- Member Since 14th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen Jul 16th, 2020
Bakmah Genesis
Insanity is only those of the vivid imagination
Bakmah Genesis
Joined 14th Jul, 2013 ·
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So only 57 view yet there are 143 likes? Seems legit. So how many alts do you have?
4656436
I got rid of the original chapter because of the hate it got. I uploaded the revised version
Bakmah, this was a much better read than the previous version, I have to say. Much better flow and structure this time around, too.
Just a few errors. Some new, some not so much.
'They ranged from hoofmade candles' — You're missing a word there!
'in the white walls she and Celestia had used many' — 'her' is technically incorrect there. 'she and Celestia' rolls off the tongue better.
Captialize 'she' there. Minor little things.
Braunze isn't a word, as far as I know (and a quick google search mostly confirmed it). The word you're likely looking for is either 'brawn', as in an alternate word for strength or power or 'bronze', a shiny, brown-colored metal. This error was in the original.
The words 'in content' just sound weird and interrupts flow here. You could use the adjective 'contentedly' instead to get the same point across and not interrupt flow.
Um... what? That doesn't read right at all. There's a missing noun that you accidentally covered with an extra 'member'. This one was in the original version, too.
4656460 Ahh, ok. That makes sense.
Saving this one for a rainy day...
Here's hoping I like it!
Hm, not much changed, but still, well done all the same, still a very enjoyable story.
and it just goes downhill from there
if this is revised, i'd hate to see the original
Oh.
Also, pedo Celestia. But other than that, this was a pretty decent clopfic.
Loved it!
hehe very good indeed
Need an editor's pass.
Some typos and suggestions (beside those mentioned before):
Battles, Peace Treaties, Acenstions,
-ascensions
"Oh? Something I never taught that Twilight didn't teach herself?
maybe: learn herself ?
She also remembered what happened after words.
-afterward
the strongest of stallions in a competition of braunze.
-bronze ?
I...I was too eager...to naive....
-too naive
She let out a small whine as she stopped just at the tip leaving it sit there for a few moments
-sitting there
The combined of her own orgasm and Twilight keeping up her rhythm
- The combined ????? of her
Her magic brought it's focus
Twilight parted her lips and pushed her own muscle into her elder's mouth, exploring it's depths
Twilight's moan became a loud gasp borderline scream as the tip made it's way into her.
Twilight blinked as Celestia laid her head next to hers, a soft snore already easing it's way out of her mouth.
-its
"her member into her member."
- nope ;)
- Like "irregardless" it is a pure logic fail. it should be "could NOT care less."
"could care less" makes as much sense as saying
"Mr. X nodded in complete, 100% agreement. He could agree more."
See here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCUsPnKD1gk
John Cleese rants about the American misuse of "Could care less"
Love the story
4662527
i like her like that.
intersting story
......why can i not think of a clop fic that involved a twlestia mind swap before this -.o? surely it's impossible this has not already been done , right?.....
oh k so this turned out to be a body tf not mind swap....
also what scene does the cover image for this take place in exactly?.....
4666619 Yeah she might as well say Dear, Princess Celestia
You are a great learner you learned me well.
4666619 And stop being a grammar nazy its annoying
4708294
I won't be a bad boy anymore, m'kay?
4708424 Wow, Idk what just happened but those words kinda neutered me.
Needs a bit more work in editing. There are random periods in places there shouldn't be, wrong cases of words (to and too being one of them) and some sentence copying.
Decent first start, but not fully there on the execution level. Could have been more intense.
Pedophile
Funny, why does the description of Celestia's chambers remind me of Dumbledore's Office at Hogwarts. Is it a coincidence that they both had a pet phoenix? Hmm...
And another thing. I believe that Twilight is of age, so that doesn't make Celestia a pedophile, but she clearly is in a huge age difference between the two. Almost a 'cradle robber', or is Twilight the 'grave robber'?
This needs a sequel or at lest a small epilogue.
This story was mediocre, at best. It has minimally entertaining sex and a confused emotional core (Is Twilight upset about what happened back then? It's never quite clear, and either way, Celestia comes off as a karma-Houdini.) The typographical errors pushed it over the edge. No upvote from me.
5163557
The implications, though, are that Celestia has stuck her dick in Twilight before, as “punishment” during their lessons. Those lessons did happen while Twilight was underage, so Celestia committed a serious crime. (I know, replying to an old comment…)
The unconfirmed implications are a bit of a nuisance, the grammar mistakes being an even larger annoyance. Despite that, it was an interesting story.
I liked the story, but I was hoping for Twilight to realize too late. "Oh Shit, I'm about to knock myself up!"
LOL!
But the rest of the story sounds like a hell of a lot sexual criming was going on back then.
I like this story.
pretty huge non-con vibes. you should add that tag imo.