Lucky Strife
Joined 24th May, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Lucky Strife · 4.9k words · 494 27 · 20k views
- Lucky Strife · 3.6k words · 233 31 · 10k views
- TittySparkles · 5.6k words · 383 29 · 14k views
- DevoBrony · 7.2k words · 369 39 · 12k views
- Lunarx · 6.7k words · 243 51 · 12k views
- TittySparkles · 8.6k words · 197 26 · 6.3k views
- Sleetmanal · 14k words · 69 23 · 1.3k views
- dirty little secret · 6.5k words · 519 22 · 16k views
Featured In10
Shipping 💖11,669 stories ·9,739 members
Clopfics11,546 stories ·15,814 members
One-Shots18,906 stories ·2,369 members
Scootaloo3,262 stories ·2,569 members
- Cutie Mark CLOPsaders (CMC CLOPPER'S WELCOME.)224 stories ·530 members
Foalcon2,794 stories ·4,488 members
TheBronyFiction1,787 stories ·239 members
Soarin and the Wonderbolts769 stories ·239 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.167 seconds
Total duration
869 users online
1,326,378 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Wow, bold move for your first fic. Be prepared for a lot of hate just because you have foalcon. That said, Scootaloo is a super slut in this, to the point that she breaks her normal characteristics. Since it's clop, I don't mind, but for future reference, you should try to make them not so eager for sex right away. Also how in the world did Soarin's mental compass get the the conclusion that "sure, I can fuck this filly, no one will really mind"? I would expect more psychological trauma/drama to rock his psyche.
In addition, I find that Scootaloo is talking quite a lot for a filly that should be sucking Soarin's cock given how horny you've depicted her.
Other than that, the sex was pretty decent, I like how Scootaloo lost her vision for a spell. I think you could have added more detail like "she saw color spots pierce the white haze as Soarin's cock collided with her cervix" or something. As someone who has temporarily lost their vision before, it's actually black, but you'll see fuzzy color circles of the green and red variety. But really, this is just semantics.
Overall, you have potential. I feel like you can really improve if you draw out your sexual sequences a bit more.
Hmm, well, I can't say cheating is really my thing, but I certainly did love the fact that it started off straight into the clop. I also don't see enough ponies chatting it up during sex, I think you executed that particular fetish pretty nicely.
Something that I found rather odd is that I had difficulty visualizing Soarin's cock. I was confused because you did a nice job in describing its texture. Then I noticed that you never really described its color at all. It's a pretty small nitpick in my opinion, but a tiny improvement none the less.
Something I noticed that was a little off with Scootaloo was her dialogue:
I don't think it sounds quite "Scootaloo", it sounds a bit too stiff for her, so I think this would work better for her, for example:
Remember, dialogue doesn't have to use proper grammar and well-formed sentences. Sometimes showing disregard for proper English gives more personality to that character.
So you have some sentences like this one that sound awkward:
For starters, unless you're writing a comedy, don't use the word "buttocks" in a clop, it's a very silly word. Now, I can't quite put my finger on why, but the "so as to try" part strikes me as difficult to read. I think this sentence could use some restructuring and breaking down:
A general rule of thumb when constructing narrative is to limit one "major" action per sentence. The biggest problem with your sentence was that you had several things going on in one statement; he moved his hooves to her flanks, and he squeezed her because he wanted to control himself, which came along with the explanation of just why he was controlling himself (he didn't want to cum), and what he was doing to control himself (it retroactively explains why he was squeezing her flanks). This sentence isn't exactly perfect, mind you. I don't like how I repeat "himself" twice so close to each other, such a thing should only happen if it's possible for the reader to not know who you are talking about. But, I can't really think of something better right now, sorry.
You put a plenty of loving detail into Soarin's meat, but I feel that you didn't put nearly as much attention on Scootaloo's little love canal. Pussies are every bit as tender, tasty and pulsing as a cock, don't forget this fact!
The last gripe I have is how disappointing their climax was:
That's it. It completely ignores what it feels like for Soarin and jumps straight to what it feels like for Scootaloo. It's way too short, you need to spend more time painting just what this looks like; the flaring of his tip, the contraction of his rod as it spurts ropes of foal batter, the splashing of his cum along her walls, the backwash as she starts filling up and his own cream is either plugged up by his flare or starts to push its way around his flesh, the mingling of their juices (not just acknowledging that they mixed together at some point). There's a lot to put in there, and it's just from his perspective, too, there's still Scootaloo's experience to flesh out.
I have to say, I rather like how Soarin doesn't really care that he's fucking a fourteen year old. I like playing around with the idea that foalcon ain't no thing in Equestria, and it's always fun reading other people's take on that concept, or something similar to it.
Overall, I liked this, and it makes me hopeful for what else you may write in the future~
Nicely written, though I'm not one for casual sex.
I also can't shake this feeling that this fic was just written for the sake of shipping Scootaloo x Soarin together and that's fine, but when I read fics tagged 'sex' I usually expect it to be it's focus.
This fic is more of a phone-sex-esque
dude... im gay and i fucking loved this story
i looked at purely because of soarin but i loved it as it went. very well done.
Fave for Scootaseckz.
3378695
Mother of god... A gay man ejoyed this story?! Truly it's some sort of sign from the heavens on how well writen this story is!
3377667
She's a chicken, not a rooster!
It's funny seeing the stories I approved get featured. I knew this would've piqued some interests.
I enjoyed it.
3380478 you must also know that i hate scootaloo. alot.
you sir win *gives a cookie* honestly you might be able to do something with this... creature... 
... maybe not... ew
3378695 I hadn't realized you were gay.
Not bad at all on this.
Jack shit for build up. Which is, in my view, a no-no.
~Skeeter the Lurker
3380539 ive just recently started letting it out. used to say i was by with a lean to men. its sad though that i tell internet people im gay before my mother. i got my 12 year old sister to keep it a secret for christs sake
Scootaloo is a sexy filly
3380586 Let's bang
He effed a chicken.
forums.ffshrine.org/images/smilies/Chris-hansen.gif
3380611 when and where?
3380733 The end of the universe in The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe
I found this... fun, for lack of a better word.
3380715 nnnnnice.
3380802 how about PMs right now?
3380831 Nope
3380851 lol trolltastic. i love it
3380530
I think it has to do with timing. When I released shower suds, it got quite a lot of attention, but didn't reach the featured box because more well known fics happened to get updates at the same time mine released.
Oh well.
3380944 Lel
3381343
That's also a factor, too.
good, but as someone sad... lack build up....
I looked at the main page for this and imedeatly was all like...
api.ning.com/files/0-PkXEozyK2WAhscjCKantVdJ30iQC4hXs424yJHEYdIYZkGR1aRL9brg3Vq47EGfSd*ngl3Hm1C8qMGaRXoJyc4I5HYswoJ/woah.jpg
This is a good story though.
3380422
Even if not Rumbleloo?
3391138 I'll take what I can get.
3391318
We at least there was some IMPLIED Rumbaloo in the story, though I don't think anyone caught on to that. And RumbLoo is my favorite Scootaship, so I'll probably write something with those two eventually.
I wasn't expecting the clop to start already, there wasn't even a half-assed thirty second plot to begin the story!
yes
thank you
I love this
right to the clop
Holy shit, that was hot.
3391328
I caught the intent, even if it didnt make its way into the content
You said 'particular fetishes' aside from foalcon, this isn't really a fetish so much as a pairing.
Also, I get that you wanted to make it obvious it was consensual and not taking advantage but you REALLY hammered into that point for a few paragraphs.
That being said, I liked it
I loved this story and scootaloo shouldn't' be called a chicken I mean it's funny but getting old real fast
The sex was pretty hot but the cheating thing and Scoot being an unapologetic whore kind of ruined it for me. At this point im less turned on and more in the mood to read a Scootaloo gore fic just to see her suffer.
3486406 there's always "If You Must" and it's about Scootaloo and her drunk father and what he does to her and her mom.
Even if it was a little short, still great enough to fav and subscribe! I hope you'll do some more like this~ For some reason Scootaloo cheating just made it about twenty times hotter.
Delicious
. Speaking of fetishes, this reminds me of "the apples union" by Warmachine27
This was very interesting and intreaging!
This seriously needs a sequel.... with the Wonderbolt gangbang scoots wanted....
Mmf, the show is one of my favorite things
OK, there's multiple reasons why I like this story so much.
Cutting right to the chase is usually frowned upon; normally in the cases where it's possible to go from 0 - 100 in a matter of two sentences. You've managed to get rid of the buildup and get right to the sucking and fucking, and you pull off a very smooth flow throughout the entire chapter, considering the former. You did it the right way.
And I have a weakness for fillies being filled with cum...
Where to begin....
Okay, so without sounding like a giant bitch I'll be as polite as possible!
I'll start with the pros:
And now the bad:
The first words were: “I must admit, I don’t think I’ve ever done anyone so young before.” leaving me going: How did we get here? Why is Scootaloo giving Soarin a Blowjob? And WHY is he letting her give him a BJ in the first place?! The third question comes from the fact that we know nothing about these two or their backgrounds AT ALL.
In fact, I'll tackle these three questions one at a time:
We have no idea and this was NEVER explained. Did Soarin meet her at one of the wonderbolt's "Bring your sister to work" days? Is he just a pedopony who happened to see Scootaloo wondering about Ponyville and tried to offer her icecream if she got into his carriage? We have no context of how these characters ended up here.
Did Soarin offer her cash? Did he blackmail her? Or is Scootaloo just a giant slut who will bang any stallion with a dick no matter how old or young? We get a little context to this as the story goes on but at the very beginning, we know absolutely nothing about why this is happening.
Did Scootaloo lie about her age? Nope! He explicitly knows shes underage so that's out!
Did Scootaloo suddenly lunge under him and start suckling his dick? No idea!
Did Scootaloo seduce him with her heat scent so he's more docile and willing to buck an underage filly? Have no idea if this is the case either! We have no idea why Soarin is getting a blow job from a 14yr old filly in the first place and this is because we don't know his character!
So basically we have no idea why or how anything in this story is taking place.
Your story lacks any sort of scene narrative unless you count Scootaloo going from giving a blowjob to insta-squirting on Sorrin's crotch the moment she sits on top of him as a scene change.
It pains me to give this kind of review to someone I KNOW can and HAS shown they are capable of far better.
2.bp.blogspot.com/-tt8AQ8mod_s/WJkDo3ZhUuI/AAAAAAAAmTA/tOJmMCsbgeog3uA9wRbUsyQgDbup-ey6ACLcB/s1600/Twilight_please_don%2527t_hate_me_S1E6.png
Don't hate me...
Oh my Celestia. She’s like 8!!
But also,