• Member Since 3rd Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen May 30th

Twifight Sparkill


• I'm one book short of a trashy paperback trilogy, written entirely in crayon. "Dense and vague, yet unimaginably interesting." - Regidar.

T
Source

• Scootaloo, a recently retired captain of the Wonderbolts, attends the funeral of her closest friend and mentor. Many thanks to Phazon for the new introduction to this very difficult piece, plus a well-needed edit – Rainbow Dash loves you, and I do too. Cover art created by author.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 62 )

Whooooo.

Damn, that's powerful, dude.

~Skeeter The Lurker

The feels!! oh wow...:fluttercry: I so totally felt your words... you are an amazing writer! I'm glad I follow you!:eeyup:

I'll read this later just wanted to say... Nice cover pic, I used the exact same image in my story haha!

I nearly started crying in my friend's birthday, It's that powerful. I understand your loss, I lost my grandmother and father a few years back.

3387096

Thank you, Roprope. I really appreciate it.

The feels are strong with this one.

Admittedly, I found Scootaloo's diction to be a bit off-putting at first, either because of the more sophisticated words or the one or two pony obscenities in there. Probably because it took me a while to fully realize that the Scootaloo in this story isn't the eight or ten year-old we're all used to. At the very least, I did move past that in time to enjoy the story for what it was. This was a nice sadfic.

*Finishes reading the story, then sees the author's note*
I see... or at least I think I see. I hope I didn't misconstrue the meaning of that. Still, my condolences, Twifight.

On a side note, even with all the crap in your life, you're still managing to get more writing done than I am... damn.

The beginning is weak. You need to better establish this isn't the small, precocious chicken, this is a large, powerful mare.

Otherwise it was great. I liked the memories of the past.

I hate funerals and this is why. Death is bad but the slow deterioration, that, that sucks. Same thing happened to my great aunt.

3387334

Hum, fair point. Mind, it does say "adult Scootaloo" in the title. Lessons nonetheless. Thanks for reading and enjoying.

3387215

Hey you. Yeah, well this was a drunken hour and a bit of me sobbing in my keyboard. I feel surprisingly good for getting some things off my chest, I'll tell you. Maybe now I can FINISH something I've started as opposed to adding more clutter. Honestly, I'm awful.

3387605

But that could mean anything, from 18~99. If you'd said she was a Captain at the beginning I think it might have worked better to show she's a disciplined person, which would match her dialog better.

3387602Death happens for a reason mortal. If we do not die then wat is there TO LOVE, AND TO LOSE. HOW WOULD WE LEARN FROM MISTAKES IF WE DO NOT DIE. I'VE THE BURRDEN OF IMMORTALITY AND IT IS NOT THE BEST KNOWING U WILL NEVER SEE ANYONE YOU CARED ABOUT~SLENDY]

3387646

Death happens, I know that. It's the slow physical and mental deterioration I fear and dislike seeing. Happened to relatives.

3387632

Gotcha, gotcha. You're quite right. Thanks for that, I'll probably edit that in. This was written in too short of time, really. Had to get some things off my chest. So yeah, I'll work on it.

3387605
Glad to hear that you're feeling a little better. And at least one of us is getting writing done. As for me, the only reason I've done so little on Fimfic in the last few months is because I've been trying to find a job after graduation. Apparently, I've been too anxiety-riddled about this job hunt to get more than two or three hundred words a day down, and that's if I don't procrastinate that spare time away on a video game.

It's just as well; all I'd really have to work on is that video game adaptation story, the part three of that story series with the OC, and two Twilicorn story ideas (one of which features Twilight mourning at Celestia's funeral for a change and an aged, ailing Luna) that might lose their relevance once Season 4 kicks into gear.

3387108 MORTAL MERCER YOU HAVE BEEN TELL THE TRUTH RIGHT THE FEELINGS YOU HAVE I ENVY BUT...

3387685 I SEE...BUT I HAVE NOT FELT SADNESS IN A VERY LONG TIME SO I DO NOT FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL~Slendy

pass through the setting sun and into the empty night

Ohhh my.

Shit is confirmed for hitting the fan, then...

3387693

You really should update. I'm saying this as someone who needs to do the same. SIGH! You'll get a job soon, don't fret. You're too talented NOT to be hired. Also, fear is a great motivator!

3388688

You crazy.

3388811

Well put.

3388838

Yes, my fan stinks.

Aside from Applejack, buck you all.

Okay, I'm not getting the reason for the hatred. Why rage at the ponies who came to honour Dash (including Sweetie and Bloom)? Why at Twilight? Why tell them how Rainbow loved them in the next sentence?

I suppose I know the answer. Everyone handles death differently. But just couldn't follow Scootaloo here. My own experiences with death are too dissimilar. Sorry.

As for the story itself, I see the vocabulary and style being way too elaborate, both for the character, and for the emotions presented. Instead of immersing me in the narrative, the writing was thoroughly distracting and felt unnatural. And the ending feels like it's a reference to something I haven't seen; and inside joke I'm not privy to. That, or it's just too random and disconnected.

The backstory, told in flashbacks; that was good; it was real. Even with as little of it as there was, the characters felt alive and right. It's the present setting that failed.

And so, I have to say that I honestly did not like this story. I could see what it was going for, but it didn't work at all for me.

I do not in any way wish to disparage the real-life experiences of the author that led to writing this piece. This is meant to be a comment purely on the quality of the story itself.

3389549

At least you had the respect to respond, like it or no. That counts, and I appreciate it.

At one point I mentioned in the piece that Scootaloo was nearly singular in visiting and being with Dash throughout her experience. That sort of touches on my own personal frustrations, being left to my devices to deal with tragedy. You'd be very surprised at how misguided and hurtful folks can be when they're at the forefront of loss. You're lucky not to have dealt with such. Maybe I'm not so brash as Scootaloo, but eh. I definitely forced her character, and this merely remains as a very necessary outlet - admittedly I'm terrible with canon characterization. So be it.

As for the language, eh. Some like, some dislike. Don't read any of my other stories, you'll only be disappointed. It's just a thing I prefer to do, apparently. Since ever.

Cheers.

3389233 It was inspired by your story

3389806 The writing style isn't bad in itself. In the right context, this kind of verbosity can be an asset. My issue is with using it for this topic, with this character. You're trying to write emotions that are "raw", but your narration is "ponderous". That's a mismatch, in my opinion.

I have "Awards of the Heart" on my to-read list. :trixieshiftright: We'll see how that goes, if and when I get to it.

As for being "the only one who visits"... I know someone who had that experience. And she was angered by it. You shouldn't have to point that kind of thing out in comments, though. This accusation never crossed Scootaloo's thoughts in-story; if it was that important, it should've been at the forefront. And if A.J. "became a stranger" just like everypony else, why does she get special treatment?

I hope you can see how I just can't cram myself into Scootaloo's head here.

Thanks for being civil. :pinkiesmile:

3389896

Civility is as civility gets, and you're not wrong - I'm no writer. I mean, I'd like to be somewhat competent, but that only comes with practice and learning. You taught me something - at the very least you were willing to go beyond "EENOPE", which is very appreciated. So thank you.

So you know, Awards of the Heart is okay. Just okay. To be fair.

3389831

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I truly am. It means a lot.

I wasn't that surprised by "Buck you all": in some ways, it's a very Dash-like sort of outburst, and we all know that Dash was Scoot's role model for all those years.

And frankly, I'm in favor of funerals not following The Usual Script; I've already served notice to the family that I expect one particular brony recording to see me off this planet. (And what, exactly, am I going to do about it if they don't?)

Besides, you've already seen my "Dash dies and Scoot arranges a final tribute" story.

Flames- (Hugs back) You know, I was insane once...:rainbowhuh: and occasionally I have what's called a relapse, where I suddenly go nuts for no real reason, with no memory afterword. What a life for an Alicorn Ponywolf, won't you agree?:twilightsheepish:

Wow. This was powerful. Raw and powerful. I can tell a godawful amount of emotion went into this. Hope it helped you purge a bit.

Literary-wise, there aren't any points I can make that haven't already been addressed previously in the comments. Great work, Ms. Sparkill.

3390970

I suppose the main disruptions by community begin with noting a lacking basic education - I'm not sufficiently attuned in how to express nor explain myself. You've ever been softly kind and forgiving, but... it would seem if I'm going to ever again try and express my most personal self, it should be as a learned scribe opposed to some derelict poetess. Admittedly, I've struggled with being so blatantly ill-equipped. I'm no writer of note - I'm an emotional stenographer.

I wonder if I even belong here sometimes.

At least you give me hope. That's why we have this. That, and I whine a lot.

3390233

I quietly adore you.

Maybe not so quietly.

3390948

Alicorn ponywolf!?

Art please!

3391881 Hang on... I might be able to just provide you with a regular ponywolf.:twilightsheepish:
Ponywolf

3391855 If it's any consolation, you're better than the majority of writers here. I can only suggest finding a prereader whose more experienced than you, and having him/her read over the story. To be brutally honest, the story reads like a really solid rough draft. Good enough as it is, but with some spit and polish, it could really shine.

Dude, this was amazing. I never knew that something as sad as a funeral could mean so much more than generic canon stories.
Thank you for this.

EDIT: Just read the author's note. :(

3392821

That's very appreciated. As far as the author's note goes, hm. Had some second thoughts about that. Maybe this isn't the forum to advertise real life issues. However, the idea stems from my anguish, so it's hard to figure if I've done harm or simply acknowledged that I created this tumultuous monstrosity in effigy.

At any rate, thank you very much.

3391916

Awesome!

3392379

Agreed. Are you volunteering? :pinkiehappy:

I think it gives it more...um Idk how to say it but it makes it more meaningful (if i'm using the right words) It gives more feel to the story but good story i'm sorry that happened. :fluttershysad:

Great job on this... I'm not one to feel from reading, but this is still excellent.

3394466 & 3394528:

Thank you for reading, and I hope the "feels" were beneficial. I had never written a sad story before, but I'd always loved reading them - I'm one of those strange people that needs a good cry on occasion.

:pinkiehappy:

Well if you want you can check out my story. Its sad and people have been liking it alot. Its my first story i've posted and if you can tell me what you think and like (if you do like it) than thanks. And who said anyone was normal anyway? I'm not normal and I know it :pinkiecrazy: lol

Powerful stuff bro too good work, I know how you feel, may he rest in peace (even though I don't know him, but that doesn't matter.):fluttercry:

~..........

3398695

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I've edited this to near perfection now, some days later. It still makes me cry. I'm okay with that.

3405138
I feel sorry for you, hope your days get better and better and something good will happen to your life.:pinkiesad2:

Mankind was not built to feel such emotion

3434058

You know, I just read this again after receiving a glowing review via PM - wow. I cried for a second time.

Sometimes I really hate writing.

3522874 you lose a person, you get two who were half of the person they were
:applejackunsure:
in the end, you only have your words, and that too makes me sad

This story makes me cry all the time. I know nobody reads it now, but... over Christmas especially, I'm a sad small horse.

:fluttercry:

3687189 I read it. I know this is trite, and there's nothing I can do about it, but I'm so sorry for your loss.

Finally read this.


I cried a little.

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