Cobolt Soundwave
Joined 19th Jul, 2013 ·
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Cobolt Soundwave · 7k words · 181 12 · 4k views
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Another nice story created by your great {Clop filled} mind
You did a great job. I like how you balance the romance as well as the clop in your story. It felt like it could really happen it didn't play out like a bad porno movie. I love the game night idea as a way to get Twi to relax, she always came off as a closet gamer to me lol
. Your pairing in my opinion was spot on as well. I think Dash would be the perfect one to join those two in a relationship. If anything I would love to see more of this couple in the future. Keep up the great work can't wait to see what you put out next. 
4347103 I was actually thinking that I might either do a sequel to this story or actually create a full story revolving on the aftermath of this. I don't know yet what I will do for it but I'm just going to try and finish my other story first before I try and make another full length one, and glad you liked it
makes me happy to know that you guys like my stories 
really it does, especially since I'm just starting out. I had always liked writing stories ever since middle school, and that love grew since then so after being on fimfiction.net for about a year I decided to finally try my hand at the whole story writing thing 
and I see that from all the comments I got from the last story I wrote that you guys Really seem to like them. Look forward to many more stories, clop and non-clop alike. 
4347103 Also I wouldn't mind helping out with your story and editing if you really need one. From a writer to a writer, I'd like to help you out.
Ok besides bein a bit confused when t fic was both
n' 
at t same time 
. I found this pretty great read even with it's few minor errors 
n' was glad that i gav it a chance anyways 
4347308 Can't wait to see what you have down the pipe. I would love to see ether a full story or just a squeal to this this story. I have to see it when they tell the girls about their relationship. Not only will they have to tell that Spike and Twilight are in a relationship but now Dash is in it as well. I want to see how they all take it. I know Pinkie will throw a massive party for them lol. I would also love to see Twi telling her family (you don't see that often enough. And you can't beat the awkward moment of not just telling them that you re dating your oldest friend who is of another species but that now you also have a marefriend as well lol
) Besides I get the feeling those three would have a tone of "sexy times" (get it? lol) together. 
4347314 Thanks that would be great really. If you read it you can see I have the idea and creativity down in spades. But my grammar could use some work so having a editor is just what I need. But I wouldn't bug you with it too much, if it means me slowing down you pumping out more great work like this.
4347320 Thanks forgiving it a chance and I'm glad you liked it.
As for the errors, I try my best since I proofread it and edit it myself since it's proving to be slightly difficult find someone willing to edit my stories for me. 
4347334 It wouldn't be any trouble at all since my school semester has reached it's end I will have plenty of time on my hands for the next couple of months.
4347339
n' whenever u get round to that sequel, i'll find time to giv my thoughts on that too 
Ur welcome
hot damn that was awesome
i demand a sequel! and if possible adding the other girls to the Herd
4347442 Glad you liked it.
As for a sequal I just might do that, but for the herd that might possibly be another story altogether, I'd like to keep this between SpikexTwilightxDash for this one. and if you like this one, it would mean a lot to me if you checked out my other stories as well. 
4347468
two awesome fics for the price of one? HELL YEAH!
i'll take a gander
What is Game Night?
Good story
and it involves my two favorite Spike ships at once. I for one would love to see either a sequel or a continuation of this. 
I will say but a few words;
Continue this, please.
~OreoKookie
Play some GTA V.
4349111 GODDAMMIT GAVIN!!!
4351009 It's going to happen. I just need to work some more on my other story first, than I will start work on it afterwards, I just want to advance in the storyline a bit more.
4351431 Hmmmmmm, not a bad idea for a beginning right there, thanks mate.
Okay, this was nice, but there are some slightly damning problems. Mostly that you're fairly repetitive most the time. There's no reason to put something narrative if a character is going to say it and vice-versa.
In 4 sentences you said they were getting close 4 times essentially.
He could feel Dash's marehood quivering as well as Twilight's. They were reaching their peak, and he was not far behind.
"S-Spike, I'm getting close."
"Me too, Spike! Let's cum together."
You do this constantly. Every Time someone speaks or thinks the same information is provided in the exact same way in the narration.
Here's a different example.
Look how often you use the same words.
Rainbow let out a final cry, arched her back off the bed, grabbed onto the sheets with an iron-grip for dear life. and pushed her head farther into the pillow.
Exact same thing, but it reads hundred times smoother and easier.
This basically destroys the flow of the reader throughout the story, and that's really the only problem here. There's nothing distinctly wrong with the characters per-say, the concept is solid enough, the sex scene works nicely, and you do portray their thoughts and feelings. You're essentially killing the story with repetition. You have something could be pretty great and it's falling short.
P.S.I am a little disappointed cause I thought things would get out of hand with little comments and bets instead of simply kissing after winning. I expected Rainbow Dash to says something like "Psh, like you could win. In fact, if you win I'll suck your cock, but if I win you have to clean my house tomorrow." or something.of that nature. Then the story would move from there.
4353667 I appreciate that you would help me out that way, by telling me what I could improve on. Now, I am just starting out I simply thought that what was out of quotations was in their heads. Not them actually speaking.
Second, I don't believe that Rainbow Dash would go that far and tell Spike that if she lost, she would do anything sexual to him. Doesn't seem like her to me, but I will try and not be as repetitive with my words. Again, like I said I'm new to this, I'll get better, but never perfect.
4353740 I'm not entirely sure what
really has to do with the repetition issues.
Narration is storytelling. It's your chance as the narrator to place the pieces that dialogue won't give us. It allows you to describe scenes, characters, thoughts, actions, behavior, and so much more. Narration is painting a picture with words. It does encompass the things inside characters head: Their fears, their motivation, their reasoning, their feelings both emotional and physical, and really anything they don't openly share, but it's far from limited to it. It's also not dialogue, which is them speaking and where you use quotation marks.
This also feels largely irrelevant to the problem which is repetitiveness. You need to mix up your vocab, clean up a few things and make them less wordy, and separate your dialogue from your narration.
Here's an example of the wordiness,
Spike turned his head and looked Twilight in the eyes, or, Turning his head, Spike looked Twilight in the eyes, even, Spike turned his head to look Twilight in the eye.
Anyone of those would allow you to omit a number of words and, most importantly, not use look twice in the same sentence. You should aim to not have to use the same word over and over, it gets boring for the reader.
No one's ever perfect and such expectations would be unrealistic. I'm showing you your biggest hurdle and trying to help you improve and get over it.
My P.S. was less about any sort of problem with the story and more my personal expectation coming in. I had expected the games to play a larger part in the amorous activities. The games themselves are almost irrelevant to the plot aside from them being a reason for Rainbow Dash to be there. And Rainbow Dash's cocky attitude and competitive streak are a potentially great way for things to get out of control. Rainbow Dash would be the first person to agree to something like Strip Poker because she doesn't feel like she can lose most of the time. Knowing she's never lost a game of the pony version of Battleship, I think the real question is who would be crazy enough to go against her
Yeah, I try to not be repetitive, it's just when I wrote it, I guess you could say that my mind thought two different things when they weren't. So I'll work on that, and it kinda happens when you type for a while( at least to me it does), but I'll try and make so that it doesn't happen as much or that I make it nonexistent.
P.S. I didn't want to have them just come over, have sex and them be done with it. The whole video games things was simply something to give it an opening, and excuse to bring Dash over to the house.
4357394 You didn't actually hit reply so I only happened across this cause I thought it was odd you hadn't replied yet.
Yeah, late night and typing marathons can drain the brain, editors always prove the perfect cure for such afflictions.
P.S. I understand that, it would be whiplash fast and terribly awkward. The title just is a little bit of a odd choice, naming the story after a plot device and all.
That was amazing.
4359440 Yeah I'm still looking for someone to help me with editing since I try my best to re-read my own stuff and do it myself.
4362477 Looking for Editors Group
4361961 Glad you liked it, I'm in the middle of making the sequel right now. Hopefully after writing this and reading some other of my friends stories, I can make some improvement to how I set things up in the story and how I write.
4362719 Cool.
What?...WHAT!? We've broken over a hundred likes and favs. on this story. Never did I think that this story would get this well-liked so quickly, and I intend to keep on bringing good stories to you guys...and girls out there. I know there are a more than a few out there. So thank you for your support on my story, it means a lot.
I read halfway through this fic before I noticed it was anthro
I've never been so crushed
4380940 well to each his own man. I ain't gonna make ya read something you don't wish to. Thanks for givning it (half)read anyway.
P.S. How did you miss the anthro tag?
4382560 I was too distracted by the Mature and Sex tags
and for what it's worth, it wasn't poorly written at all. Anthro just isn't my thing.
4384116 That's fine, I totally understand. There's people who don't like the whole human in equestria thing while I don't care. If it's good I read it.
I actually did not see the mature or other tag at all. I do not like these types of stories.
4387131 sorry, but these aren't the only ones a write so there are others.
i would really like a sequel but maybe a little longer.
4404148 There is a sequel, I am currently working on it. Just finishing another one of my stories right now and I'll be sure to get a move on on that one.
4351395 at least you didn't ask a user named oreo killer that
that wouldn't have ended well 
4406228
(I never use those icons...)\
Ha, we have talked before, he is a general in the Kookie Army, and we make haste of those who doubt our ability...
~OreoKookie
4406363 (why not? They're fun...) well that's oximoronic
4406519
(I don't know... it's odd...) Just because it says Killeroreo does not mean he kills Oreos, it means he is a deadly Oreo, and nothing less... oh, wait, I just read over the message again... Oreo Killer... oh my, he is the worst of the worst, mean and such a brute, but, he is good. I want to talk to him, but I can't seem to find him anywhere... damn...
~OreoKookie
4406820 He'a my twin, I have hinted him for century's. At last I will have my revenge!
4406924 hunted...I meant hunted.
4406927 total meant hinted
4406927
4407241
How can I take that seriously, that fail on grammar was just to perfect, and for that, you have made my night. Goodnight mates.
~OreoKookie
4407895
forget you guys I'm going home. 
4407895 just kidding, it was late when I typed that. I was tired.
4408293
Hehe, I would go home with you... hehe...
~OreoKookie