• Member Since 2nd Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 7th, 2013

StarGuardian


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Comments ( 7 )

Brilliant. I'd always wondered how the five other than Twilight first met.

There is nothing pony related I love more than the bond between Fluttershy and Rainbow. Excellent job.

Fluttershy was brused and had a few patches of blood on her coat but she was otherwise fine.

bruised

Fluttershy stopped dead in her tracks as she realied her situation.

realized

Other than those two errors, this was a very sweet story. Fluttershy is my favorite pony and I always got the impression that she and Rainbow Dash knew each other the longest out of all the mane six. MUSTACHES! :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

2342869 Thanks for catching those errors, I really appreciate it.

Mustaches?! :yay:

2343454 People on this site seem to award mustaches to people who's stories they like. So I do the same and just click the mustache button a bunch of times; the number is strictly random. And no problem on catching the errors, we writers gotta look for each other :raritywink:

she was cornered in a one way alley

Not sure if "one way" is the right term here for a dead end.

The two ponies were copletely silent

typo: completely

"Honey, Can you bring the first aid kit?"

Injuries and fights must happen surprisingly often if Mrs. Dash can just look at a battered filly and nonchalantly say "bring the med pack".

A cyan pegasus stallon sighed

stallion

Ok... main piece of criticism I can give is pacing. You basically barraged your readers with a sequence of events: This happened, then this happened then this happened. Such as when Rainbow's Dad brought the pizza and said "ok, here's everything now bye." Or Rainbow tried to ignore the bullies but then caved and kicked back. You certainly didn't really show her "trying" to ignore them.
You also did not allow any emotion to sink in, or allow much emotion to exist really. You were too busy saying what happened next to let us linger somewhere, to see how affectionate Rainbow's parents are, or how much Fluttershy appreciates what Rainbow did. Or on the other side of the emotion spectrum, the frustration or anger Rainbow feels whenever dealing with the bullies, or how embarrassed Rainbow really gets.

And there is also this bit that confused me. Were Rainbow and Fluttershy friends before this? I'm going to assume 'no'. That said, while reading, I get the sense that either they became friends too easily to be believable, or that they have been friends for a while before this.

So, all in all, there were problems with this story. It isn't bad enough for me to call this a "bad" story, but, if I'm to be honest, I cannot outright say this was a very well written story either. That said, with a bit of work and practice, I'm sure you'll be able to write a well written story.

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