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After Queen Chrysalis' defeat, the few changelings who survived the battle fled into the night. Carbon Copy, a love-starved changeling, encounters a stallion who has attempted suicide. Finding that his life brought nothing but suffering to those he loved, Carbon decides to make some alterations.
To finally give the stallion's daughter the father she deserved.
First story in the Change of Heart collection.
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After posting this comment, I shall read the story.
Inspired by Owl City's song from the album: Ultraviolet; This Isn't The End.
I had to. I love Owl City. Also, your bio thing is also from one of his songs. I don't remember which though...
I like this idea. I congratulate you for a great story. And continue to love Owl City. He's amazing.
You outright diss the positives of having a mental empathy link like what the hive mind can be. Collective decisions are far better on an average than individual ones. What we have here is a waste of that bond by Chrysalis' propaganda. Regardless the cause Chrysalis made them have having a purpose and being united as one with the others like a family is a great and positive thing to have. Conviction is generally good. Perhaps if changelings could choose who to establish this link with this would be better.
This is an interesting idea, and it's well-executed. Faved.
That very interesting concept and you can make absurdaly good story if for example you will make one changeling who took place of pony who looked like bad one but wasn't. With even that simple concept you can make so much
4813901
Yes, I am a big fan of Owl City. And yes, this story was inspired by that song.
I think my bio quote was either from "The Real World" or "Dreams Don't Turn to Dust".
4814074 I remember now! It was The Real World!
4814014
This story is the first in a collection. I am already working on a sequel, so perhaps soon I will write something like that.
I have to admit that I like this concept. This was a great read and I hope to see more of this in the future.
Liked and Faved
wow this good can't wait for the sequel. this gets a like fav and follow so I know when the next ones done.
You should make this a series.
Its odd to have the term hippie used by an equestrian.
Only complaint really.
4814422
... But they exist in MLP canon.
I want more of this please!
4814515
Oh? Mustafa missed it then.
My mistake.
4814421
It is a series. There will be sequels with the same concept
Good changeling story, I read the bit about not a monster, and winked at the screen saying "some of us are, and I know where this is going."
I felt there was a bit of a disconnect when C.C. blamed all his troubles on Chrysalis then told the other guy to man the fuck up, and accept responsibility for his actions though. We could probably use more explanation of the nature of C.C.'s involvement in the invasion. Was he a soldier? Did he have military training? Or was he a conscripted citizen? Such explanation would relate his mindset of the circumstances he found himself in.
...WOAH!!! That...that was awesome!! Mind you, dark, thematic, and ultimately exploring a concept that would further the idea of Equestria being a land of Harmony without causing the rulers to become too controlling or tyrannical!! There will always be bad folks out there, but having an external force, who's survival benefits from the bad's removal, their taking the place of the bad, and THEN doing right where the bad did wrong? ....yeah, I like this idea alot!
Glad you wrote this and hope someone goes further with this, if not yourself.
Take care and great work!
this story really touched my heart, i really wish this could happen in real life. my best friend sister does not deserve to have kids, and neither does the husband, they already know about drugs they already know about sex they are so young too, and all I see is fighting over custody and they have no home to live in
you did great for your first one-chapter story and I can't wait to see more of it
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This was a very good concept, and more stories like this could be interesting.
There is something you should consider:
The story is told using the first person perspective, but switches to third person at times. Try to keep it consistent. Your stories will flow much smoother.
This is a very VERY good concept, and I hope you do well with it. However, at the same time, i hope you play with it. Carbon's note to all changelings, telling them to assimilate as a "bad pony" so that said changeling can turn things around and removing the original from the picture... I would love for you to play that. Of course, in this story, there's no doubt this particular stallion was a scumbag. But, i'm sure not all cases are black and whilte. It would be very interesting if a changeling assimilated and found out things were stacked against him, or that the pony in question had deep seated issues or outside forces manipulating his actions.
Hell, there once was a movie called INK that I watched a while back. It was about a man who lost his wife, and all he had then was his daughter and his career. The stress of everything going on caused him to take up drinking, which caused him to be abusive towards other family members, such as his wife's parents, and begin to neglect his daughter. Along with that, though, there were outside forces at work, filling his head with negativity, suggesting to him that all he should ever care about is his career and everything else means nothing and is indeed at fault for his negative feelings.
I dunno. Just a thought. I can't wait to see more, and I really hope you experiment with your story concept.
4814986 I think there's a difference. The stallion had done this of his own violation. Carbon Copy couldn't disobey Chrysalis.
Also, changeling society, in this story anyways, seems to be more about the many instead of one. To be so selfish would be disgusting to a changeling.
4815907
What I am suggesting is explaining why these things are things, as well as these things that you are telling me in your response, could be better clarified and would add a great deal of depth to the story. All with a few simple lines added here or there to help build a connection of continuity.
For example: The taking of a life is almost always considered a monstrous act, how does the character rectify his feelings of that? By doing the family a favor? For the good of a whole unit (as you're suggesting in your response) Was the changeling conditioned to place the whole before the individual? Even if it was, there's no real indication of it, and also no indication of when such conditioning could have occurred. (EX: "In the army we were taught to put our unit first, and this asshole can't even do that for his family.")
For the disconnect between the actions in canterlot, and himself, nothing to distinguish himself as separate from them. No "just following orders" or anything to that effect. So when he says it's Chrysalis's fault, he doesn't explain why she is to blame for his actions.
4815907
You were right on the mark with your comment. With the hive mind, a changeling could not disobey Chrysalis' orders. As I said, it's all about the cause, not the individual. Selfishness is an aberration in the eyes of a collectivist nation such as the changelings.
I truly enjoyed this story. It was an interesting take on a what a changeling would do in pony society. As well, while the world is usually neither black or white, I take great delight, when I see wrongs that have been made right. Keep up the good writing.
4816319
Ill make a Small reply...
Im going to Infer that, Considering the Hive Mind idea as a whole, The Queen is a Puppetmaster while all the others are simply puppets, doing as she commands, with either a "Do it Willingly, Or be a Passenger in your own body." That makes me Assume that, with his Comment of "It's All Chrysalis' Fault," It Very Well Is, as the Puppetmaster.
This was pretty good and well written in Carbon's POV. I do suggest you keep the story in first person rather than break to 2nd now and again as it gets a little confusing at first, but otherwise looking forward to see other tales you have coming
If you really sit and think about these lines, they have a sinister sort of meaning about them. I mean, think about it... He's telling changelings that if they decide a pony doesn't deserve their life, don't hesitate to kill them and take over their role. What can go wrong with that, you ask?
EVERYTHING.
Great story tho!
HHHHHYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH!
I loved entire thing. but I feel that too much of his new life was left out. can we get another story with those lost months?
Loved it, but it was too short.
Good premise, lots of potential. But there are a couple things about this that just feel weird. In particular The characterization you're giving the hivemind and Carbon Copy himself seem wildly inconsistent with each other.
So, couple specific comments.
1) There are a number of places where you're using words incorrectly and to strange effect.
For example:
This statement is strange for a number of reasons.
A directive is an order. To take precedence is to have a higher priority than something. So, you're saying that orders from the hivemind were taking a higher priority than a drone's actions. I think that's not really what you're trying to say. I think you were trying to say that the hivemind was issuing commands that drones were compelled to follow. Or that those orders were taking higher precendece than a drone's personal preferences or desires. Not precedence over its actions.
For example, if I give you an order, and Bob gives you an order, but I'm "higher in the hierarchy" and therefore my orders are more important than Bob's so you act on them...it could be said that my orders take precedence over Bob's orders. If you want to to do X, but I order you to do Y, and because of the hierarchy, my orders are acted on regardless of your preference, then my orders take precedence over your preferences. But what you're saying, is that I gave you an order, and maybe you followed my order or maybe you didn't, but either way my orders were more important than what you actually did.
Which doesn't make a lot of sense.
2) Carbon's transition from drone to fully independent, emotionally deep free thinker seems fairly implausible, and is completely unjustified from his background.
So as a drone, he wasn't capable of thinking for himself.
And, he either had no concept of love, of he'd lived his entire life perceiving it as a weakness. Incidentally, make up your mind. How could it be considered a mark of weakness if there was no concept of it?
...and yet suddenly he become this compassionate, emotionally driven character he cares about his comrades and wants to prove himself worthy of the very thing his society either perceives as weak or has no concept of at all?
What does he mean 'love again?' You'd said that he'd never left the hive before, he's lived his entire life in a hivemind that has no concept of love, doesn't even have wrods for it in their langguage...and yet now he's lamenting that he won't be able to do this thing "again" that he's lived his entire life viewing as a weakness?
How are you justifying this perspective shift? You're not. It's just there...and I'm not buying it.
...again, what? Up until a few ays ago, Carbon had lived his entire life as a creature with no concept of love in a soceity with no concept of love, a creature not even capable of independant thought, and yet now he's furiously yelling at his food for not loving his family?
2) Strange perspective shifts.
First person in one sentence, third person in the next, then back to first person in the third. I see other commenters pointing this out too. Yes, there are valid reasons to deliberately shift grammatical perspective. In a story like this where the singular/hivemind nature of the character's mind is a topic being explored, it would be reasonable to use perspective shifts to communicate these ides to the reader.
But, I don't get the impression you're doing this deliberately for some subtle purpose. It reads more like you're just being carelessly inconsistent. So either stop doing it, or decide definitely why you're doing it and implement it consistently.
3) Misc
His name is Carbon Copy. He's a changeling. You point out in the beginning of the story that tealing love is a basic part of their way of life. Is replacing a lost loved one and feeding on them really so novel that "Oh! I just had an idea!" is a good way to characterize it? Everyone reading this story knew this is exactly what was going to happen. Why is he acting like it's an unexpectedly inspirational idea?
Why? He's genderless. He's never left the hive before. Why is he suddenly so proud of being able to make his food feel good?
His knowledge is strangely inconsistent. He's never eaten pony food, yet he knows about pony interpersonal family socioeconomic dynamics?
I could go on. But I think you get the point. There's a lot of weird, poorly thought out stuff going on here. The character is interesting, the writing is sufficient, but overall the story just comes across strangely. because you're making use of emotional character that isn't being justified by the story you're giving.
I really enjoyed your take on the changeling hive mind. What do you think the process was when they went from a hive mind to individual. Were there feeling of loss, pain or something liberating. I would love to read your take on it.
Awesome story. I really love where you took the changeling concept.
Looking forward to the next one.
4815948 I think in this case, Chrysalis had full control of the changelings. As to the conditioning of putting the hive before the individual, I think that would have started to happen at birth, if not before then. This isn't like what humans would go through. Changelings would have absolutely no choice unless the Queen was dead(in this case Chrysalis).
As to the monstrous act bit, the stallion was trying to commit suicide anyways and he had abused his family.
Carbon Copy took place of the stallion and treated them much better so in this case it was for the better.
4818906 I'm not here to argue with you. I'm just going to point out the idea once more for clarity's sake. You're explaining things to me about the context of the story, outside of the context of the story, that could be expanded upon in the story.
That's what conveyance is. If you find yourself having to explain something, then you have encountered a point of where your story does a poor job conveying your idea. That's the first thing I ask my proof reader to look for (though he's not a brony, so its typically brony stuff that he points out) It happens to everyone here and there. I don't think there is a story on this site (mine included) that doesn't suffer from this at some point.
But, when you find yourself having to re-explain the main point or theme of your story, I suggest taking a moment to re-evaluate how you conveyed it in the story to see where you could work that explanation into the story, instead of the comments.
And correct me if I'm not addressing the author. I've only been here for two or three days.
A couple of tense mistakes. But that's about it.
4818912
My beta readers and I found that everything was well conveyed, but now looking at all this feedback, I realize that I could have explained a few things better. I have never experienced this level of scrutiny before, and I'll be more careful when writing the sequel. Thank you for your concern.
4818284
Thanks for your critique, although it was a bit lengthy. Honestly, these things slipped past my beta readers and I, despite them being some of the most critical human beings out there. This is the first time I have experienced such a high level of scrutiny, and I'll try harder to make the sequel smoother and more easily understandable. Thank you for your time and patience.
4813981
This wasn't a collective decision though. These changelings had no voice in the matter. Carbon is disillusioned by the collectivist ideal because he has only experienced the negatives. Teamwork is good, cooperation is good, but Chrysalis imposed these things upon them to fulfill her own agenda. The changelings were enslaved by the mental connection.
Short, sweet, deep.
I think I would like to see you develop on this changeling with his ability to be a individual...what would be even more interesting was to see how the changeling society changed because of this new development.....
4819153 Thats what i am saying... It was a tool used wrongly.
That was an amazing story and I enjoyed reading every word of it. But there is one thought that came to mind, and it was "How badly would the S**t hit the fan if she ever found out about the fact he's a changeling, knocked her up, and sent a letter to other changelings telling them to replace ponies?"
4819134 I find it stupid when people get all pissy over these types of little things. Because I have OCD and I find no issue with it. They're typos, they'll be fixed at some point.
4819174 I agree, I think a continuation of this particular changeling should go on, like how he is fitting in soceity and if the long run he does indeed tell his wife or she finds out. Though Carbon is using deceit to move in, he has made her familys life happier than ever so it would be interesting to see how she really feels and reacts towards him.
4820428 So, does this mean I can look forward to more, soon? :D
4820440 That would depend on the author of this story. For me, I have an issue with changelings not being found out for who they really are with a pony or family they are infiltrating. But if the author wants to leave this as it is, it's still a good ending though.
4820516 I concur.
I can think of one other fanfic similar to this. This one shall inwardly comencee feeling the feels. Logic approves.
This has potention for a big series!