Chapter 5
Twilight woke up.
She knew at once that something was wrong. She was dizzy, disoriented, her throat felt raw, and when she tried to stretch her wings, she found them bound. She had no idea where she was or how she came to be there, but as her senses slowly cleared, she became aware of another pony. There were legs around her, holding her, somepony gently supporting her head and keeping her close. She flicked her eyes open, and saw a tan coat, three apples adorning the pony’s flank.
“Applejack?” she asked weakly, lifting her head. Applejack’s face was streaked with tears, her eyes red, and Twilight reflexively reached up to her friend. “Applejack, what’s—” Abruptly, her motion came to a stop, the chains around Twilight’s ankle going taut. She looked down sharply, quickly taking in her restraints. “Applejack? What’s happening?” she asked, the tension building in her voice.
“Don’t you worry none, sugarcube,” Applejack said, her voice rough and scratchy. “Ah called for the others and Princess Celestia. They’ll be down here in a jiffy ta get you out of those chains. But uh...” She sniffed loudly, reaching up to rub her eyes clear. “Would you mind answering a question for me real quick first?”
“Uh... okay,” Twilight agreed, but her voice remained stiff. “But what’s happening? Did I do something wrong? I didn’t lose control of my powers, did I? Is the Princess—”
“No, Twilight. Calm down,” Applejack said, “Jus’... tell me. What’s the last thing you remember?”
“Uh... I was in Canterlot, on my way to see an old teacher, Tick Tock. He taught me enchanting,” she said, peering closely at Applejack. “Then I was here. Applejack, have you been crying?”
“Nah,” Applejack said, sniffling and shaking her head. “Just glad to have ya back, sugarcube.”
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Daisy... Daisy...
So so disturbing. Stealing one's life because you're afraid to die? I think I've heard of that one before, just not in this format. Still an enjoyable read, even if we still left with so many unresolved issues for the ponies.
I liked this story. Perhaps not enough to save it to my flash drive, but definitely a thumbs-up.
It's got good prose, a spooky premise, a mysterious build-up which is even better in retrospect, and nice bittersweet ending. It's pretty much all I could want in this type of short story.
And I've always been a sucker for stories with the "We Are As Mayflies" theme.
EDIT: Aw, what the hell, to the flash drive with thee.
It was captivating enough I wish the story would've gone more in depth. I'd have liked to see the interaction with Celestia, and more about Rainbow Dash's perspective
Holy bleeping bleepity bleep, that's dark.
I think that what is left unsaid is as chilling as the foreground text.
After a certain point it hits home that no one is really going to be recovering from this.
That is dark. And...complicated. There are, after all, no true...villains, in a way. Things that are wrong, for certain, but...
This.... this develops in an amazing way---Applejack is really underappreciated as a POV---and by the time you understand all that's happened... it's sickening. This fic doesn't just pull you in from the beginning. It doesn't doesn't let go either.
You are REALLY good at stories like this, and for all this ending has a "positive" outcome, it's easy to feel as wracked by the plot---and it's lack of an absolute "villain" (or an absolute moral)---as its characters are.
I know I said I was really looking forward to more IFIWT, but this was an unexpected and TOTALLY quality fic all on its own.
2794138
We are robbed of certainty and closure as much as they are.
2791425
Give me your answer, do...
2791622
I mostly wrote this as a break from the two sprawling epics I'm currently working on, so I wanted to keep it nice and self-contained. Besides, leave something to the imagination.
2791980
See the above. Plus, hey, gotta have something for the sequel.
2793499
No, Tick Tock is pretty much the villain. A sympathetic villian, one who maybe isn't evil per-se, but stealing Twi-Twi's body does pretty much make him the antagonist.
In the first draft, the entire story was written from his/her POV, but it got sickeningly hard to write at the point where Tick Tock was dating RD. Poor RD.
2794138
Aww. Thank you!
For the record, the next chapter of IFIWT will be drafted this week, and will probably need a week after that to be fully edited.
2795466
We've heard that one before!
2796178
Yeah, but this time I'm only lying a little bit.
So... so...
I...
Excellent story. It has a strong theme, and it doesn't just coast on it. It improves it. All the pieces come together for a memorable conclusion. The characters are all more complex than they first appear. Words aren't wasted in the setup, and every scene is a vivid picture with its own significance.
If you've started reading and are worried the story seems directionless, keep going. You're missing out on something important if you stop. There's a lot of subtle points in the conclusion that perhaps not everyone will notice at first, but it hit home with me.
Maybe now's a good time to let you know that you're currently my favorite author.
Brilliant name choice, by the way.
2799635
Yes.
2815937
Thank you! means a lot to me.
2820575
I, uh, er...
Thank you.
Alternate rejected title? Stealing Sunshine.
2822259
Tick Tock's name*
2822939
Heey, you deleted that awesome comment!
Well, I liked it, and I'm glad your friend liked it.
2826285
Wow, thanks!
2826873
I've read some embarassing things on this account.
I can't have that guy putting one and zero together to find out who this is
A great story, chilling and sad on a level that touches my heart. I've always been vary empathetic, and when you see a person slipping into the void, cold and naked to deaths inevitable offing, even if you don't love or even like them, you will feel for them, not pity, but empathy. They are desperate, cold and alone in the dark, trying to hold onto anything, not wanting to die and be forgotten. And if you loved them, and had been wronged by them, then there are so many kinds of pain fighting over each other in your heart for the chance to hurt you.
Sorry, I talk to much. Please do try to give IFIWT a happy ending, I've been reading far more sad endings then is healthy for me.
Is there anymore? Or is this it?
I really like it, and would appreciate some more explaining………
2834790
That's it - for now.
What confused you?
2840878
I think i just want to know what happens afterwards
2840899
I know you would.
2842206
So your saying there is a sequel?…………
2842341
it is on the list.
2842411
Woah... This was... something for sure
That was really, really good! Heck, I'd like to see a lot more. Sequel! Excerpts from the 2 years! RD's perspective through the story! Everything!
Ouch... That was...
I'm not sure how to say it.
That was definitely an interesting read, Good premise, good writing.
The opening was pretty confusing, though, like I'd walked in five minutes after you'd started telling the story and there were bits I didn't get.
Still, good work.
3189607
Aww, thank you! I do understand your concerns -- it was a bit of an experiment -- but I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Also, the other stuff is coming along. Promise.
3200549
That was the idea! I'm glad you appreciate it.
There were a lot of little ways I feel I could have rendered him better, but at the core, I really like this story. I'm glad you do too!
Well. After scrounging around for a few minutes, I think I finally found the right word to describe this story: Haunting. In the best possible sense of the word.
In the interest of keeping things short, I'll just list off a few of my thoughts.
This was possibly the best example I've seen of a tragic hero (even if he wasn't the POV character) on this site. I loved how little of the background was spelled out for us; I had to think carefully and piece together what I knew in order to figure out what was going on. The way the plain, ordinary flow of the story contrasted with the horrifying subject material was brilliant, and made reading it that much more unnerving. And that last chapter, all 300-odd words of it... Damn.
Simply put, this story was good.
Mother of Celestia.....
Even before the dungeon scene I couldn't help but feel sorry for Tick Tock. I'm only 25 myself but the thought has been plaguing me lately of what kind of legacy I'm going to leave behind. I really connected with him on a deep level and the fact that I've failed people that were important to me as well as been failed by people puts me in a situation where I can understand every characters emotions much more deeply than I really care to. I cant help but dwell on Dashie's feelings in all of this. Shes alot like me, I would rather deal with things on my own and in my own time. If I come to a friend with a problem its because I've found myself in something serious. How will she and Twilight's relationship be affected by this? How can she look at Twilight as just her friend again afterwards? I couldn't see myself not resenting Twilight afterwards even if it wasn't something she could have had any control over. I guess I'll cut this short but in closing I'd just like to thank you for writing this piece. It's given me alot to think about. As someone else said, I think the best word to describe this story is "haunting"..
Ohhhhh man.
The foreshadowing without giving it away dude!
And dropping it like that in the later chapters, so casually but we actually got the blanks filled in and...damn.
Have you had any thoughts on RD and TS's first interaction once she's awake again?
Also I'd like to make comment on how much I like your writing style. Your pacing is slow but steady and gives just enough for direction while letting out minds fill in the rest.
3214146
No, he's entirely an OC.
3212148
Wow, thank you! This was a bit of an experiment for me, so I wasn't really sure how it would turn out. If you enjoy [Dark] fics, you might like my other story, Siren Song. Otherwise, I look forward to unnerving you in the future!
3212926
Thank you kindly sir. I am considering writing a sequel where we get to see how Twilight and Dashie deal with each-other after, but, perhaps not. Some things are better left imagined.
3213615
That word. "Nice." I do not think it means what you think it means.
3213774
3213777
That's really good to hear! This was an experiment in a different writing style for me, so I'm glad it worked well. And yes, I actually have plans for a full sequel where we get to see Twi/RD's relationship. I may not write it though -- I feel like it might be better left to the reader's imagination.
3214146
Nope! OC.
This was a beautiful story, and one of the best ways I could imagine spending the evening.
The feels... the feels...
3216090
Give me your tears.
This... is a masterpiece. There is nothing I can say, nothing I can add to the beauty you have created. No compliments I can pay but my tears and admiration. And you have them both. Godspeed, sir, godspeed.
3215852
English isn't my native language, so I can't really write deep and complex story analysis. Because of this, I usually keep my comments short. I didn't mean anything bad with that comment, but I'll remove it.
I do indeed see Tick-Tock as a pure villain.
In real life, many of those who do evil believe they have adequate justification. But consider it this way: had he strapped Twilight down and cut out one of her kidneys to save himself, would we be so sympathetic?
Put into a real-world context, his actions aren't so ambiguous any longer, eh?
What I enjoyed most about this story is that you put the reader in the same position as Applejack. This story, and indeed its central conceit surrounding the journal, is about trying to understand Tick Tock's character. Applejack, more so than most of the other characters, seems unsure about how she should feel about Tick Tock. The fact that you leave your readers in the dark about what exactly happened between Tick Tock and the Mane Six helps put us in Applejack's shoes, feeling her confusion and her desire to get into Tick Tock's mind. That tension of not knowing and not understanding really helps drive the story forward.
Along those lines, the writing and especially the pacing were excellent. In a story like this, built around a central mystery, pacing is particularly important so that you do not lose your readers. If I had to point out one flaw with the story, however, I would say that the ending (i.e. the last chapter) is rather weak. Most of what happens in chapter five is what we expect to happen: As was stated in chapter four, after Tick Tock dies, Twilight reawakens. The only really new and interesting thing that the reader learns from chapter five is Applejack's reaction to Twilight's reawakening. Yet her reaction felt incongruent with the story's mood to that point. For a dark, brooding story dealing with issues that will likely haunt the characters for the rest of their lives, the ending is rather hopeful. I think I would have rather the story end at chapter four or at least leave emotional tone of the ending a bit more ambiguous (for example, Applejack is obviously sad at Tick Tock's passing. Perhaps if ended more on a note of mourning "Twilight, a friend of mine passed away today" rather than her hopeful note, the ending may have sat better with me).
Despite my issues with the ending, I really enjoyed the story. It's difficult to pull off a story like this, and your execution was near flawless. Great job.
3218053
Guuuys. Stoppit. You're making me blush.
3218493
No no! I did not take it as anything bad.
3218791
He can be purely villainous while still being sympathetic. The point of this story was to make the reader sympathize with a character who was Evil with a capital E. The first draft of the story was actually written from Tick Tock's point of view, but I had to change that because I felt dirty making the villain /that/ sympathetic, particularly in the scenes where he's romancing RD.
3229936 I'm never sympathetic to villains whose actions are clearly violations of my internal judgement system.
THOSE WHO VIOLATE THE LAW ARE TO BE DELETED!!!
3221587
Woo, big comment! First off, as always, thank you for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
That's good to hear! It's also amusing, because the point of this story when I wrote it was: "Let's see if I can get the reader to sympathize and root for the villain whose actions are outright evil." The first version was written from Tick Tock's point of view, but I turned away from that when I started getting uncomfortable with scenes like him flirting with RD. I really didn't feel okay trying to sympathize that level of emotional abuse as "the good guy." Writing it from AJ's point of view let's me explore the same character, while the narrator still makes it clear that This Is Not Okay.
Actually, the ending was meant to hint at that. It obviously didn't come across quite the way I'd hoped, but for Applejack, it was supposed to be bittersweet. She recovered a friend, she lost a friend, and while she may say she's glad to have Twilight back, that's not wholly sincere. The tagline for the story "Sometimes it doesn't get better," applies to AJ as much as to Twilight and Tick Tock. No matter how this story ends, one of her friends must die.
Thank you sir! If you like dark character pieces, you might enjoy my other story, Siren Song. It's got a lot of the same things going for it.
3229977
It's okay. Surrender to the emotional manipulation. Let the feels happen.