Columbine is an ordinary pegasus with an unusual problem - she can't sleep. She has been plagued with nightmares that she can't seem to escape of dark, shadowy beings wandering her house while her family is asleep. Desperate for a good night's sleep, she begins keeping a dream journal. What it reveals is less about dreaming and more about the very real problems that may be causing her nightmares in the first place.
{Submitted for EqD's Halloween Horror Story Competition. This is my first time working in horror, so constructive feedback is very welcome.}
Chapters (1)
I kinda got confused at the ending but it was a great story :D
3349723
Glad you enjoyed it. What did you feel was confusing about the ending?
3349834 The part where her husband was making something in the bathtub
I'm assuming she gets sucked dry shortly after writing this?
3349858
I think the answer to that depends largely on what you think happened in the bath tub the first time.
3349899
I leave that up to the reader to decide.
That was good. Another!
I hereby represent the people on this website who find it absolutely ludicrous that people perusing a website based on literature write such miniscule, insignificant comments on works deserving of far more feedback.
That said... ehem... I enjoyed this story. in fact, I enjoyed it alot. it was an interesting medium in which to portray the story and I feel it worked well in its context. My only critique is that it's clear you left the end up to interperetation, yet there seems to be an overwhelming lack of evidence to suggest something more sinister to the story. all I find myself having to go on is the connection between the turquoise eyes of the creature in her dream and her husband in the candle light. were there something more suspicious, something more out of place, something darker, then the ending could have been more chilling and thought provoking than it already was. I liked the subtlety of the eye parallel, but I need something just a bit more to feel convinced that something more sinister may have happened.
I also theorized by the fact that there were 2 creatures in one of her dreams that she was subconciously afraid of both her husband and her son. perhaps that's just speculation, but if she were afraid of her whole family (which makes sense in my mind, cuz paranoia, and... well, I'm very familiar with the idea of insanity, or the degration of sanity. the subconcious is a powerful thing) then if a paralel were drawn between her colt and the second creature (like it was with her husband and the eyes), then I think that last dream could have made more sense... that's all.
otherwise, I thoroughly enjoyed this and I implore you keep writing!
PS: 2 dislikes? what is this madness??
This story was very well written! I really like how you portrayed what it would be like for someone you've known so long to have been replaced by a changeling, it shows a lot of insight into how infiltration works. I have to agree with Flux though, it may have been improved with something a little more sinister at the end. Perhaps make a comment about how his teeth seemed sharper? Or how he had a faint coppery smell about him? I'm not really sure, but either way this was incredibly well done and I hope you write more!
~The Professor.
3352698
I think that in some ways, I was much too understated with some of the details implying that Larkspur might be something other than what he seems. Everything from the translucent wing-tips to his "new" hunger to the scent of the fens was included with that in mind. The second shadow's appearance after the "drowning" of Lemongrass was also intended to be fairly on-the-nose, but now I'm not certain that's true.
My intent in writing was to create a sense of discomfort in the reader by always eluding to the horrors being committed off-stage without ever actually showing them, but always allowing the reader a clearer view of things than Columbine had.
Also, I had tried to consider that as a journal, her noticing something off during the final scene would have been very strange. I mean, she has no idea that something truly horrific is about to befall her (I chose to leave that something ambiguous because I love Pony for what it is, but accept that darker views are welcome). She thinks she's about to have a night of romance with her lover - why would she choose to see anything else.
That's kind of the root for the horror for me, I suppose. The idea that someone I love could utterly betray me, and I would fall for it hook line and sinker.
3353130
I think that the biggest hurdle (and one which I may have failed to clear, ultimately) was the question of 'is Columbine dreaming, or is she being made to THINK that she is'?
That ambiguity is a major factor of the story for the reader, and I'm not certain I did enough with it to build the tension I wanted.
3350986
Keep your eyes peeled for EqD posting writing prompts. So far, those have been to blame for my forays into fan-fiction.
3354986 I think you did a very good job with creating tension, though I feel it could have been more disturbing. Unfortunately, I don't often write dark stories so I don't really know how
in my opinion, this should have been longer. this feels more like a final chapter in a multi-chapter story rather than the full story it was meant to be.
3372636
I actually cut it down a fair bit in an effort to keep the "journal" feel. In retrospect, I almost wonder if I shouldn't have gone the other way, and made the descriptions much more lurid. They might have made some details clearer, and added to the tension.
3355997
My goal, in a way, was to write a sort that was only as Dark as your imagination made it. You could read it and say "this is a beautiful love story", or you could read it and say " this is a macabre tale of slow torture and murder", and have an equal chance of being right.
That said, writing with a lack of clarity as a GOAL is probably not the best way to produce quality storytelling.
3376534 I think that very goal has done an amazing favor to this story. I mean, look what it did with Inception.
3403067
I'm glad that you think so!
Though I still feel it suffered from not enough drafts, and my lack of familiarity with horror as a genre (both as a reader and writer).
I'm going to say that I disagree with several of the comments here, including this one:
I LOVED this story, and I think that making it clearer (or longer) would have ruined it. The strength of this story is in the subtlety that keeps the tension going. If you clearly see the monster and know exactly what it does, it becomes less scary. For me, at least, this actually hit slightly to the obvious side. The instant she described the monster for the first time I strongly suspected what it was, and every little clue after that made it clearer and clearer just what was going on. Being any longer or any less subtle would have ruined it for me.
Also this is criminally under-appreciated. Seriously. It is good stuff. I enjoyed your other changeling story enough to give it a thumbs up, but this one gets a thumbs up and favorite.
My heart stopped for a second there. Just when I thought she might live happily ever after...
It seems to be missing a chapter, I sense cliff hanger...
4232126 NOOOOOO
What are you thinking? That would ruin the brilliant subtlety!
4231583 thank you for telling me to read this fic, and posting my exact thoughts of it here. You're brilliant.
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
Have a ribbon, a thumb, a fav, and a feature recommendation!
4331870
Wow. Thank you very much for the recommendation. (And the nice image badge.
)
But in any case, I'm happy you enjoyed the story!
4335759
You're very welcome!
"Hey Dylan, what are you doing?"
oh nothing, I'm just killing people.