This Is All I Have To Give You.
Good evening, mares and gentlecolts, today we follow the journey of two princesses. Celestia is the larger of the two and the elder; Luna is the younger and the smaller. Today they are on a very important journey into the depths of Ponyville. The have left their castle for one reason and one reason only. To hunt The Derpy.
Let us tune in to their complex, deep, meaningful reasoning for wanting to imprison such a beautiful creature.
“Luna—”
“The Derpy hath broke our tower!”
“I’m sure it was an accident.”
“She flew into our tower and knocked it over! This is unacceptable!”
“If you will just relax for a moment, I’m sure we can work this out.”
“No! We loved that tower! It was our home for a millenium!”
“. . . Luna, we can build another.”
“Thus sayith thee! Thy tower was not demolished!”
“Why do you even want to catch her?”
“A debt must be paid. And she will pay.”
Watch as Luna seethes in anger. See the hate in her wild eyes? Watch as she hoists her bear traps and poisoned blow darts over her shoulder and flies into the sky, her sister in reluctant tow with a net over her shoulder. Their majestic wings carry them swiftly to their target: Ponyville, a land of dangers and shadows.
Let’s hear them stealthily and inconspicuously ask questions of the natives.
“Where is The Derpy! Where is she! Tell us now!”
“Luna! Stop! She’s not supposed to be blue!”
“Can’t . . . brea . . . nee . . . air. . . .”
Listen to their investigative prowess.
“But she has muffins, sister! She must know something!”
“That’s a bagel.”
“And her coat is grey! The wretched color of vile wickedness. . . .”
“Luna, put down the rock; you’re starting to scare her. And take off your grey sunglasses. She’s beige, not grey.”
“. . .”
“. . .”
“. . .”
“. . .”
“Lies. . . .”
After a long day of careful investigation, it looks like they finally found a lead.
“Thou have seen the fiend?”
“Unh, no? But I know Derpy. She lives over that way.”
“Where, peasant? We must know longitude and latitude!”
“Wha . . . ?”
“She means her address.”
“Oh, well, you just follow the road until you come to the house that . . . um. You can’t miss it. You’ll know it when you see it.”
“Thank thee for thy help! Come, sister, we go!”
Our two intrepid ponies creep down the road—well, Luna creeps. Celestia majestically strolls, the sun bouncing off her voluminous mane, her glowing locks billowing in the breeze, her dainty hoofsteps leaving barely a trace along the road that dares not dirty her coat. Take a moment to admire her. She not only has beauty without, but also within. The intelligence glimmers in her ruby eyes, the—
You heard none of that.
Back to the story.
“Sister. What is that.”
“I think that’s a . . . house?”
Indeed it is, or was, a house. I’m so confused: past or present tense? As the narrator, I should have some sort of consistency. What if it’s future tense? That could be interesting. . . .
They will walk up to the house and the house will amaze and astonish them. They will be confused because the house looks like a two story tall muffin. In fact, if one of them were to try a bite, they would find that that is completely not the case at all, and it will be tasting like wood because it has been wood and will always be wood. It just will look like it isn't.
I’m done. I feel sick, and I’m pretty sure there’s an error in there somewhere. Future tense is stupid. Don’t do it.
“That house is most definitely not a muffin. Another crime committed by the evil one.”
“It’s not her fault you ate her house, Luna. In fact, you should apolo—”
“We will place this bear trap directly on her doorstep. And when she steps out of her house . . .”
“Luuunaaa.”
“Don’t talk to us like that. We’re a grown mare!”
“Look, I’m not going to let you hurt her. That’s the whole reason I came along. Let’s just talk to her, okay? I’m sure she’s sorry.”
“. . . Fine! But we do it my way.”
And so they waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And Luna got really bored.
So she set the trap: a plate of muffins, a sign specifying that they were free, and a net. Though, it should be noted that anypony who wasn’t The Derpy didn’t get free muffins. They got a straw broom to the face and ran away hissing.
All through the night they waited.
Celestia fell asleep because she had been up since the last morning.
But Luna never took her bloodshot eyes off of the door.
Eventually, she got even more bored and raised the sun five hours ahead of schedule—it’s fine, nopony’s going to notice.
There she is—was? I don’t even know anymore.
There she is: the target of so much hatred. The Derpy. Look at the way she smiles—pure evil. See how she cutely rubs her eyes in the “morning” sun—truly vile. See her smother her daughter in kisses and hugs and send her to school—oh, the four-legged humanity!
“Thee are ours. . . .”
See her skip along the path, humming a merry tune—it makes me sick.
“Closer . . . closer . . . see the muffins.”
The Derpy pauses, her crooked eyes catching sight of the plate of untouched muffins.
“Oh, boy! Free muffins!”
“Yes . . . yes!—closer, you hideous abomination. We will deal with thee without mercy.”
As The Derpy bends down to eat the muffins, Luna jumps out of the bush she was hiding in that I haven’t mentioned until now because it wasn’t relevant until now. Except, as she is jumping, her net catches on the extremely convenient tree that was planted in the ground behind her some eighty years ago, causing her to fall flat on her face.
The Derpy turns around to see Luna sprawled across the road. She wipes the muffin crumbs off of her lips—she’s just positively dripping with evil now.
“Oh! Hi, Princess Luna! I’m so glad I ran into you!”
“What dost thou mean?”
Luna gets up slowly, groaning. And I never noticed this before, but damn is she cute. I mean, have you ever really taken a close look at her? Ten outta ten—would snuggle for days.
“I broke your tower yesterday, and I wanted to apologize.”
The Derpy looks slightly less evil while she is blushing but is—who am I kidding, really? Absolutely amazing amounts of aneurysm-causing adorable abound from her appendages.
“Thou . . . thou wanted to apologize?”
“Of course! I made these special muffins just for you to say I’m sorry.”
The Derpy pulls some muffins out of her saddlebag and gives them to Luna, who eats them. Her eyes widen. The Derpy smiles and holds out her forelegs.
“I’m really sorry. Can I have a hug?”
Ever so slowly—so very, very, very slowly—like, slower than a frying pan stuck to a counter with super glue—Luna reaches forward and embraces The Derpy.
A massive cutesplosion erupts outward, coating the entire land in warm fuzzies and diabetes. The cutesplosion then implodes inward, forming a shining beacon of cute directly around The Derpy and Luna.
The bright white light disappears, and when the d’awwws clear, there is a third entity in between the two cutest beings on the face of Equestria.
And that’s how Fluttershy was born.
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This is amazing.
This.
This is best thing ever.
My brain is full of WAT
But my body now contains far fewer laughs than it did a few minutes ago.
Seriously dude, what the actual f
k is this? I don't even...
Thank you for your wonderful gift.
That's a word now.
Edit: inb4 featured. Calling it.
I don't know why, but this is great.
One small quibble.
That should be "thou," since the pronoun is the subject of the sentence.
And that folks, is how babies are made.
And here I thought it would be how Equestria was made... I'm so happy you threw me for a loop... but does that mean that this cuteness completely retconned the universe basically making Fluttershy exist prior to her own creation? The metaphysical implications alone are worth discussing, not to mention the countless practical applications.
Yeah my eyes fell out just for thinking about the amount of cute. How I'm typing this right now is a mystery .-.
....send help
4200227
Thank you.
4200248
Also thank you.
4200263
Thanks for the catch. I never did understand those, and I didn't have time to learn if I wanted to get it out on time. I'm just surprised that that's the only error.
4200290
You know it.
4200291
Please don't think too hard.
Please.
4200329
You know it.
4200475
The amount of cute was over 9000.
4201705
Emergency Spitfire delivery arriving ASAP!
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/353/1/a/mlp_fim___filly_spitfire_by_brainsucks-d5oigkg.png
4200252
I'm glad you enjoyed your present, dude!
And it looks like your feature prediction was off. No matter! You read it on your actual birthday, and you enjoyed it. Mission accomplished.
4201833
It's probably not, but it's the only one that bothered me enough to comment.
4201946
Heh. Fair enough. I didn't edit this at all yet.
4201833 You at least made the popular box.
What did I just read?
Haha, lo-
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
4202030 Results of crack obviously.
This was also a thing.
And I read it.
I would read more if there was more.
My head is full of fucks and that's all I need to finish Cookie
Good show, old chap!
I picture Morgan Freeman as the narrator. Only his soothing words ease the mental strain.
~Dash The Stampede
4201997
What'evs. You liked it, and that's all that matters.
4202030
Pure, unfiltered mind-vomit
4202052
I thought that was pretty good, too.
4202173
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130405221911/mlp/images/e/e1/FANMADE_Luna_I_see_what_you_did_there.jpg
And yes, I would pay good money to hear him narrate this.
That was a fun, quick read. Well done!
In the immortal words or Private Michael J. Caboose of the Blue Team... YES! YES! LET THERE BE CAKE!!!
4201833 It wasn't hard at all thinking that little bit of crazy. So I guess I'm sorry. There's no such thing as thinking too hard for yours truly. I'm like a flipping Olympic athlete when it comes to thought. Sprinting the whole marathon of contemplation.
I'm sending you the bill for what that cutesplosion did to me.
Type 5 Diabetes, darn you.
I'm still not sure what i read, but I was laughing all the way.
And that's how Fluttershy was born.
I'm still laughing about that!!!
4202525
Thanks.
4202530
All of the cake! Let it beeeeeee!
4203005
Tell me, what is cost for Type 5 Diabetes rehabilitation therapy?
4203022
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Though, I would recommend against thinking about it too hard.
4203173
It's the only possible explanation for her birth. What's so funny about that? You're making her cry.
Well that was fun.
I died there, well, almost. I was revived soonafterwards-
Is that a word? Aww, screw it. This story was epic.
I really like this :D
>>>As The Derpy bends down to eat the muffins, Luna jumps out of the bush she was hiding in that I haven’t mentioned until now because it wasn’t relevant until now. >>>
This... this is literary genius at work!
It shall be called 'postshadowing' henceforth!
>>>And that’s how Fluttershy was born.>>>
This is the only thing that could ever make sense.
It should be canon.
4202173 Morgan Freeman did a great job narrating "The Poop That Took a Pee" after all.
(Beware, what follows is South Park... you should know what to expect.)
4200291 Fluttershy obeys no universal constants! The Cute cannot be constrained!
4203393
fourtyfiftythousandmillion.4204080 Hooray for trans-dimensional cuteness that defies the laws of time and space! Wait! No it's like the Law of the Conservation of Fluttershy. Fluttershy can neither be created or destroyed only converted into a different form of Fluttershy... Oh dang! I'm gettin Newtonian up in this house!
Oh and as far as different forms of Fluttershy I defy y'all to tell me Fillyshy ain't the cutest thing this side of the alternate universe where everything is made out of baby Fluttershy giggles... Thou shall not defy thy Cuteness Overlord!
4203472
4204049
Glad you enjoyed it.
4203640
Thanks.
4204051
I take full credit for this discovery.
4204059
Yes.
All of my yes.
4204155
Yes. That's what.
4204257
Oh dear. . . .
I have said this on this website so many times now, but it just seems to go, so please forgive me:
Dear Sir, I object very strongly to that last scene, and to the next comment.
P.S. Exceptionally funny and agonisingly adorable!
4204411
I object to your objection, good sir!
P.S. Glad you liked it.
4204312 New theory of cosmic formation: The Big Yay
4204564
Ohmygoshyes!
Totally writing that.
4204564 Or from a more creationist standpoint.
And Fluttershy said, "let there be Yay!" and there was and she saw that the yay was good. There was morning and there was evening... the first yay...
4201833
Come again?
MAKE A FULL-LENGTH COMIC STRIP and you just might win the cute-d'awward
Given the title and the picture I was expecting something like the old Road Runner and Will-E Coyote cartoons.
But that ending.......okay admit it, M. Night Shyamalan either brainwashed you or he's holding something valuable of yours (MP3 player, Cellphone, Computer, favorite 2nd clone, etc) hostage!
*Shines a table light into NightWolf289's eyes*
We want the truth!
That was beautiful. Though the constant reference to bestpony as "The Derpy" made me think of Strong Bad, the narrator's casual attitude towards tenses made me suspect he was Discord. Or maybe the piece was just narrated by you. Whatever.
In any case, thank you for a most entertaining cutesplosion. Even if it does mean that Fluttershy was born after she became the Bearer of Kindness.
hi hi
I demand an entire story in future tense!
4204642 Let us settle the debate. Fluttershy triggered the Big Yay, such that yay could then lead to galaxy formation. The creationist version of yay was merely a simple allegory for the power of Fluttershy and not meant to portray precisely the method or timescale used for the creation of yay.
I think that made sense...
4205114 Of course it makes sense... what doesn't make sense is that you are a bleeding heathen who hasn't accepted Fluttershy as your lord and savior... Repent sinner that you may bask in the embrace of Fluttershy's kindness and love.
4205368 I shall never renounce my faith in Celestianism!
I shall smite down all the heretic Lunarians and devil-worshipping Discordians!
4205671 Oh you think you're so high and mighty with your false god's icons. The Holy Mother Luna does not require such engraved images of herself to show her authority over the sky.