• Member Since 21st Dec, 2011
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Random_User


I love getting feedback and constructive criticism. Please feel free to comment. If you take the time to comment, I will take the time to respond.

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Celestia has dreaded to ask one question for over a year since Luna's return. What exactly happened to Luna during her stay on the moon? Did she sentence her sister to an unthinkable fate of endless darkness and silence, deprived of sensation entirely? Now, she feels that she cannot put off the question any longer. Fears will be revealed, tears will be shed, and the sisters will get to see aspects of each other that neither had seen before.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 18 )

Very well done, just like before. You captured the dynamics between Celestia and Luna very well, and the moment of weakness from Celestia. You showed an important point, they are Sisters through and through.

I haven't read the original, but I really liked this story. Luna and Celestia were both rendered perfectly, and the way you present their relationship is just fantastic. Now I really need to check out the story that inspired this. :twilightsmile:

The ever-graceful Celestia seems a little too quick to tears in this story, but it's a believable conversation and a good exploration of some fanon. Works like this shape the way people think about ponies.

1798347 Thank you. I was held captive by the story until I got it written, I did not aim to make a piece that would reshape anyone's thoughts. It just sort of shaped itself.

1776416 Thanks! I have made some drastic changes to the story that inspired this one. Now, it's a lot more readable. I thought I had it polished, boy was I wrong.

1776385 Thank you again! It is very nice to see that you enjoy my stories enough to read more than one of them. As a starting author that means a lot.

1804433
I take pleasure in helping new writers, remember we've all been there.

Very sweet. Bravo! :twilightsheepish:

Hi Random User, I'm from Authors helping Authors and I'm here to review your story.

Title: Catharsis and Hash Browns

Grammar: 6/10

Pros:

You have the right idea exploring an what Luna and Celestia are like behind closed doors

Good idea starting with the regal court and becoming more personal as the story progresses.

Cons:
1. Tell: You need to work on show over tell. For example:

She felt proud that Luna had made so much progress adjusting to the changes of Equestria, and had returned to addressing their ponies’ needs and concerns.

You're telling the reader how Celestia feels rather than showing it. Body language is a good way show rather than tell. Does she smile? Is there a glimmer in her eyes?

Luna walked into the royal dining room, while trying to stifle a yawn.

How does she stifle her yawn? Did she raise a hoof to her mouth?

Celestia’s tone worried Luna.

How does it worry her? Does she bite her lip? Sink into her chair?

2. Transitions
In your first part of the story it's hard to distinguish between when Celestia is at court and when she's flashing back to the library a simple divider like you used later would be very useful here. However, I would also suggest expanding upon the first part of the story where Celestia walks into the court in order to deal with issue #1

3. Double Spacing: You do this after almost every sentence that leads into another sentence. (This might just be an upload issue though)

Notes:
Here's some other things I noticed

Luna blew a breath of air through her cheeks in exasperation. “While I do not miss the pomp and circumstance of the old court, the change in rhythm threw me off at first. I think I am adjusting well enough.”

If she's exasperated then why does she says she's adjusting well? Did you mean to say exhaustion? The paragraph works if you meant that. Otherwise, Luna is having a massive case of mood whiplash.

“Their fear was partially my doing.”

This is a really big line from Celestia, add something more than dialogue to show it. It can't be easy for her to say this and that's got to show in some way.

I will to bed

Add a "go" here.

royal Canterlot voice

Just a personal preference here, but I treat Royal Canterlot Voice as a proper now and capitalize all three parts of it.

Luna glanced around the room and noticed that the royal guards were not at their stations. They were typically so quiet and still that she had not noted their absence.
“I feel horrible. Our guards do so much for us and I didn’t even notice their absence. I will have to do something for them to make up for my lapse.”

This can be one paragraph since Luna (I'm assuming) is the one speaking.

How can you be so forgiv…?”

You can replace the ellipses here with an EM dash (—)

I hope these suggestions can be of use to you. Moving on, I don't have a story in the actual group right now since I prefer to use google docs in reviews. If you're up for it here's I Don't Feel the Same

Sincerely,

Fullmetal Pony

1983144 Thank you for your review. I am a starting writer, and it's always helpful to get feedback from a more experienced author. You're suggestions will not only improve this story, but allow me to improve as a writer overall, and I appreciate you taking the time to help me.

Had a chance to flip through it, so here's my Authors Helping Authors review

Name: Catharsis and Hash Browns for Breakfast

Grammar score out of 10: 7

Pros:
-Nice depiction of sisterly love
-The idea that Luna could still visit dreams whilst exiled to the moon was interesting. Don't think I've seen a fic that's explored that at all.
-The bit where Luna addresses her phantom audience was a nice touch.

Cons:
-Pretty telly (though Fullmetal Pony already mentioned this)
-At times it felt like Celestia and Luna were little more than talking heads (this is called Talking Head Syndrome). Try adding more actions and such to break up the dialogue.
-Again, like Fullmetal Pony mentioned, scene transitions were rough and kinda detracted from the story.


Notes:
Just a few things that jumped out at me:

In Luna’s long life she had never seen Celestia so despondent.

Not even when Celestia banished her to the moon? I'd be pretty despondent if I had to banish my sister to the moon.

Also, Celestia seemed to burst into tears a little too suddenly. Maybe have her fighting them off? Your fic, your choice.

Anyway, this is a nice little fic that could be much better if you touch it up in regards to what's been brought up.

Cheers! :raritywink:

1987075 Thank you for the feedback! I have wrestled with how to make the story a little less of the "talking head" variety. I have slowly been making improvements to this story, and thanks to reviews like yours, it has vastly improved.

Your take on Luna is similar to my own; no wonder you liked my story. :twilightsmile:

2546409 Thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it. The story is one of my earlier ones, and it shows. However, it's one of my most heartfelt stories due to my relationship with my own sibling. I cannot see Luna as a helpless child. She is hundreds of years old and is a mare in her own right. She would not have instantaneously fallen to darkness. There had to be some friction between the two sisters some time before Luna's transformation. This was my way of looking at that, and an opportunity to explore what I thought their relationship would really be like. I may be completely wrong, but from my own experiences this seemed a very real possibility.

I am looking forward to taking a look at "Wonderbolt." Everything you have written has been great, and I want to see what you do with such a wonderful premise. The only thing that even makes me a little sad is that I know that your writing this story is taking time away from "Curse of Coltinado, which has become one of my all time favorites. I have a feeling, once I read this story, I won't worry about it all and I will have another favorite to look forward to.

Nice bit of character exploration going on here. Liked it immensely :twilightsmile:

Nice take on the theme of guilt between the two monarchs.
It is quite heart warming to be honest. It is soft, calm, doing over with most of the dramatics with a blade that cuts right to the point.
An admirable trait, even for a one shot such as this story here.

If only I were able to channel similar emotions and the like for my own stories through my writing like your own.
Oh well, one can be wishful I suppose.

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