(Pic by Samaru163. Pupils were meant to be green, not the scelera.)
After travelling around Equestria, the simple folk of Ponyville will get to see the new circus. It is filled with wonders and clowns and many more! In fact, it is known for its cotton candy that always gets unique flavors that are never found anywhere else, but its maker isn't exactly a happy fellow, especially with the mockery he gets every day. The CMC get extremely curious after seeing some of the circus performers and decide to have a little look-see and try and find the ingredients used for the cotton candy to see why this single stallion is so special. Cutie Mark Crusader inspectors!
They should be warned, though, that some treats really ARE bad for your health, but nobody said which kind of health.
Red is blue and green is yellow, these flavors shall remain known to only one fellow.
Pleasant one-shot. But very grim, if written light-heartedly.
3699027 I combo'd?!
3699093 Yup. Add a slice of life tag up there.
3699094
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3699904 Well I consider it a fair go at psychological dark. I prefer to hurt psychologically than physically.
Starting with this much dialog doesn't look very good. Especially when we're forced to stereotype whatever's being said. Instead try something like this.
Then go from there. Have him interrupt train of thought while being as annoying as possible. Also, rather than making him narrate the environment through his pitches (aka stating the scene is a carnival), use paragraphs to set the scene.
Basically talking about the carnival. You were doing that very well, however there wasn't a LOCATION for us to place the carnival early on. Just because it's on the description does not mean it can be excluded.
(side note, I saw your description and realized the amount of words on that is overwhelming. Replace it with this. "The carnival is in town! And the Crusaders decide to spend their weekend having the time of their lives! But not is all happy and cheerful in this carnival. No, there was a young stallion at a cart. His spirits were down with a broken heart. His candy of cotton weren't really selling. That was until three fillies came yelling. His spirit was lifted and filled with glee. Even when came the sisters three.") See? Shorter and easier to read. I probably got it slightly wrong.
Ok look. You can't have dialog when you NEVER state who said it. That basically covers 60% of the fic. Your intro was workable! It at least tried to set the scene, and did a good job of it! You could easily go back and reword it a little and it'll sound great! But now when the dialog comes in you seem to forget there's an entire scene behind it. When characters talk the world doesn't stand still. That's why people rush through carnivals and some people shout. Some people laugh and so on. TALK ABOUT THAT!
"Cotton rested his head on his cart and looked across the court. The gipsy pony was waving her hooves in a mystical way while talking to a few foals."
What would be better is if you had the main character glance away from his stand to set the immediate scene around him. Trust me, when you start building those little details nearby, like say another cart, people will start liking and favoriting. EVERYONE LOVES DETAIL! Even if it's just "Said Rarity" or "Inquired Rarity" OR EVEN (Rarity looked back at Rainbow Dash with a raised eyebrow and said "Really? I had no idea Twilight can shove a gulf trophy so far up her ass!" She said with surprise.)
See how that adds to the story telling? You're showing the characters have EMOTIONS! And as a result we can imagine the characters doing these actions in our head. So the fuller the scene (and the more you remind us of little details) the more us readers can become enthralled with it. We can submerge ourselves in the story rather than wasting time and getting frustrated as we try to figure out who's talking.
Oh and remember. We read in LIVE ACTION so anything that happens right as of that moment should be stated. Like so.
Notice how I've only used SIX words of dialog and you already have an idea of the story. That's because I used my vocabulary to set the 'tone of voice' and descriptive sentences to give an idea of movement. I also used dialog to convey a conflict. The conflict was "Spike has Smarty Pants" therefore I used Smarty Pants and Twilight's actions. I also used the dialog to convey age along with descriptive words to back it up. "Filly" and "Nu" are the trigger words. "Nu" being a misspelled "No." Conveys that Spikes vocabulary isn't fully developed. "Filly" was used to convey Twilight was a young filly. But the only way it worked is when I had the character Spike acknowledge her as a filly.
See where I'm going? I honestly don't think I need to do any more reviewing, I wasn't reviewing the story itself, just how you told it. Hopefully with this new information and the examples I've given, you can improve your literacy skills. You already have them, they're just being used narrow mindedly.
4135240 Well this is going to be part of my "Candy Makers" series I'm planning in the future. This is also one of my first stories where I try my hand at psychological dark so it's also a bit of an experiment. I'll keep this in mind for the future.
4137086 The experiment was actually pretty successful. I liked it. It had the makings of a great fic. All it needed was more attention to the detail and it would have become more popular.
4137772 I might think of rewriting this and follow what you suggested in the future after looking over the spelling of my stories. Getting comments always gives me the envy to write more. Comments like yours are always good to have to perfect the writing, but I especially love those telling me what they think of the story.
I need to find a way to communicate with American McGee...
After many months, I finally read this. It was interesting. It wasn't too dark and it made me want cotton candy. Like, normal cotton candy.
6278910 Why just normal? Also, it spawned a new variety of creatures.
6278923 What do you mean by it spawned a new variety of creatures? Also, I wanted normal cotton candy because I wouldn't want the kind of cotton candy that's in the story.
6278937 That's a secret until Genbu makes his art with one of them. Oh, you would never know that it was made like this.
6279006 I guess you're right (about the cotton candy). As for the art? Ok...
6279554
7248891 Ew. EEEEEEEEEEEEW! I just checked the insides of this story. SO MUCH WRONG WITH THE GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION.
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7249140 That's why I never make deadlines.
7249169 That's even worse.
7249285 Why did THEY set the story?
7249426 Oh. Well then. I never participate in contests anyway. Seven years of trying to win different contests in a row and I never did, so I gave up.
Interesting take on the "beware the strangers baring gift" or the "don't poke in other peoples business" story. I have always been a sucker for those kinds of stories, but I feel that you underplayed the tension about the inevitable horror fillies transformation which leaves it a little drab ending even if the CMC are feed to their sisters. I thought you did a good job on the carnies how keep shoving the responsibility of keeping an eye on the CMC.
7249913 I know. It's an old story and, I think, my first attempt at psychological horror. I kept trying to impose the horror differently and it just came out wrong. I was forcing it.
Before I read, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
7942064 Oh yeah. This old story was back when I didn't specify the type of darkness. It's mainly psychological. You don't actually see gore or spooky skellytans. It was my first foray into horror.
7942081 And how bad does it get ?
7942086 Eh. It's pretty mild, honestly.
*looks at internet history*
8092935 I don't get it.
That was okay, it was kind of predictable . Maybe add them making fun of him like some .
Ab: oh I know we can try getting our cutie marks in cotton candy making.
Scooterloo: yeah no thanks that sound lame.
Sweetie Bell: yeah that sound gross. besides you wanna end like him.
Something like that
8387724
It was my very first attempt at horror. I wasn't expecting it to be good, and I still get tips like yours for it. I have plenty more I did more recently if you want to read those (And were much better, it seems).
That sick monster.
May Celestia find him out eventually, if he killed three of the elements he'll be investigated when eyewitnesses give their observations.
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Two comments on my stories in one month? What's going on?
I'm glad you enjoyed it despite the age and it being one of my very first attempts at horror.