• Member Since 22nd Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Feb 13th, 2019

Marshal Twilight


A smut-peddling armchair general with a love for writing and ponies.

Comments ( 45 )

Truly magic, you sir are an expert clopfic writer and the detail you put in is just incredible. I love the unique idea around it and the bluntness of Luna around the middle. Very enjoyable play scene and amazing fix. 10/10 would read again.

nice job!
keep up the good work!

Actually loved this one. It was.cute

4093254

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

4093389

I'm guessing you enjoyed it then? :rainbowwild:

4093796

You can expect more out of me, once I've gotten a good idea in my head.

4094599

It was nice writing a clopfic that was cute, instead of completely over-the-top. :twilightsheepish: Something of a vacation, if you will.

Ooh!

I'd love to see a sequel with Celestia and her guards!:pinkiehappy:

Luna.
Bat pony.
No really fucking weird shit.

10 out 10, would read again.

I love me some Lunar Guard fuckin'.

4096397

I'm not against the idea per se, but I'd rather move on to a new idea rather than recycle this one.

4096675

Thanks!

4098771

Yep, this is 100% vanilla "Luna getting spitroasted by two bat pony guards" porn. I was tempted to throw a little vampirism/bloodplay in there, what with the fangs and all, but eventually decided against it.

4099563

Who doesn't? :scootangel: Sadly there is surprisingly little of it on fimfiction, so I figured I'd add to the pot.

Hits the Slice of Life tag pretty much perfectly.

Luna felt a bit inconsistent and i would've loved a lil bit more of characterization of the two guards. But in the end, it's a clopfic and its a pretty good one.
My hoof of approval for this one :eeyup:

4100456 I mostly meant it wasn't Futa... Thank Celestia for that. Anyway, I was gonna get around to reading the rest of your works sometime today. Carry on being awesome.

Well that was fun. :rainbowwild:
Nice work.

Very well done. There's good characterization of the guards, despite being one-off OCs they have distinct personalities that come across easily through their actions without the need of backstory. Luna as well feels realistic especially in her alluring invitations of amorous intent, which gets quickly dropped to ensure that everypony knows what is expected. If you live for thousands of years, you know what you like and aren't afraid to ask for it.:raritywink:

The sex was vanilla, but that is nice to have from time to time as well, but more importantly it was well detailed and described making for a more engaging and intense experience for the reader.

All-in-all this was very well done, and shall be added to the ranks of the High Quality Mature Fiction Group.:twilightsmile:

4114497

Hey, thanks for the review! I'm glad to see that I made it clear what I was aiming for in regards to Luna's character. As for the sex, yes it's vanilla, but that was rather the point. I didn't want to scare anyone off with anything crazy. My golden rule is that unless it's what the story is about, don't include any particularly strange or unusual fetishes.

And thanks for the addition to the group! It means a lot from the guy who posted Xenophilia :twilightsmile:

4100459

Yeah, I admit the guards are a bit flat. My convenient excuse is that in a 4.5k word clopfic there's not much time for character development :rainbowwild: As for Luna, perhaps you could explain a bit more?

I loved this so much :heart:

Glorious Clop aside: I love the way you wrote Luna, 100% accurate to my head-canon. You get an A+ :D

I enjoyed this, really really hot! :heart: thumbs up!

“Very well, I will speak plainly,” Luna said, exasperation in her tone. “Do either of you have any problem with rutting me until we all collapse from exhaustion?”

:rainbowlaugh:

The only way that could've been funnier was if it was said in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

Very good, saw no grammar mistakes, potrayed the charcters beautifully, and no weird fetishes ir anything, very good 10/10:scootangel:

Lol wow, only took me just over 4 months to get around to reading this. Love it, but I spotted a little error:

she was about to get filled from either end.

That should be from both ends. :twilightblush:

“Very well, I will speak plainly,” Luna said, exasperation in her tone. “Do either of you have any problem with rutting me until we all collapse from exhaustion?”

When in doubt, be blunt :rainbowlaugh:
Works every time.

It is oddly satisfying to find a story that contains Luna and her Night Guards. There are few of them that aren't clop, let alone those that are.

And without the whole vampirism thing too? 10/10 would read again. Like seriously. Good job.

11/10 hope to read more. like and faved

This is the hottest clopfic with Luna I've seen so far. So awesome :rainbowkiss:

yeah i gotta say i really enjoyed this, kinda hot

Haha, simply amazing. Quite a fun fic.

Should have stayed true to the cover art and had Luna wear socks. That much more would have made it that much better I think.

Princess Celestia Likes :trollestia:

I really liked this story. It was highly-detailed, very hot, and has my favorite Princess!


10/10, faved, liked, and going to be reading it again


...oh, almost forgot: Spike with a Moustache'd...


:moustache:

Perrrrrrrr.....

Oddly enough, the hottest part about that was Silver Streak biting Luna just before he finished. Nothing like an affectionate nibble.

Now do Celestia. Seriously. You could pull the same theme off with an entirely different subtext. I believe in you.

Best. Luna. Clopfic. Ever...

Luna idly wondered if there was a better way to fall asleep than sandwiched between two satisfied, exhausted stallions.

Now, I've never fallen asleep between two satisfied & exhausted stallions (Although I've ridden a horse and fallen asleep while doing it, if that counts for anything.) But try this: A newly made bed, wet from a a hot shower after six hours at the gym.
Fall asleep.
Sleep for twenty years.

Now, I don't normally read clopfics...

Actually, fuck that noise. Every time I see that comment, I think the idiot making it is a coward and a liar. If they aren't, nobody gives a shit if they do so why bring it up? All in all, it just serves as unnecessary shaming. People enjoy sex. Been doing it for years, and will be doing it for years to come. Get over it.

Now what I don't normally do is comment on clopfics. I certainly almost never write reviews of them. Maybe the author is interested in hearing about how horny he or she made various random people on the internet, but I know I certainly couldn't give a fuck about how other readers got off on something. I expect none of them care that I did or didn't, and would likely get into some kind of stupid argument about my honesty if I said I didn't.

Moving on. As a proper review, my biases, expectations, and so on up front. Well, sort of up front now. I'm a woman and a lesbian. Bunch of dicks getting sucked or stuffed in someone's vagina doesn't do a thing for me. I'm very clearly not the target audience, and am really mostly here at all because this story was submitted to my group, and I don't mind reading or writing a review if that review can be entertaining or helpful or both.

I'm nominally a fan of Luna. While I am interested in her character because of the show, I have to admit I've become incredibly jaded about the fanon surrounding her. I can't really articulate well what I personally want to see out of her character were it to be expanded on, just that I've found every fanfic written about her to be a disappointment.

While I think I may have expressed my stance on clopfics, let me more seriously point out something. I read a lot of porn. I don't bat an eye at pony porn, and while I have my preferences and interests, I can appreciate a work for it's attempts at rousing an emotion, and I don't put lust in a special category separated from the others like most do. I don't consider it inherently worse or better to target laughter or sadness or fear. They're all stories, they all seek to express and resonate one or more emotions.

So on to this fic itself. For anyone familiar with my usual style of reviews, this one I'm playing by ear. It doesn't really fit my template.

So rather than come up with positive things to say first, I'll just go with some various categories. Lets examine the characters first, since this is ultimately a character-driven piece.

While not especially deep (lol...) neither Penumbra nor Silver Streak came off initially as fake. There was not much substance, but there was certainly just enough of a hint to make each one distinct and seem like possibly a real character. The story didn't give them much chance to shine, but what little was there made them feel relatable.

Their behavior, from the facehoof-worthy to the bedside manners and eventual succumbing to the throes of passion gave off that vibe of being told by someone who is relating an actual event, rather than coming across as the efforts of some virgin. Kudos to the author/Silver Streak for feeling on the genuine side.

As for Luna, I think my palm remained in contact with my forehead for quite a bit more than Silver Streak's hoof was to his. If I'd wanted to use it for self-gratification, I would have been rendered incapable of doing so. However, this story is not the place for realistic female behavior, because this is supposed to just be some fap material fantasy for some dudes. It would similarly be wrong to expect recognizable characterization in a work of this nature, when much more serious and in-depth character exploration pieces can't seem to evoke the Luna from the show very well. There is some loose (lol...) effort made to this end, but for the most part Luna still comes across as a puppet for the story that has a name and was mentally "drawn" to look like Luna to serve the fantasy. This in spite of all the "buildup details" at the start getting us into a "Luna mood."

While it would probably be a little unfair to really criticize the "plot" of this story which is blatantly porn without plot, it does at least serve to address my above reaction to Luna.

The sequences of events, as told from Luna's perspective are as follows, extrapolated from this story. Luna has been at Night Court for around 6-ish hours, and finishes it off with an annoyingly pushy petitioner. While walking (briskly) to her chambers at (if memory serves) around 4am, one of her guards asks her if everything is alright. With little prompting, she rants about the irritating earth pony and how she screamed at him. This puts her in a better mood, so of course she decides she wants to fuck these two guys. They're not difficult to convince to go along with it, and soon she has a couple of dicks to suck and fuck, then cuddles with the two through her daytime sleep.

Guard suggests she vent a little. She vents for all of five minutes tops, and this is worth bedding them.

Sounds totally legit. Lets move on and not dwell on this anymore.

So, the actual sex itself is... sort of there. Once the obligatory conversation has been satisfied so that all three ponies are in agreement that sex should happen right now, it does. Now, in something resembling the porn I usually see, I would be expecting at this point for a lot of details about what makes Luna sexy to be laid out. Maybe how her cool starry mane and tail are really attractive. They are kind of see-through near the edges. I'm sure something could be done with that. Bit of peek-a-boo with the naughty bits or something. Maybe her tall, princessly stature. Maybe the pleasing color combination scheme she gets to rock, unlike some of the more unfortunate ponies. Maybe her round ass. Long legs. Pretty face and eyes. Impressive wings. Long pointy horn. Anything?

Luna hops into bed, flops onto her back, and spreads her legs. She's got female parts. I'm quite the fan of those, personally, but... you know what? I suppose I wouldn't mind all that much myself if my bedmate were to just blatantly offer herself like that to me. I'd probably spend quite a bit more time admiring such an offering first though, and I'd enjoy it because the details would be more visual and in greater amount even with such a simple and abrupt start. We're treated to nada through text. Really, really stretching that outsourcing to audience imagination there.

One of two things that were included in the sex that approached "interesting" to me was that the first act of sex was cunnilingus. I can't even begin to tell you the number of porn videos and stories that involve 1 male and 1 female, that all have the exact same script they follow: They get naked or partially naked. Dick is at least partially hard and out at minimum. Woman sucks him for an overly long amount of time, with plenty of camera roaming action to make sure we see that dick as well as we possibly can as it repeatedly disappears in her mouth. Then, as if by some mysterious signal, they change positions and get to the fucking. Woman fakes enjoying it, possibly fakes an orgasm, some position changing may occur, then towards the end of the thing the guy indicates he's going to cum, so the woman gets into position to recieve the load, either in the face/tits or sucks it out.

So the fact that this story doesn't follow the "standard script" is at least passively interesting. Though it doesn't stray far from that script, because it doesn't take long for Penumbra to provide the necessary dick to suck on while Silver Streak eats Luna out. The fact that there are two of them means that again we can vary slightly from the script in that Luna doesn't ever stop sucking on at least one of their dicks for any longer than necessary to switch positions around, and the other gets to finish off inside her since the whole dicksucking part is taken care of by the other guy.

The other element that sort of drew my attention is that both batpony stallions have fangs, which is brought up during the moments leading up to that initial bit of cunnilingus, during the brief bit of making out Luna does with Penumbra, and lastly the first time Silver Streak finishes off inside Luna, he bites her shoulder. It seems like an element that might appeal to some parts of the audience, but there was nothing really done with the shoulder bite. No cry of pain or at least shock, no mention of if he broke the skin or not, no blood if he did, nothing. Hell, I was sort of expecting some sort of playful after the fact scene between Luna and Celestia, perhaps as they cycle the moon and sun. In that imagined scene, Celestia would comment on the wound, and Luna would have either an embarrassed or a smug response.

On to the more technical-ish side of things.

Spelling and grammar seemed up to par. Formatting and style seemed consistent and overall things were easily readable. The POV is a little bit questionable; it is predominantly told from Silver Streak's perspective, but quite a few elements are described that he would have no ability to witness, making for a somewhat detached third person omni that tries to feel like third limited. It is sort of a "porn style" more focused on dumping details on the reader rather than trying to be consistent.

The pacing was, unsurprisingly, rushed overall. It had the expected "porn pacing" in which the not-porn leadup stuff is as brief and efficient as possible at letting the reader know who and where and maybe if you're lucky a little bit of why. Then pace slams on the breaks to go into play by play detail-heavy mode for the sex. Then we're ejected from the story quickly with a little bit of wrap-up. That said, even the porn-bits felt rushed.

The level of detail was... low. I read somewhere that this is arguably one of the most important things to writing a good clopfic, so that seems worth mentioning. The again, this was written 11-ish months before the blog, so perhaps this is evidence of almost a year of talent honing?

So... conclusion time, I guess.

It's mindless clop, so don't expect too much. But even for that, it's fairly poor. Undoubtedly scores of horny guys have had this bit of horsewords do it for them, but I'd suggest that comes more from being inoffensive rather than being especially erotic. By omitting a bunch of gross or squicky fetishes and kinks, this clopfic is fairly approachable to a broad (though still probably mostly male hetero) audience.

5759824

I wasn't expecting a good review on this old thing. It doesn't even get faves anymore, usually.

Now, I'll be frank. There's not really much in your review I can disagree with. This is not a particularly good story. It's not particularly good porn. It was the result of limited experience in writing clop and a sudden desire to write about Luna getting spitroasted by her guards.

I will comment on this, though: she doesn't screw her guards just for being sympathetic to her problems. It's more to do with the fact that she's not exactly opposed to the idea of fooling around with them in general (which was hinted at when Silver thought of "rumors"). She wasn't really in the mood before her venting, granted, but it's not as if she's a vending machine that deposits sex for sympathy. Perhaps that could have been made more clear, though.

I don't really know what stories of mine you've read, but just about everything you've pointed out as flaws in this one are things that I've greatly improved in my newer ones. Characterization is a lot better, as is the pacing in general. And, yes, I have in fact massively increased the level of detail in my stories since this one. That's reflected in the length alone, considering that this is my shortest clopfic despite having about as many "scenes" as my newer ones.

So, that's about all there is to it, really. This is an old story. It's not very good. My newer ones are better, but you didn't really say anything that wasn't accurate, so it was a good review regardless, and I thank you for it.

5759938 doesn't even get faves, huh?

Boom. Faved.

I don't know why you're giving yourself such a hard time over this, I think it's great. :twilightsmile:

New fave luna story. However with a story chapter called chapter1 there must be a 2 and 3. Otherwise what would be the purpose of naming the chapter 1 and not something else like Bob?

5759938 this maybe old but it is great and very hot

Saw this one in "I just want a comment" group and it seems you have a few comments and one rather long winded review that is littered with several reasons why their opinion won't have any weight towards improving your work.

Lets start off with the positives. The two stallions are good, almost great. While you didn't give them much characterization aside from them being good Guardsmen, loyal and attentive to their Princess and one being quick on the draw and the other being a bit slow (or one has his mind in the gutter and the other is a bit more grounded) the main thing that makes them good for this type of story is that they are very simple. This makes them "Every Man" characters. Or "Every Pony". Very simple to just slip into their place and be them.

Luna comes off as believable, she is much more abrash than her sister and the fandom gives her this place as the Unattainable Perfect Woman while Celestia takes the role of the Unattainable Perfect MILF. This, along with the idea that both Princesses make use of their Guards in such way, ends credence to the story.

The sex was done well, if basic. Cunnilingus, oral sex (of the muzzle fucking variety) followed by hard rutting during a spitroast. But there was no need for variety because the ones involved were the biggest draw.

This doesn't mean it isn't without remarks, however.

I had issue several times that I forgot the guards were Thresals. While we know that Luna's guards are such, you need to make sure to accentuate their unique features. Night vision, improved hearing, the extra bit of fur on their ears and their webbed wings, etc. These help flush out the race a bit more and could be used to turn up the eroticism of the scene.

There could have been a bit more to this story in terms of meat, something to really get into. Luna at times seemed to be playing the role of sex toy rather than active participant. Having her doing a bit more during the scene, even if it was still from the viewpoint of the guards would be more satisfying in my opinion.

All in all, it's a good piece and you should look into more.

Wow making demand from a Princess withoutvgood standing... Not very smart...

What a Nightduty :twilightblush:

Its good to be the princess.

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