• Member Since 16th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 25th, 2019

blackrosedarkness


Sequels1

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Fluttershy finds a foal outside her cottage and decides to adopt her. She names the filly Loving Miracle and raises her to be a kind and caring child. But after an accident at home, will Miracle still be able to live her life as normal? And will her mother still love her?

Sequel!

Omg! My first story to hit the featured box! Yay! :D

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 79 )

Thos idea was brought up before but not very often... Better make this good. *favorites.

Well, this was a good short story.

A little short for my tastes, as it seemed to happen so quickly. :applejackconfused:
Regardless, I enjoyed it!

Fluttershy would be kind enough to still love a Changeling, after all. :heart:

Well... The pacing is my main issue, but otherwise fine.

4243433 Yeah, that always tends to be my main issue with writing. I like to get from point a to point b but tend to forget about what happens in between. :twilightblush: :rainbowlaugh:

Man, reading this while listening to "Majestic" by Wax Fang kind of hit me hard. A very nice, unexpected twist.
Bravo!

Here's some... uh... things I'd like to say? Like a review of sort.

Good
The idea of memory loss at the start involving a little filly. Good idea. A little overdone, but its there.
Where she falls asleep feeding Angel? Cute. Tres cute.
Adoption papers. Lovely add.
Decent grammar.
Fluttershy is about 75% in character, so I'll 'ehhhhhhhhh' it. Some lines are just a little off. But most are spot on. Kudos. This ain't easy.

Bad
Naming the filly 'Loving Miracle' even though she does not show any 'real' sign of miracle (she wasn't even injured, and she didn't help Fluttershy create any miracle) is rather cringey. It's like naming your son Mr. Future Supermodel because I want him to be a supermodel in the future, or Miss Instant Happiness, because... well babies.
The filly realising she's a changeling and reacting as such. While there are such things as partial memory loss, you don't forget you are human, white, black, disabled etc. Similarly, I don't think you'll forget that you're a changeling. On top of that, if she really loved Fluttershy, she would have done one of three things. 1) Reveal to her. 2) Run away. 3) Hide it from fear that she'll lose this love. She wouldn't just cry in her room and stay in there.
Emergency Key? Really. To her 'child's' room. Wow. Creeper mum alert.
Instantly knowing she's Loving Miracle?... Yeah no. I don't believe Fluttershy would somehow see that unless there was a very obvious featured that reminded Fluttershy of Loving Miracle, like a memoir, or a necklace, or maybe even how she would act.


Pointers
The pacing zooms by. Take your time :) The story is more about the journey: how the character develops and gets to the ending point.
Certain punctuations are uh... misused. I don't have the time to quote, but at certain parts, semi colons or em-dashes would have been nice. Consult a proof reader.
So what is the changeling, Loving Miracle, originally doing at Fluttershy's? How did she get 'injured'? (Even though there was no mention of injuries or healing of cuts) It was never mentioned.
If Fluttershy found her in the rain, shouldn't she be covered in a thick, warm blanket, and be dried with a towel or something?
I'd take out the part where you tell us that Loving Miracle actually fell while Fluttershy was out, and replace it with a whole new scene where they discover that the changeling is actually Loving Miracle. Add some suspense, feelsy moments, rain BGM in the background, and tears. There you go. You have an accomplished scene. But its just me :3 (P.s. This is the Show Vs Tell example that some people don't really grasp the concept of. What you did was telling us that she fell and Fluttershy found out she's a changeling afterwards. Instead, show us that fell and was discovered to be a changeling.
Also, fallacy. The changeling wants Fluttershy to hurt her because she is a monster. But by hurting someone, aren't you becoming a monster yourself? :3

Overall: 5.5/10.
-2 for SUPER FAST PACING
-0.5 for plotholes
-3 for cringeworthy stuff
+4 cute stuff
+2 twist at the end
+2 consistent character
+1 grammar

Everything up to the changeling transformation was well done, but then the entire story jumps off a cliff. You resolve the major conflict in just a few paragraphs. This would have been much better if it was twice as long.

Good, but short and the ending is a rushed, not to mention it kinda just cuts off randomly.

Very short but very sweet :heart:

Would you like an editor?

Whoa, I didn't think it was that bad of an accident! :pinkiegasp:
Amazing story! :twilightsmile:

Overall, it was good. I give you your 30th like.:eeyup:

I can has sequel? :fluttershysad: Also, 35th like! :derpytongue2:

I feel like there's some squandered potential here. I mean, everything went by so fast, and I think if you would've slowed down and added some details it would allow for some good character development. It would also make the realization at the end more hard-hitting because we would feel really attached to this character. But as it is this is a nice little story, so have a thumbs up.

Pretty good, though it could use some extension, and not necessarily to the ending. It would be nice to see a little more of the interactions Loving Miracle had before being revealed as a changeling, like meeting some of Fluttershy's friends, going to school, and contending with a jealous Angel Bunny. Just all around slowed down, I guess. Of course, that doesn't mean that more to the end wouldn't be nice also, so I'll jump on the bandwagon and say a sequel would be nice.

I honestly didn't see that coming. Not once did it cross my mind that miracle could be a changeling. Though that does explain her lack of memory. Cut off from the hive, her mind was overloaded with the emptiness it left. She must have been assuming her pony form shortly before she was cut off from the hive.

I really liked this Fic. You get a like, a favourite, a follow and these:ajsmug::pinkiehappy::pinkiesad2::rainbowwild::raritystarry::raritywink::scootangel::twilightsmile:

"This is great! I can prove how responsible! I'll feed all the animals, and clean the house, and Fluttershy will be so proud!"

I think you mean, 'prove how responsible I am.'

4247518
Really? Was it THAT unpredictable?
I knew she was a Changeling the moment I read the description.

But after an accident at home, will Miracle still be able to live her life as normal? And will her mother still love her?

Let's see, accident, prevention of normal life, anything Fluttershy would not consider loving... Changeling.
I'm not trying to come up as a sort of douche (as a matter of fact I really enjoyed this story) but I just want to point that out to the author maybe. It may just be me, but the Changeling thing was too predictable.
*cough*thatandthere'sachangelingtag*cough*

4247703 well yeah. I thought that implied some mutation or something like that. It never occurred to me once that she was a changeling

Cute, short, and to the point. I like it!

I feel like you could have spent a little more time in character development, but I understand that this is exactly what I came for. However you put it, it was still fun!

Liked and faved, with a good feeling inside. :twilightsmile:

*sniff*:fluttershysad::fluttercry::fluttershyouch:That, that was beautifull.

Can you make a sequel please! :twilightblush:

Loved it. However, you may want to consider substituting "Miracle," or "Loving," for "Loving Miracle" in a few places. You know, just to add some variety.

4247703 This comment spoiled the entire story for me T_T
IM GANNA KILL U :pinkiecrazy:

4243569
1st part T.T
Middle part e.e
Last part U_U (sleeping)
sorry no offense but the comment is VERY LONG

4250187
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know people read the comments before they read the actual story.

Congrats on hitting the popular list! You deserved it! :)

The ending was a bit lackluster and the transition from her being found, and being adopted was practically nonexistent. I would avoid the changeling tag to keep the climax climactic. Nice idea, but the execution was kind of weak. You aren't a bad writer, just take your time 6.5/10 :fluttershyouch:

This could easily be expanded into the rest of Miracle's life. Have you considered doing so?

4251142 :P Yea i wub reading comments

I found this story cute and relatively well written but was just way to short probably needed at least another 1000-1500 words at the end in my opinion.

I enjoyed that and almost cried it was perfect :fluttercry:

4243569
I disagree that having keys to every room in the house as a parent is creepy; the idea that a child may hurt themselves and be inaccessible is more frightening then a parent being able to enter a locked room in my opinion.

I agree with much of the rest of your critique, though I am willing to give the specific sort of amnesia a pass; it's a common enough trope.

As an aside, I find the idea of resolving an adoption without the child's input to be just a touch odd; better would be for the prospective parent to have the paperwork drawn up but unfinished and to ask the child if they want to be adopted.

I rather liked the story on the whole; it could defiantly be elaborated upon and smoothed out, but it's satisfactory.

4255793 where i live, our rooms have no locks, so keys are out of the question in my expertise xD

Overall, this is good. I enjoyed reading it. But it could have been GREAT if you had just drawn it out a bit more and fixed some minor plotholes. There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said. Just know that pacing, execution, and general rereading can be crucial to pieces like this. This is definitely a good fic already-- it just could have been better.

Must do one of the follow

1- continue this
or
2- MAKE A SQUEAL!

I would love to see this story fleshed out and given more attention to detail. The Potential so make something Beautiful and epic is here, it just needs a bit...actually it would need a lot of work buy you could make something truly epic out of this. You wouldn't even need to change the story line. Just add in more detail and divide it into chapters.
For example you could expand on how Flutershy first found her, the recovery, maybe introducing her to Flutershy's friends. possibly a sub plot or two and before you knew it this would take off.
As it is this is a short and sweet fic, But there is so much untapped potential in these ideas that I am dying to see explored. Someone needs to use them.

Does this really qualify as sad? I mean, it couldn't of had a more feel-good-ending.

Ah whatever. Amazing story.

4264729 i honestly thought that meant fluttershy would be saving her foal "from" a changeling, not that she actually "was" a changeling

To be honest,this is my first changeling fic I've ever read; you've given me a flawless first impression. The story is beautifully sequenced, each event directly progressing into the next. I did sense so e foreshadowment, which made me even more interested in how the scenes would play out.
Wonderful

An up thumb and a star

Yay. This story needs a sequal

Very sweet epilogue! I favor the idea about changelings feeding on love meant for them so it doesn't hurt the one they are feeding from. The epilogue helped wrapped this story up nicely. Looking forward to the sequel.

Bon Bon a changeling. Who'dve thought...

Great epilogue to a great story.

Yay for Sequal!

Yay for learning better pacing because the pacing was a little sucky!

I may be a soulless bastard but I want more of this. :rainbowkiss:

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