Dawn of Darkness
“What happened?” Rarity asked the purple alicorn who stood in the middle of main room of the Carousel Boutique. Twilight was carrying Sweetie Belle with a shroud of magenta magic and deposited her smoothly on the floor.
Sweetie Belle ran quickly through the main room without stopping to greet or even look at Rarity. She just ran to the stairs as fast as she could, as if to avoid being seen. Rarity could hear her sister's hooves echo as she went upstairs, followed by a door firmly shutting.
Rarity couldn't understand why her sister, who had always been very kind, could do something as rude as pass in front of her without at least offering a greeting.
Twilight approached and placed a hoof on her friend’s shoulder. “Rarity, we need to talk.” The look on her face indicated that something had happened and the fact that Sweetie Belle ran to her room, completely avoiding Rarity, was not a good sign.
“Just give me a moment, please.” A blue glow appeared on Rarity's horn; the curtains were closed and the sign of the boutique was changed to “Closed”. She then walked towards Twilight and asked again. “What happened to my sister, Twilight?”
Twilight looked up the stairs where the little filly had run and then back to Rarity with a dark expression; it was a look that was a mixture of worry and fear. The fear of having a problem with no known answer. “It is Sweetie Belle... She, had her first wave of magic.”
“Oh my. Well, that is to be expected. Sweetie Belle is growing up after all.” Rarity's expression went dark while she wondered what had happened. She should be happy that Sweetie Belle is growing up, but by the way she behaved told Rarity that something is wrong.
“Normally I'd be really excited about her first magical manifestation, but...” Twilight stared at the floor and remained silent for a few seconds. For her it was something hard to say because even she hardly believed it. After taking a slow breath, Twilight continued in a voice barely above a whisper, “She used her magic to hurt Applebloom.”
“What!?” This took Rarity by surprise and she stepped back, mouth agape in horror.
“I know it is hard to believe.”
“Are you sure? My darling Sweetie wouldn't hurt a fly, less of all one of her best friends.” Just the very thought was appalling. But how could it be possible that she hurts Applebloom? That was unthinkable.
“I also wouldn't believe it myself, but... I saw it with my own eyes.” Twilight took a deep breath and began to tell what happened.
***
I was returning from Canterlot with Spike on way to the library when I saw a green glow coming from one of the alleys.
Scootaloo ran from the green light and looked desperately over her shoulder. She was about to return to the alley when she realized that I was there and she quickly ran towards me. “Twilight, quick! You have to stop it, she's hurting Applebloom.”
I ran as fast as I could and when I turned in the corner, I couldn't believe what was happening. Applebloom was lying on the floor, seized by magic. She wasn't screaming but I could tell she was suffering. Standing in front of her, was Sweetie Belle with a green brightness emanating from her horn and eyes.
It's hard to describe the feeling that Sweetie Belle's magic gave me. It was a magic, both unknown yet familiar at the same time, as if I had already felt it before. But there was one thing that I could be sure of, and that was that something was terribly wrong.
“What's going on?” Spike asked when he arrived.
“I don't know.” said Scootaloo. “We were playing and Sweetie Belle got really mad.”
I wasn't sure what was happening, but there was no time to think. I had to do something! Quickly I used my magic to interrupt her. Sweetie Belle stepped back and dropped to the ground.
Applebloom began to cry, asking, “Why?” She shakily got to her hooves, frightened and confused by what just happened. She ran away as quickly as her hooves could manage, and bolted from the alley.
“Wait! Applebloom!” Scootaloo ran behind her followed by Spike.
I grabbed Sweetie Belle and came here as quickly as I could.
***
“But... She...” Rarity had trouble accepting the idea that Sweetie Belle had hurt Applebloom. “I... I don't know what to say. Thanks for stopping her and bringing her here, Twilight. I will talk to her.”
“No need to thank me. I just wish I could have gotten there sooner, that way I could have prevented it from happening.” Twilight trotted to the door.
“Thanks anyway, Twilight. I'll take care of Sweetie Belle; you should go to see how Applebloom is feeling..”
“Give her some time. Sweetie Belle was in shock too.” Twilight left the boutique, extended her wings, lifted off from the ground and flew towards Sweet Apple Acres.
Rarity thought for several minutes. “There must be a reasonable explanation for why Sweetie Belle had hurt Applebloom,” she said to herself as she walked to her work table.
It was silent in the Carrousel Boutique, Rarity did not reopen the store. Instead, she tried to occupy her mind by working on her latest ensemble, but it was useless. She couldn't concentrate no matter what she did. Her mind still could not fully believe that Sweetie Belle was responsible of hurting Applebloom.
Twilight's warning about the filly's suffering certainly didn't ease her nerves. Rarity just wanted to run into the room and comfort her little sister. But she stopped herself. Sweetie Belle was in a delicate mood and if Rarity didn't approach it properly, she could cause the situation to escalate.
She walked to the door of the room and knocked softly. “Sweetie Belle, dear, I know you're going through a difficult time, but I want you to know that you can trust me. I just want to know what happened. ” Rarity turned and stepped away from the door.
“Sis...” The door opened and Sweetie Belle ran to Rarity. The two sisters embraced as tears ran down her cheeks. “She hates me. she must hate me right now.”
“Oh Sweetie, I am sure that you didn't intend to hurt her.” Rarity broke the embrace and began to caress Sweetie Belle's mane lovingly. “I am also sure she will understand if you explain what happened.”
“But... It wasn't an accident.” Sweetie Belle started to cry again.
Rarity tried to dry her tears. “What do you mean, dear? I am sure that you would never hurt one of your friends on purpose.”
“You don’t understand!” Sweetie Belle separated a bit from Rarity and she wiped her tears. “ I really wanted to hurt her!”
Rarity was shocked into a stunned silence, surprised to hear Sweetie Belle saying that. She always knew her sister to be a good filly. Sweetie Belle has never shown any intention to hurt anypony. She's the type of pony who was kind, not aggressive. For this reason, Rarity didn't know how to react.
“I don't know what happened to me, but now I am afraid it might happen again. I don't want to hurt somepony.” She backed away a little, curled up on the floor, and started to cry again.
Rarity walked over, hugged her again and said softly and lovingly, “Don’t cry, Sweetie. I may not know what happened, but what I do know is that you can always count on your sister. Together we will overcome this dreadful turn of events.” She looked her sister in the eye. “We will get through this, Sweetie."
The two stood together holding the embrace for a long time. Sweetie Belle seems to calm down, and she stopped sobbing. Although she still shook in mild trepidation with every breath.
Sweetie Belle was the first to separate from the hug. “Thanks sis, I'm glad that you're here.” She stood and turned to the room. “I want to be alone for a bit. I have a lot to think about.”
“Of course, take all the time you need. But remember, you are not alone. When you need to talk about something or if you just want some company, I'm always here.”
Sweetie Belle nodded and headed into the room. Rarity just stay and watched as her little sister slowly walked into the room. She usually always wants to spend time with me, even though sometimes I don't have time for her, Rarity thought. Although it seems that Sweetie Belle calmed a bit, Rarity couldn't help feeling that she was distant. I hope she's okay, it is unusual for her to be so introverted.
Sweetie Belle remained at the Carousel Boutique for several days, Rarity asked her parents if she could stay but avoided mentioning the incident. Not that she wanted to hide things from them, it was just that she wanted to take it slow. She decided it was best to wait until have more information before tell their parents.
The days turned into nights and before they realized a week had passed. Sweetie Belle refused to go to school or even leave the boutique for fear of what others would think of her.
“Sweetie, dear, your teacher is here!” Rarity shouted from the main room.
Sweetie Belle didn't want to talk with anypony, but she knew that Miss Cheerilee was worried about her.
Sweetie Belle slowly walked into the main room. “Hello, Miss Cheerilee...” she said in a voice somewhat sad and unwilling.
Quickly Cheerilee approached her. “Sweetie Belle, I was worried. You haven't gone to school in a week and I thought something bad had happened to you.”
“I'm sorry. It's just that I did not feel like going out anywhere.” Sweetie Belle’s gaze sank to the ground.
“Tell me what happened.” Cheerilee seemed to notice that Sweetie Belle wasn't acting like herself. “In the school there is a horrible rumor that you've hurt your friend, Applebloom. I tried to talk with her but refuses to tell me.”
“I don't want to talk about it.” Sweetie Belle distanced herself a little.
“I just want to know if it is true, Sweetie Belle.” Cheerilee edged a little closer.
“I said that I don't want to talk about it now!” Sweetie Belle shouted. Almost immediately she realized that she had yelled at her teacher and cringed.
“Well...” Cheerilee turned and headed to the door. “When you feel that you want to talk, you can come to see me. And try not to miss more school.” She bade farewell to Rarity and left the boutique.
“That was very rude, Sweetie! What would make you snap at her like that?” Rarity approached Sweetie Belle but stopped when she saw that she was crying. “Sweetie, why are you crying?” She trotted to her sister and stroked her mane.
Sweetie Belle calmed down a bit and dried her tears. “It happened again.”
“What happened again, dear?”
“I almost lose control and I yelled at Miss Cheerilee.” Sweetie Belle looked down and a tear fell to the ground.
Rarity hugged Sweetie tightly. “Oh Sweetie, it's ok, it was just a little shout. I'm sure she will forgive you once you apologize.”
“Do you think she is mad at me?” Sweetie Belle calmed down a bit.
“Of course she is not upset with you, only worried.” said Rarity trying to cheer her up. “But she is right. you can't be missing school more.”
Sweetie Belle nodded. “Tomorrow I will go to school and I'll apologize to Miss Cheerilee.” Rarity still heard some insecurity in her words.
Rarity broke the embrace. “Good. Do you want to help with my new design?” She wanted Sweetie Belle to forget, at least a little, her concerns and cheer up.
"You mean it!?" Sweetie Belle leaped eagerly at the thought of working with her sister.
“Of course.” Rarity took a step toward her work table. “Let's see if we find your Cutiemark.”
“Yeah! Cutiemark Crusaders... fashion... designers...” Her enthusiasm plummeted again. “Tomorrow I should go to apologize to Applebloom also.”
“About that, dear.” Rarity glanced away from her sister. “Applebloom... she–”
The boutique bell rang indicating that someone has entered.
“I'm sorry but right now –” Rarity paused upon seeing her friend enter. “Oh Twilight, it's you.”
“Hey Rarity, excuse me if I interrupt something.” Twilight glanced toward the little filly. “Hello, Sweetie Belle. Do you feel better?”
“Um... Hi, Twilight...” Sweetie Belle turned her head to the side trying to avoid looking at Twilight in the eyes.
Rarity approached Twilight. “Hello, Twilight. What brings you here today? Coming for a dress or just to visit?”
“I... I think I better go to my room.” Sweetie Belle turned and took a few steps. “I have a lot of homework to do after all.”
“Wait Sweetie!” Rarity implored. But it was too late. The little filly had already gone up the stairs to her room. She turned back to Twilight. “Sorry, she's been very sensitive since the incident.”
“It's ok, let her go. And that is what I came to talk to you about.”
“Well, let me prepare tea and we can talk more calmly.” Rarity went to the kitchen.
Twilight followed Rarity and enter the kitchen too. “Let me help you.”
“Oh no, I wouldn't dream of it, darling.” Rarity said while searching for tea cups. “A princess should not bother to make tea.”
“Rarity!” Twilight shouted, a bit upset, “You know I don't like being treated differently just because I'm a princess now. I'm still the same as always and I always will be.”
Rarity let out a small laugh. “Oh Twilight, of course you're the same. That was just a little joke.”
Twilight blushed and then began to laugh too. Rarity finished preparing the tea and the two sat down to talk better.
“Is Sweetie Belle better now?” Asked Twilight after taking a sip from the cup.
“She is better, but still a bit sensitive and she doesn’t want to leave the boutique.” Rarity lifted the cup with her magic and took a sip of tea. “I think she's afraid of hurting somepony again.”
“Did you tell her about Applebloom?”
“I haven't done it yet.” Rarity stared at the cup on the table. “I'm afraid of how she would react if she knew... ”
Twilight reached a hoof across the table to recover Rarity’s attention. “It won't be easy and you have to be careful, but you have to tell her.”
“I know I have to.” Rarity lifted the cup and took a last sip of tea. She remained silent for almost a minute contemplating the empty cup. “Twilight, did you find out why Sweetie Belle acted that way?”
“Sorry, not yet.” Twilight placed the now empty cup on the table. “I haven't found anything anywhere that explains what happened to Sweetie Belle. But I keep having this feeling that her magic seems very familiar.”
“That's strange...” Rarity put her head on her forehooves on the table. “But what I want to know is why it is happening to my poor little sister.”
“I'm not sure, Rarity. But I will keep doing my best to find out what is going on.” Twilight said as she stood up. “But don't worry. just take care of Sweetie Belle and leave to me the rest.”
“Thanks Twilight.” Rarity also stood up. “And thanks for keeping it just between us and Applejack.”
“No problem, that's what friends do.”
“You're a great friend, Twilight.” Rarity went with Twilight to the door.
Twilight was about to leave when Sweetie Belle approached. “Twilight, wait!” she said.
Twilight stopped and turned, waiting to hear what the little filly needed to say.
“Twilight, I...” Sweetie Belle looked down searching for the words with which to begin. She lifted her head and continued with more certainty. “I want to thank you for stopping me.”
“That's not necessary–”
“Yes it is!” Said Sweetie Belle interrupting Twilight, “If not for you, who knows what would have happened. And I know you're doing your best to help me, so I will do my best and try to prevent something like that happening again.”
Twilight smiled. “I know you will. And do not forget you're not alone, you have a great sister by your side and many friends.” She turned and walked out of the boutique.
Sweetie Belle smiled, turned around and ran toward Rarity's work table. “Let’s make lots of dresses, sis!”
The two spent the rest of the day happily designing and making dresses. Not all were very nice but that wasn't important. What really mattered was that they were having fun and that Sweetie Belle was happy.
“Sweetie, look out!” Sweetie Belle quickly bent down. The pan on the stove exploded filling the kitchen with smoke and scattering pieces of pancake everywhere.
When the smoke cleared Rarity approached. “Are you –cough– okay, dear?” Rarity said while choking on the smoke.
“Yes –cough– I only fill –cough– with smoke, that's all.”
Rarity walked over to the kitchen and watched the pan. “How is it possible that the pancake exploded?”
“I don't think I'll get a kitchen Cutiemark after all.” Sweetie Belle sighed as she shook the dust from her coat, “Maybe if I try again this time I'll succeed!”
“No!” Rarity shouted quickly. Obviously the idea of leaving cooking to Sweetie Belle wasn't the best. “I mean, let me prepare the breakfast or you'll be late for school.”
“Okay, then I clean.” Sweetie Belle walked toward the broom that was leaning on the wall and stopped in front of it. “Maybe if I...”
Sweetie Belle closed her eyes and focused on the broom. For a few seconds nothing happened until and a small green glow began to appear on her horn.
“Sweetie Belle?” Rarity turned and watched what her little sister was doing. “What are y–?”
Suddenly a green glow appeared in the center of the broomstick and it broke in two pieces with a small explosion, burying one piece in the wall right next to Rarity.
Sweetie Belle gasped in alarm, closed her eyes and lowered her head. After a few seconds she opened her eyes and looked at Rarity who was gaping at the broomstick embedded into the wall not far from her head. “Sorry! Just wanted to lift it.”
“It's fine, dear.” Rarity forced a smile, but her eye twitched crazily. The wooden shard was mere inches from becoming a second horn. “But to lift you have to focus on the entire object, not on a single point.” She used her magic to pry the broomstick piece from the wall.
“Oooh, I get it. Let me try again!” Sweetie Belle closed her eyes and prepared to try again.
“Wait!” Rarity interrupted Sweetie Belle's concentration. “Why don't you draw something? You can use all the gems you want.”
“Okay.” Sweetie Belle pranced out of the kitchen smiling.
“No magic!”
“Aaaaw... Fine!” Sweetie Belle groaned from the main room.
Rarity grabbed a towel and cleaned the kitchen a bit before preparing breakfast. “I'm glad she is back to normal, but does she have to make such a mess?”
She put the towel aside and started making toast. While cooking she look to the side and saw the piece of broomstick. “She managed to cut it in half without any difficulty. That sort of precision should be much too complicated for an untrained filly who is just discovering magic,” she muttered to herself.
She finished preparing the toast and placed them on a plate on the table. Maybe I should ask Twilight to teach her magic. Mmm... But she is now busy being a princess, Rarity thought.
“Sis, look!” Sweetie Belle came running into the kitchen holding a drawing in the air with a green glow.
Rarity looked up at the picture of a pony in the sheet. It looked like it was drawn quickly and wasn't even colored. Seems like she didn't put much effort into the drawing.
“How beautiful Sweetie, but you didn't use any gem, I told you... Wait! You're levitating the sheet? I thought I told you to draw without using magic.”
“But I didn't use magic to draw.” Sweetie Belle moved the sheet in the air, showing off her levitation skills. “Isn't this great!?”
“That's... pretty amazing, Sweetie. Now, let's eat or you'll be late to school.” Rarity approached the table and took a seat. Sweetie Belle did the same.
The two ate quietly. After finishing Sweetie Belle helped Rarity wash the dishes and take out the trash. There were no more explosions but she used every opportunity to practice her developing magic.
“I'm going to school,” said Sweetie Belle from the main room. “I've got to apologize to Miss Cheerilee and also to Applebloom.”
“Wait, Sweetie!” said Rarity preventing Sweetie Belle from leaving the boutique. “There's something you need to know... about Applebloom... she's not going to go to school today.”
Sweetie Belle stopped and walked toward Rarity. “How can she not go to school?”
Rarity closed her eyes, took a deep breath and continued, “She can't go to school because she was in a delicate state... she is recovering at home.”
“What?” Sweetie Belle took several steps backward “Wait! Don’t tell me that...”
“Calm down, dear. She's better now. You don't have to worry.”
“It was my fault, right? I did that to Applebloom, right?” Sweetie Belle dropped to the ground.
“Don't be sad.” Rarity walked to Sweetie Belle. “I tell you, you've nothing to worry. She's fine and is getting better at home.”
Sweetie Belle looked down at the ground and stayed that way for several seconds.
“Come on darling, you have to cheer up.” Rarity used one hoof to lift Sweetie Belle's face. “How about if after you leave school we go to Sweet Apple Acres. I'm sure she'll be happy if we go visit.”
Sweetie Belle nodded and stood. “You're right, I have to apologize. But first I have to go to school and apologize to Miss Cheerilee.”
“That's my sister, hurry or you'll be late.”
“Oh, right!” Sweetie Belle ran out the door and headed for school.
Rarity walked to her work table, grabbed some fabric and started working. After several minutes she stopped and looked toward the door. “Maybe I should go to Sweet Apple Acres to tell Applejack that we'll be coming over once Sweetie Belle finishes school.” She grabbed her bag, closed the boutique and headed towards Sweet Apple Acres.
On the way to school Sweetie Belle took her time and walked slowly, thinking about what she would say to apologize to her teacher. She also thought about how she was going to apologize to Applebloom. She was afraid that Applebloom hated her and that she would lose one of her best friends.
“No! Don't think about it Sweetie Belle!” she shouted to herself as she walked. “I'll apologize and everything will return to normal. She's my friend and I'm sure she would forgive me. Right?”
Sweetie Belle walked slowly towards the school, but couldn't take her mind off the thought that Applebloom hated her. She was so lost in her thoughts that she wasn't paying attention to where she was walking. She bumped into something and fell to the ground. Standing up she realized that there were three colts standing in front of her.
“Look what we have here! It's Sweetie Belle, we thought you weren't coming back,” said the colt standing on the far left.
“Um... Hey guys, how are y–”
“Shut up monster!” shouted the unicorn that was in the middle of the three. Sweetie Belle shuddered at the shout.
The unicorn stepped forward and pushed Sweetie Belle. “We saw what you did to Applebloom and we don't want you to go back to school.” An orange glow appeared on his horn. With a flash he pushed back Sweetie Belle and she fell to the ground.
Sweetie Belle stood. ‘They hate you!’ a dark voice echoed in her head.
“You're a monster, so we'll make sure you don't come back to hurt anypony else.” Again an orange glow appeared, pushing Sweetie Belle again towards the ground.
“Please don't.” Sweetie Belle tried to stand up, but he refused to relinquish his magical hold on her. ‘Destroy them!’
“Stay away and never come back.” This time the unicorn didn't use his magic, just ran and pushed Sweetie Belle with his own body.
Sweetie Belle stood up again, but this time her legs trembled. “Please stop, I don't want to hurt anypony.” She closed her eyes and a tear fell down her cheek to the ground. ‘They hate you. Are you going to let them treat you like that?’
“Just disappear, monst–”
“Shut up!” A wave of magic left from Sweetie Belle's horn hitting the three foals abruptly. “I will not allow you to treat me like a fool!”
Sweetie Belle lifted the unicorn off of the ground with her magic and strongly pressed him against a wall. The other colts tried to run. One managed to escape, but the other fell to the ground and was caught by Sweetie Belle's magic.
“Stop it... please.” Begged the unicorn while he was being pressed against the wall. The fear could be seen in his eyes, and he wished he had not bothered her.
A grim smile appeared on Sweetie Belle face. “Oh, now you want me to stop? But the fun is just beginning.”
“Luna!” Princess Celestia quickly ran up the stairs of Canterlot Castle and entered Luna's room. “Sister…”
“I know…” Princess Luna was sitting on the balcony looking out, she wasn't looking at anything in specifically, just looking out. She stood up and walked through the room to her sister. “I know. Things aren't good, I can feel it. I can't let that happen to anypony again.”
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I had a feeling that this will be about Sweetie Belle expressing her magical talent in a... socially unacceptable way, to say the least, but until the very last paragraph I wasn't sure what exactly was going on. Now I think I know, and it scares me - I hope that she'll find a right teacher (but not the one saying that the dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be…unnatural) - would love to read more!
Also, I lol'd at the exploding pancake idea!
The concept is intriguing enough, especially with the last part with Celestia and Luna.
However, I think you could greatly benefit from an editor or two. Your conversations sound very awkward and out of character, and you have quite a few grammatical errors (though they still convey the appropriate meaning).
Interesting enough to warrant a watch.
2813440 Pretty good idea indeed. I have to agree with Excelsior on this one. It's funny, I think Excelsior has said the same thing about one or two of my own stories if I'm not mistaken. Sounds like a very interesting idea, I can really put myself in the scenes but the dialogue is a tad rusty. That's what I would work on first, dialogue, how each character speaks needs to be a little bit more in character.
Very good story though, I don't happen to have any prereaders or editors either
. I have to do a lot of my own editing myself and I still miss a lot of things. Don't fret though, this is your story and it's looking good! Keep it up!
2811884 I'm glad you like it. I didn't expect to scare anyone with this but I welcome the feeling
, I don't even know what's going to happen with Sweetie Belle. 
2813440>>2813957 Thanks for the observation
, I will try to work on the dialogues to improve. I'm still new at writing and I'm not sure how the prereaders or editors works. 
2814217
There are groups on fimfiction where you can ask for help.
2813957
Hm... I just looked over your story list and I think you have me mixed up with somebody else; I haven't read any of yours.
2814246 I would like to know some of these groups. I already have time here but this is my first published story, I would love to know any way to improve my writing.
2814445
Not having time for writing myself, I haven't actually sought out any groups; I have only seen them mentioned in comments. However, you can browse or search groups in
http://www.fimfiction.net/manage_users/groups
I would try some keyword searches such as "proofread" or "editor"
I think "authors helping authors" might be one also.
Well, I like to keep an eye on any Sweetie Belle story that comes out and read it when I have the chance, and of course leave a comment with a small bit of critique.
It seems some others beat me to the punch with pointing out the grammar issues particularly in the dialogue. And the problems are numerous and sprinkled throughout the whole chapter quite evenly. As for the story itself, aside from a few Out of Character bits, the premise is quite intriguing. I'd like to see the magic system explored a bit more (it's kind of one of my favourite topics to explore in fanfics)
I suggest that you reread your story out loud. It does wonders to catch some of the really blatant mistakes. Once you go over it again, if you haven't received any other offers of other editors, I'd recommend copying the whole first chapter over into a googledoc and then shoot me a PM if you would like. I am quite willing to do a markup of your work, and googledocs is probably the best system to do that in. (just FYI: by markup, I mean that I would highlight all the mistakes, and parts that I think could be improved upon, and suggest how to fix them. But of course, I'd leave it up to you to make those changes.) So just shoot me a PM if you feel like it, but keep in mind, I do like to work with authors that have a drive to improve and are willing to fix their work.
In any case, thanks for writing,
~SilentBelle
I want a story about your OC myself....
... Is the summary a Mandopony reference? Just asking.
2843930
. I had planned to write a story with my oc but as a secondary character. 
Oh, thanks. I didnt expect that someone asked that
2843932
Mmm... I don't think. But I like mandopony and I've heard many of his songs, maybe I take some inspiration from him.
2844013
Heh. Maybe. Sounded like lyrics to some of his songs, tis all. I added your story, so I will read it when I can. I always am sure to check out stories when someone posts em up.
Hi the concept is good, the whole unexpected darkside now a cheerful pony with her whole life ahead her has to deal with it...
You got a good start, but....
Well Rarity starts talking like a foal in some places and Sweetie bell is sounding more mature than she should and in other places she talks like the young pony she is, you are losing consistentcy. Plus Rarity isn't acting or talking like she does in the show, there's no flamboyancy no dramatics; this is not a middle ground pony, "the whole world's a show" is more her motto. Even when she was jealous and didn't want to show how worried she was in "Green with Envy" she was flamboyant (if only in her dress) in her hesitant apology to Fluttershy.
I recomend a good editor to catch these things, as you seem like a new writer. Just someone to iron out the wrinkles and tell you when the ponies are not using verbage to indicate the right age.
2813440>>2811884>>2813957>>2844979
It took some time, but finally the first chapter is corrected.
Go ahead! Read it. The plot is the same, but some small details changed and now (I hope) is much better.
The second chapter will be ready soon.
Now we'll know what happened to Sweetie Belle
This story is well-written. I like the concept of the idea, and the ending kind of gave away a little information *cough*Nightmare Belle*cough*, but that's still a cool idea.
I did notice a couple of things. One, these:
and
I don't mean to sound picky, but I wish you said, instead of coughing in between what they said, you would say, "Yes, I...only fill.....with smoke, that's all," she said in between fits of coughing. I'm not saying you couldn't have done what you've done, but I wish you did that.
Also,
and
We already know she's headed to school. If you could change it, I would appreciate it a lot.
Other than that, it was a good read, and you have earned my favorite and like!
(P.S. Exploding pancakes made by Sweetie Belle? Good call!
)
2895433
I'm glad you like it.
About the "cough" I like it this way, but it's good to know the different views of the other people. That's something I'll have in mind when I write.
And thank you so much for the favorite.That makes me happy.
Interesting...
Two things about this. First, you do this tense switching kind of often, so make sure to try and stick with one tense. For example, "Sweetie Belle seemed to calm down and she stopped sobbing." Second, these two sentences probably could be combined either with a comma between them or by taking out "although" and placing a semicolon.
At first, I was like, "Green magic?! Changeling- no, wait, that doesn't work." Then I was like, "Implied loss of control? Nightmare Forces. We've got a freaking Nightmare Sweetie Belle brewing, don't we?"
I shall find out. Onward to the next chapter.
Color me intrigued. I'm curious to see what's causing it, as well as see what happened to Applebloom.