• Member Since 29th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 16th, 2013

TheHiveQueen


World domination, one world at a time.

T

Meet Derek.
Hello there Derek.

Derek can see bright, multicoloured horses. Nobody else can. The creatures can't see him either. What is going on?



Currently rated Teen for some darker humour and moderate themes. Hiatus is over! Grammar check (for first 3 chapters) finally done! All feedback appreciated.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 63 )

Nice story, I hope that there's more to come. :pinkiehappy:

And you wrote house instead of horse in the beginning somewhere.... unless that was supposed to.

2606478 Glad you liked it. Also thanks for spotting the typo. Now fixed :)

2606605 no problem. Happy to help :pinkiehappy:

NO YOU IDIOT DONT GIVE UP, I THINK YOUR WORLD EFFECTS IT SO YOU CAN TRY TO USE THAT TO CONTACT HER:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

Well this is interesting. I look forward to seeing more. :moustache:

Not to try to sound racist or stereotypical or anything, but are you British because you seem to use words I don't know like "mates" for example.
(If this sounds stupid, I spend about a minute each day in the real world outside, and that is just to retrieve the mail)

Beautiful. I'll inform you of any typos and errors I find but in the mean time have fun.

This story is really good keep up the work bro /)

Wow, great story! Looking forward to seeing more!

Jolly good show, I wish to see more from you soon. Good day to you
.

I took one look at this before even reading it, and immediately dismissed it as driveling crap.
I would like to take a moment to formally apologize for that.

On the whole, not too bad. My only two real complaints are as follows.

1. Very vague. We, as an audience, have next to no real idea who Derek is or what he is like, from this single chapter.
2. There's just the one chapter. I feel it necessary to urge you to continue writing. Go somewhere with this.

2607476 I am British but I used those terms deliberately to make it feel more naturally like a teenage 'gang' of this era. Mates just means friends I guess.

2607900 Thanks for giving it a chance :) I will gradually reveal more of his appearance over time. Also I wrote this right after exam stress so that's why there's only one chapter. I will write more but not sure when I'll have the time with these exams.

It brings me pleasure to know that both further chapters will be released, and that I am not an irredeemable asshat.
AND THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR FICTION, SCHEDULE BE DAMNED.:flutterrage:

You should describe things more: the surroundings, derek, his parents and schoolfriends, etc.
Flesh it out a bit more. Also it feels like every second sentence has the word "Derek" in it. If you use more pronouns like "he", sentences like "Derek didn't know the answer." woudn't seem so impersonal.
It's nice to see his thoughts in italics, makes him more relateable. :pinkiesmile:

2610661 Thanks for the advice. I've taken it on board and will address it in the next chapter.

Okay so MLP:FIM exist in this world huh? It's an interesting beginning that show the premise of the story and after this chapter is now will decide how will your story go from there.

This is getting good. Keep going. :twilightsmile:

Likin' it so far. Rather slow, but kind of interesting. More Please? :fluttercry:

I'm reading the ending and all I'm thinking is: WRITE YOU FOOL SHE CAN SEE THE PAPER!

2634982 I might be thinking the same thing :)

2636421 Whoa, dude! Calm down!

2637039 Oh shit. You and I have the exact same story title with similar pictures. WAT DO. :derpytongue2:

2644063 Ah damn it I didn't see. Well, yours came first so if you want I can change the title or something.

2646477 Naw it's fine, keep the title. All I ask is new names for my story. :twilightsmile: MSG me. Check out my story...if that's okay I mean...:fluttershyouch:

2634982 I was yelling that at my freakin phone

Oh god. They Live ponified.

val

IM STILL HERE :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:
glad your back though :scootangel::scootangel::scootangel:

You sir, are the only person to update a story on my "favorites" list in
3-7 months.
Congratulations.

2865152 Haha thanks. Next bit may be a while again. Computer destroyed (lost all my notes) and I'm away :/ Hopefully my trusty tablet can do the trick when I return.

I can sorta understand how dreadful such a question might be... then again, didn't this get covered by some kid saying he could see dead people?

If this was a scifi-ish story, I'd say the ponies were slightly out of phase or some rubbish like that. Not quite the horror you'd find in Langoleers but still creepy enough for the ponies with inanimate objects moving all around because the humans are insubstantial.

2866253 Yeah the last bit isn't set in stone anyway. Just an interesting aside that could come into play. It might be a constant fear that they can't disprove throughout or something like that. Or it could be true to some extent...
You'll just have to wait and see.

I can't say too much but I've definitely thought about the out of phase thing. Also remember this story doesn't have the Dark tag...
But that could change... Hehe

Interesting story. :moustache:

Man, I love this story. But why must updates take so long?!
This is honestly one of the best ideas I've seen explored in a story here. Seriously, I'm being completely truthful. :ajsmug:
It's unfortunate about your laptop dying, losing all your work. I hope you can get back on track soon though. I really would like to see this story get fleshed out.

2892373 Well that just made my day :heart:

But yeah, don't worry I fixed that laptop issue :pinkiehappy: Basically, I hadn't really thought the plot through (still haven't fully :/) so I kind of got stuck. It was intended to be a sad oneshot but then I realised that I suck at Sadfics. I then altered it and just submitted it without thinking ahead to what would happen next. I also said I was going to fix grammar but I just delayed that to a point where I just couldn't be bothered (I will someday I swear!). The problem is that I'm always having new ideas and my interest usually flicks between things. It should hopefully be updated more frequently now things are back on track. I'm about to update my other story and this is next in line me thinks.

I am awaiting more chapters with eagerness.

This story is very good so far.

PLEASE READ. I have finally decided to go over the chapters so far. New one will be out soon but the previous three have quite bad grammar. The first I've fixed to the best of my ability so it runs/looks better. The other two will have the same treatment soon enough. Soz for how appalling it read the first time around :twilightblush:

Getting pretty good... I wonder where our protagonist shall go from here? Jim is taking this pretty well though.
"hey man, i hang out with a magical, invisible, talking unicorn from a show that i've never even heard of."
"Really?"
"yeah, really."
"Alright! Time for ponies!"
Over exaggeration ended.
Anyways, this was a pretty good, if short, chapter. :pinkiehappy: If you take offence from my skepticism, I should probably mention that my high school once had this ridiculously elaborate prank that convinced nearly everyone of a ghost there. Seriously. After that master ruse I've been skeptical about anything that seems paranormal. Twilight's an alien from a different planet / universe / dimension so it counts as paranormal...
Regardless, main point is I like where this is going. :twilightsmile:

2908584 Well that seems... interesting. I'll call you if I need to spruce up my college with a ghost.

And yeah, looking over, it seems a little off. I've added a little more so it seems more realistic.

He doesn't believe him for sure yet. He's more just tagging along and putting a little faith in his friend who is, after all, quite serious about the matter.

And thanks, advice is much appreciated!

I noticed that nobody said anything about this so here goes.
Why can't Twilight see their clothes? It's not like they're attached to us.
Sorry if i'm pointing out a plot hole, it's really bothering me.

2910192 I know what you mean but I really don't know what to say. It's kind of been said so far that it affects what they're directly in contact with but I know that's not always the case. Think of it as an aura surrounding each human cloaking them and a little more around them. It's hard to make sense of it right now but all will be addressed later. Don't let it bother you too much at this stage.

Congratulations on your new episode :twilightsmile:

2910810

I'm waiting for the cliched freakout when she sees meat being prepared, cooked, and eaten with gusto. :rainbowlaugh:

But I'm also glad of the aura. Watching invisible things eat and being able to see that food pass through would be rather... gross. :pinkiesick:

2910810 The whole aura idea doesn't work either, how about...

MAGIC

I liked this one keep it up:twilightsmile:

It was good. I'm just waiting for more.

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