits the bill very well to what they are trying to make).
Although, the Season 5 reintroduction of the Smooze back into the cannon messes this all up....but hell, Hasbro and the gang love to change things up and contradict the past MLP universe canon.
Thanks for the exciting read!
6071369
Seeing as you've already read 35k into it, you might as well finish the last 6k - it does explain a lot about the parts that you find confusing as that was the main point of the whole story. They go off on an adventure without all the pieces laid out for them and learn what they need to do almost in hindsight.
While it's by no means perfect, I'd like to think we have something working here that isn't going to follow a simple find a problem/solve a problem pattern. The last two chapters are what brings it all together.
If nothing else, I thank you for your time in reading as far as you did as well as giving your honest feedback. Always appreciated.
Queens get the title of "Majesty." "Highness" is for princesses. In fact, Twilight addressed the Queen as Majesty earlier in the story.
D'awww, a happy ending befitting of the show. Almost makes me wish it didn't have any sequels, as it's closed off enough now without any loose plot threads left dangling.
I did enjoy this story very muchly. Thank you for the read.
You can has review!
The shortness of this story, hides a fun little short adventure, and that is not a problem really. The characters, the story, and the fun of it all just fit into a perfect little ball. IT actually felt like a good plot for the movie.
GOOD STORY GOOD STORY just a shame the rainbow powers are so corny (seriously it looks like they all got plastered one night passed out and trollestia toook permanent markers to their bodys and faces
The Mane Six undertake an epic adventure in unknown (ish) lands? Count me in! I did like the way you used G1 stories as background, and the interesting take on the Tree of Harmony. Fluttershy seemed a tad one-dimensional, and I wish Twilight hadn't used the word "girls" quite so often, but the late chapters in particular made great reading. Have a like. :)
Yay happy endings!
Time to search for this "Book two" of yours!