• Member Since 5th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 25th, 2015

FluttershyisMetal


Hiya, I like to edit. And sometimes I write shitty stories. Who would've known?


T
Source

Thunderlane is in love with Rainbow Dash, and Rainbow Dash is in love as well... With another pony.

Heavily influenced by this song: Manchester Orchestra - The Neighbourhood Is Bleeding

Cover art by ApertureIndigo.

[img]http://24.media.tumblr.com/a257ad5165644b1f79354634dfdee284/tumblr_mqo61uYbwk1rj6vd5o1_400.png[/img]

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 40 )

Ug. The feels~ :raritycry:

heart-shaped box

:fluttershyouch:

2963812 You caught the reference! :yay:

Short, sweet (or decidedly not sweet) and well written. Well done.

Nice story. It is a good view on the situation, one anyone can take to heart. If you truly love someone you should be more than willing to suffer for them.
Now, that being said, I have a few pointers as to how you can make this good story better. If you don't mind my advice, that is. :yay:
First of all is this line:

He walked out the front door of his cloud home, debating whether or not he should buy her chocolates or not.

This one is a simple fix and is also the only thing keeping me from liking this story. Have "or not" twice is most likely just a slip of the mind or fingers. Just take one of them out and the like shall be yours!
My other advice is something simple that is fixed with practice. You tend to start a fair few sentences with the words "then" and "but." While it is not strictly necessary to avoid these words to start a sentence, if it happens too often it makes the writing appear at a lower quality than it could be. The former can be fixed by replacing it with what the character is doing. For example, in the line "then, he descended from his home, and towards Ponyville, the town that the mare he loved called home," you could replace "then" with something like "smiling to himself."

Anyway, this was an enjoyable story and I wish you the best of luck in your future writings.

2964258 Thank you for the criticism! I fixed that double 'or not' situation, it was a typo. :yay:

2964282 No problem. I find it enjoyable when someone acctually takes my advice, rather than getting mad at me for pointing out minor errors in their stories. Some people like to think that they are perfect.
I digress. I have granted you your like.

Have a wonderful day.

2964296 Of course! I need all the help I can get! :twilightsmile:

Aw i hate that feeling:raritycry: but great story keep it up mate :D i want more stories but not one-shoter

2965000 Then stay tuned, my friend. I have two on-going multi-parters, and I'll probably do more (along with one-shots) in the future. I'm glad that you enjoyed it! :pinkiehappy:

Some things just never get old. Never ever.

24.media.tumblr.com/a257ad5165644b1f79354634dfdee284/tumblr_mqo61uYbwk1rj6vd5o1_400.png

Short, sweet, and to the point. Amazing that such a short story has so much feels. I was a bit worried when I saw the length but its really good. Have a like, a favorite, and a follow.

Also feel free to post this ribbon in the long description (there is a smaller one located at the group in a thread). :twilightsmile:

296379129638122963964296425829650002971364
Quick question, would anyone like to see a sequel to this? I do have an idea in mind, but I don't want to take anything away from this story.

2979864
*Raises hoof* I would. :yay:

2979864
If you have an idea, do it. Don't care what others say, just do it. Write first and foremost for yourself, let others enjoy it if they will. Strive to achieve your best and what you want to do and if someone doesn't like it, so be it. They are not you and your happiness does not depend on them.
Do as you please.

But yes, I would read it if you wrote it.

2979864
As this story is cut down to its most basic frame, it has as many possible sequels as what-ifs. I see it as a nice one-shot that runs a well executed, long-since as working proofed concept. But for a sequel it lacks the individual fundament, an existing problem that can be developed further. It has the potential, but I don't feel an urge for it. It's up to you.

2979864 i actually would like to see a sequal 1 cause i think thunderlane is pretty cool and 2 this is interesting

Comment posted by FluttershyisMetal deleted Aug 5th, 2013

Why'd you remove the sequel?

2992306 It did seem to go against how this story ended.
Oh well. Better luck next time!

2992481 No problem.
Unfortunately, the other story is now stuck on my read later list drop-down thingy. Do you know of any ways to remove it without the story being up?

2992488 Wut. That's odd. I know this is going to sound dumb, but either try refreshing, or signing out then back in.

2992494 Hmm. Tried both and it is still there. I'll probably send knighty a PM, see if he knows how to fix this. Thanks for your help anyway.

2992517 Don't worry about it. This can't be the first time something like this has happened and I can guarantee it will not be the last. It may even be a good thing that this happened to me, because if it is happening to people who don't say anything it will never get fixed. We may have just helped led to this site becoming better for many people.
So don't worry about it!

Hi there. I hope you don't mind, but I have put together an audio version of this fic on YouTube.

3134956 Oh, wow! I'm truly honored! That is amazing! Thanks so much! :raritystarry::rainbowkiss:

How underrated this story is.

C'mon thunderlane go get her back
:rainbowdetermined2:

Rainbow aint no lez pony! Good writing all the same...

poor thunderlane. now i feel better for helping him further a relationship with octavia. he needs the love.

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