• Member Since 21st Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Random_User


I love getting feedback and constructive criticism. Please feel free to comment. If you take the time to comment, I will take the time to respond.

E
Source

After learning how to cast Rarity’s gem-finding spell, Sweetie accidentally exposes the Alicorn Amulet’s hidden location in the Everfree Forest. The Cutie Mark Crusaders decide to try the amulet’s power before returning it to its hiding place. Two of the crusaders find that their enhanced abilities are not worth what the amulet demands of them. One, however, comes to the see the amulet as the only way that she can obtain her dreams.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 43 )

WE HAVE PLANTED THE REVIEW, OVEERRR

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: More Than They Expected.

Grammar score out of 10: Solid 8.5

Pros:
Good, solid characterizations without flanderizing.
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar is spot-on save for a few places.
Zecora! Yes. I said characterization was solid, but she rhymes similarly to how she rhymes in the show instead of at random as is often found in other fics.
Cons:
Applebloom's accent is largely absent, but this could be just a preference thing.
Another pass at editing, or sending it off to a second party!
I... have no third thing. :C You're spared TAN's Cowell-esque rage this time. Keep writing! I want to see more.

Notes Section
All in all, for a first chapter of a new fic it's very good. I hope to see this rocket up into the featured box, the premise is amazing and totally cannot fail in any way!

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story this story: (Mature Tagged) Fallout Equestria; SIDEQUEST

THE ENEMY HAS DEFUSED THE REVIEW! OVERRRR!

Very nice! I'll be keeping an eye on this. :raritywink:

Come on scootaloo, land in the poison joke, land in the poison joke! C'mon.... no! Darg nabbet

This is interesting ill keep a eye on this

-Brony4life14

cool and a little spooky i wonder what will :applecry: and :scootangel: thinks about the box

Interesting story, I'll be watching this one. :twilightsmile:

3268375 Thank you for the review! I will get back to you with yours as soon as I can. I WILL read your story. However, give me a little time, as it's 75K words, to get your review back to you. Life is also kicking me around at the moment, but I'll try to be as quick as I can. I'm glad you liked my little "what if" story. I love playing around with stuff like this. It's one part world building, one part character study, and all fun.

Good thing that all the gems did not get smashed. :trixieshiftright:

3268475 Thank you! It's going to be one of my shorter, more condensed stories. I hope to have it done by the end of the weekend.

3268587 I've gotten a couple of PMs with about the same tone. Poor Scoots.

3268735>>3270407 Thank you both! It's been a while since I did anything besides romance. I'm glad you liked it. I was afraid all I could write was mushy stuff. (Not that mushy is bad per se, but I'd rather not be a one trick pony.)

Great story is all I can say, well worth the read. :twilightsmile:

Holy peanuts, this was good... not just the chapters alone, but the story as a whole. There's the whole punctuation/grammar/sentencing mistake making thing, but that's practically mandatory for this site, so I'd have to say you did pretty well overall. I loved the elements of not only Sweetie Belle's section of the story (which seems to be larger than the others', though who can blame you? SB is my favorite pony), but AB's' n' Scoots' as well. It would be fun to see expansion on this universe's CMC, as there's all kinds of different outcomes to be associated with them!

3283973 Thank you for your kind words. It was difficult to try to balance out the amount of coverage each of the CMC would get. I'm glad you liked the way I divided the story up, it proved to be a real challenge.

If you don't mind, could you give me a little more detail about the grammar mistake I've made? I like to improve my stories as I get feedback, and I would like to know a little more about what you're catching so I can iron out my errors.

3283770 Thank you! The CMC are fun to write about. This was just a wild idea of mine that suddenly took a life of it's own. I'm glad you liked it.

Although the ending felt rushed and the characters' reactions in the library felt awkward, it was a good, enjoyable read.

Scoot’s mom

+1 for not using the generic cliche orphan!Scootaloo

Grammatically, you appear to have some issues with the split quote construction: "speech" text "speech"

If each quoted section is an independent clause, then

1.) Capitalize the first letter of the second quoted section.
2.) End the text section with a period.

If each quoted section is not an independent clause, then

1.) Do not capitalize the first letter of the second quoted section.
2.) Do end the first quoted section with a comma.

You also have some minor issues such as:

“She’s probably takin’ a nap in one of our trees again. You’re right though, we don’t know that for sure and we can’t waste time looking for her.

Here you are missing ending quotation marks.

I don't know if that is the only one, but that would be an editor or proofreader's job to catch those. Nevertheless, any more errors (should they exist) are likely to be minor since at no point was the flow of the story interrupted when I was reading it.

3286904 Thank you! I need all the grammar help I can get. Dialog in particular tends to give me fits. Thanks you for taking the time to explain my mistakes, it certainly has helped me get a better grip on what I am doing wrong.

"Rainbow’s resolve waivered" -> should be "wavered"

After the first two chapters, I was certain I was going to love the rest of the story, but I am a bit... disappointed in the ending. The story started off nice and focussed, intense in parts, clean, and well-paced. The ending, though, if I had to describe it in one word, feels cluttered.

Most of the tale was just the CMC, but suddenly we have the entire mane cast involved - plus Luna, which is such a bizarre addition that I'm still scratching my head over it. She really doesn't fit. The entire ending could have been tightened if Sweetie and Apple Bloom had simply found Rainbow, and not involved anypony else. The interaction between Scoots and RD was good, but everypony else just felt like a ninth wheel.

I'm also not so crazy about ending the tale with Scoots flying... this story really screams to me for less sappy finish. Leaving some uncertainty would have been perfect, in my opinion. The flying lessons with Twilight don't fit with the tone set by the rest of the story. It's also pretty rushed.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think it's bad, but the tone and pacing of the ending is substantially different, to the point where it feels like it was ripped out of a different story and grafted onto this one. It really threw me, and so I didn't enjoy it as much as the rest.

All that said, this story deserves an upvote, if nothing else. It's certainly solid enough. It's just the ending that, for me, personally, keeps it at "good" and shy of "excellent".

3284195

Thankfully, the grammar mistakes you made in this story are mainly typos and spelling, though I did notice instances where the words you used didn't exactly make sense. I'll have to read through the story again in order to properly point out what i am talking about, but you might want to look at how you write out your sentences. This applies mainly to non-dialogue text, but keep in mind that there are parts of dialogue that need fixing too.

As far as punctuation goes, this story is probably in need of some modifications. I continually found myself thinking of how a different punctuation mark would have made a sentence or paragraph better, though I'd say it happened less often here than in most other stories I've taken to giving critique for. I'll probably re-read this at a later time and point out what needs to change, so don't worry too much about that. The way you handle sentences does play a part in this, so try to keep that in mind when you decide to edit this.

I loved the openness of how each CMC member ended up within the story, but for character development, they and Rainbow Dash are about the only ones to really get screen time. May I suggest keeping it down to the minimum when dealing with characters? Comparing this story to the other story of which you wrote that I have read, 'Between a Rock Farm and a New Place', I'd say the latter had much better character development. Not too many characters in that story are just random throw-ins to fill space, whereas I seem to recall Fluttershy being in this one with absolutely no development, and Luna's bit could have been condensed to a letter to Celestia, which then could have been given a reply shortly thereafter.

I hope to see more from this story's line of events, so keep writing!

3289328 Thank you so much for your help. I try to improve with each story. I've found that feedback from readers like you has allowed me to improve more than anything else.

I appreciate the offer, but you do not have to look over my story again. I have not the faintest clue when I will have time to edit this. LIfe has grabbed me by the belt and is kicking me in the arse right now.

Character development is something that I have mixed success with on the best of days. I agree with you. I tried to do too much with too many characters in this story. Your comment, along with one made earlier, me look at my inclusion of Luna into the mix. I realize now I did not give a real explanation about why she was there at the end. When I edit this, I'll fix that. Perhaps with a whole new chapter to fill in some of the gaps I left.

Thank you again for your help and your time.

dat ending so beautiful :fluttercry:

3296748 I'm glad you enjoyed the ending. It was the part that I struggled with the most.

3310382 you did a great job making this story

Oh lordy, tears of joy!

Goddamnit. Ninjas cutting onions.

3397374 Thank you! I did not intend for this story to get so heavy. As I wrote it, it turned into something much different than what I had planned. I'm glad you liked it.

3439199 Thanks! It was quite a departure from my typical shiping stories. I had not done an adventure story / slice of life story in a while, and decided to give one a shot. This started out as a fluffy piece, and then got heavier as I wrote. By the end, it was something entirely different than what I set out to do.

Lots of "things" in the last paragraph, but I like it!!!:twilightsmile::twilightsheepish:

I do not know how this story managed to elude me for so long, but I have finally read it. :rainbowderp:

This story is just plain good. I do not mean good as in could have been better. I mean good as in good. A stronger good-like word, such as great or awesome, would probably better describe my feelings though. My only complaint is that it leaves me with nothing to complain about. :pinkiegasp:

I cannot wait to read your next story when it is done. :twilightblush:

5606802 Thank you! I did not know if I could pull off a CMC centered story, but I am glad I gave it a shot. Writing for them turned out to be a lot easier than I thought. I did feel a little nasty writing the scenes when each of the CMCs were under the amulet's influence and feeling so ill. I do not like doing nasty things to characters, much less to foals.

My latest story should be done in a week or two. I hope that you will like it as well.

5609000

I do not like doing nasty things to characters, much less to foals.

That's one of the reasons why I find your stories so pleasant to read. You really did manage to pull off the CMC well though. I could really see them doing something like that in the show, especially if they keep to Lauren Faust's initial plans for Scootaloo.

My latest story should be done in a week or two. I hope that you will like it as well.

Awesome! I'm sure I will. I have been looking forward to reading that ever since you released the first chapter. :twilightsmile:

Man, usually I like the CMC and their antics, but sometimes it's hard to sympathise with them when they do something incredibly dumb. They had the opportunity to ask Zecora about the large gem, and didn't. Of course, given that the box sounded like it was being specifically protected with how the poison joke was growing around it, their curiosity won over their sense of preservation. They recognise the Amulet, but that just makes the consequences more their fault if anything bad occurs :applecry:

Well, the CMC are being pretty smart at least in setting baselines. Too bad they don't understand how easily power tempts. Scootaloo has some nice character development, and in her case it's a really sore issue since while Sweetie can at least do some magic, the most Scoots can do before was basically hovering. That last line, though, doesn't bode well!

This last chapter is great stuff, but I honestly think it would have been even better as an expanded one-shot. Scootaloo's dreams of flying and struggles in that direction, and the fears she holds of potentially never being able to fly have yet to be exhaustively explored by works of the fandom, and this is certainly one of the more touching works I've read. One can feel her frustration at not being able to get a concrete, one hundred percent certain answer from Twilight or Rainbow Dash.

Of course, I would think that the Alicorn Amulet being able to let her fly means she is capable of flying on her own unaided, as I doubt the Amulet would outright be able to bypass biological defects that would ground a pegasus. Of course, wearing the Amulet, Scootaloo would not exactly be in her right mind to think of such a thing :scootangel:

Nice callback with Princess Luna to the Sleepless in Ponyville episode, too.

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Thank you for the comments! I love feedback, and you have provided a generous amount of it. I am glad you liked the story. I tried to make it serious without the story line getting too heavy or overly dramatic. Writing for the CMC is always an interesting challenge, but it's one that I enjoy.

Aww, what a cute ending. Just need some minor editing.

8000791 Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. For some odd reason, no matter how many times I look over it, I cannot seem to get all the errors ironed out. I will take another pass at it and try to catch everything that I missed.

This would be a spectacular series finale for Scoots.

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