- Member Since 10th May, 2014
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MrWriterWriter
If anyone recognizes me from Fanfiction.net, Hey guys! It's me.
MrWriterWriter
Joined 10th May, 2014 ·
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Nice start.
Don't mean to be critical within an hour of the story being published... but using lots of 'tab's to get the signature on the letter on the right was a mistake. On most mobile devices or smaller monitors it puts parts of the thing on the right and parts on the left. Since FimFiction doesn't allow you to right align things trying to put stuff on that side is doomed to failure. I actually had to switch to a desktop to make sure that was the case here. You're really better of keeping them on the left, maybe double 'tab' the "Signed" and triple 'tab' the actual signature. That gives the same effect without buggering it up on all but the tiniest screens.
There is no way of telling who is speaking here... and as a reader I kinda really wanna know who is referring to Luna as "Aunt". It sort of impacts the dynamic of their relationships ya know? I mean Spike later calls Celestia "mom" but the whole sibling thing between Spike and Dusk could be wrangled to explain a similar relationship for Dusk.
On a related note, you need to work on scene changes. Going from talking in Golden Oaks to talking to Celestia in the throne room with an unknown number of witnesses with only a bold "Canterlot Palace" really doesn't cut it. The first six paragraphs of that scene made it seem like they were having a private meeting elsewhere in the palace... by the end of the chapter we still don't know who all was there.
The perils of talking in public.
I'll admit this is the first story I've personally read where:
1) we have a R63 Twilight with normal Spike as his brother.
2) Spike calls Celestia his "mother"
3) we have a R63 version of Flash Sentry named Flare Warden. I accept the name as fanon!
SO, is Spike aged up in this?
8127704 Whoops! My bad.
Trixie. I love you, but that was a complete d
move.
Okay so Spike get's the CMC as his future lovers, but does that mean that Dusk get's the Mare of the Mane 6 and Trixie or what, also will any other mare that catchs the eye of Dusk or Spike be dragged into this?
I didn't think it was going to be this type of clop in it.
8127826 Gah! lol my aim was WAY off on the keyboard there.
So, Fluttershy wants Spike along with the CMC, while Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack(?) try to get Dusk? Four each. Evens out. Poor Trixie will just have to watch from the sidelines wondering what could have been?
Run...run your Beautiful men...run as far as you can, BE FREE (before your not)
OH YES ANOTHER DUSK HAREM STORIE PLZ ADD A CHAPTHER WITH ERIS UMBRA NIGHTMARE MOON AND CHRYSALIS AT SOME POINT!!!!! PLZ
So, does Spike have to find three as well?
*Eyes the CMC tag* Ooh!
Normally I wouldn't much like Twilight being a guy but I accept this
8127826 that wasn't a spelling error.
That was a feature
8127836 That's half right.
Other than that, looks solid. Sorta like Dusk's abs. Carry on!
8128294 There's a couple more, but decided I'd add them as they showed.
"In lieu" means "in the place of" or "instead of". Such as in: "In lieu of the trip you won, we will give you a cash prize of equivalent value," or "in lieu of birthday presents, please donate to Canada Blood Services."
Question: are other girls such as Sunset, Ember, and Starlight gonna appear in this fic?
8128807
Yes.
8128815 I see. If I have to guess Sunset would hook up with Dusk, Ember with Spike, and it could go either way with Starlight but I think she'll lean toward Spike. But that's just my prediction.
8128815 Are Flare Warden and Sonota Dusk gonna be part of Dusk's harem as well?
8128969 fraid not.
s2.quickmeme.com/img/88/88db082ed0dac7d69eae63ba1355c4247a7fbf4c53114fc7f1671d0a4e6ea64b.jpg
Was wondering when that would pop up
>> alphasteel with trixie for dusk
8128829 Naa make it interesting and mix it up a bit; Sunset to Spike and Ember to Dusk, Starlight gets double teamed.
so far loving this story!!
Omg this story had me laughing keep going I'm gonna fave and bookmark
Hope Trixie gets a spot with Dusk.
I couldn't stop laughing Good story so far And Sweetie Belle scores a critical Hit on Rarity
At least, Spike, wasn't the one that got R34. Sexy for pics? Yes. But a real kick in the nuts. Literally!
Good start!
Another great story. Love what's happening and where this is going!
8130191 you mean R63?
8130611
R63 is Rule 63: Every character has a gender-flip of him or her! Dusk Shine is the male version of Twilight Sparkle, Butterscotch is the male version of Fluttershy, and so on...
8130191
Rule 34: Porn of it exists
Rule 63: There's always a gender-flied version of a character, no exceptions.
8131010 I know what R63 and R34 are, I was asking DarkDman he apparently put 34 by accident.
Need more, want to see where this could go
Zzzzzz Zzzzzz Zzzzzz Zzzzzzz...
Well this looks like it will be a interesting story, and i do like the premise, i just hope this doesn't go down the obvious path of Dusk getting the rest of the Main Six and Spike the CMC, and i hope that you decide to mix things up a little, to keep things interesting.
On the other hand i do like the idea of Sunset Shimmer and even Flare Warden (which says alot since i hate her male version) being paired with Dusk does catch my interest quite a bit more.
Either way good luck
(Edit)
Maybe i Should explain, it is not like i don't like Dusk or Twilight being parried with any of the Main Six, it is just that i am burned out of harem's using the five for Twilight/Dusk without a twist to it, heck i have even seen stories with that harem layout and this same type of Plot only this time it is Dusk.
I will admit i will say that having Spike get his own harem too adds some flavor but i really never got why he was shipped with the CMC (other then Sweetie Belle) for any other reason then them being in the same age group, which is a bit moot to me now that there all adults.
Either way i just hope that the path taken for this story is going to mix it up then just go for the easy to guess characters, i mean we do have a great number of both Side and Background characters with there own fun personality's that could be used and a number of which have there own friendships and connections to Dusk Shine.
In fact that is reason was why i so happy and excited to read about both Sunset Shimmer and Flare Warden being mentioned in the beginning of the chapter to be attracted to Dusk in this story and i really hope that the writer follows up on that latter on.
(End Edit)
8130125 more like
And once you do get your cutie mark, do you still want to be his consort?
......................
So…Fluttershy is after Spike or after Dusk? or is she after both? I'm a bit confused into what does she mean by four? Oh! or she is putting herself on the bet too and want to know if she can participated in how gets Dusk or Spike?
8127836 There's no rule saying the consorts have to be exclusive to one prince. They could share them all.
I fucking lost it at the sempai part, holly shit I have not laughed that hard I ages
Here's a possible loophole Dusk and Spike didn't think of. From what I know of the law, it doesn't say when they had to get consorts.
This is amazing!
I had no idea I needed this story in my life. Definitely can't wait for more!
8133422
Probably it does since Celestia say that they need to find them, if not why were they so alter? just ignore the law and go tell Celestia 'we will do it later' problem solve right?
Or I don't know, they just panic and didn't though of that either
8133939
I think it still works because of those things. Celestia is almost as bad a prankster as Discord, it would fit her character for something like this. I say she's either playing matchmaker or trolling the two. Heck she's probably doing both. Tia would have known how the two would react, and since she has to tell them about the law anyway, she might as well have some fun doing it.
Also when Twilight/Dusk and Spike panic they tend to miss certain things. (Though that might be part of the writers fault.) Hence them not realizing such a loophole.