DevoBrony
Joined 23rd Jun, 2012 ·
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...welp he´s dead.
WOW!!! Aint no hiding it now... Shining is SOOOO BUSTED!
th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/115/6/e/shining_armor___oh_this_is_bad__by_firestorm_can-d4xfsjq.png
Description error.
This isn't really an issue, but I'm pretty sure foreleg is one word, which is strange because hind leg is two. But yeah, one word.
This seems more like thought; I don't know why you used a colon here. Just use italics.
Okay, any time there is text that modifies dialogue, you need to use a comma inside the parentheses instead of a period.
Example: "Hello," she said.
Rarity is being addressed directly, so you need a comma before her name.
Okay, you shattered the rules here. Never, ever ever ever use a * or combination of dashes to signify an action or sound. It breaks the story, breaks the fluency, breaks everything. Write it out: ( "Bye Shiney!" He cringed at the name. )
I'm just gonna skim ahead to the sex part now and stop picking things apart.
Blackmail Sweetie? Really? You harsh, filly.
Whoa whoa whoa! Belt!? Why!?
Okay, so this is actually really good. The foalcon almost seems excusable due to the sole fact that Sweetie belle is in no way being manipulated or taken advantage of, even coming out at as the dominant.
hadn't*
Okay, so that was actually pretty good. Well-written, cute, and foalcon in a sense that's not manipulation or rape. I thought the ending was really cute, really. I liked it a lot, up until the final two paragraphs. For me, that just ruined it completely, ending a cute note with a joke. To me, now, that filly's life is fucked up forever. It may have been funny for some readers, but really, just think about how much that would really suck.
2188541
Yeah, I put a joke right there to make it be a little more 'shocking' for the audience, clashing against something cute: it's a random comedy after all, don't take it too seroiusly.
2188625 Random comedy, yes, but that's why it seemed so out of place. The story wasn't really all that funny all through its course. It was amusing, maybe chuckle-worthy in a few spots, but mostly cute near the end there. Taking that cute and shattering it with something that's supposed to be knee-slapping just yanks you out of whatever moment you had left. Initially, the story would have left me with a cute feeling in the pit of my stomach, instead I left with a little 'heh' and shrug. It just yanked me out of it.
But yeah, great story. You pulled off foalcon without making seem bad, which is something I've rarely seen.
Cadance will not be happy
I like it a lot! Like Sorren said, there's a fair number of errors and inconsistencies, but overall it was cute, sexy and not a bad read. Upvote from me.
OH GOD THAT ENDING
This desperately needs a proofreader or two.
Moar!!!
"And now introducing Ponyville's newest slut, SWEETIEBELL!!!"
The last two paragraphs ended a great story on the wrong hoof. Keep it cute... Don't make the filly a whore. Change it to a stethoscope. She's a really good "Doctor" after all.
.............Motherbuck.
I can't believe I'm writing this... great story. (I'm surely going to hell now... Meh, I had a good run)
Excellent job with the characters, I strangly enough believe this to be accurate for these two... Thank you Hasbro for raping my childhood... Literally.
Well your a fantastic author and took something that should burn in hell and made it fun and enjoyable
well done!
Best of luck to you in the future and thanks for sharing.
Random fact of the day: Two thousand years ago to this day, Princess Luna made a bowl of cereal at the cost of the entire left wing of the forming Equestrian capitol. Luna's meals are now prepared by a chef and the kitchen is to be guarded at all times to prevent a repeat of the Lunar bowl incident.
I frigging loved the ending, that last line and what Sweetie Belle acquired in the end
>mfw
sectalk.com/board/public/imported_images/ompldr.org/mj-laughing.gif
WOW. XD A throbbing dick? Her purpose in life is having sex/dicks? XD LOL!
Finally, something original!
wow XD
that made me laugh hard! XD
and the cutie mark! XD
hes dead so dead he doesent even know it...........yet
"Scootaloo! Stop masturbating to my cutie mark!"
well... nice knowing you ,shinning...eeyup!
Dosen't matter; had sex.
that was a great ending, loved the whole thing
I'm reading this... and the ending makes me think of a certain series by candiipup.
Of course, for all we know, she already had that mark ànd was playing dumb until he washed off the makeup.
Something bad has happened. Something extremely bad
i.imgur.com/tfZQS.jpg
I love it when I can show exactly how I feel with a single Pony Emoticon
Very nice. Some parts of the text are hard to read, and clunky, but overall not bad.... I just feel sorry for shining.... Poor bastard has to explain how the hell sweetie found that her special talent was pleasing men XD
Like jizzing off the summit of Mt. Everest while wearing a glitter-covered tutu and using a flamethrower that shoots Fiendfyre shaped like a lion having sex with a Spartan dragon.
geekfill.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/fabulous.gif
I just returned from vacation anf founded like 15 new favourites..
You guyzzzz
So this is that fic I've heard so much about?
I love it!
i.imgur.com/VfOXyek.jpg
How you doing? Why don't you take a seat over there?
I read this stuff every other day, look for more every day, and it took me this long to find it? Good story, man. The detail you put into the erotic scenes is awesome. Simple words and phrases such as:
make the story amazing. keep up the good work. As one clop writer to another, I commend you.
i hope there will be another part to this it would be quite interesting to see what rarity and or twilight would react to sweetie belle's new cutie mark and on another note your are a great writer so it would make me happy to be able to read more on this story you wrote here
I saw that totally ingenious ending from the beginning, props author!
>tfw your sister's friend's sister rapes you and fucks both your lives over for good
And that's why foalcon is illegal in Equestria.
gr8 b8 m8 8/8
THAT IS SOOOOOO ME WHEN IT COMES TO "DOCTOR WHO".
Me and Shining thinkalike when it comes to our favorite show.