The Carrot Dog Fight

Carl fanned his scrawny grey wings as his friend struggled back to their tree, a carrot dog firmly clamped in his beak. “Hey, hey! Maury comes through!” The pigeon took several steps to his left, giving his friend ample room to land with his heavy load.

“You shoulda seen the look on that mook’s face!” the red jay replied, sniggering. “Musta been a tourist or somethin’. He was just standin’ there with this dog, not even lookin’ at it. Like he ain’t got a care in the whole, wide world!”

Carl pulled a small bib from the nearby nest, tying it around his throat. “You’d think these ponies would be more on the ball, eh?” Pulling out another bib, he passed it over to his friend. “Seems like they get dumber every year!”

“This one wasn’t even a pony.” Maury took a deep whiff of the carrot dog. “Ho, buddy! You smell that? I’m so hungry I could eat a bus! We won’t havta eat for a week!”

“Good, ’cause I’m wasting away over here!” Carl drooled slightly as he rubbed his wings together. “I can’t even remember the last time we got this much grub! Wait...” He stared at Maury, tilting his head to the side. “Whattaya mean it wasn’t a pony?”

Maury shrugged. “I dunno. He was some sorta lizard-thing. They got all kinds of weirdos walkin’ around Manehattan now.”

Carl pointed a wing to the base of the tree. “Well, did he look anything like that guy?”

Maury yanked off his bib and threw it onto the branch. “Ah, nuts!”

“Hey, cool it.” Carl placed a wing on his friend’s shoulder. “That little butterball ain’t getting up here. I mean, look at him! He ain’t missing any meals, eh?" The pigeon tipped his head toward the carrot dog. “Well, besides this one.”

Carl and Maury stared at each other for a moment before bursting out laughing.

~~~

“Think you’re pretty slick, huh?” Spike said quietly while quickening his pace. “We’ll see who’s laughing when I take my lunch back!”

After the red jay had stolen his carrot dog, Spike silently fumed. Rarity had given it to him as a special thank-you present for all of his hard work, and he’d been ready to savor it. With his stomach growling, he’d gone to take his first bite when a small bird snatched it out of his claws. He’d scowled as the bird flew around a corner, nearly running into a wall as it labored to carry the heavy load in its beak.

He’d wanted to complain, but his friends were in the middle of another song; Twilight always hated it when he interrupted their performances. Spike was of the opinion that maybe the girls sang a few too many songs, but they just shrugged whenever he brought it up. Frowning deeply, he’d kicked at a loose stone, trailing along behind the mares as they belted out yet another heartwarming number about the power of something-or-other. After a while, all the singing started to blend together, and he never seemed to get a verse.

However, something interesting had caught his eye after a particularly vigorous kick. Squatting down, he’d noticed that his rock had landed in blob of mustard. And a bit further along the sidewalk, he noticed a dash of relish, followed by a little speck of ketchup. “Ketchup?” Spike steepled his claws. “Yeah, catching up’s exactly what I’m going to do! No bird steals my meal!”

The trail of spilled condiments led Spike to a small park. “Aha!” he cried, spying his thief in a nearby tree. “You’ve got to the count of three to hand that carrot dog over!” Crossing his arms, he scowled up at the pair of birds.

~~~

“Or what, bozo?” Carl’s eyes bulged as his feathers ruffled. “Oh, you wanna piece of the pigeon? Whattaya gonna do, fly on up here and take it? Unless you’re hiding feathers in all that fat somewhere, you’re outta luck with us, buddy!”

Maury shook his head. “It ain’t no use, Carl. You know those walkin’ types never speak Bird.”

“Well, whatever.” Carl strutted back and forth on the branch. “That yahoo got what was coming to him, even if he don’t know it." The pigeon stopped, staring incredulously at his friend. “The nerve of these creeps nowadays! You go through all the trouble of hunting down some food and they just come around looking for handouts! Like times ain’t tough enough for us already!”

Maury shrugged, spreading his wings. “I know. Don’t nobody wanna do an honest day’s work anymore.” He stretched his neck out, leaning over to squint at the angry… whatever it was. “Looks soft, anyway. This’ll be a good lesson for him.”

“One!” Spike drummed his claws against his arm as the birds squawked and strutted across the branch above him. “They’re probably getting feathers all over my dog,” he growled under his breath.

He waited a few moments. “Two!”

Maury scowled, retying his bib. “Sheesh, give it up! Can’t a bird eat around here without all this noise?” He leaned to the side, eyeballing Spike as he said the last word.

“Three!” Spike held up three claws for them to see. “Okay, you asked for it!”

“Yeah, good for you!” Carl yelled to Spike as the dragon stomped toward the tree. “I know a hippo at the zoo that can count all the way to five, but you just keep trying, buddy!”

“Whoa, hey!” Maury began backing away. Below them, the dragon sank his claws deep into the tree’s bark, hoisting himself up the trunk rapidly. “That little guy can really climb!” He turned to stare at his friend, wide-eyed. “You think maybe…”

“Yeah, I think you got the right idea.” Carl cocked his head toward the carrot dog, his eyes never leaving the dragon. “Grab that thing. Let’s get outta here!”

Spike was halfway up the tree when the birds took off with his carrot dog. Growling, he pounded his fist into the tree’s trunk. “Now what?” he said, watching them fly away.

“Maybe lay off the snacks next time, tubby!” Passing overhead, Carl stuck his tongue out at the fuming dragon. “Heh, look at the shmuck!” he said to Maury, sniggering. “Like he lost his best—holy crow!”

Both birds banked sharply as a huge seagull plummeted toward them. Twisting in midair, the gull angled in toward Maury.

“GIMME DAT!” the gull screamed, snapping at the carrot dog. “You two take a blow to da head lately? You forget how it works around here?”

Carl adjusted his wings to catch a thermal, rising sharply away from the snarling sea bird. “Blow it out your tail feathers, Cecil! We ain’t no gulls and we don’t answer to none of you! You clowns think everything’s yours! We gotta eat too, ya know!”

“Be dealin’ with you in a minute, bub!” Cecil replied. “But for now…” He banked, bearing down on the overburdened red jay. The smaller bird flapped for all he was worth, but made little headway against the powerful gull. “…I got me a meal to catch!”

Pumping his giant wings, the gull soared upward. Directly overhead, Cecil’s shadow engulfed the panicked jay, and he grinned savagely. Taking aim, the gull folded his wings against his body and fell.

Maury gasped, losing his grip on the carrot dog as Cecil slammed into him. He snapped at it, but was too late: the massive gull snatched the carrot dog from the air.

“’Ater, ’umps!” Cecil grinned at Maury from around the buttery bun. “’Aybe ’ext—”

Cecil careened wildly in the air as a layer after layer of white, steaming liquid fell onto his face.

“And that’s why they call me a stool pigeon!” Carl yelled, diving after the carrot dog.

Below, Spike ran for the falling dog, his claws outstretched, but he pulled up short when the pigeon swooped down and grabbed it in midair. “Come on! Really?!” Spike threw his arms up, watching helplessly as the bird fly away with his meal. His stomach gave a long, rumbling growl. “For Pete’s sake, I just want to eat my lunch!”

Carl dove for the relative safety of the nearest tree but spread his wings wide, attempting to backpedal at the last second as the seagull cut him off. Flapping desperately, the pigeon searched for some way around, but Cecil's titanic wings seemed to be everywhere at once. He’s like a friggin’ wall of feathers or something! Carl thought, sweating a little, he searched for some way out. I gotta get away from him or—

“Wiseguy, huh?” Cecil shook his head, snarling. “Seems like we got two birds dat don’t remember howta act when they come to da waterfront! How many times we gotta tell you clowns?! We control da food on this side of the city!” The seagull pounced, locking his beak around the nape of Carl’s neck. Still beating his powerful wings, the seagull began tossing his head from side to side, shaking the pigeon.

“Hey—oof—ow!” Carl kicked and flapped, Cecil’s sharp beak tearing feathers from his neck. “Lemme go, you nutcase! I ain’t even got the dog no more!” Both birds looked down, groaning as the carrot dog landed neatly in the lizard-thing’s outstretched claws.

“Finally!” Spike’s claws closed around the delicious dog. “Nice try, birdbrains! Better luck next time.”

Inspecting the dog, he grimaced. It was a little worse for wear. Several beak marks scored the once-pristine surface of the bun, and the condiments were getting a little light. Shrugging, the dragon raised the dog to his open mouth.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Maury pulled out of a desperate power dive. Just as he reached the dragon, he unleashed several ferocious jabs with his beak to the top of Spike’s skull. The jay gasped, his head ringing like a bell. It was like pecking solid steel. Spike lowered the carrot dog and glowered up at him.

“Oh, criminy! My achin’ beak!” His vision doubling, Maury fought to stay airborne. “That thing’s skin is hard!” Distracted, he barely managed to dodge the clawed hand that swatted at him.

“Get out of here! Leave me alone!” Spike ducked as the jay careened through the air, nearly tumbling into the dragon’s face. “Somepony special gave me this carrot dog, and it’s—argh! Are you kidding me?!”

The momentary distraction had provided the gull with the perfect opportunity. Pouring on the speed, he’d snatched the carrot dog from the dragon’s claws. Laughing, Cecil flew away, clutching the carrot dog in his beak.

Maury took off after the gull. “Uh uh! No way, no how are you gettin’ that dog! We’re done lettin’ you guys eat everythin’! It stops today!” With his smaller wings, he knew he couldn’t match Cecil’s power, but he could use his superior agility to fly circles around the gull. “Carl, we gotta work together! Cut this joker off!”

“You got it!” Carl banked sharply toward the gull, growling. “It’s payback time!”

Cecil snarled something unintelligible from around the bun, staring at the pigeon balefully and angling away from a mid-air impact. Flapping and twisting, he barely got his head around in time to keep the red jay from snatching the dog. His smile lasted less than a second before Carl flew out of his blind spot and wrenched the meal from his mouth.

Cecil blinked in disbelief for a moment, staring after the fleeing pigeon. “Dat’s it! I’m done playin’ with you two!” His muscles standing out in cords, the gull growled, pumping his enormous wings. In a flash, he was on the pigeon, snatching a grey wing in his powerful jaws. Carl screamed as the gull began grinding the pigeon’s delicate bones between his beak.

Pouring on as much speed as he could muster, the red jay caught up to the burdened seagull. Spitting out obscenities, Maury yanked out two tail feathers from the gull’s rump. “Oh, didn’t like that, huh?” he yelled as Cecil turned to stare at him with a single, incredulous eye. “You think you’re so tough ’cause you’re big? Well, you ain’t got nothin’!” Maury viciously tore out another feather. “Nothin’!”

“Oh, you’re askin’ for it, chump,” Cecil said quietly, spitting out the wounded pigeon. “You crossed da line!” Wheeling more adroitly than Maury had expected, Cecil grabbed the jay by the throat and tossed him into the trunk of a nearby tree. As the dazed jay fell fluttering to the ground, the gull swooped, catching Maury again in his webbed feet. Tucking his wings, Cecil dropped like a stone. "You're hungry, huh? Then eat dirt, wimp!” With a roar, Cecil launched the red jay at a large rock as he pulled out of his dive.

A few yards away, Spike stood, blinking. “Wh-what’s going on here?” His gaze travelled back and forth between the three birds. “I thought they just wanted my lunch...” Frowning deeply, the dragon ran toward the massive gull. “Hey! You leave that bird alone!”

Maury felt several feathers snap when he slammed into the stone. Gasping and coughing, he cracked one eye open to see Carl wheeling around, trying to get back to him. “No!” he croaked, attempting to wave the pigeon away. “Get outta here!”

“Good advice.” Zigzagging in for a haphazard landing, Cecil glared at the jay. He flexed his ragged tail frantically, attempting to keep from crashing into the ground. “Think you’re pretty cute, pullin’ out tail feathers, huh?”

Landing in a heap, Cecil quickly rose, dusting himself off as he walked to where Maury lay. Somewhere behind him, the lizard-thing was yelling, but Cecil didn’t pay it any mind. If it needed a reminder of who was on top in this town, he’d be happy to oblige. He just needed to deal with these two misfits first.

“Too bad you were too dumb to take your own advice when you had da chance.” Looming over Maury, the gull allowed a menacing smile to slowly stretch across his face. As the jay tried to scramble away, Cecil stepped on Maury’s tail feathers, pinning him in place. “Nobody comes to da docks and treats gulls like chumps.” The gull leaned down, his face nearly touching the bleeding jay's. “Nobody. Now I gotta teach you a hard lesson. Hope you weren’t too attached to flyin’, ’cause after today, you’ll be walkin’ everywhere.”

“Not gonna happen!” Carl swooped in and stabbed at the gull with his needle-sharp beak. Crying out, the gull threw his wings over his head.

“What are you? A total friggin’ moron?” Cecil yelled. “Here I was, out of da goodness of my heart, tryin’ to cut you a friggin’ break, and you come back for more?” The gull snapped at the pigeon, lightning fast, plucking him from the air, and slamming him down next to the dazed jay. “Have it your way, pal! Ain’t no feathers off my back if you need a little reminder, too. I can readjust two attitudes as quick as one!”

Carl and Maury waited, hiding behind their wings. Above them, Cecil reared back for what was sure to be a crippling blow.

“Sorry,” Carl whispered. “I tried.”

Maury swallowed hard. “I know you did. You’ve been a real pal over the years. At least we went down swingin’, huh?”

The gull rolled his eyes, grinning ferociously as his beak stabbed down at them. “Dat ain’t gonna be too big a comfort when—”

Cecil leapt into the air, his tail feathers ablaze. Squawking and beating his tail with his wings, he landed heavily several yards away. The two friends’ mouths fell open as they watched the gull disappear into the brush, managing to ignite a few dead branches along the way. Slowly, they both swiveled their heads to where Spike stood, breathing heavily. Thick smoke was still pouring out from between the dragon’s lips. Both birds turned to look at each other, swallowing hard.

Maury’s eyes widened. “Holy crow! That guy can breathe fire!”

“He… he coulda fried us whenever he wanted to,” the pigeon replied in a faraway voice. As the dragon walked over and retrieved the carrot dog from where Carl had dropped it, both birds sagged, defeated.

“Ha! Finally!” Spike tipped his head back and opened his mouth wide. He was about to drop the entire carrot dog in when he spied the bedraggled, shivering birds, their wings still wrapped around each other. Spike sighed as they stared longingly at his meal. He lowered the carrot dog and squinted, scrutinizing the birds. They're… they're so thin. Scowling, he trudged toward them.

Maury chuckled weakly, his eyes frantically darting around. “Ah, heh-heh! Now, about takin’ that carrot dog…”

“Here,” Spike thrust his lunch toward the battered birds. He grimaced, his stomach growling in protest. “Take it!” Screwing his eyes shut, he still looked away, and the birds stared back up at him, their eyes wide and unblinking. “Look, I…” The dragon sighed, slumping as he looked down at his meal. “My friend gave this to me—a really special friend. That’s why I was so mad that you took it.”

Spike squatted down, his frown deepening as the birds flinched from him. “But you guys look like you don’t get enough to eat. I guess that seagull must be stealing your food, and, well… you guys stuck together, even though he was bigger than you. Where I come from, friendship like that says a lot.” Leaning toward them, Spike rested his elbows on his knees. “Look, if I don’t eat this, I’m going to be hungry until we finally go get some dinner, but if I do, I won’t be able to sleep tonight.” The dragon sighed, bringing the delicious treat to his nose and inhaling. His stomach growling in protest, he set the carrot dog down in front of the birds. “So here. I… You guys don’t know Rarity, but I don’t think I could look her in the eye if I didn’t give this to you.”

Maury and Carl waited a few seconds, making sure the creature wasn’t going to pounce, and then they climbed back to their feet. Amazed, the two birds stared at each other.

Carl rose slowly, dusting himself off. “Would you get a load of this guy? After all that, he’s just gonna give us the dog!”

Maury flexed his wings carefully, relieved that nothing seemed to be broken. “You know what? I-I just can’t do it. I swoop in and take his lunch, and what does he do? He friggin’ saves me! He saves both of us!” Maury dropped his gaze, wiping his eye with a wing. “Y’know, I don’t feel so hot about myself right now.”

“Yeah,” Carl said quietly. “Me neither.” He turned to Maury, pointing his wing at the carrot dog. “Not much we can do to repay this guy, but you know what? I don’t think I’m gonna be able to take that dog from him. It just ain’t right.”

“I’m with you on that,” Maury said. “C’mon. Let’s say thanks and beat it.”

Spike rocked back on his heels, blinking as the birds suddenly marched toward him and extended their wings formally. Unsure what to do, he gingerly took their wingtips and shook them. The two birds nodded solemnly, then pointed their wings at the carrot dog.

“Yeah, go ahead,” Spike said rather more sadly than he’d intended. “It’s yours.”

Both birds shook their heads, pointing their wings at him. Spike’s mouth dropped open as the red jay took to the air. Snatching up the carrot dog, he dropped it into Spike’s open claws.

“Wait…” Spike began, holding the dog out toward them, but it was too late. Both birds were disappearing into the trees.

~~~

“Jeez, whatta day!” Maury said as he alighted on a branch. “We better steer clear of the waterfront for a little while, huh?”

Carl landed nearby. Stretching, the pigeon rubbed his aching muscles. “You got that right! Oh, baby. I feel like I just went twelve rounds with a cat. Everything hurts!” He grinned at the red jay. “Still, at least we still got tail feathers, eh?”

Maury chuckled, wincing as the laughter rolled through him. “Cecil’s gonna be takin’ a lot of cabs until those feathers grow back!” His laughter tapering off, he turned back to his friend. “I still kinda can’t believe we gave that carrot dog up, though. We must be goin’ soft.”

Carl shook his head. “Nah, that guy deserved it. He was one stand-up lizard.” He leaned in conspiratorially, motioning for Maury to come closer. “Plus, I still pooped on his back when we flew off!” he said, grinning. “A bird’s gotta have some standards!”

Author's Note:

Special thanks to Dragonas77, InquisitorM, and Statoose for their help with this story.

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