My name is Aideen; I know, I know, it's a stupid name for a pony, and if you pronounce it wrongly it even sounds male, but let's not get sidetracked here. I've lived through multiple mental breakdowns and severe physical beatings, but who hasn't in the dear wastelands? I can, however, claim that I'm a unique nutcase; there's something that differentiates me from the regular nutcases out there: The same evil entity that transformed Princess Luna into Nightmare Moon once upon a time wants me to be her new host.
Uhm... fun stuff...
Rated teen for gore
original story by the one and only Kkat
Chapters (26)
Turing the war
You mean during perhaps?
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head -> wall
yeah, highly likely I meant "during"
I am available as an editor and prereader. To be honest I have no prior experience but am somewhat of a grammar nazi and read a ridiculous amount
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I sure hope I can deliver, it's my first fanfic after all. Rest assured I'll do my best.
Well I like it so far!
Keep cranking those chapters out and I'll keep reading them!
I like how you did your little twist of the 'classical' Fallout prologue. It gives a good insight on the narrator themselves (I reckon a self-centered, cynical individual? I've yet to read the following chapters)
Just a thing: you shouldn't have modified the good old "War... War never changes."
It's like Superman's glasses spandex outfit. Not only it never gets old, but people will scream in anger if you dare touch it.
Besides, the ';' kinda make the whole end of the sentence dropped from an helicopter or something. I would suggest something along the lines:
"Our world hadn't changed, for war... war never changes."
Good so far. Nothing much to say.
Oh, yeah, one thing: if you aren't going to be much more graphic about sex, the "sex" tag is unnecessary. It's mostly for clopfics and very graphic scenes.
"Nightmare Moon's armor"
(Forgot a ')
Well, you were looking for feedback, but there's very little to say. It's very good overall.
"When there was piece" -> "When there was peace"
I don't get it - Craft now "owns" Aideen, but she never bought her, right? If she did, that meant they returned to the caravan, but there's no way nopony asked what happened to the rest of the party.
Hence, it means Craft "stole" her - and somehow I doubt Aideen is just going to go along with that, since she could very well murder her in her sleep and get the hell out of there.
Otherwise, Craft is hilarious.
"and the the tickets" -> "and the tickets"
... oh, and add "totally psycho" to the list of Craft's traits.
She really is a very interesting character, to say the least. Scratch what I wrote earlier: I can understand why Aideen feels obliged to follow her.
You just should tell it a bit earlier, right after the part Craft says she now "owns" Aideen.
Anyway, I'm sorry but there's not much feedback to give. Your story is quite good so far, and as you said on the forums you're doing a far better job than many writers who post their stories here. Just remember not to say that anymore, even if it's true it makes you look like a presumptuous dick. No offense.
A last thing: your chapters are kinda short. And I LOVE the footnotes.
I'll look forward for the next chapter.
- Gig
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I'm not sure what quote you mean, but believe me when I say I didn't built the story around any character developing thing I found on the internet.
about EC-1101 vs Gaia Prevails: I never thought about that comparison, but oversimplified: "not immediately useful to protagonist, but everyone who knows it wants it, so protagonist feels invoked to protect it." hmm... somewhat, yes
but no, it's something different
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in the prologue she got her PipBuck at her tenth birthday on November 5, 1236, the chapters is Feb 5, 1247; so she turned 20 exactly 3 month ago.
If she would be 16-17 she wouldn't describe them as "teenagers", right? It's still weird for a 20-year old to describe them like that, but considering her old profession, she didn't hasn't interacted with them a lot.
Awesome chapter! I really like where this is going man!
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yeah, tune in next week for "what the hell is going on in this story?"
I'm thinking about changing the name
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I know about that issue whether he should be fertile or not but I don't really care. Grolar bears (grizzly+polar) are fertile too so what the hell
Terrorism implies they use terror as a tool. It's kinda depends on who they are up against. And what propaganda makes of them.
Imagine who the White Rose in Nazi-Germany has been treated, sure: they have never stolen any bombs, but if they would have think about what that would have been implied.
But to be honest: I fucked up. I'll edit it to resistance-group and resistance-fighter
So, Craft is up to something, Aideen and the Memorhedron are now owned by her, and all this because her brother just felt like giving them away?
Whomever Craft works for (if anypony at all...) needs her for something big, which means Craft finding her outside the Gaia Prevails Vault wasn't an accident. I can't wait to see where this goes!
The dialogue is a bit stiff, but feasible.
I would probably read more if I liked Fallout a ton, but I can say it's better than the average FoE spinoff fic, so good job. You could use a bit more contractions to make the dialogue a bit more smoother, but so far it's fine.
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Of course Craft is up to something!
Aideens brother Ailill wanted her back home, he has a much to small role at the moment
I just made his scene for a little background, from the explanation of Stable Eight you might have guessed she has a brother, but I felt like I have to build him in, especially because every other high tier member of the Crimson Company would have had his way with her, and I couldn't let that happen to her, not again. It was planned since a while but I feel like he didn't get enough spotlight.
He will appear again, searching for his cute little sister, as he is now under the impression that she has been sold.
Crimson gave her away, and he didn't just "felt like it",
conspiracy much!
Huh. I can safely say that I personally think this is just as good as KKat's, and will admit you now have my interest from both this and the summary...
...Okay, I'm sold. You've got my upvote. Let's see where this goes.
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Actually I already said Aideen realizes she could have mares too. It's hard writing how the protagonists opinions about something are shifting.
I just really really want to show that Aideen is trying to reinvent herself, and if she can have a little bit lesbian love along the way then you'd better let her or Craft kills you.
slowing down? NEVAH (no chapter this wednesday though)
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best comment ever.
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I totally read Craft like a female James Bond. The job and the end goal is always the most important, but there isn't any reason not to have some fun while you work.
Also, John, I love the way you wrote the fact that everything seems so mundane and normal above the clouds. But yeah, Aideen seems to have taken after Craft, getting a bit of a silver tongue of her own.
One last thing: Mysterious Craft = Best Wasteland Pony.
So what is this? It is REVIEW TIME of course! The moment where Grand Liberian Doomande writes feedback that are longer than the chapter that it goes with, but don´t count on that when we get to the real chapters
I have some mixed feelings about this. It is clear that you know what you are doing, that your wording are fine and have taken inspiration from the games and forms a good atmosphere, but what teller style are you going after? Why I ask this is because it feels like that you both are trying to make a third person all knowing teller, with your first real line, how you are depicting Equestria and ponies as things instead of personalise them from a characters perspective, but yet do you begin in the last sentence of the second segment to personalise the perspective with statements coming from a knowingly character. It is like we go from the history book like teller style, a teller that tries to be as non objective as they can be, just like the intros in the games, and then goes over to the history teacher that continues with that story, but put his personal touch on it. I would really much have enjoyed an non objective intro to a Fo:E story, there are to few of them, to many that already from word one tries to point their view on the things and lore down the readers throats, educating them instead of teaching them if you could say that.
Beside that do I think that it is some rather... imaginative statements that you come with. I can personally not remember that to little territory, space to live on, where any problem, but that it was "only" the gemstones and coal that was the real problem. That the ponies used the megaspells with smiles on their faces is maybe a little bit of an overstatement, but I would say that it comes down to personal interpretation. I can just personally not remember anyone that enjoyed building or using any megaspells, and that there generally where an atmosphere around them that they where build to be a defence of a sort, so dangerous that they would frighten the other side into laying down their arms. And now that we are at sides, where there not only two sides? And not multiple that it somewhat sounds like with the "neighbours" that you use, somewhat making it sound like it where a world war instead of two countries with their smaller allies. But then again, that is maybe just me that are going into to much detail over the use of the word in plural.
A little thing I would point out about your megaspells is that it sound like you are missing the ones that the ponies used, balefire and dark magic was after all what the zebras used, and not the ponies, the ponies where, and will always be, more imaginative than just using the same weapon again and again after all. But we are only seeing this from the Equestrian Wasteland does it sound like, so that could be the explanation on that.
And before I end do I need to ask a little question, why "war never changes?" One of the most tragic things with the original Fo:E story is that it makes the picture of a world going into what could very likely be its first war. Sure the pegasi had a Roman like empire in the days of old, we know that from the Hearts and Hooves episode, but that did not mean that they went to war. It is so tragic that this worlds first world war, or at least one that happens on bigger global scale, kills it. That it takes so many leaps with its technology, medicine and magic, that the world almost reached an utopian setting, but fell so low as it did, being usurped by its own crutches that it used to reach its goal. It is so tragic that all those tools made to do better, to fight diseases, hunger, disability and even to a degree death, made it rot from inside. The world of MLP are so full of love and friendship that it is even materialised, and in its own seek to do better did it hurt all.
One of Kkats biggest themes is after all "the route to hell is paved with good intentions", so why take that away and say that the world always where rotten, that nothing had changed at all, that it was unavoidable what there happened, that all those ponies that knew that they could stop it if they dared to speak up instead of follow the flow don´t have anything to be ashamed over, because after all do war never change. That if superstition and religion didn´t play the role that it did in the zebra culture would the worlds fate still not change, because war never change. That no choices where really important, because war never changes, and the outcome is unavoidable.
"War never changes" are one of the most fitting and thought provoking sayings that are in the games if you ask me, to this day do it still give me chills when I hear it in that intro, I do almost despise myself for being human when I think to much on it. But I ask again, why use that saying in this setting? How does it fit into the world?
And now that I have seen the intros again to remember their wordings, would you not mean that you are a better writer than to copy so much that you do from the intro of Fallout 2? I must say that it do not wake much hope in me to see so big similarities that I almost want to yell copy paste. But it is a first chapter, and those should always get some slack one way or another after all. I do just hope that the real chapters have some original originality in them
Ohh and a little nitpick:
"in the magical land of Equestria... ...there came an era when the ideals of friendship gave way to greed" So far I know is there no rules against this, but it looks rather silly with a double ellipses as you have here.
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I attempted to copy stuff from the original openings and ponify them somewhat, yes.
The Zebra empire had the first strikes. The timeline in the original isn't very clear, but the Equestrians knew the destruction in Equestria when they fired their own megaspells.
maybe smiling that the Zebras get what they deserve, even before your critic I wouldn't have written it like that again,
the war never changes thing... yeah it really doesn't fit, although in my timeline there are some minor wars in medieval Equestria
but, I've told you before too that I'm going to rewrite until chapter one anyway.
everything will be taken into consideration, yes.
and the double "...", they are in different paragraphs with different formatting.
"Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria..." Is exactly how s01e01 started, and how Kkat also decided how to start FoE, this one I'll keep
Well, starting out, that picture isnt particularly eye catching or interesting. I know you might not have too much power over that, but the image needs to be riveting to the point where the reader wants to see how it pertains. Like how past sins had Twilight in a noose or how My little Dashie had a filly rainbow dash looking up at you from a box. Excusing overused examples, the cover art should key the reader in to an interesting part of the story that they want to read about or want to find out about. In the least a cool looking character going about an adventure. We already know the tittle, reading it again as the cover art is a bit bland, but again, I know you might not have much control over this at the moment.
On the description, it really isnt vague enough to be interesting. It also isnt forward enough to really follow properly. Plus, you seem to switch between first and third person, which is a bit confusing in and of itself. You want the title to be vague enough to get the reader to want to enter into your story, but you want to give them enough information to get up to speed on exactly where the story is starting.
The description as it is now sits a bit awkwardly. It gives me a lot of information, which some should stay as a back story not to be mentioned until an appropriate time within the fic, such as him being a slave. A lot of this information muddies up the description to where it isnt quite as interesting.
Something a bit better might look like this:
That isnt perfect, since I made it up on the spot, but something like that would give the reader some more interesting insight into a story they are thinking of reading.
I havent even gotten into the actual story yet. Ill give the first couple chapters a read. Eventually, I promise.
Ye Celestia how is it good to have some time to read again, so no I have not forgotten about this, there have just been a lot of pre-reading around my ears, and now onwards to the REVIEW TIME! Last time many times longer than the chapter, this time half as long!
So... A little question to start it all of with, do you have a pre-reader? Because there are not only many tense mistakes, there are so many that I am still in doubt right now if you had planned to make this a present tense story or a past tense one. The present tense story would actually be a rather interesting take on this story since the main character seems to be rather mortal, somewhat delicate even with her tough outer shell and with an uncertain future. All points that would be 10 times more interesting if we knew that the story wasn´t set in store, that the character actually could die (even if it is rare to end a story in that way, although if it ends as that will I take my hat off for you). It would somewhat make it more real... even if her situation is a rather unreal one.
And before I go on. I must say that this does look intriguing with how you have set you scene for the story. That we meet slavers that actually are smart instead of just a bunch of psychotic limb chopping maniacs that some others write them as. That we also meet a charming slaver, this Crimson who apparently owns a company, is also a smart touch. The world of Fo:E needs more charming and charismatic "villains", and yes I know that it is a bit early to call him that, but that he sells a whole stable is a rather clear proof that he ain´t a mommies colt. The only sad or bad thing is how the slavers have this focus on sex sale, wanting to sell all instead of just a few does it seem. I don´t know why, but it does simply just sound odd to me to take 90% (it is MLP still in a way after all) of your goods and keep them stocked up so you have to feed on it. I can understand why they do it with the young ones, a skilled labor would sell better than a non skilled one, and learning them things would give them a meaning in life and to a degree happy over something. But the rest of them, the un-numbered amount of mares that it sound to be, sorry it does just seem odd. Beside that does the game show (if we follow the logic of the game) that a slave is way more valuable than a prostitute.
I know this is a nitpick, and one of the bigger ones because it don´t actually infects with the story at all, but the name Aideen to a pony? Sorry I have never heard of an item or thing called an aideen, and yes I know that I am nitpicky now. I do just want to have my pastel ponies have pastel pony names, and not human ones. I can actually get into the same nitpicky mode when people name their pets human names.
So... Gaia we meet again. Last time I read about you was when I played Final Fantasy games, but I see you peek your head into the picture again. I know that there ain´t any official name for the planet that our pastel colored friends live on, but I have heard the fan made Equis many times by now, and do somewhat think that that would fit better than the Greek Gaia. Not that I have anything against it as such, it is just really really odd for me to read this Greek name when I know where it comes from, and to a certain point also the story about the titan whose name it is. I know that this is maybe a little late to say, and rather hard to change if this would want you to change the name, but I can really not see Gaia and ponies mix in this way. Sorry to say it.
I would say that it is odd to find something from the Divine Comedy in this story, both because it is a pony story, and so far I know do they not know anything of Christianity or any poets that got inspired therefrom, and because you use the Greek mythology when you call the world Gaia. Actually does the show take much from the Greeks, with both their hydras, manticores, seaserpents (okay they could had come from many places), pegasi, Cerberus guarding Tartarus and seaponies (even if they haven´t been shown in this generation.), but that is a whole other thing. What I just wanted to say just that it is rather weird for a pony to have a perspective of death that was made by a guy from Firenze, coming from the Cristian folklore, when said pony have had gods walking on the same planet as them. I know that it is odd to say that Greek mythology are fine and dandy, but the Cristian ain´t, but that is just my view on it. Beside that would I think that Hades or Tartarus, take your pick, it is almost the same after all, have worse places to put people than in a frozen river right beside a demon that noms on those that are to close to him.
As a Dane is it somewhat fun for me to think on others that see eighteen year olds as kids, as you turn into an adult with all the responsibilities and such thereof as eighteen here in Denmark and many other places here in Europa
Sorry I do not buy that she don´t know what the clicking mean. She is in maintenance where they have many somewhat radioactive machines, or purifying ones at least, or they do so in many other stories. Beside that does she need to look out for any irregularities, and radiation would be one of those would I personally mean. I am not saying that she can´t be written naive, but saying that she don´t know what that means would be stepping over the line would I personally mean. But I am also nitpicky at times.
As the last thing before I go to the nitpicks... But what happened to the plot about the time saving program and the rebellion between the generations? The plot got mentioned, and sounded rather awesome and enough to build this story on, but as soon as the big stable door got opened was it like that rebellion was forgotten. I know that this is the prologue and you can´t make them all to long and put all that have happened in the past into them, but I would still mean that it was a somewhat waste of amazing plot to stack this up, poke at it so it almost fall over in a spectacular way, just to hide it under a blanket named next plot.
And now that we are somewhat into the theme of what to have and what not to have in this. Would it not be overall smarter to take the disposition about the war and remove it from here and add it to the Introduction chapter? After all have you already begun telling the tale of the pre-war times, so it would not be weird to add the disposition from this chapter and move it to the one before. Because beside gathering all your disposition one place would it also mean that this chapter flows better, because I must admit that Aideen ain´t the best story teller as such at this moment. But maybe was that intentional choice and are reflecting her character.
Nitpicks:
Normally would I point them all out, but this time where I rather uncertain at times, mostly because there are so many jumps between present and past tense. So I have only pointed those out that I know with certainty are wrong.
"All I could feel now was the waves of pressure my heart sends through my body with every beat." You have some tense shifts here
"As if my life had been predetermined at birth" Either should this start with lowercase, or your ; before it are wrong.
"most of my life I simply thought the PipBuck is nothing more than an useful tool." You need a past tense was instead of is.
"The device itself is partially embedded into a foreleg and it constantly measures our health and helps administer healing potions and other medicines." Would one's not fit better instead of the a at "a foreleg"
"The "Eyes-Forward Sparkle" (E.F.S.) shows on a compass where ponies or creatures are and gauges whether or not it is hostile" You used plural here so you can´t use the singular "it"
"Everything has to go exactly according to schedule! My schedule (of not making my actual schedule properly) has to be perfect." You have two has here that should be past tense had.
"I instantly regretted laughing as it turned coughing." Are there not missing an into in this sentence?
"You can imagine the betrayal I felt back then." Would a better wording not be "You can imagine how betrayed I felt back then"?
"It started as a war about resources diamonds and coal." Are you not missing a comma after your resources?
"Little did I knew about years in the wastelands maturing you differently than in a Stable." You should use a present tense know here.
"But the hotsprings are sooo comfortable." You have a capital letter after an ; here.
"And the grand scheme begins to unravel." Should it not be a past tense began?
"I had so not cared about what was going on and that guy was freaked out. It’s kind of like ‘I wish I had been there’ to laugh at him." I am normally good at finding the head and tail in things, but this makes no sense at all to me.
So all in all would I say that this is a bumpy ride, but a good ride none the less with something good in the horizon.
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Okay, half of that I can really explain by simply saying: my feeling of language is not english, and it's the first time I try myself at writing, these two things don't really go well.
About the mythology thing: I got it covered
About the Planet's name issue: It's a tradition thing, you stick with what you know the name is. So some ponies call it that, and others that, there will be an orrery in the first chapter explaining a little bit of the world view
but it is still in the range of what I'll rewrite anyway so I don't go searching out all mistakes now
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.
As you work on the wiki do I work with my reviews, never doing anything halfly
But was it meant to be in past or in present tense? Because it is easy enough to look out for that at least. And don´t feel so bad about those kinds of mistakes, I have been working with both Americans and Brits and they can also jump in their tenses. Your vocabulary are large and well used, so nothing bad there. It is just your tenses that jump a little bit, and as said before does all make those kind of mistakes.
And god how I hate that I don´t get any notifications when you reply back to me. Stupid Fimfic not working when you need to.
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probably because you forgot to read the last chapter a week ago and only did so yesterday ^^
anyway, glad you enjoyed it
well...fuck
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Imagine the crazy mind it takes to come up with this shit
Huzzah! Aideen has finally lost it!
Wow... I can safely say I did not see that coming
writing finally pays off, I love the comments ^^
more please
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she never had it to begin with ^^
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the real crime is Aideen never finished in this chapter
rereading the story might be advisable at the moment, yes
don't worry, only like 25 weeks
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Well, if everything was predictable you wouldn't have to read it, right?
I hope it will get even more interesting.
so acording to luna's dailouge, interesting things could happen in the future.
... this story deserves SOOOOO much more attention. I will have to see about doing what I can towards that end. In the meantime, have a follower!
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oh, interesting things will happen ^^
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I sometimes judge a story solely on how the villains are portrayed, and in case of my story the villains are Aideen's emotional issues, but hey, let's safe the world, or something, along the way.
but about Craft can change the way she appears freely (like Aideen's 'Well crafted disguise')
and if Cirrus never has that one piece of information and thinks Craft is Aideen... you get the point
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always happy to gain new people and see they like it
I also feel like I should have more attention ^^"
but I fail at communication and advertising my own fic
so go and spread the word my faithful minion!
Also, I agree with Aeternes Bellum, this story does need more love! It's got some good concepts and above average writing.
Consider me hooked!
Yet again, another interesting chapter!
I agree, it probably was a tad short, but you more than justified it in the footnote.
Also, just one thing I noticed:
Should probably be:
But that's just me being extremely nit-picky, so don't worry about it.
Thanks for another chapter, and I'll see you on the other side of the 'hiatus'
DUN DUN DUUUUH!
I was able to read the first three chapters today during a train ride, i enjoyed it. So, my hoof of approval for this one.
The first thing that jumped into my eye: The text has lots of explanations. Especially in the Prologue.
But the only ding it did in the prologue was: Playing audio files.
The Pip Buck for example: You gave almost a technical essay there
Readers need some kind of context but shoving background, setting, possible outcome, protagonist and equipment right into their troath during the first few paragraphs makes it hard to get into the story, it might be better to introduce some things when they're actually come to use.
Later it continiues as you describe the same thing in two or more sentences. I had the feeling some set pieces where really important and you want the readers to really, really (REALLY) get them.
I found the foundation of the fic pretty solid. The questlog at the end of the second chapter was nice and i irritated my fellow passengers with a laughter as Aideen fled from the armor. I don't know what happens later (I plan to find out) but for now: Thanks for that.
A lot of FOE fics have the tendency to hammer theirprotagonist into the wastelands only savior instead of just being a "cog in the machine".
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I accidentally deleted the finished version but can't seem to remember the real one,
I'll just place it on the pile of "fix later"
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I know, right?
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I believe in how everyone has their role to play
Gaia Prevails has not the normal action scenes of fighting groups of raiders
more like fighting emotions and fighting wars
nice to have you on board
Awesome.
Keep up the good work.
Oh, Craft, you're crazy!
Overall, I liked this chapter thought, lots of character development for Aideen, not to mention Foehn is quite the interesting mare!
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I will ^^
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yeah I just really had to bring in someone who has their completely own agenda of doing things.
not just Craft, but someone who is plotting along in the background.
no wait, we already have Crimson doing so, but he is a too public figure for him to do much background work...
dayum... I forget how complicated this story is because I have the draft now completely finished and everything seems logical to me...
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hmm... you wrote that on chapter 3...
trust me you have seen nothing yet ^^"
Uhm... I just wanted to point out, that this does not sound right.
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oO
...
fix'd
So, Craft can see the big picture, but does that mean she lacks perspective from somepony like Aideen's view?
Keep it up though, I need to know where this is going!
Wonder what's gonna happen now.
There is something fishy about this religion of Crimson's.
To be fair they used laughter because the original target audience wouldn't have understood a word like optimism. Magic was just for obvious plot-related reasons.
Chart seems to be confusing virtuousness with stupidity.
lel.