[dead account] formerly known as IceboxFroggie, now known as Murmurpunk
Rainbow Dash has it all: friends, fame, and a dark past, riddled with lies and broken bonds.
Thunderlane also has it all: a brother, friends, and a dark past, filled with neglect and sadness.
But through it all, Rainbow Dash and Thunderlane have become close friends; friends whose pasts intertwined and became a long-lasting bond.
But how close is too close?
Do they have feelings for each other?
Their relationship will be strained. It will be tested.
It will never be the same.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So, some advice. First off, you need to work on paragraphing some more. There are still some big walls of text in your narrative that could stand to be broken up a little more for ease of reading. Secondly, your transitions. This is a major factor because you're jumping from present to the past, via flashback, and back again fairly frequently, but your narrative doesn't really show any change from past to present. There are all sorts of stylistic choices you can go with. The horizontal rule is a reliable tool for separating your text to make the transitions easier to follow. A lot of people (myself included) like to do flashbacks in a different form of text, usually italics, so as to distinguish them from what is happening in the story's present. The basic idea is to help sort your narrative so the readers can keep track of what's going on.
Aside from that, I see some promising ideas that could make this story a really good read.
3386768 There, edited. I'm still fairly new to the writing scene (this is the ninth story on my account, and I'm working on a collab), so I'm trying to find what style of writing and styling suits my fancy.
Great so far, just a tad awkward at the end. Can't wait till next update!
Also the flashback at the beginning is pretty much exactly as it is in Watchmen.
3412770 That scene was pretty similar to Watchmen, I know. I wanted to see if anyone got the reference.
3412855
I feel like i know you frome somewhere....
Have you ever been trapped inside a giant cocoon?
3422886 Nope.
3422888
Would you like to be.....
3422915 Nope.
3422919
Straight to the point, i like that.
And to show how much i like it, i'm offering you a free weeked stay,
In one of our brand new luxury cocoo.... err i mean
Full Body imersion Spa Baths!
3422948 OOOOOH
Maybe I should explain in molecular terms how life works?
3422949
Umm you know what...
*Grabs his hat and muffin carrying case*
Iwouldlovetostickaroundbutireallyhavetogoseeyalaterbye!
*Runs out the door at full speed*
3422963
3422968>>3422963
Well...that conversation was almost as interesting as the story. 
3424340
Hey the story isnt that bad!
Or wait.... is the conversation that good?
hmmm.....
3424796 I'm pretty sure you misinterpreted 3424340's comment.
3425588
Hey! the day i understand anything,
is the day rainbow dash becomes a likeable character!
3425796 Did you...really just say that?
3425802
Of course not silly!
I typed it.
3425817 DON'T SMARTMOUTH ME
I'm sorry. I just...I'm defensive of my faves, okay?
I think that there should only be one 'for' in the statement. I sounds a wee bit better.
Located about the second to last paragraph of the first flashback.
3602392 The first 'for' is talking about the pimp, whereas the second 'for' is referencing the time frame she worked for him. It does look a bit strange, yes, but there's no other way to do it without making the sentence unnecessarily long.
3602399
Makes sense.
As for the story, I enjoyed it quite a bit. It brings in some nice background and rings into a good plot. I am exited to see where the story goes from here.
I. Freaking. Love. This. Story.
No joke dude this was really well written a mustache to you my good sir
I'm liking it. Maybe, if you get the chance, you could touch it up a little?
It's a great story, but a lot of it seemed like exposition rather than adding to the body of the story. You could move RD's thoughts on Pip into a different scene, one where she's already broken off from the rest of the house and has a moment, and have Daring's piece in it's own mini-Chapter. 
Great story, nonetheless.
3609240 That's all intentional. Chapter Five will get to the meat and potatoes, trust me. It's gonna be gooooooooooood.
3609289
i give you a lot of props for this story i really like it so far and hope u keep up the good joob
Where did you got the cover art?! It's funny!
3619261 I made it myself. I threw together a Thunderlane vector and a RD vector in pixlr, and there it was.
3619309
You have dA?
3620148 I do, but I never use it. I only use it to watch people, but I suppose I could start putting things up on it, It's here. Did you enjoy the story?
3621418
Nope, but I will! :D
Hey! I commented on a picture of yours! Go see your dA!
3623612 Yeah, um...I'm not sophiecabra. That's not my picture. That picture just is in my favorites...
3623623
Lemme try again...
Wrong Paste!
3623668 I have no pictures on deviantART. I am not an artist, I just made a few vectors look like they were looking at each other.
3623623
What? You didn't uploaded any deviation?!
3623723 I have not uploaded any deviations. At least, not yet.
3623728
Why did you winked? I'm a boy...
3623850 I used it to indicate the fact that I was telling you something before anyone else.
3623925
You do know other guys may read this right?
3623942 Yep!
I really like how you've gone for a very realistic approach in this story. While I feel your grammar and sentence structuring needs a touchup, I'm loving what's happened so far. My only criticism is:
I'm unsure of how early this occurs, but Rarity went to school in Ponyville, and that is how she got her cutie mark. And at that time, Rainbow and Fluttershy were in Flight School. I don't think this one detail lines up.
4515381 That's true. I wrote this back when I was still a newb writer and posted without editing, pre-reading, or checking to make sure everything lined up. I think I'm gonna go back and make sure everything else is in order, and change Rarity to someone else.
Thanks for bringing this to my attention (and for the favorite)!
4515396
Well if you need any help with it, I'm always able to lend a helping hand. I'm always eager to see more good ThunderDash stories.
ERRR MAH GERRRDD I LOVE IT! I think you should really continue on with this story with all the ThunderDash fans here. Today I've just read this WONDERFUL story and it's.....
Rainbow dash AWESOME, 20% Cooler, and over all FABULOUS!
To bad it end here, i really want to see the next scene