"Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't want to live there."
It's been a thousand years since anypony has seen the sun.
A thousand years since Celestia's name has been spoken, and all memory of her warmth and light has faded away into the night. The sun goddess of old had been killed during a coup by her sister, Nightmare Moon.
In this world of unrelenting darkness, three ponies find a ray of light. Hope.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Very well done indeed. I eagerly await to see more of this story in the future.
Well this story's getting...
SIRIUS
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb6cmzRUgw1qazyb0.gif
*Gets Shot*
Me likey this story... a lot. I shall watch this story with great interest.
Speculation is that Persei is Celestia reincarnated, but that doesn't explain the other two's relationship to her.
Mm...do the Mane 6 exist in this universe? I suppose if Nightmare attempted genocide, they likely don't.
This story pleases me, proceed.
This adds an interestingish development. Definitely makes the backstory all the more intriguing, though of course one doubts who truthful anyone NMM affiliated is being.
Wow. That's just horrifying.
I knew Nightmare Moon's reign was bad, but this...?
Persei's being pretty horrible to Sirius, though. It's not his fault how he was born. And now he's going to nest in the lion's den. :x It's not his fault in the slightest; he's just a kid who's been hated all his life, and suddenly everyone thinks he's on top of the world. What a tragedy of errors.
This story is very cool. Interested in seeing where it goes.
this is an interesting story
wow this story is intense
This has a interesting premise and set up. You have definitely done a good job of setting up the characterization of your characters. That said however, they could still use more fleshing out, Persei in particular I feel needs to be fleshed out more. The only thing I really want to suggest is to add more detail and pace yourself and not hurry from one scene to the other. Sirius's flight from his home to the city spanned one maybe two paragraphs, and the sheer distance he had to cover felt there should have been more here.
I'll follow this and see where it goes, keep up the good work.
4538142
Thanks, I'll take that into note. Characterizations are always fun, and I don't mind spending a little extra time doing it better.
Yes, admittedly, I also felt that the transition between the hovel and the city was a bit abrupt. I'll be wary to avoid hurried transitions in the future.
4537500
Thanks!
4538969 Glad to hear it, I try to offer some constructive criticism to the stories I read and follow. Hope I didn't come across as pushy or anything.
this is most interesting
this is getting good
Now that was one hot date.
Well, looks interesting enough. I do enjoy a good NMM story, though sad that most I've read have her as the villain for the sake of being against Celestia...
4550446
Very hot, indeed.They have a burning passion for each other.
4550599 *brohoof*
The one thing that leaps to mind here, oddly, is the use of 'arms' instead of 'forelegs'.
Other than that...it's a depressing chapter. Psychic mind rape is awful
4555343
I did not realize that I had used the word arms. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll fix it right away.
After reading so far i really like Sirius story line
more than his sister
Both her and her Mother keep blaming him just gets to me
Sure past traumas can make you act that way, but his sister only judge him for doing what? Live?
Hopes for the best, and hoping that she gets a reality check soon
Why i have a bad feeling about this?
"Our dreams end when we awaken, but are they dreams when we can no longer wake up?" Something that came to mind after reading this.
Several times, you've used unchartered, not uncharted.
One issue.
The countryside is basically normal.
Trees, bushes, herbs, rabbits, temperature.
Either only animals can't see the sun, but plants can, or plants are somehow magically fed.
4600289
That's a good point. Photosynthesis requires sunlight.
Perhaps these plants have adapted to these conditions of eternal night.
Though there are many plant types such as CAM and C4 plants that don't require direct sunlight to use photosynthesis.
And thus the cycle of senseless violence, hatred, and despair starts anew.
This is Jack of Blades approved.
Well done on the introduction to this story. I like the brief introduction to temporal displacement and explanation of timelines. You're three main characters have a great entry into the story and seem to have decent character developement for an introduction.
The only thing I'm unsure of is the connection to Persei and Cepheus. Is thier situation much like the cake twins with their parents both being earth ponies that have a vague amount of unicorn and pegasi blood or are their parents one of each species? What is the situation going on there? Cause I don't specifically remember reading the species of thier combined mother.
Other than that everything else I found was greatly written. I entirely enjoyed reading the first chapter and will continue to read when I am able to. Overal: well done, and I hope to read more soon.
4632302
Thanks
You were good to pick up on this disparity. Mother is an earth pony, but Cepheus is a pegasus and Persei a unicorn.
This issue will be resolved as you learn more about the father, the circumstances surrounding their births, and their genetics. It'll all make sense as you progress through the story, and I will address this anomaly in an upcoming chapter.
Very good job on this chapter. A little more back story on Sirius and the bat ponies/nightborn was good. I like the details on Sirius' kind (greyscale night vision, and dreamwalking) much like most nocturnal creatures and in the case of dreamwalking like Princess Luna/Nightmare Moon.
I couldn't find many details to pick at this chapter but I did find one that nagged me while I was reading. Persei seems to have little appreciation for Sirius, and it seemed like he could sense that in her dream.
I'd like to know if the dreamwalking ability could help to sense one's emotions while engaged in thier dream? Maybe that was the way I precieved it as I was reading and I could very well be wrong, but if you could clarify on that I would be appreciative.
The religion of Celestion. Oh what a topic to be discussed.
To get this started another well done chapter. And I hope your trip was wonderful, where'd you go to?
Anyways. Celestion: The religion depicting Celestia's return and triumph over Empress Nightmare Moon to set the world ablaze. I like the introduction to this chapter and concept.
It's similar to the first episode's presentation of Nightmare Moon's return, but in the show there is no evidence of a cult or religion based upon her return. I like the concept brought upon here to keep paralelle to the actual show. The only thing I wonder about right now based on that, is the elements. The elements were destroyed with Celestia. What are the replacement elements and who (if any) are the bearers of said elements. My educated guess leads me to believe that so far your main characters may eventually meet up with others and they are the the "chosen ones" but as I said before I could be wrong.
I'd also like to know if the elements have any signifigance to the religion of Celestion. I noticed the elder stallion had not mentioned them, perhaps out of ignorance.
The other thing I was mulling over was the un-noted disapearence of Sirius. I liked that he went back by himself to steal his mothers pills, but he went back to gain love and apreciation from his mother. I understand his motives but question his methods. So my question on this is roughly how old are they?
But this chapter seemed to focus more on Persei. She hasn't thought about stallions that much and she dislikes being intimate with her brother. She started slipping into talking about herself when trying to explain what mares want in a stallion, I liked the more indepth feel to her character and I now feel as if I know her better as a 3D entity.
I'm sorry for the huge analysis of this chapter but I felt there was just so much to say. I said it before, and I'll say it again. I enjoyed reading the chapter and look foreward to reading the next.
I have very few nit picks with this chapter, and it is still beautifully written. My biggest one you address in the comments of the next chapter. So I have nothing more to say about it. (The transition between village to big city)
I see that you have a character named Trixie in the story and I assume that this is the same character in a different timeline as the character, "The Great and Powerful Trixie" but where did she go when the Nightborn came and cracked down on the street gang? She seems to have an affiliation with them, and yet she helped out Sirius so willingly. You portrayed her as a Generally kind and nice character, and I'd like to see more of her in the story whether with or against Sirius.
At the beginning of the story I pieced together that the mother of these 3 foals was a criminal but I never saw her being on the most wanted list. Well done on that! I enjoy reading your work and hope you keep improving the more I read. (Which you have been so far
)
4632414
About Dreamwalking, it's more than just sensing a pony's emotions. It can expose the inner workings of the psyche itself, the underlying entities which are causing the emotions in the first place: Insecurity, Guilt, Unbelonging....All this is open to manipulation by the experienced Dreamwalker.
Sirius is a novice Dreamwalker, so he can just feel the emotions and even peer inside their dreams, but anything more is beyond his ability right now.
I hope this clear things up, and I will explain this in much better detail later on in the story.
Interesting Note: According to Freudian Psychoanalysis, it is in our dreams that our subconscious drives manifest. That is the rationale behind the Dreamwalking influences.
4632867
You are very meticulous in your observations. I will try to answer to the best of my ability.
The Elements of Harmony were destroyed, and the remnants are probably lying in one of Nightmare Moon's repositories. It holds no significance to the Church of Celestion, the sun goddess herself is their main focus.
About their ages: They are all teenagers, Sirius being the youngest.
I love seeing back story and the mother's is getting better. I have sympathy for her character like I do with Sirius.
I however also agree with Zodiacspear. Your characters still need some fleshing out. I liked the character development with Persei in chapter 3 but now it feels like she's taking her anger out on Sirius for the sake of causeing conflict. I understand the prejudice facing both sides, so I get why solar's hate lunar's and vicea versa. But Persei grew up with and helps take care of Sirius. Does she just think of him more as a burden and a hinderance to herself her brother and her mother?
Anyways well done on the chapter, keep up the good work and the more I read the more I look forward to the next chapters.
This chapter has nearly everything needed in character developement. Ambition. Thought progression. Conflict. The character defects and questions his actions, and still continues with mentally dessicating his mother. It was fantastic.
However Sirius doesn't know why his mother is like this and he is unable to enter her dreams or memories without help. He can't find the reason why his mother hates him and it hurts him to the point where he will assault her mind because she never told him her reasoning.
As I said before well done nothing much else to say about it. Also I know you worte this a while ago but I'm hoping that I'm not seeming too harsh on you. You've been improving the more I read. Great job, keep it up!
Join the herd, resistance is futile.
I think the only thing I'm questioning right now is about Ultra Violet. You described her as a unicorn. She was falling through the sky at incredibly high speeds, and crashed into the ground at the very spot Cepheus and Candle were having thier picnic. How did she get up as hi as she was to fall at such a velocity.
I would guess that some magic was involved in the landing process. Also what was with the light radiating from her skin? Perhaps also a form of magic or divination?
By the way, I'm really liking the story. Your story telling skills are coming along fantastically.
Things are getting... Sirius! But jokes aside well done yet again.
However, Sirius lost his character and now he's changing into a villain. The seed of evil has been sown. I can only hope that emotion can return to him, I suspect his person will feel empty to the reader the longer he goes on like this.
Although that's just the way most emotionless characters feel when stories focus on them.
Swears vengence on Amber, loses soul, kills his own mother, and precedes to do nothing to Amber. I'll be honest, I'm a little lost at this turn of events but I'll roll with it for now.
4632406
Haha! Thank you, when I wrote my first comment I had litterally only read the first chapter. I'm trying to comment after each chapter hopeing you can pick up some consructive critisism for future chapters.
For now I look forward to reading more about the father. ^-^
4634941
This actually clears up a lot of my questions. I thought I sensed a bit freudian psychoanalogy in dreamwalking and I'm glad to see someone using psychology as a template for writting. Well done friend.
Haha, fuck yes. I was expecting some good gore, man, but what I got was some next level shit. I'm hoping to see more of this xD
Damn, this story is so good. It deserves more attention
4656689
Thanks!
I'm so fucking confused xD
4658307
Yeah, I was worried about confusing my readers. The narrator is going insane, so a lot of disorder is expected in his story. But it will all clear up very soon.
I can't wait to reveal to you guys what's wrong with him.
must say, actually didn't see that coming and it actualy explains a lot, cuddos to you good sir
I was swriousoy confused by all the random things going on in Sirius' life, especially the importance of Necron. I'm so happy for this chapter, which not only cleared up my confusions but made the story that mucb better.
Um, Woah! That was so well thought out, I just thought Sirius was crazy and none of his chapters were supposed to make sense. But everything just now clicked.. Kudos to you!