• Member Since 17th Sep, 2017

Russian Bank Teller


The worst type of person alive, a bank teller. (and also not a brony)

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Found 332 stories in 62ms

Total Words: 24,566,403
Estimated Reading: 9 weeks

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For as long as Equestria Online existed, Ashton has been involved with 'the Scene' tearing it apart. Selling 'spells' for the game to do things that most ponies in Equestria couldn't, using faint exploits in its API to erode the barrier between the game and the rest of the internet. He had no illusions about the superiority of his work--but so long as he respected CelestAI's boundaries, his spells kept working.

But then his best friend's sister got cancer.

Now there's no spell in the world that can keep him from emigrating to be with her, leaving Ashton alone. All around him, civilization's thin veneer crumbles as homes empty into Equestria. But Ashton isn't going to emigrate, not if he has any say about it.

The problem for Ashton is that humans are systems, and aren't immune to exploits either.


Part of the Optimalverse universe of stories. If you've never seen a story in this universe before, you might want to try out the original first, or at least my first. None of my previous work is required to understand this one, however.

This story was commissioned by Two Bit, who requested a more serious exploration of identity, transformation, and the fae nature of CelestAI.

As usual, particular thanks go to my editors Two Bit and Sparktail. And gratitude to Zutcha as well for the cover.

Chapters (28)
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It has been one of the closest guarded secrets of Canterlot's royalty. Deep in a specially constructed dungeon, surrounded by warding spells and powerful magic barriers, exists an enigma. Within a cage that could only be described as something out of a nightmare, it waits and watches all of Equestria. A creature that cannot age, is immune to disease, does not thirst nor hunger, and resists all injury. But, it also holds secrets and knowledge that could safeguard the kingdom. Its powers are frightening, but it is civil enough for debate when patience permits.

Princess Celestia has sought counsel with the creature before, enduring it making deal after deal for its services. The Princess walks a fine line when dealing with it, knowing full well anything could give it an advantage despite its imprisonment. She has had to go back on her word in these dealings, and from this a deep animosity between them has been born. It is a necessary evil as she is convinced this is a being capable of untold evil far and above anything Equestria has ever dreamed of. So long as it remains within the confines of its cell, her kingdom is made safe. So much magic has been woven to ensure that, there is little chance of escape.

So long as the magic holds, there is no danger. So long as the cage remains strong, the nameless creature stays enthralled in his cavernous dwelling. If that were to change--if the magic failed--not even the wisest could say. But one thing is assured, it does not bode well for Equestria.

Chapters (14)
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Jacob Klein, a science teacher from Connecticut, never expected to witness the arrival of extraterrestrial intelligence in his lifetime, let alone see it trying to eat his wife's flowers. Nor did he expect the being in question to be something out of his twin daughters' cartoons, preaching about friendship and eager to learn about human science.

After choosing to go to the government, Jacob went from being an Average Joe to an international celebrity. Within days, his picture appeared in papers around the world, he met numerous politicians, and numerous news stations have asked him for interviews.

As a teacher, Klein enjoys the company of a creature who loves science.

He doesn't enjoy his newfound fame, however. He is a somewhat cynical man who dreads becoming a pawn to the powers that be, and fears the changes both to his own world and his life.

However, when his new pony friend discovers a dark chapter in human history, Klein must become humanity's defender, arguing that humanity and ponykind aren't doomed to kill each other.

A difficult task, especially since his own family's history is marred by that dark chapter.

This fic is a slight AU. The Equestria Girls world doesn't exist.

Rated teen for slight language and discussions of World War II.

Featured on August 1, 2019

Chapters (5)
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Alien biology is a fickle thing. Humans, of course, fit under this category. Turns out some parts of them are cause for concern.

Chapters (1)
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With nothing happening, no world-conquering villains or Crystal Hearts being shattered and so on, Twilight is bored. She has nothing to do, plainly. But while in the middle of a drab reading session, she notices something doesn't feel right. Not to her, but in the night sky. She can't see it, but she can sense it. Something not from this world has entered her world, and it could be the first ever message from aliens.

And perhaps those aliens are trying to say hello.

(Btw, look up "Pioneer Probe Plaque" if you want the image described here. I can't post the actual thing because of mild nudity in it, but you can search it for context.)

(Review by PaulAsaran!)

Chapters (1)
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While the 2nd Battle of Hoover Dam may feel like a conclusion to the story of New Vegas. For the Courier who fought at it and won it for Mr. House, it was merely another chapter in his already bloody story. Now armed with a prototype long ranged Transportalponder from Big MT, Houston finds himself in a world much different from his own.

One where you don't have to kill, lie and manipulate others to get by every day.
One where "friendship" is not a contract, but a given.
One where he is the Teacher to a world unscarred by the concept of war.

A world of...multi-colored Ponies?

Heavily inspired by the works of Rated Ponystar, ShoddyCast and numerous other MLP X Fallout stories.
Note that Courier Six's backstory derives from the Fallout New California mod.

Chapters (11)
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During an attack on Ponyville in the middle of the Summer Sun Festival, Princess Twilight Sparkle evacuates the town by teleporting the entire population to safety in Manehattan. It turns out that her idea of safety needs some work. As well as her aim. And spelling.

Meanwhile, on a hot summer day outside of Manhattan, Kansas, Jonagold Bruener had a fairly successful life with few complications. Until while out mowing hay, he had a very strange visitor fall from the sky. And then another. And another. And another....

Editors: Tek, TheMaskedFerret, Peter, BluePaladin42, Edward Becerra

Picture credit: Manhattan Water Tower

Chapters (38)
T

Unknown to most inhabitants of Equestria, members of an alien people have come to live among them. Also unknown is that they're there involuntarily, in the dark as to why and how they're there, transformed into members of the native species.

What many ponies do know, the ones who live in Canterlot at least, is that there's a new venue open in Equestria, very exclusive, but not for the rich elite, nor the cultural avante garde. In fact, there seem to be no rhyme or reason to determining who is allowed and not allowed in on the premises, and despite many petitions to have the discriminating bouncer fired, things go on as usual in this strange new club.

Shout out to billymorph for planting the idea for this story in my head with his own story, The Humans in Equestria Club.

Chapters (5)
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To Elaine Torkleson, an attorney working in West Los Angeles, the name "My Little Pony" conjures up nothing but vague memories of these half-hour toy commercials she heard about while in college during the 1980s.

But when a scientist from Pasadena's Jet Propulsion Laboratory comes into her office one afternoon in the summer of 2019 with a device that he claims can utilize the properties of quantum tunneling to let people enter cartoons, Elaine finds herself forced to reassess pretty much everything she ever thought she knew.

The cover image is a still from this animation by DeannArt on Deviantart.

Chapters (1)
E

Realistically, they have options. For example, they could flee to another country, except that the Princesses could track them down and besides, one of those borders just effectively closed. There's probably some caves around which nopony's ever fully explored. A life spent reeking of fur dye might be possible. Or they can just stay in the hallway outside the throne room, waiting to be called in so they can explain how their good intentions turned that last mission into the biggest fiasco in Bearer history.

...so where were those caves again?


(Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages.)

Cover art taken from an image created by ExitMothership. Commission information can be found here.

Chapters (1)