The Book of Joram - II
I was standing in a field, but I wasn’t standing in a field in Iowa. Behind me, something glowed and hummed, becoming steadily quieter, but it wasn’t neon snakes. I breathed, but I didn’t breathe in the smell of sweat and anger and violence. This air smelled like tulips, but it was, of course, all lies. The brain can be tricked into believing anything is anything else if you have a little knowledge of the workings of electrochemical stimuli. Luckily for me, the soul is not so easily deceived.
The field was green, lowly cut, spotted with trees and gentle hills. The sky was blue and the occasional cloud drifted happily by. A yellow sun shone brightly overhead. Past the field, a ways off, I saw a clutter of buildings. I glanced back and saw a cleaner, simpler variant of the Tafadzwa portal behind me, all of its glow lost. It was dead, for now. It would take the portal at least a week to charge the necessary energy to catapult another body across the dimensional divide.
I was trapped.
I saw a few of the Equestrians milling about in little colorful groups near the portal, all of them looking at me.
I had seen pictures of them before, so I wasn’t surprised by their similarity in appearance to horses or ponies found on Earth, or by their similarity to popular children’s toys. But I was surprised by their eyes, and what I saw behind them.
In every pair of vibrantly discolored eyes I saw the starkest avarice, the most willing devotion to malefaction, and the most absolute hatred. It took only a moment to confirm the evil into which I had delivered myself.
All I had to defend myself was Gregory’s satchel, and the pole and Snickers bars and philosophy textbooks inside.
Directly before me, a purple Equestrian with wings and a horn, flanked on either side by two other larger Equestrians who both wore some archaic form of armor, stepped forward.
I took a step back.
“Hello,” she said. “My name is Twilight, and I’m here to welcome you to Equestria.”
I nearly fainted. I hunched down to catch my breath,
“Are you all right?” she asked quickly. “Do you need help?”
I shook my head and held up a hand to keep her back. “I’m just surprised by the Lord’s providence, is all.”
She looked confused. “You are Robert Haverly, right? The journalist scheduled to conduct the interviews with me?”
I stood up straight and smiled. “The one and only.”
The little purple goblin smiled back, and then began walking closer, blabbering indiscriminately at me. “I’m so glad to finally meet you! I’ve been extremely excited for this ever since the arrangements were made. I’ve hardly been able to get any other work done. It’s a shame the portal’s charge time is so long, or we could have begun much sooner, or at least exchanged some correspondence more often. I’ve actually devised some methods with which I think we can drastically improve the energy efficiency of the device. And I have so many questions! We should—”
She stopped abruptly and let out an imitation of a child’s embarrassed laugh. “Oh, I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?”
“You’re certainly getting somewhere,” I agreed.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “Like I said, I’ve been very excited for this. All of the visitations so far have been conducted by either Princess Celestia or Princess Luna.”
I glanced around. Most of the other Equestrians had already begun moving off, towards the cluster of buildings. They didn’t seem particularly interested in me. I certainly wasn’t the first human any of them had ever seen. Maybe they had hoped for an entrance with more pomp and dazzle, or to see yet another Gregory roll out of the portal and down the hill. The two guards still stood slightly behind the purple one, eyeing me impassively.
They would be a problem.
“But if you don’t mind,” the hobgoblin princess continued, “I’d like to get started right away. We have so much ground to cover and so little time. We should schedule a second meeting as soon as possible, too.”
I shrugged. “I came here to do only one thing, Princess.”
“You can call me Twilight.”
“I will call you Princess.”
“It’s really not necessary. I actually prefer for pon—people to call me by my name, not my title.”
“I insist,” I said. “I will feel much more comfortable doing what I have to do here if I know you only by your title.”
She frowned. “Well… okay, then. But my friends all call me Twilight.”
I didn’t remind her of the obvious.
“I had planned to begin with the tour of Ponyville as soon as you arrived,” she said. “Is that all right with you? Or would you prefer if I show you where you’ll be staying first, so you’ll have some time to rest before we start?”
“Will your guards accompany us either way?”
“Oh, sorry.” She glanced at her armored jocks. “They’ll have to stay with us for the entire duration of the interviews. I’d prefer to conduct them in private, but Princess Celestia advised me to be as careful as possible, as much for your safety as my own. It’s not that I expect you’ll do anything to me or anypony else, or that anypony will do anything to you, but I’m sure you’d agree that it’s best to anticipate every possible variable when dealing with the complexity and unpredictability of interdimensional travel. We haven’t had any incidents yet, and I’d very much like to keep it that way. I do apologize, but you understand, right?”
The purple bogeypony was smarter than she looked.
The guards kept silent.
“Yes,” I said. “It’s probably for the best, anyway.”
“So what would you prefer to do first?” she asked.
“I would prefer to do whatever you prefer to do.”
“Wonderful!” Princess clapped her hooves like an excited toddler. “Then let’s begin the tour.”
She started marching forward, and I followed her, and the two guards followed us.
She stopped abruptly. “Oh, do you have any questions before we begin? About me or Ponyville or anything else?”
I thought seriously for a moment before asking, “Do you know of His Holiness, Sir Elton John?”
“Um,” Princess said. “I don’t think so. Is he a religious leader?”
“The most sacred of them all.”
“I’ve been studying the many variations of human religion.” Princess beamed at me. “I’ve found religion to be one of the most intriguing aspects of your culture. That name hasn’t appeared in any of the books I’ve read, but I would love to learn more about him.”
“And what have you learned about the names that did appear in your books?”
She coughed and cleared her throat, looking away. “Let’s save that discussion for later. I know personal religious beliefs are a matter of contention for humans. Would you like to begin the tour now?”
“I only want to do one thing.”
“Wonderful!” Princess smiled and started walking away. “If you’ll follow me, I wanted to start by showing you Ponyville’s weather office.”
I shrugged and followed.
The two guards stepped in line behind me. They watched me carefully.
They knew.
And I knew that they knew.
I held Gregory’s satchel close, feeling the shape of the pole inside.
Editor’s note: Equestrian authorities have refused to cooperate with our staff—in fact have outright refused to communicate with our publication at all—and therefore the veracity of this and all following sections of Wenceslaus’s account cannot be confirmed.
Considering that prior to this incident, Equestrian authorities eagerly agreed to work with us, in this respect, if in no other, Wenceslaus’s unstated mission appears to have been successful.
_________________________________________________
I trudged through stupidly well-manicured fields, following Princess while she babbled like a runaway brook. We walked parallel to buildings of the nearby town, neither coming closer nor getting further away from them.
The guards walked behind me.
I could hear their footsteps, heavy and calculating. They were like hounds, dogging my every step. They could strike at any moment, at their master's any whim. At a single unseen signal, they could cave in the back of my head, and I wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop it. I was theirs to do with as they pleased.
I took as many opportunities to surreptitiously glance over my shoulders as I could.
Each and every time, they glared coldly back at me.
Princess abruptly stopped.
“Here we are!” she said, turning around and smiling at me. She gestured up into the air.
I looked up and saw, past some trees, a building floating on a cloud in the sky. It looked like a cheap imitation of a bad artist’s worst depiction of heaven. Two winged Equestrians jumped off the side of the cloud and flew towards the town.
“Here we are,” I said, pretending to scratch my neck while really looking over at one of the guards.
He was circling around me.
“This is Ponyville’s weather office,” Princess said. “It’s from this building that the pegasus ponies plan, organize, and execute all weather in Ponyville and the surrounding area. They control when, where, and how much it rains, cloud coverage and density, the strength and frequency of storms, the arrival of new seasons, and even the temperature. Every major settlement in Equestria has a similar office, many of them much larger than Ponyville’s. All of them are coordinated by the Central Weather Office in Cloudsdale, to organize the overall climate and prevent conflicts between individual offices.”
I yawned.
Princess looked at me like I was supposed to be impressed by something.
So I asked, “Am I supposed to be impressed by something?”
“I—well...” She squinted at me. “No, I just thought you might be interested to know how weather works here in Equestria. It’s very different than what you’re used to.”
“Different how?”
“Well, in a lot of ways. The simplest being that we’ve developed methods of controlling the weather, but all of our basic weather patterns are the same as Earth’s. We still have rain and snow and thunderstorms, but we’re able to decide when and where those rains, snows, and thunderstorms occur, and at what intensity.”
“So?”
She frowned. “From what I understand, humans have always been at the mercy of their climate. They can only react to its effects, never make the climate act for their benefit. On Earth, precipitation is completely unregulated, leading to floods and droughts. Crops can only be grown when and where the weather permits. Lack of control has resulted in shortages and famines.”
“I don’t have any problem with weather,” I said. “Without it, we wouldn’t have anything to talk with strangers about. It’s the only thing we all have in common.”
“I—how is that relevant?”
“We need something to talk about with strangers, don’t we?”
She gaped at me.
I shrugged.
“But what about the thousands of people who are killed by natural disasters every year?” she asked. “If you could prevent those somehow, wouldn’t you do so even if it meant having one less thing to talk about?”
I considered her very seriously before asking, “Do you have predator drones?”
“What?”
“And what about the thousands of people killed by predator drones every year?”
“I don’t understand,” she said.
And of course she couldn’t. How could she?
“You have weather control offices, we have predator drones,” I said. “Are you impressed yet?”
She bit her lip. “Well, I am impressed by the technology itself. You’re right that it isn’t like anything here in Equestria. That you were able to create something so sophisticated without magic is an achievement in and of itself. However, I’m not at all impressed by what they’re used for.”
“You’re jealous.”
“We really wouldn’t have any use for them.”
“And why not?”
“Oh.” She smirked up at me, just barely. And so did her guards. “I think you will be impressed by this. Equestria hasn’t been involved in a single large scale armed conflict in over three centuries. War, as you know it on Earth, doesn’t exist here.”
I staggered back and clutched my chest. I was so affected that I dropped Gregory’s satchel and I fell onto the soft grass. I understood now. I understood more fully than ever the evil that I faced. More than that, I understood the cause, the root, and the origin of our enemy.
“Are you all right?” Princess asked.
“Yes,” I managed. “But you aren’t.”
“What?”
“None of you are,” I said. “Not without war.”
“Um.”
I stood back up. “That’s why you’re all empty except for sin. It’s been too long since any of you killed anybody else.”
Princess stared at me, then shook her head. “How could warfare ever be a good thing?”
“Because it’s only through warfare that we can understand who we are.”
“Princess Celestia showed me how ponies used to live in times of war,” she said. “It was awful. Warfare causes nothing but destruction of lives and homes. Nothing good comes from war.”
“Good only comes from war,” I said, and laughed. “It’s only in battle that you’ll ever find true courage. It’s only when a man is pushed to his absolute limits that he knows what his absolute limits are. Only then can he find what he is truly capable of and what he truly cannot bring himself to do. It’s only after a man places his life in danger for a cause that he can know which causes are worth placing his life in danger for.”
“I suppose…”
“It’s been so long since any of you killed for something that you don’t know anymore what’s worth killing for. And because you don’t know what’s worth killing for, you can’t know what’s worth living for.”
Princess glanced at her guards, signaling something with her eyes before turning back to me. “That’s, um, a very interesting idea, and I’d love to discuss it with you further. But I think we should finish the tour first, before it gets dark.”
“After you,” I said.
I knew the end was in sight. I could feel the Harbinger of Death’s breath on my neck.
“I thought we’d head into town now,” she said, already walking away. “If you don’t mind.”
I didn’t mind, so I followed her.
I picked up Gregory’s satchel before I left.
_________________________________________________
As we walked towards the town, the Harbinger of Death devoured my soul and turned my head to the side just so. Through my eyes, He saw a forest on the horizon, and through my voice He asked, “What’s that over there?”
And then the Harbinger of Death reach a hand out to and into the Princess and then came back out through her mouth as a voice saying, “That’s the Everfree Forest.”
The Harbinger of Death vomited me up, and flew, flew, flew away.
But my head was still turned to the forest. It looked wild and storm-ridden. Its trees leaned against each other’s trunks, their limbs twisted together, strangled by vines. It was dark, and storm clouds lingered overhead. An alien howl rose up from somewhere deep within.
I shivered. That forest reminded me of Gary, Indiana.
It was beautiful.
“Will it be on the tour?” I asked.
“No,” she said, still walking towards the town. She never noticed His touch. No one ever does. “The Everfree Forest is one of the few places in Equestria where we’re unable control the climate. There’s too much primitive, disordered magic present in the Forest to ever organize it all.”
I stopped walking. “I’d very much like to visit it at least once.”
“It isn’t safe,” she said. “The Everfree Forest is home to too many predators. We don’t even know how many, or understand the hunting and feeding behaviors of most of them.”
“I would very much like to visit it before I leave.”
She sighed. “I’ll try to arrange something.”
I nodded and continued following her.
Of course, I will walk among the crooked boughs of the Everfree Forest at least once before I die.
But not with her.
_________________________________________________
We arrived in what might have been the center of town. Houses stood around me in a wide circle, their designs quaint and primitive, like children’s toys. Had I not known better, I would have thought I stood in a sized-up Lego block playpen. In the center of the circle was a tall, egg-shaped building. It was grotesque, too wide then stooped over then too skinny, like a male model getting too far along in his years and growing overfond of sweets.
It was nearing evening, and the sun had lowered. Only a few of the Equestrians milled about, all keeping a safe distance away. They pretended not to take significant notice of our party, but I could tell they were watching me from the corners of their eyes.
The Princess stopped in front of me, and her guards stopped behind me.
I stopped, too, and held Gregory’s satchel close.
“This is Ponyville’s Town Hall,” Princess said. “Town Hall is the center of Ponyville’s local government, and also where you will be staying.”
“Aren’t you the center of the government?” I asked.
The little shit laughed at me, then said, “Not exactly. I actually thought this stop might be a good opportunity to explain our system of government. I know there’s been a lot confusion on your side.”
“If you feel so compelled.”
Apparently, she did feel so compelled, because she immediately began, “Our government isn’t quite like anything you’ll find on Earth. You’ll find that it is much less strictly organized than any form of government you’re familiar with. The closest term might be diarchy, because Princess Celestia and Princess Luna can be considered joint heads of state, but both Princess Cadence and I technically share that position as well, and that’s not even considering the nobility or their authority. The lines of power and succession aren’t very clearly defined. Furthermore, every organized body within Equestria has varying levels of autonomy outside of the central government, and some are almost separate entities unto themselves. Cloudsdale, for example, is almost completely independent of Royal authority.”
“How absurd.”
She frowned. “It isn’t, really. It’s also worth mentioning that Equestria’s system has resulted in a much lower crime and poverty rate than in your country. If anything, I think I’d be justified in calling your government absurd.”
And that did it.
I took a step back, and cleared my throat. “Do you believe we, meaning humankind, should adopt your way of life?”
Ever the slithering, tongue-flicking politician, she answered, “Well, no, I believe we should all do what works best for us.”
“Does your way work for you and your… mammals?”
“Yes. Very well.”
“If it works for you, couldn’t it work just as well for some other mammal? Say, for example, the kind of mammal that walks on two or fewer legs and often four wheels?”
“I suppose so.”
“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all just”—I pressed both my hands meekly together in an earnest gesture—“get along?”
She frowned some more. “We do get along, don’t we?”
“And it’s so much easier for everyone to ‘get along’ when everyone is alike, isn’t it?”
“Um, I guess.”
“We, meaning us, meaning humankind, would be so much better off if we could ‘get along’ with you, meaning the whole of your… mammalian kingdom, wouldn’t we?”
“I think so. Equestria would benefit, too, of course.”
“Of course,” I said. “So considering all this, it’s really in our, meaning us, meaning humankind’s, best interest to make ourselves more like you. To accept your ways and your lives and your sins and your rule. It would be only expected of you as morally minded mammals to nudge-nuzzle us onto the more sacred path.”
She looked down and frowned ever more, until her whole face was one big frown and nothing else.
“Ah!” I cried, grinning stupidly. “And would you look at that! That’s exactly what’s happening right now. Your worms have crawled belly-wise right through that portal and burrowed into the heads of people all over the world. Now they’ll all try to be just like you! Isn’t that swell?”
She paused before looking back up at me. “You’re talking about the Equestria on Earth Organization?”
The Equestria on Earth Organization.
Yes. I was talking about the Equestria on Earth Organization.
Every now and then, a man, or a woman, or a group of men and women, come along who can usurp humanity’s natural God-given talents and tendencies and drive those towards hatred and discord instead of peace and innovation, such as our love of order, esteem for the greater good, and infatuation with ourselves. They come in the trappings of reason and wisdom and benevolence, and they call themselves Martin Luther and Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Karl Marx.
Nowadays, they call themselves the Equestria on Earth Organization.
Those sorts of men and women are only ever halted when other just and righteous sorts of men and women rise up out of Gary, Indiana-style squalor and stand against them. It has happened again and again throughout the course of history, from the Thirty Years’ War to the end of the New Deal Coalition to the fall of the Soviet Union.
And one is happening now.
“And,” Princess continued, “you’re implying that we’re somehow purposefully influencing the Equestria on Earth Organization for our own benefit?”
“No,” I said, “I’m implying that you are somehow personally influencing the Equestria on Earth Organization.”
Princess scowled at me, then opened her mouth, then glanced at her guards, then glanced at the other ponies walking about, then looked at the Town Hall, then looked back at me, then closed her mouth.
Then she opened her mouth again.
“I’ll show you your room in Town Hall now,” she said quickly, already turning and walking away.
The guards pushed me forward, and we all set off towards Fate together.
__________________________________________________
The guards shoved me into the room. Gregory’s satchel swung away from my chest and then back into me, the pole inside cracking hard on my ribs.
“Here it is!” Princess said overly pleasantly, walking in behind me. “This is where you’ll be staying.”
I looked around. The room had a toy bed and a toy desk and a few various other toy pleasantries, but all of it was one size too small, designed for gremlins a third my height. Everything except for the window. The window was amply tall and wide enough that a grown man could have easily burst through its glass and went tumbling down to the street below without so much as clipping his head on the window frame. My room was on the third floor. It would be a hell of a drop.
I should have realized it then.
But I didn’t.
I turned and looked at Princess.
She smiled back at me. “How do you like it?”
“‘Like’ certainly isn’t the word I would use,” I said.
“Wonderful,” she said, still smiling.
I shrugged.
She turned to the guards and said, all smiles, “Could you please give us some privacy? I need to speak with Mr. Haverly alone.”
My breath caught.
I didn’t move. I didn’t breathe.
The Princess of Inhumanity was personally asking permission to deliver herself into my arms.
“I’m sorry, Your Highness,” one of the guards said, “but for your safety, I must insist that we remain with you at all times.”
“It’ll be fine,” Princess said, smiling away. “It’ll only take a minute, I promise. You can wait right outside the door.”
The guards looked from me to her.
Princess smiled, smiled, smiled.
And then, incredibly, gracefully, preciously, the Harbinger of Death intervened on my behalf one final time. He busted down the front door, trampled up the stairs, thundered over the guards, and through their voices cried, “As you wish, Your Highness.”
Through those words, the Harbinger of Death declared the time and place of the final breath of Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria.
“Thank you so much,” Princess said to them and Him.
They left the room.
Princess turned back to me. Her smile fell and she let out a long, tired sigh.
I unlatched Gregory’s satchel.
“Mr. Haverly,” she said, and looked up at me like a child who has dropped her ice cream cone on the sidewalk during summer and is just about to beg her parents for another. “Robert, please forgive me, because I understand that this must be a hard situation for you. I know culture shock and stress can make us act in ways we normally wouldn’t. However, I’ve made every possible effort to make you feel comfortable here. I’ve been friendly. I’ve been courteous. I’ve been beyond patient. I’ve given you as cordial a welcome to Ponyville as anypony possibly could. Yet you’ve been nothing but rude and insulting to me all day. I can’t understand why. You never acted condescending or patronizing in any of your letters. You said you were excited to come here. What happened? Why are you acting like this?”
I jabbed my hand down into Gregory’s satchel. “People change.”
“I just don’t understand. Did I do something wrong? Did I offend you somehow?”
“Yes,” I said, and wrapped my fingers around the end of the pole. Its metal was warm and coarse on my skin.
“What did I do? When? Whatever it was, I apologize. I promise, I swear it wasn’t done on purpose.”
“What did you do?” I repeated. I gripped the pole tight and looked down at her. “You’ve offended me. You’ve offended my thoughts, my body, my soul, my very nature. You insult me. Everything you do is an affront to my truth and the truth of my family and my country. When you speak, when you walk, when you breathe, I feel my heart torn open, claws scrape along the inside of my skull, blood spill down my throat and into my lungs. You are absolutely, utterly inhuman. You are everything I am not, everything I will never be, everything I desire not to be. When you speak across that portal and when others speak of you, I hear the foundations of all and everyone I care for cracking under the weight of your lies. You are snake venom, already in our bloodstream, rushing towards our heart. And I am the antivenom.”
I pulled the blood-rusted pole out of Gregory’s satchel.
“What is that?” she asked.
I raised the pole high into the air, knowing then just how King Arthur felt after pulling Excalibur from the stone.
I swung the pole swiftly down into Princess’s eye. She screeched hysterically and her eye made a squishing sound, like rain boots stomping on a caterpillar in wet grass. The pole ricocheted off her head and my arm fell backwards.
I moved to swing again, but a great light burst from Princess’s horn and knocked me off my feet. It flung me backwards until my back collided with something hard. That something gave way and shattered with a great crash, and I was suddenly outside, in the air, in a cloud of broken glass, and falling down.
I hit the ground, shoulder first.
Airy, delicate bits of glass rained on my side.
I didn’t move at first. Everything hurt. I tasted blood, and my shoulder was on fire.
“Oh my gosh!” a concerned, sweet-sounding voice said. “Are you all right?”
I looked up, slowly, painfully, and saw a blue Equestrian looking down at me.
The pole was still in my hand.
I pushed myself up off the ground.
“Are you all right?” the Equestrian asked again. “What happened?”
I stood up, wobbled for a moment as the whole world twisted underneath my legs, then planted my feet. I lifted the pole up and struck the Equestrian in the head.
She shrieked just as Princess had, but no guarding light came out of this one, only yelping and shrilling.
I hit her with the pole again, in the mouth this time, and she shut up.
She staggered backwards, trying to get away, crying and blubbering.
I lurched drunkenly after her, and hit her again and again and again, in her head, in her head, in her shoulder.
She fell to the ground, and I went down with her. I fell to my knees, paused for a moment to catch my breath and listen to her whimper and shiver beneath me. Pain wracked my whole body, starting at my heart and burning through my bloodstream. I grabbed the pole in both hands, then swung it down at the Equestrian again, then over and over. I battered the side of her head, her ear, her eye, her leg, and felt her warm, milky blood on my face, tasted it on my tongue, stinging in my eyes.
Something big struck me in the side and knocked me over. I lost my grip on the pole, and it bounced away. The something big pressed me down against the ground, and I no longer had the energy to resist. Everything hurt, my body and my mind.
I heard voices shouting, some angry, others panicked.
I looked around and saw a large Equestrian on top of me, a small group of them around me, and more coming towards me. A couple of them huddled over the blue Equestrian lying on the ground. She was still moving some, occasionally, but her head looked like a bowl of scattered chips and salsa.
A glowing swirl surrounded my body and lifted me up into the air. I floated off the ground, frozen stiff. Incredibly, I noticed, Gregory’s satchel was still on my shoulder. The Snickers bars inside probably got squished when I fell out of the window, though.
I saw Princess and her guards approaching me. She had more guards with her now, at least a dozen of them. Her eye was black, bloodied, and misshapen, but she didn’t stumble or falter. She marched forward with purpose, looking as angry as a horde of fire ants swarming atop a kicked-over anthill. Her horn glowed the same color as the swirl surrounding me.
She looked down at the blue Equestrian and spoke quickly to the ponies nearby. Princess’s horn glowed brighter, and the blue Equestrian disappeared in another hellish burst of her light.
She walked towards me, and the other Equestrians backed away.
She looked up at me with the hurt, confused eyes of a dog being kicked in the stomach by its angry-drunk master and asked, “Why?”
“Well,” I said, still floating. A bit of blood drooled out of my mouth and onto my chin. “Isn’t it obvious why the gazelle bites the lion back?”
“You’re insane,” she said.
I considered that for a moment, then said, “I promise I will kill you. I will not stop. I will not give up. Only when I am dead will you have any moment of true rest. And if it isn’t me who kills you, it will be someone else, another human. I promise we will kill you, and we will never stop, never give up, until we are all dead. When the rest of us discover what you are and what you mean to do, as I have, every human who comes through that portal will come swinging straight for you. As long as that portal is open, you and your kind will never be safe from me and mine.”
Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria watched me for a long time after that, one eye open and one eye broken.
Finally, she turned to one of her guards. “Lock him in the basement of Town Hall until we decide what to do with him. Don’t let him near anypony else and don’t let anypony near him. Keep him under guard and within your sight at all times. I need to speak with Princess Celestia.”
Princess turned and walked away.
The glow surrounding me disappeared and I fell into the waiting forelegs of five guards. They dragged me back towards Town Hall. I allowed myself a tired, satisfied, sad smile.
The job was nearly done.
I decided then that in the basement of Town Hall, I would eat Gregory’s squished Snickers bars and write down my story into the pages of his philosophy books. I will write our philosophy, my Gospel, my discovery, our salvation, so humankind will know what I have done and what must be done after. When I finish, I will escape, find my way to the Everfree Forest, and, in the name of all humanity, find a manticore to administer deserved justice unto me and tear open my throat.
And I will be the first ever person to do that.
Editor’s note: The methods and circumstances of Wenceslaus's escape from Equestrian authorities are unknown, as Equestrian authorities refuse to communicate the details of the case. However, Equestrian authorities do claim that Wenceslaus is no longer in their custody, and that a thorough search of the area known as the Everfree Forest has proven fruitless. Wenceslaus's whereabouts are currently unknown.
The portal’s functions have been largely ceased since the incident, apart from the delivery of these documents to the American government, blocked from the Equestria side of the portal. American diplomats are engaging in talks with Equestrian leaders, and are confident that the damage done to the relationship between our cultures by Wenceslaus’s actions can be repaired.
As of the time of this writing, Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria is assumed to be, thankfully, alive and in good health.
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SIC SEMPER EQUESTRIANIS?
interesting
Ahh yes the fundamentalist Zelot who sees evil, murder, and malice in every smiling face, every helpful gesture, every kind word and every innocent soul. The man who crushes hope under his boot heel in the name of peace, turns potential allies into powerful enemies and practices his religion by breaking every single tenet and spitting on it's principals.
And remember folks before you too offend, that's a fundamentalist zelot, not the true believe.
i cant wait for more!!!
Hell yes, this is just the breath of fresh air the HIE genre needed...
More please.
Ahh, I just hate him so so much. What a gross, inadequate and deluded example of a human. Ew. Such a shame that he went through the portal, when others would have been so much nicer!
Ahh, I'm so sad now.
Twilight was so happy to meet him!
I hope you chose to write more, please, though. Very nice story, and very original.
Was fear and loathing in las Vegas an influence?
5628099
Maybe not that one in particular, but Hunter S. Thompson's work in general, very much so.
Perrsonally, I'd have let him kill Twilight in the end, to show that the Equestrians pay a cost for his beliefs, and so he's more serious, represents more of a real threat. Maybe something else, to show Earth paying a cost, too. The ending would be tighter then, going straight from killing Twilight, to killing the pony in the street, to "When I finish, I will escape, find my way to the Everfree Forest, and, in the name of all humanity, find a manticore to administer deserved justice unto me and tear open my throat," followed by the editorial. (I would hate to lose his regret over the Snickers bar, tho.)
His arguments in this chapter aren't very good. That changes the story more toward just "story about a single psychotic madman" rather than "thought-provoking story about a visionary extremist who actually has a point." You could come up with better arguments for why war, conflict, and competition are good.
But it's a great story the way you did it.
5644994
I felt that the Equestria portion of the story was weaker than the first half, too, and I think that's for a lot of different reasons, including what you pointed out. I actually think this story would work a lot better if it wasn't tied to FiM at all, mostly because Twilight's character doesn't play off of Joram's well and Equestria as the setting doesn't really add anything that any other generic fantasy setting couldn't. I've been working on a original fiction version, and I'll definitely keep your feedback in mind!
I don't think the Also Liked section knows what to do with stories that have less than twenty favorites.
Definitely DEFINITELY needs a dark tag. Those looking for a quirky HiE story will get much more than they bargain for. This story feels at times like a critique of the fandom, written by someone who doesn't like it very much, but that doesn't make it bad:
Plot: 4 / 5 ; ABOVE AVERAGE
Writing: 4 / 5 ; ABOVE AVERAGE (though the analogies are trying WAY too hard)
Interesting take on the genre, compelling protagonist with an internal consistent logic, a biting style that comes near the original inspiration, a great story.
Maybe the second part could be improved by extending the interview in a slightly more articulated discussion, as it feels a bit rushed.
Congrats! http://www.equestriadaily.com/2015/03/story-along-softly-on-tongue.html
Dammit, when I read the title on Equestria Daily, I thought this was gonna be a romantic fanfic. How wrong I was.
But the HoofBitingQuestionOverload...
Did Twilight benefit from the advance preparations of the Pink Prepper???
I mean... This WAS an eyepatch emergency of the highest order!
Oh hey, another well written story I don't have the guts to read!
5204686 So why couldn't this guy have been named Mohammed Hussein Bin Ladin the 3rd?
Or right, because only Christianity is bad.
Just callin' it like I see it!
Gotta be honest, though. Any journalist chosen to visit an alien world would have psychological testing up and down to ensure they wouldn't try anything this stupid. This story is LOOKING for a problem, without considering the practicalities.
Geez, did they think to check this guy for those little marks on the back of his neck that showed he'd been plugged into a Shadow vessel? Cuz that's the entire Shadow vs Vorlon philosophy thing going on there...
Sheridan would totally kick his ass.
5729115
Umm I'm confused what exactly are your criticizing me for? for saying their is a difference between a fundamentalist Zelot and a believer? Or are you saying only Christians can be Fundamentalist Zelots? Fundamentalists are present in all religions, they believe their religion is right anyone who isn't of their religion is wrong or outright evil. Zelots believe anything they do in the name of their region is justified, even if it breaks the rules of said religion. It doesn't matter what religion they are. Muslim, Christian, Hindu, or even Atheist fundamentalist zelots are crazy and dangerous people.
5729456 Just noting the typical slant in the many fics like this I've read.
And there are many... so many fics where crazy Christian tries/succeeds to kill Twilight.
Regardless of that, it's impossible to suspend disbelief in this story. There's just no way this guy would have gotten anywhere near the portal unless he somehow snuck through. I could even have bought this if it was a random assassin story where thousands of people were travelling back and forth and one nut slipped through the cracks. That would be at least somewhat plausible, though a little farfetched if he'd brought the weapon with him through the portal which in ANY scenario would have TSA-like screening on Earth side, and magical scanning on the Equestrian side. But going through official channels in a situation with still-limited access to Equestria? Having a weapon right there in his bag? Nope. Not happening.
5730010
What about this character seemed Christian to you?
Also, at what point in the story were described required security clearances, whether and what security characters felt was necessary, and how this particular person factually and truly passed through them?
Feel free to criticize the story, but please make sure your criticisms are based on actual elements that exist within the story.
5730045 And you have utterly missed the point.
THE POINT: If this was a PLAUSIBLE SITUATION where we had come into contact with aliens from another dimension who wished for peaceful relations, the portal would be GUARDED LIKE FORT KNOX and everyone going through would be grilled as intensely as those dudes who have the nuke keys.
The fact that this nut waltzed through the portal and no one apparently bothered to so much as glance sideways at him is absurd.
5734921
Or is your argument still just, 'It's impossible because I say so.'
Stop trying to understand the world described in the story based on how you think it should work, and instead try to understand it as it is actually described. Don't ignore the character's identity fraud. Don't ignore that the portal site was clearly in chaos. Don't ignore that Twilight was actively pushing for who she thought this character was to be brought through the portal. Don't ignore that portal security actively contradicts this character's version of events. Don't ignore that this character had zero intention of harming Twilight until the very moment he stepped into the portal. Stop taking a story at face value that explicitly tells you multiple times not to take it at face value.
5735193 I can't ignore all those things.
I can't ignore the fact that nothing regarding them is explained and what is presented makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
This... this was something. Something amazing.
In proper gonzo journalism style, this story bends and even discards the truth in favour of not just a more interesting narrative, but to jam the reader head-first into the narrator's point of view, to force us to see things through his eyes whether we want to or not. The contempt Joram has for the soft pastel peaceful land of Equestria, which has no predator drones or Gary, Indiana, is in every observation and every meandering aside drilling in the message over and over that we do not belong there, we humans, we murderers, we warmongers. Us and them are water and oil (or maybe sodium); you can't just put a human in Equestria and expect things not to burn down all around them. The reassertion of the "true" events between Joram's perspective feel like a front, a flimsy cover-up that the Gregorys of the world would buy into -- did he actually kill Twilight? we can't know -- and keep nagging at the reader to consider the wider application of the story we keep being taken out of: this is about humans in Equestria, and it's fucking bedlam. A portal between here and there is ridiculous. Going there is ridiculous. Living there is ridiculous. This goes beyond satire and parody and straight-up calls the whole HiE genre out for being neckbeardy silliness, and it does it in the most appropriate, visceral, and vicious manner I could imagine. Well done.
There is something that is just absolutely delightful and positively hilarious about the writing here. I have not been so mesmerized by deranged insanity since first seeing Discord. The strange, foreign logic which the main character follows is just so much fun to read as the nonsense formed a pattern. This is pure, beautiful subversion.
5730045 Wow, I really didn't get this story the first time I read it.
Coming back after 4 years of studying the history of religion and philosophy, it makes sense to me, tho maybe not in the way HBAO intended?
'Coz to my reading now, Joram is Catholic. I don't understand why he calls himself Joram, a name used by no one today; Joram was a king of Israel generally considered wicked (the prophet Elisha instigated the revolt against him), and the way Jehu "cleansed" the earth of all of Joram's living relatives, killing 74 people of that family in all, is a prime example of the purification behavior "Joram" in this story wants to engage in. I'd understand if he'd called himself "Jehu" instead.
Anyway: Joram goes into a Catholic Church and says it's good to see God's work being done; he lists paganism and Protestantism as coming from Pandora's box, which only a Catholic would do, and goes thru a long list of religions which came from Pandora's box in which Catholicism (more generally, orthodoxy before the Great Schism) is the most-notable religion not mentioned. Later he lists Martin Luther as one of those who drove humans to violence and discord, which only a Catholic would do (not that there isn't truth to it, but only Catholics are still angry at him), altho he also mentioned FDR, whose supporters were largely Catholic. He refers to God's will, says humans need God to know the value of human life (a thing Buddhists & Hindus wouldn't say, as human life is to them not valuable), knows stories from the Old Testament, and at all times seems to be coming from a Christian POV. The whole "purify the world by killing those who are different" thing was burned out of Judaism by 2000 years of occupation and diaspora, so he can't be Jewish. He hates Protestantism. Logically, he has to be Catholic, tho not everything fits well with that, at least not to stereotypical modern Catholicism. Of course Joram is obviously an anti-Vatican 2 Catholic, so wouldn't be a typical Catholic.
I think HBAO doesn't emphasize Joram's particular religion and sect, because the view he represents is much more general. The Catholic Church is just one of many philosophies, religions, & ideologies with a history of killing anyone who disagrees with their desire to impose a strict and eternal order on human society, or with their particular ways of doing it.
My interpretation doesn't quite fit, tho, bcoz Joram welcomes the decay of Gary, Indiana, & the chaos of the Everfree. If this is supposed to represent chaos & disorder, then this represents the polar opposite viewpoint of Catholicism, and of the sort of people who have the sort of narrative that Joram has, about society being corrupted by degenerate ideas, and needing to be violently cleansed. Puritans of all stripes always favor order and stasis over disorder and change, and people who embrace chaos don't engage in mass purges, and are usually relatively tolerant and non-violent. If it represents destruction and decay, that would make Joram the kind of "Puritan" who rejoices at seeing the decay of a "decadent" society--but I don't get that vibe from it, certainly not from the Everfree.