• Member Since 24th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 28th, 2021

Starhunter


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Cold Star is a Crusader: a Bat-Pony sworn to defend the Sacred Night. Adopting the guise of the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well to hide her forbidden ancestry, she came to Manehattan with a single purpose - to bring justice to those who would do evil under the cover of darkness. The last thing she expected to discover was a group of cape-wearing young ponies also claiming to be Crusaders.

{Originally written for EqD's October 2013 Bat-Pony Write-Off Event.}

Update: The Sequel to this story is now underway! If you liked this story, check it out here:
The Crusaders - A Shadow Over Manehattan

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 19 )

"Nope. It's a terrible idea. But I ain't just gonna sit by and let somebody bully one of my friends. So I'm goin' in. You and Misty don't have to come though. This ain't your problem."

You need to change somebody into somepony. It's a common mistake for first time writers but you need to change somethings around like instead of children it's fillies. Just change it into pony terms and you'll be gold. Also you earned this:

3424644

GAH! Thank you! Corrected! :facehoof:

Can't use fillies though - Squall is a colt. I'll just stick with the Cherilee standard of "little ponies". :twilightsmile:

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Some nice world building here.:yay:

3425963

Thanks!

If this story is well received, I may decide to expand this into a series. If I do, I intent to flesh out a few more of the things that were only mentioned in passing (like what Cold Star's Oaths actually entail) as well as displaying some of the weaknesses of her physiology.

I'll pipe in with my support for this being expanded into a series. I enjoyed the sort-of misunderstandings between the CMC and Cold Star which hinged upon them basically talking past each other and laughed all the way to the end. (Being set in Manehattan, too, has the advantage that they can't just go to Twilight and get clarification. That said, as Babs is an Apple, she probably could get a rather direct line to Twilight through her cousins if necessary.)

3434979

Thanks for the vote of support! I really like all four of these characters, and I feel like there is a lot of interesting stories to be told between them. All four have their hang-ups, and all four come from very different sorts of places / social situations, but all four have a shared desire to do good in the world. I think that's an interesting place to build from. :twilightsmile:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Really starved for good stories in this contest, but this one's one of the better ones. My only advice is, don't use 'people'. It stands out as decidedly un-pony moreso than using "someone", etc. would.

3492907

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope you'll vote for my story if you enjoyed it - feedback helps keep me feeling motivated for more writing. :twilightsmile:

Your observation is noted, and understood. I think I need to make a check-list of words to find/replace with my word processor in future pony efforts. Most of these are obvious, but when I'm proofreading I just scan right past them. :facehoof:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

3499940
It can be a hard thing to get used to.

FYI, I also liked The Nightmare Journal from the Halloween contest. :)

This story was great, and I love it! I would also really love to see more of this <3

Thumbs most enthusiastically up! I'm always keen on a good Babs story, and this mixes the bat and the Babs beautifully.

3501215

Thanks! It was a good fiction for learning on, and I'm proud of it despite it's many (MANY) foibles. :twilightsmile:

3501701

Thanks you very much for your vote of support! I'm thinking that the second instalment of this story will be my next short-story project. I have actually found myself with a lot more ideas for possible chapters than I had initially expected, so I've been having trouble choosing between them all! :twilightsmile:

3505178

I like Babs. She has enormous room for personal growth while staying true to the way the Writers originally presented her, which made her really attractive as a character to work with.

Impressive. You made me care about Mare-Do-Well and Babs Seed, and I usually don't. I'll have to check out the sequel, because this one was excellent.

By the way, watch out for dialogue punctuation. Things like this:

> service?" Asked Babs. ("asked" should be lower case)
> mean." said Squall (should be a comma, not a period)

3732525

I'm happy that you enjoyed it! :twilightsmile:

And yeah. I really need to sit down with Strunk and White and really get the rules for dialogue punctuation down pat. It's embarrassing that I still make these mistakes. :facehoof:

Oh wow! This story is truely amazing. The character of Cold Star is one with much potential, as well as bat ponies in general are, if you ask me. And of course the little crusaders are always good for another fiction... I'm definitely on for a sequel...

Babs cousin was a founder of these new Crusaders

You forgot the apostrophe

And there is was

*it

This was a lot of fun, and there's a sequel, too!? I mean, bat ponies, Mare-Do-Well, and Babs? All done well? It's pretty sweet.

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