• Member Since 4th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen February 11th

RainbowDashian


E

Scootaloo is the last Crusader left. First Apple Bloom got her cutie mark, and then Sweetie Belle. It's been three years since Sweetie Belle left. Scootaloo stands on the edge of the snowy cliff. What thoughts race through her mind?

Slashawar ( http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Slashawar ) has made a reading of this fic,. It's on YouTube. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNQdkA7Iggg&feature=plcp

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 51 )

:fluttercry: so sad. Very well written but it seems a little bit rushed. but it says incomplete so does that mean that theres gonna be more?

ATTACAAAAAAAA!

*camera spins around mountain* :rainbowdetermined2:

Nice job, dawg.
You could have put a little more detail, and i noticed a few grammatical errors, but besides that, it was a great read! :pinkiehappy:

It's a bit rushed, but very nice. And sad... :pinkiesad2:

I shall hereby track this. :rainbowhuh:

I swear, if you have Scoots kill herself...

Edit: FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU

Very good! More description, fix the grammar, and she also sheds two 'final tears'.:rainbowlaugh:

You killed Scoot over two freinds leaving. *Shoulderthrows fic*

Beginning:
Awww! Scootaloo, on a cliff, thoughts, sad tag. Meh. Lets see where it goes. Im not reading the comments...

End:
Yep, thats about what i expected. It was rushed though, you could use more detail in there. but i liked it. Well done. Few grammar mistakes, but they can be over looked.

"Incomplete"
BETTER BE ANOTHER CHAPTER...!

YOU HAS GIVEN ME A SAD
WHY

Holy crap, so good!!! :ajsmug:

Either needs another chapter, or a huge edit.

Not enough detail to leave me satisfied. I mean, if you continue with the story, (you do have incomplete marked) then this chapter is fine. If this is the whole story, I'm slightly disappointed.

To summarize: Great story. Need more. Tracking or Favorited or whatever it is now.

I'm sorry, but seriously, why take something like MLP and make it so... dark, evil, inhumane? plus making me really sad :fluttercry:

Wow... Very good fic, hope for a sequel, tracking, and...







... :fluttershysad:...







... I feel you, Scoots. :fluttercry:

428325

I wonder that too,y know... :fluttershysad:

Anyway will fav to see if somehow there will be happiness in another chapter?

Very good... But you may never move me like my little dashie.:rainbowkiss: But with that said, you are fantastic, keep it up!:scootangel:

428086 It's the same tear the whole time. It doesn't leave her face until she hits the ground.

427964>>428167>>428493 There's not gonna be another chapter. Forgot to set to incomplete, sorry.

427964>>427992>>428035>>428086>>428160>>428254 It was rushed for two reasons:
1 - I wrote this around midnight when I got the idea.
2 - You can't ever really know what thoughts she had. It was pre meditated. This story is when it happens. You can't know every reason why...

And the grammar mistakes tie in with the whole "Writing at midnight" thing.

428325 428493 I wouldn't say inhumane because suicide is VERY human thing. Humans are one of the VERY few creatures who kill themselves.

On top of this, using the "darker" story is usually a tactic to show an advancement for characters to a logical progression point. If used correctly it can have them dealing with more real world problems that the reader can relate to. It's not about corrupting the show, it's about trying something different. Trying for a darker story is not unheard of, and is even used by professionals. Advance Wars is a good example. The first three games were very light hearted and even comedic, but then Days of Ruins comes out, and it's this dark story about the apocalypse and humanity trying to survive after the end of the world. It was a HUGE risk when it came to the fans, but it PAID off. Using that darker setting they were able to teach morals and lessons that wouldn't be taught any other way. They could teach the value of human life, the meaning of sacrifice and so on. All of which are GREAT lessons that just can't be shown through light hearted stories. So instead of looking at it as "dark and evil" look at it as "different" and try and see the big picture. I hope this gives you more of a perspective.

429912 I have attached a link to a Google Document with many of my thoughts, corrections, and comments on your story below. I hope you'll take a look at it and truly consider what is being said. If you would like a second opinion I actually have a group of people called "High Quality Fictions" that would be more than happy to give you feedback.

Google Document Link

430657 Thanks, I'll check it out once I get home. (I'm not exactly logged in to Google docs at school)

As much as I love Scoots, this is a really food sad fic.

430657

I see your point...and i agree with it!Dark storys usually teach us morals and lessons as you have said...Still it makes me sad to see deaths....

429912

Hmm ok then....i won't remove the fav because,even if it doesn't please me to see Scootalo die,i think the story is well written!

this is the second scootaloo scuicide story i read in only an hour... WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY ALL COMEING FROM!?

430657
Oh, yeah, I would like "High Quality Fictions" to look at it. :pinkiehappy:

I like the story but you made the way too young they are not 6-7 on the show they are 10-12.
That said I always thought that Scootaloo would react as you have show. She will feel that her friends betrayed her. Even lashing out like she did to Applebloom. Kinds a dark end though :fluttercry:

Meh, it's fine.
But the chapter needs to be at 3000 words at least.
Or have mutiple chappies uploaded.

430657
The term "inhumane" does not mean "not practiced by humans" the term refers to a human doing something immoral or not human, using not human in the sense without love or compassion. I understand your point about the "Dark story tactic" but I don't come to the magical and beautiful world of MLP for dark stories about suicidal ponies...

441730 True you may not come for it, but there is a reason for it's existence. Stories that teach the value of life and coming to grip with one's mortality can only really be accomplished by such a dark setting.

This was a good read, though it was disheartening to see Scootaloo go like that. I think where Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle argue about visiting was a little too dramatic though, but that's selfish jealousy for ya, all too confusing.


Those 2 friends we're talking happened to be her ONLY friends.428144

Way too rushed for a tragic story like this. Sweetie Belle's flashback was good, but Applebloom's flashback told entirely with narration was a huge hiccup in the pacing. Personally, I would have thrown in some happy flashbacks in the beginning with a recurring fuax foreshadowing of the three of them saying they'll always be together or something. It'd be a great contrast to the Applebloom and Sweetie Belle's goodbyes and tug at the reader's heartstrings in the worst ways possible. The flying disability was a good angle though and the description of the "final event" was well written. But the buildup is the most important part of a tragedy or sad story, sometimes even more important than the tragedy itself. Overall, I'd give it a 2.5/5 because it had feeling, but just not enough.

Right, so I'll cut to the chase.

>Pacing issues - For maximum feel, you should be hitting this stuff at about half the speed you're running over it. Right now, it's too short to make me feel anything, and so it's just a 1000-word-long suicide scene. Short stories might be good stories, but not this time. It's failing in it's prime goal, which is to tug on my heartstrings, even a little. Too fast.
>Grammar/spelling - Not many, but the ones you did miss were big ones.
>Repitition - Try and avoid using the same word to describe something more than once in quick succession. I'm looking at the word "bailed" here.
>Characterization - Poor, to my mind. Would Applebloom just ditch her childhood friends, just like that? Scootaloo just bumping herself off? I don't think so. This is not helped by the pacing issue you have. Give us reasons why they're doing this stuff, or it's just bad writing.
>Strange perspective - I'm not going to say much on this, because you were consistent. But it is a very odd point of view.

It's not unsalvageable, but it's falling short of the realms of "good" or "neutral".

omg! That was awsome! you should make her get her cutie mark when she died!!!! MORE make it like when everyone finds out. i cant wait for ApleBloom and SweetieBells Emotions! But, how old is she now?


SO SAD :fluttercry::pinkiesad2::ajsleepy::twilightangry2::rainbowderp::raritycry: and now to mach the story :unsuresweetie: :applecry: especcially angel :scootangel:

628545 They're about thirteen now... And There won't be another chapter/sequel. One-shot, baby. 2media.nowpublic.net/images//56/7d/567d4330074c3b1bfe5065581ea096db.jpg

Very well done.

630618 Then will you atleast do a Reaction thing about Sweetie and Apple Bloom? If you won't then can I?

770253
Hmmmmm...
I may do a sequel...
But not now. I'm in the hospital, wouldn't exactly seem plausible... And the last story I wrote was written while I was high on meds for surgery. So yeah.

I'll most likely write a sequel...

IN THE FUTURE...

772499 Then I guess I'll just have to go....BACK TO THE FUTURE: Starring Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Berry Bubble.

This didn't make me sad. Great i am a heartless zombie :pinkiecrazy::pinkiesick:

this hit my feels :fluttercry:

AWW COME ON!!!!! I LOOKED THIS UP TO SEE REACTIONS!!!!!!! NOT TO HAVE IT JUST END!!!!!!!

I had this sitting in my "Read It Later" for a while, and thought I'd clear some stories out I've been long meaning to. Pretty short, but good, I guess. One GLARING error is you use hand instead of hoof, in the scene where Apple Bloom's cutie mark was revealed. :applejackconfused: I'm surprised no one else had pointed that out, even though I don't see this as an "Alternate Universe" where they have hands. :ajbemused: :derpyderp1: :rainbowlaugh:

Anyway, it seems kinda drastic and could've gone more into why Scootaloo probably felt like she had to kill herself, just cause her friends had seemingly ditched her after getting their cutie marks (I mean, does she not have family or other friends, even if she doesn't have her cutie mark?). But still a good story, for what it was. Well done.

WHY YOU KILL OFF BEST PONY???
Manly tears ahve been shed. :raritycry:

1474109
Thanks. :derpytongue2: THis was one of my earliest stories, yet is somehow my most popular. This explains the errors.

1551537
Well, you're welcome. I guess people like tragic stories about ponies and suicide? :pinkiegasp: For why this is your most popular, even though that'd make little sense; unless it's cause they like seeing the normally strong tomboy Pegasus filly being all emotional or common fanon stuff about Scootaloo never being able to fly, possibly not having a family, etc. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Scootaloo.png :fluttershysad: And I'm assuming you don't just mean about the hand instead of hoof remark, but the shortness of it all too in not having more details about her thought process. But again, not all that bad, for what it was. Thanks for replying!

I would love nothing more than to see the looks on everyone else's faces after that. >:)

There was too little here to enjoy. It passed by so quick there wasn't time to get emotional invested. It was a good effort, but the characterization leaves much to be desired. The whole "get a cutie mark and abandon the others" bit doesn't make sense in the first place. True, it was the reason they got together, but they can't really be friends if the mark, or lack of one, is the only thing keeping them together.

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