• Member Since 29th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 5th, 2019

Midnight Sonare


In the rays of the sun I am longing for the darkness

T
Source

Am I going insane? Darkness surrounds me. There is no light to be found. Can you feel my fear? Can you see that I am losing control? Please tell me you won't leave. I can't be alone anymore.

None among us holds all the answers in the heart of the most solemn and barren night. Have you questioned all the madness you invite? What your life is all about? Every night I struggle through it once more, bottling up myself to preserve for a time when I do not fear losing it. Every day I put a brave face on, feeling helpless to face it alone. It is hard, sometimes, to tell that I cannot change who I am, how I feel. There is no end for me.

None can imagine what I must go through, every single day, as I spiral further and further from what I need. I am not asking any to save me, however; I'm too far from the light.


Thanks to my editor, AtomicMuffin.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 38 )

I had a feeling that this will be about Sweetie Belle expressing her magical talent in a... socially unacceptable way, to say the least, but until the very last paragraph I wasn't sure what exactly was going on. Now I think I know, and it scares me - I hope that she'll find a right teacher (but not the one saying that the dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be…unnatural) - would love to read more!
Also, I lol'd at the exploding pancake idea! :raritywink:

The concept is intriguing enough, especially with the last part with Celestia and Luna.

However, I think you could greatly benefit from an editor or two. Your conversations sound very awkward and out of character, and you have quite a few grammatical errors (though they still convey the appropriate meaning).

Interesting enough to warrant a watch.

2813440 Pretty good idea indeed. I have to agree with Excelsior on this one. It's funny, I think Excelsior has said the same thing about one or two of my own stories if I'm not mistaken. Sounds like a very interesting idea, I can really put myself in the scenes but the dialogue is a tad rusty. That's what I would work on first, dialogue, how each character speaks needs to be a little bit more in character.

Very good story though, I don't happen to have any prereaders or editors either:fluttercry:. I have to do a lot of my own editing myself and I still miss a lot of things. Don't fret though, this is your story and it's looking good! Keep it up!

2811884 I'm glad you like it. I didn't expect to scare anyone with this but I welcome the feeling :pinkiecrazy:, I don't even know what's going to happen with Sweetie Belle. :unsuresweetie:

2813440>>2813957 Thanks for the observation :twilightsmile:, I will try to work on the dialogues to improve. I'm still new at writing and I'm not sure how the prereaders or editors works. :rainbowderp:

2814217

There are groups on fimfiction where you can ask for help.

2813957

Hm... I just looked over your story list and I think you have me mixed up with somebody else; I haven't read any of yours.

2814246 I would like to know some of these groups. I already have time here but this is my first published story, I would love to know any way to improve my writing.

2814445

Not having time for writing myself, I haven't actually sought out any groups; I have only seen them mentioned in comments. However, you can browse or search groups in

http://www.fimfiction.net/manage_users/groups

I would try some keyword searches such as "proofread" or "editor"

I think "authors helping authors" might be one also.

Well, I like to keep an eye on any Sweetie Belle story that comes out and read it when I have the chance, and of course leave a comment with a small bit of critique.

It seems some others beat me to the punch with pointing out the grammar issues particularly in the dialogue. And the problems are numerous and sprinkled throughout the whole chapter quite evenly. As for the story itself, aside from a few Out of Character bits, the premise is quite intriguing. I'd like to see the magic system explored a bit more (it's kind of one of my favourite topics to explore in fanfics)

I suggest that you reread your story out loud. It does wonders to catch some of the really blatant mistakes. Once you go over it again, if you haven't received any other offers of other editors, I'd recommend copying the whole first chapter over into a googledoc and then shoot me a PM if you would like. I am quite willing to do a markup of your work, and googledocs is probably the best system to do that in. (just FYI: by markup, I mean that I would highlight all the mistakes, and parts that I think could be improved upon, and suggest how to fix them. But of course, I'd leave it up to you to make those changes.) So just shoot me a PM if you feel like it, but keep in mind, I do like to work with authors that have a drive to improve and are willing to fix their work.

In any case, thanks for writing,
~SilentBelle

I want a story about your OC myself.... :raritywink:

... Is the summary a Mandopony reference? Just asking.

2843930
Oh, thanks. I didnt expect that someone asked that :rainbowkiss:. I had planned to write a story with my oc but as a secondary character. :twilightblush:

2843932

Mmm... I don't think. But I like mandopony and I've heard many of his songs, maybe I take some inspiration from him. :scootangel:

2844013
Heh. Maybe. Sounded like lyrics to some of his songs, tis all. I added your story, so I will read it when I can. I always am sure to check out stories when someone posts em up. :pinkiehappy:

Hi the concept is good, the whole unexpected darkside now a cheerful pony with her whole life ahead her has to deal with it...
You got a good start, but....

Well Rarity starts talking like a foal in some places and Sweetie bell is sounding more mature than she should and in other places she talks like the young pony she is, you are losing consistentcy. Plus Rarity isn't acting or talking like she does in the show, there's no flamboyancy no dramatics; this is not a middle ground pony, "the whole world's a show" is more her motto. Even when she was jealous and didn't want to show how worried she was in "Green with Envy" she was flamboyant (if only in her dress) in her hesitant apology to Fluttershy.

I recomend a good editor to catch these things, as you seem like a new writer. Just someone to iron out the wrinkles and tell you when the ponies are not using verbage to indicate the right age.

2813440>>2811884>>2813957>>2844979

It took some time, but finally the first chapter is corrected. :pinkiehappy:
Go ahead! Read it. The plot is the same, but some small details changed and now (I hope) is much better. :raritywink:

The second chapter will be ready soon.:yay:
Now we'll know what happened to Sweetie Belle :unsuresweetie:

This story is well-written. I like the concept of the idea, and the ending kind of gave away a little information *cough*Nightmare Belle*cough*, but that's still a cool idea.

I did notice a couple of things. One, these:

“Yes –cough– I only fill –cough– with smoke, that's all.”

and

“Are you –cough– okay, dear?”

I don't mean to sound picky, but I wish you said, instead of coughing in between what they said, you would say, "Yes, I...only fill.....with smoke, that's all," she said in between fits of coughing. I'm not saying you couldn't have done what you've done, but I wish you did that.

Also,

On the way to school Sweetie Belle took her time and walked slowly

and

she shouted to herself as she walked to school

We already know she's headed to school. If you could change it, I would appreciate it a lot.

Other than that, it was a good read, and you have earned my favorite and like!

(P.S. Exploding pancakes made by Sweetie Belle? Good call! :pinkiehappy:)

2895433
I'm glad you like it. :twilightsmile:
About the "cough" I like it this way, but it's good to know the different views of the other people. That's something I'll have in mind when I write.

And thank you so much for the favorite.That makes me happy. :pinkiehappy:

Interesting...

Sweetie Belle seems to calm down, and she stopped sobbing. Although she still shook in mild trepidation with every breath.

Two things about this. First, you do this tense switching kind of often, so make sure to try and stick with one tense. For example, "Sweetie Belle seemed to calm down and she stopped sobbing." Second, these two sentences probably could be combined either with a comma between them or by taking out "although" and placing a semicolon.

Aww yeah!! Enter Luna :pinkiehappy: this is going to get good:ajsmug:

Is the title of this story supposed to 8e `Far For the Light'? If not, you m8y want to consider ch8nging that.

~Vriska Serket

Okay, one question.... Who the hell is Stella? Serriously, you don't just drop that on us with out explaining anything!

Good story so far... I'll be watching this.

3649039>>3649069
I'm glad that you like it. And about Stella, well, she isn't important, for now... :trollestia:

YB

Nice story. Not sure if the concept of a pony getting dark magic powers is 100% original, but the way you handled it was really fine, and never in the reading have I been forcing myself to continue. It was really enjoyable, you have an interesting plot and-
...what? No, that's not rude. I'm not talking about that kind of plot.
*hem* anyway, you seem to know where you're going with this. Good pacing, good writing, good ideas, and promising content. What can I ask for? Maybe more chapters :rainbowwild:

It has the rating ratio it deserves, but it should definitely be more popular. Well, may my upvote help fixing this :trollestia:

3716915
Thanks... Hey! Careful where you look :trixieshiftleft::trollestia:

Well, thanks. I would also like that this was more popular. I feel sad when I think about all the time and effort that I put into this story and that this doesn't get much recognition. And also that I wrote a simple one-shot and it gets more than ten times the popularity that this has.

Sometimes I feel like I want to abandon this story, but I couldn't do that. Even if this doesn't has the popularity that I wished, I feel too close to this story to leave this unfinished.

Ugh! I feel like I entered sobby mode :twilightblush:

At first, I was like, "Green magic?! Changeling- no, wait, that doesn't work." Then I was like, "Implied loss of control? Nightmare Forces. We've got a freaking Nightmare Sweetie Belle brewing, don't we?"
I shall find out. Onward to the next chapter.

Okay, perhaps it isn't Nightmare Forces. This looks like something different. This looks like something more original.

3760845
Yeah. When I gave it some thought, that "I could burst" moment came to mind, but I couldn't recall what color her little spark was.

Speaking more generally, I haven't been this wrapped up in a story for a while. I really like the concepts at play here, and it helps that Sweetie is my favorite of the CMC. I'll have to watch this one.

Speaking even more generally, you write about some very interesting ideas. Consider me a follower.

3761036
Well, I'm glad that you like it and that you honor me with your follow.

So great was her glory that she cast a long shadow over her little sister.

By the way, did I detect a reference to the song "Lullaby for a Princess" in chapter 2, or was that just a coincidence?

Hey again Midnight! It's your friend Moonlight! Also I love the exploding pa-- BOOOOOOOM! X_X
Oh darn I over cooked my pancakes again! LOL:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::scootangel:

Color me intrigued. I'm curious to see what's causing it, as well as see what happened to Applebloom.

Hey middy, I just took the time to read this, and I am now kicking myself for not reading it sooner. Can't wait for the new chapter.

~Crystalline Electrostatic~

This is really good. Possibly one of my most favorite sweetiebelle stories ever. Please say you'll update soon. :D so in the meantime *hits like button*

4936593
Thank you! I am very happy to hear it. :pinkiehappy:
I'll update this soon. I just had a stupid writer's block. but I finally broke it with an upcoming one-shot.
I'll start the chapter 5 ASAP :twilightsmile:

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