Just a little, old baby kitty...
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Far in the West, beyond the borders of the kingdom, an old evil has awoken. With the fate of Equestria hanging in the balance, Twilight must unlock the secrets of the past in order to preserve what remains of her future.
Edited by PresentPerfect and ocalhoun.
Special thanks to SirTruffles for his reviews. Without his feedback, I wouldn't have made it this far.
-cover art by AssasinMonkey, used with permission
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Hope you all like my story - please let me know what you think of the overall work here and more specifically in the chapters themselves.
Thanks for reading!!
Thornwing
4684516
Might take a while to burn through 36K plus words. Always interesting to me why some people choose to update all at once, and then others choose a weekly pattern, or whenever they get the chapter done.
Also, is there suppose to be two Chapter Sevens?
People actually finishing their story at release?
This is becoming a new trend...
4684697
I wrote this in just under a week. I hate not being able to finish reading a story once I get into it...
4684671
Good catch - I messed around with my outline and apparently got the numbers messed up.
All fix'd now.
Here's something to consider. If you published each chapter one at a time, once a day, you would end up in the 'Updated Stories' list fifteen times, therefore getting more attention for your fic.
4685396
Well, this is my first story, so I'm still getting the hang of how things work. Thanks for the heads up, and I hope you enjoy reading it.
4685504
Maybe my next story should be an exploration into the economics of pony society.
I've seen them use money - I've seen them barter. I've also seen give/take scenarios.
I think the only thing that is certain from the show perspective is that there isn't a consistent presentation of money and material possession.
In the Twilight case here, I tend to lean towards her not wanting to simply order everyone to give her stuff to fill her new castle. Maybe that's how Celestia got her place up and running, but Twilight is still new to this whole princess thing.
I see what you did there
Great story, really. It has everything I expect for a good season 5 premiere. I actually hope that the premiere will be something close to your fic in terms of quality.
Good job, and I'm looking forward to your next fanfic.
4689606
Good to hear you liked it!
I'm starting to outline my next story and it should be at least as long as this one - planning it as a sequel and perhaps a 3rd to follow that - trilogy in the making.
4689728 Nice! Just beware, doing a good trilogy is a hard task.
Just found your story, and will add it to my read later list, work is calling me away. I find your premise interesting and am glad to find new adventure stories. Will read when I can.
Cheers!
great story so fare, really good ideas. ok, so I have to ask, why a Pegasus OC. not that there not great, but its Obvious your a fan of the flying pones, by your picture and name. I myself like unicorns, and was drawn to the show because of the magic aspect. I just want to get other people takes on why they like the other pony/none pony races, and chat a bit.
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Great question! I actually had the name Thornwing from years ago - long before MLP. I first came up with it when I was trying to decide what to name my WoW druid back in 2005. The name has stuck with me ever since.
I wasn't really trying to force my OC into the story, but I did decide to give the character a -very- minor part just for fun.
I'm not really partial to any one type of pony - although Alicorns are the best!
I mainly like the show for the music and the fantasy elements - I'm a big Tolkien, C.S. Lewis kind of fan.
4733109 that makes sense. and yes, alicorns are pretty awesome. I little OP for my taste thought. btw, am I the only one who has been wondering how powerful twilight is know that she has wings? the only magic we really see her doing that's above average is when she has the power off all the alicorns. Im kind of hoping that we get to see what kind of magic tricks she can do know in season 5. last time we saw her above average ability in magic was...I think boast busters. we know that alicorns are powerful, but what I want to know is how much more powerful.
omg, that's funny
go George the yeti!
4737892 [youtube=2JlVqfC8-UI]
4738059 its funny because its backwards
Well...that's a thing...that just... happened
. I'll come back when I get over the shock.
Didn't see that coming. omg the queen and king where trees
, best thing EVER!
all I could think of after reading this was when Flutershy said "I wish I was a tree."
really good story. some really good ideas. cant wait to start reading the next one. you even gave me an idea for s new story I have in the works. not really for the plot, but for the characters. if u hadn't said it, I would have never known this was your first story. great job.
I give this story a place on my fav fanfic list, just above Kkats, Fallout Equestrian and Pen Strokes, Past Sins.
you just go 20% cooler
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Thanks for the great feedback - really appreciate it. I'm glad my kooky sense of humor makes sense to someone else.
This idea was constantly in my thoughts ever since the S4 finale aired. I never really thought I would ever write a pony fan fic, but I just couldn't help myself. The story had to be told.
Hope you enjoy reading the next one - it's a little different flavor of story. I tried to spend some more time on the characters and their interactions, but hope I didn't stray too much from the action either.
Thanks again,
Thornwing
Okay, thoughts on chapter 4: Still a capitalization problem. Most nouns should be lowercase and only proper names should be capitalized. Example: I am talking of the equestrian capital of Canterlot, just as I'd say the american capital of Washington. Or, I could say Canterlot, the capital of Equestria. The same with species. We talk of ourselves as humans, not as Humans, so we would talk of unicorns instead of Unicorns. That's the last I'll say on that.
As for punctuation, commas should be used for sentence breaks and pauses for words added into the middle of a sentence. I'll use one of yours here, copy and pasted: Ambassador Brightwing saw the magical twister spout the poor unicorn into the sky and without hesitation, he flew to her aid. See, this is two sentences put together, and the comma should be the glue. So it should be Ambassador Brightwing saw the magical twister spout the poor unicorn into the sky, and without hesitation he flew to her aid. So we have two sentences here with the comma between.
Now, we can also add some additional commas, which is what I believe you were trying for, if we use the words without hesitation as words added to a sentence for additional effect. So if we assume the barebones of that sentence to be 'he flew to her aid', then the full story would be: Ambassador Brightwing saw the magical twister spout the poor unicorn into the sky, and, without hesitation, he flew to her aid. Note that it does add pauses to beef up the importance of the without hesitation, but it's really not necessary to the structure of the sentence as a whole. I'd stick with just the single comma putting the two sentences together.
Onto the content. Again, I don't have much of a problem here. It's a good origin story, as origins go, save for one minor plot point. Alicorns are supposed to be a combination of all three pony species, not just two. Even if earth ponies don't look any different than wingless pegasi or hornless unicorns, they still are a different species with different abilities. Still, though a legendary love triangle might make for an interesting story, it'd be difficult to pull off. For the sake of a simplistic narrative, I'm willing to suspend disbelief on earth pony inclusion.
I'm out of time tonight. I hope my suggestions are helpful. I'll try to read through the rest of the story tomorrow, and give an overall comment on the final chapter.
And I'm back. I've finished reading through the rest of the story. Not going to go into quite as much detail as I was before, but I will offer a few final thoughts.
Your characters: The best suggestions I can think of here involve Pinkie Pie and Celestia. For Pinkie, you were leaning a little too heavily on food for her characterization. We know she loves sweets, but she's so much more than that. Pinkie Pie is hard to write for because 1) She's random. What she says or does next should rarely make sense. 2) She's obtuse. As in, she could be insulting or frightening somepony else and she wouldn't even know it. Most folks would have a social sense to know when to shut up, but she's lacking that. Which is even more contrasting because of 3) She lives for other ponies. Their happiness and smiles are her main concern, even though she herself is not entirely sure what makes other ponies tick. She's got a good handle on what other ponies find funny, but she doesn't know where the line is.
As for Celestia, she didn't seem to have quite the matronly core that I'd expect from the eternal keeper of the sun. She's lived a long time, she's seen practically everything. Even when Chrysalis bested her in combat, which my personal headcanon believes she threw the fight on purpose for some higher reason, Celestia never lost her cool. When she saw her own sister again for the first time in a thousand years, she didn't get all teary-eyed or leap forwards into a hug. Luna did that. She merely smiled. Celestia's primary characterization, I would say, should be mature and unshakeable.
Other than that, I found your characterization to be well done. I'm hesitant about whether Fluttershy's fear or her caring nature would take top priority. She does prefer to hide under a table, but I'm not sure she would abandon another pony's well-being to do that. Still, as I said, I'd be on the fence about that so I think she worked out okay here. Rarity making googly eyes was a nice touch, though I'd have added a bit of back-and-forth there. By which I mean wordplay, get your mind out of the gutter. You know, some conversation with the dashing knight to give him and Rarity a bit more depth. Rainbow Dash's rather stupid charge was... yeah, pretty like her, but I'm not sure she'd be so quick to tears. Anger is more her go-to emotion.
The story concept is very good. We could use a little more backstory on the Tree of Harmony and the princesses, so the idea of alicorn parents is an excellent direction. The introduction of the Smooze as the main antagonist is a good choice, but I think I'd have liked to see a little more visual explanation as to why it was so dangerous. We got the king's word that it'd been sapping his power, but we didn't see what it did with that power that was so worthy of our worry. Perhaps our showdown could have taken place in a large abandoned castle in the woods, one that looked obviously war-torn and given some glimpse at the scale of the battle these ponies from the past fought to an eventual draw. Then, in the present, the Smooze could have begun taking over the castle as a whole, and we'd get a sense of just how dangerous it really was as it literally ate a defensive structure before our eyes.
Another note on detail. I love detail. The smallest of nitty-gritty elements of the world can make huge impacts on how well it draws in a reader. There is a limit, of course, and more isn't always better (see George Lucas' Shadow Dawn series as an example of too much detail), but I would have liked to see a little more here. An example off the top of my head, the Grundles. I don't really know much about them. I don't know if they're hunchbacked and green, I don't know if they have warts, I don't know if they wear sacks or loincloths or leather jerkins. I know they're troll-like, and that the king wears a mushroom, but that's not enough to paint a real picture in my mind. Troll has many different definitions, after all. It could be the long-limbed, lanky savages of Azeroth, or it could be the pudgy and short stone singers of Frozen. What you want as a writer is that the reader sees what you see.
At the end of the day, I believe you've got a strong start here. You've got a story concept in your mind, one that is engaging and doesn't throw logic or canon to the dogs, and you're able to tell it with a good amount of clarity. There's plenty of room for improvement, but there always will be. I enjoyed reading your story and I will definitely check out your next.
Thanks for writing,
-Hack
4807013
AMAZING feedback!
Thank you so much for all the detailed analysis. This was my first shot at writing a story of this size and I completed the entire thing before I even found this site. I really appreciate the in-depth feedback.
It's also cool you enjoyed the story! The second one should show a lot of improvements, and I think, is even better.
Thanks again,
Thornwing
Just so readers are aware - I'm working on updating this story.
It's been over a month now since I wrote it and many things have hopefully improved with my writing skills now that I'm working on major story number three.
I also have a few proofreaders taking a look at it. There are a number of little things need editing - sorry for the original mess. I'll get it cleaned up as quick as I can.
An interesting bit of back-story. The only issue is that Star Swirl was Clover the Clever's Master, so I'm not sure if it's plausible that he would be around in the post-Exodus time period.
4875175 The comics have a lot to say about Starswirl's relationship with Celestia and Luna growing up. It may be a bit of parallel word syndrome, but I choose to think he was still very influential around the time of the princesses ascendance to the throne.
........Well, that was creepy...
Put simply, this chapter is one big exposition dump. But that doesn't mean it was bad; in fact, this kind of exposition was actually kind of needed. Not only does it introduce us to Celestia and Luna's parents, but it also shows the author's headcanons, which is, for the most part, what MLP fanfictions about such subjects are all about; getting our opinions and theories on them out there for others to see.
Taking into consideration official statements by Meghan McCarthy and how Twilight and Cadence became Alicorns, we can conclude that Brightwing and Una, while the first Alicorns, were not Immortal Alicorns like Celestia and Luna are. That's a little mind-boggling for a reader who knows these facts. Unless your headcanon is that all Alicorns are immortal, regardless of their origins, and I can respect your opinion.
So, when they're finished with the book, they unanimously decide to take this up with the princesses. Uh, heck yeah! Starswirl kept this information from them their entire lives, so I think they're going to want to know who their parents are and what fate befell them!
......But, something tells me that, by the end of this, something bad is going to happen......
So they begin packing for their trip.
Sheesh, Twilight; Celestia is really rubbing off on you...
After telling Spike to watch over the castle, Twilight heads to the train station and we get some Rarity luggage shenanigans.
*sigh* Okay, I'm going to say this right now: My least favorite out of the Mane Six is Rarity. And THIS is one prime example of why. (Good impression, by the way. Writing: +1)
So they finally convince Rarity to lighten her load and they begin the train ride to Canterlot. Twilight ends up reading the ancient book the entire time (I'm assuming she's trying to memorize it).
They arrive and bring the book to the Princesses, still in Luna's room. After questioning whether or not they should try to read it, Luna attempts to open the book.
So Twilight offers to recite the book, since she spent the time on the train to memorize it (NEEEEERD!!!!!!), but Celestia trusts in Starswirl's judgment in hiding the information from her and Luna. (Personally, I'd be offended that my teacher and freaking foster parent withheld information from me pertaining to my own flesh and blood!)
Anyway, so Celestia tells Twilight that she trusts her completely to make the right decision and the Mane Six leave to accomplish the task they have been set with...
...Okay, since Celestia doesn't exactly tell, I'm guessing that their task is to locate Celestia and Luna's parents.
Interesting story so far. I actually like how you portrayed Starswirl as very thorough with his protection spells, though I think destroying the book was a bit much...
Oh well; it's your story; I can't change it; I'm just here to criticize it where I can. NEXT CHAPTER!!!
So Celestia fills in for Luna in the passing of the day, and the Mane Six take the rest of the day off in their own personal rooms at the castle.
Twilight has a vision, starting with her flying across Equestria, and her stopping near the Tree of Harmony.
Okay, so this disembodied, feminine voice completes the sentence that Luna was originally forming when she was stuck in the dreamscape.
okay, so it's official: They're going to go search for Brightwing, former King of Equestria!
Unfortunately, when Twilight wakes up and she relates this detail to her friends, none of them realize this little detail. I made the connection because I'm a genre-savvy reader who loves adventure stories, and these characters are rather oblivious and not very genre-savvy, just as they are in the show. (Writing: +1)
So Twilight informs Celestia of her vision and the Princess officially sends them on a quest into what is now called the Land of Shadow. Well, that's not foreboding at all. (Unsubtle sarcasm)
They are given a map of Equestria (I've actually yet to see one that is reliable until now. Good job!) and are sent to the Royal Guard barracks to be outfitted with proper attire - AKA horseshoes - for their journey. I wonder how it actually feels for horses to have permanent hoofwear on...
Rarity, when are you going to realize that not everything is about looks? They're supposed to make the long journey more bearable for your hooves! Or would you rather get constant hoofaches along the way? We ALL know how THAT would turn out for our heroins:
Not too great.
And with that, our heroins set off on their long journey.
This is something that the show sorely needs: an adventure plot. "Dragonshy" doesn't count; that was just one episode. I'm talking about an entire season devoted to one epic journey surrounding a single goal, because for the most part, you could watch the episodes of any given season in pretty much any order and the finale will still make sense. That's what they need for Season Five: something where you will actually have to watch them in the order they are released to form one major plotline. Many authors have made adaptations like this, but this one is thus far the most interesting I've seen. (Story: +5)
Okay, so we begin this chapter on the train, and quickly transition to Rainbow Falls village. After a short conversation with the mayor (who seems a bit pretentious about her village), she gives the Mane Six directions up the Black Mountains: they have to take King's Pass.
Wait...King's Pass? Did I read that right? *double checks* Yep, I read that right.
Let's see...King Brightwing left for the Western Mountains, and the only safe path up them is called "King's Pass"...
After taking a day to rest and ensure of their supplies, they head up through the pass.
Okay, this starts out as a dark cave, to a grassy path, to a frozen trail all in the span of a few sentences! I'm trying to listen to background music fitting the location, and this is making it impossible! (not complaining here, I actually like the drastic changes.)
As they travel up, they are constantly assailed by a massive blizzard. As they near the top, they are stopped by a Yeti. After a short action scene, Pinkie throws something at the Yeti, who eats her projectile, and it turns out it was a rock candy.
So THAT'S what Pinkie Pie brought along!
This is vaguely similar to that scene with Fluttershy and the Manticore in the second episode of the series...
So Twilight asks George for directions, and they learn they are actually close to the summit. And after seeing Fluttershy practically frozen (from her personality, one can judge that she doesn't get out a lot to eat, so she'd probably be a freaking twig if she was human, so it's understandable that she'd be the first to suffer from hypothermia), George takes them to his cave.
Okay, so the first leg of this chapter is a lot of travelling and not a lot of doing sh
t.
They bid George farewell and traverse down the western side of the mountain and immediately come to the Shadow Forest, and.....I once thought the Everfree Forest was the creepiest place in Equestria. While it technically still is, THIS place tops even that!
So, after denying Rarity's suggestion that they should have a flier above the canopy, they enter the forest.
After a few hours of traveling, they stop at a clearing to camp for the night.
My thoughts exactly, A.J.
So after having roasted apples for dinner (...I'll have to try that someday...) they all get to bed.
Twilight and Applejack have a short conversation about what they're supposed to do in this forest, and they have no clue what it is they're supposed to be looking for.
The next morning, they set out again. This time they have some sort of heading in that they need to find this hill in the middle of the forest.
Along the way, they group ends up getting separated by obstacles; Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rainbow end up farther along the path than the other three. Rarity must be having a hissy fit by now...
The non-fliers come across a couple of trolls, and of course Rarity zips out of there like a speeding bullet. At the time, A.J. was helping Pinkie Pie over a fallen log and just happened to be in Rarity's way. Applejack is thrown to the side and we close with her getting trapped in a net trap.
Cliffhanger!!!!!!
So Applejack wakes up to Twilight's voice.
Wait, what? "Doctor?" What, was there some kind of city in that forest?
So, it turns out those weren't trolls, but Grundles, smaller cousins of trolls. And they're a lot friendlier, too. So, it seems these Grundles happened across the Mane Six and took them in. And now they're before the King.
So they get to the shrine and the King leaves them to do their thing.....what exactly that is is beyond even me.
Okay, new music.
When they approach, they notice the tree......has seen better days. And what's that purple goo all over the lower part of the trunk?
So, after saving Fluttershy, the group turns their attention to the statues.
.........I think those statues are former-Element bearers. If just touching it triggered R.D.'s Rainbow Power (Mega Evolution! Mega powerful!), then something tells me they all need to follow suit.
Okay, after Rainbow Dash suddenly triggers her Rainbow Mega Evolution, the statue she brushed against cracks and breaks, to reveal a Pegasus guard..wearing outdated Royal Guard armor...
.........I'm honestly not sure what to say here; either I should say "good job for making something like this happen" or to try and make a joke here......... The first would be too bland, and I can't think of a funny joke for this part...... uuuummmmmmmmmm......moving on.
So the rest of the Mane Six release the remaining guards one by one while going through some shenanigans in figuring out exactly how to do it.
Hahaha! *silly voice* Pony get hurt is funny!
It's Pinkie Pie; don't question it.
So, once all six guards are released, the first one wakes up enough to speak. And what he says is...rather foreboding...
The plot thickens; the suspense builds; the audience wants more; this is a great story so far! I can't find a single thing wrong with it. (besides the rare spelling and punctuation errors...very rare)
Okay, so shortly after they free the knights, the tree suddenly bursts into flames. Y'know, cause something bad has to happen.
They get everypony clear just in time before the tree explodes.
Enter villain.
Flying and magic...an evil Alicorn! wait...."Brownish green"? *looks at Thronwing's avatar* Is that supposed to be you? I've never met anyone who's self-insert was made the villain. But I digress. BOSS BATTLE!!! (Links like this lead to the background music that I think should play if this were a video game. Yes, I'm a video game fanatic.)
After a short fight scene, Twilight's last attack sends this...rather sickly looking Alicorn spiraling into the forest, and she heads back to check on everypony.
Okay, to summarize the next scene: two thousand years ago, the King and his six guards were battling a great evil that had risen up in the west; they were forced into this shrine, Brightwing, as a last-ditch effort, cast a spell that sealed away the evil, along with himself and his fellow ponies. And now that the spell has been broken, it seems that the gooey substance has infected Brightwing and corrupted him. (I still say it was the Smooze from that G1 movie.)
So now they have to find a way to purify the King before he can cause some serious harm, to the world or himself.
Nice throwback! (I personally liked that episode; it was great character development for Fluttershy, which is saying something.)
So they follow Brightwing into the Shadow Forest, and find him struggling against the corruption.
1--- So Brightwing's dark side has an identical appearance AND name to you? Okay, I would make a certain "The Incredibles" reference, but I already did that earlier in this story, so I'm just going to move on.
2--- I knew it.....it was the Smooze... I have only ever seen this done one other time; Before this, I have only ever read a Friendship is Magic fanfiction that utilized the Smooze ONCE!!! That story is titled "Wings of Fate", by user Nanoman94 on www.fanfiction.net.
And now to see another story utilizing this ancient and nearly-forgotten detail from the original My Little Pony, THIS IS AWESOME!!! (Story: +10)
So after considering their options, the Mane Six go Captain Planet on Thornwing and destroy the Smooze's influence on the King and healing his broken wing. Cue music.
So we get a more in-depth explanation of what happened two thousand years ago: the Smooze was created by the Trolls of the Land of Darkness, and Brightwing took his six closest friends to destroy it. The whole time, he and Queen Una shared a powerful link that allowed them to communicate, so she knew all this was happening. In the end, Brightwing and Una were forced to cast the Spell of Harmony, transforming themselves into the two Trees of Harmony......
......It's too easy......
Wait......if the spell has broken here, and Brightwing has been revived, then wouldn't it stand to reason that Una was released from the Tree of Harmony back in the Everfree Forest? So it's going to end up being an Alicorn family reunion!!!
Unfortunately, when Twilight suggests they head back to Canterlot, Brightwing shoots that out of the sky, saying they have to deal with the Smooze first. So they head back to the Shrine to regroup with the six knights.
For an exposition dump, that actually wasn't that bad. And that chapter title.....
So they all work together to set up defenses for their final stand against the Smooze, which is approaching right now. Once the defenses are set up....
*rereads*
What!?
*rereads again*
You said it yourself that the Smooze has grown significantly stronger than last time, feeding off YOUR strength! You are weaker while it is stronger, and when you fought it at your FULL STRENGTH, all you were able to do was seal it away! And now you're turning down assistance from the most powerful group of friends in Equestria!?
If it was me there, here's what'd be happening:
But, unfortunately, Twilight eventually gives and convinces the girls to leave and they begin their trip to Canterlot.
Rainbow Dash stops and looks back at the battle.
Y'know, I feel her. When my friends are in trouble and I'm unable to help them, it just tears me apart. I can totally relate to her fee-----
SONIC RAINBOOM!!!!!!
Shoulda seen that coming from RD...
Okay, I'm not going to beat around the bush here; I'm just going to give the musics that I think pertain to each part of this final boss battle!
Rainbow Dash FILLY-ROOOOOY JENKINS!!!
Final Boss: Smooze phase 1 (Rainbow Power failure):
Final Boss: Smooze phase 2 (Evolved Elements of Harmony):
Yes, I enjoy video game music. A lot. Seriously, I don't have a favorite band or anything; I listen ONLY to video game music! (Okay, that's not true; I enjoy Ozzie Osborn. A little.)
Alright; after going all Captain Planet on the Smooze (TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERF
KER!!!), Twilight and the gang head back to the shrine, and we see that Brightwing and his friends are once again statues and a tree. Only this time, the tree is in full health.
Ah, man! I was hoping for an awesome reunion between father, mother, and daughters....
I mean, we were literally just introduced to these characters, and we already have to say good-bye to them...
Well, I'm certainly sad to see them go, but hey; this seems to be a kind of mercy for them; I mean, it would have been extremely awkward for them to have to adjust to modern Equestria; I remember how awkward it was for Luna.
Wait; aging. What? What!? When did that start happening!? We didn't get any heads-up about that at all! Of course we didn't notice, Twilight, because it was never mentioned in the text! The stuff that the characters notice you need to at least hint at in the text! (Writing: -1)
So they pay their respects to the ancient heroes, stay the night in the Grundle village, head back to Equestria (taking a stop back at George's place).
When they arrive at Ponyville, they are greeted with the entire town at the castle gates, along with Princess Celestia and Luna.
How do you know that? Did you read the part of the script you weren't supposed to?
So THERE'S the explanation to the Deus Ex Machina.
Well, at least Celestia and Luna got to see their mother one more time... Who knew that she was the one who created the Elements of Harmony in the first place?
So we end with Twilight grouping with her friends and Spike being a little late for the party.
And that's The Evolution of Harmony. What did I think?
I thought it was pretty good. We get a story addressing several potent issues that have gone through the fandom: there's Twilight's castle playing an important role, and we get some more exposition on the Alicorns; specifically, Celestia's and Luna's parents. The overall plot was pretty interesting, the writing was very well done, and the references are just genius!
now, the humor was there, so I have to critique it. And, in my opinion, it could have been done a little better. While several of the jokes did make me laugh, just as many others just died, mostly because of how difficult Pinkie Pie is to write; she was written a little too much towards the food-loving side of her, and that's not the only way she can be random.
Fluttershy was also a bit of a problem; She may be a coward at times, but she acts on her compassion just as often as she does her fear, and she was focused more towards her fear than anything else in this story.
The Smooze itself could have been flushed out a little better; if I wasn't aware of its role in the G1 movie it originated in, I wouldn't have been intimidated by it. It wasn't really explained fully as to what this stuff is truly capable of. While I love the throwback, I think it could have been done a little better.
The final battle against the Smooze follows to how the show usually defeats its villains, which is good. But personally, I like to see more original methods to the villain being defeated (meaning I prefer an actual battle rather than a one-hit KO). And that power boost they got at the end is going on my shelves of Deus Ex Machina solutions along with a handful of others.
And while I know there IS a sequel to this story, I can't count those bonus points because it doesn't really hint at the sequel in the story itself.
The story was great, the writing was well done, the humor was...okay, and the ending was decent. All in all, this story wasn't too bad, even for an author's first story.
Sunlight Blaze's official ratings:
Story: A- (9.1)
Writing: A (9.4)
Humor: C (7.3)
Ending: B- (8.1)
Overall: B (8.475)
I'm Sunlight Blaze, and thanks for watching! *Teleports*
Dear Thornwing,
I, EDC5, like your story, The Evolution of Harmony, because you have the Grundles reappear and are hospitable to the ponies.
I think it would be good if the Grundles had a series of their own. What do you think?
I believe we should give the Grundles characters individual names. Shall we work together on creating names?
Perhaps they could have crossovers in the Grundles series such as with Ben10, He Men and the Masters of the Universe 2002 and finally Scooby Doo.
Do you think those crossovers would be good?
Have you thought of submitting your story to Hasbro?
I would like to work with you as a partner in developing ideas for the reappearance of the Grundles. Would you like to work with me?
Please contact me. Thank you.
EDC5
I'm thinking that maybe Twilight should have realised that the book's AI security would have a failsafe mechanism to stop the Sisters from reading it. That said, Twilight does seem to have this naive certainty that Celestia is so all-wise that she can solve any problem. Maybe she thought Celestia would know a master unlock password or something.
The layout of the canon Equestria is very obviously a crude version of North America with the Frozen North being the Arctic reaches of Canada. Based on that, the Far West would be the southern and somewhat-temperate parts of Alaska. Just sayin'.
Much improved. It is always a pleasure to see an author put in this amount of effort to polishing their story. Have a like and a ribbon.
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
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Thank you kind Sir!
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You are very welcome
*eyetwitch* The... Smooze... *flashbacks to the awful movie he had to sit through...* I HATE YOU ALL!!!! *launches all the nukes on Earth and wipes out the human race... then the machines take over and both Terminator and The Matrix happen simultaneously.*
Clearly, this is all your fault.
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PresentPerfect had a similar reaction, but his was more along the lines of: "Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!"