Silvernis
Joined 24th Oct, 2012 ·
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Well, that was nicely made...
I guess.
Not bad, infact very good.
i really enjoyed that
good job
Could have been fleshed out a bit, but I'm not complaining. Very enjoyable, I just don't like stories to be so near the 1000 word mark, just a pet peeve of mine.
1941197
Heh. Flesh.
damn that was the hottest story I've read in a while good job and please keep it up
Thanks for the faves, everyone.
1941197
Understandable, and I do agree that I could have done more with it. However, it was based on a timed prompt, and the simple "bookends" structure allowed me to hit the points I wanted to hit in a small amount of space. Perhaps too small, but there you have it. That the finished product was over the 1k word minimum, even if just barely, was pure coincidence. I figured I'd toss it up here, because why not?
A pleasant, short read. I enjoyed this.
(sock fetish ;_;)
...
Kiiiinda wanted a little more detail on those 38 minutes.
But, alltogether good.
1946273
That being said, though, I'm not sure if filling it in would truly add anything of substance. I like to think that, as the story stands now, the clop is sort of balanced out by the characterization. (That was the goal, at any rate.) Another half-hour of Twi teasing Rainbow might be hot, but it might also end up being repetitive and pointlessly drawn out.
Yeah, I kinda cheated with the break in the middle.
1946357
I agree. But perhaps in the futur, add a little "filler content" here and there. Still a good story, I stand by that.
1946357
Little late to the party on this one, totally forgot to comment after reading.
Just saying, if played right the filler could make for further characterization while at the same time slowing the pace down a bit. Consider for instance how the duration of the teasing would test RD's lust against her stubborn pride, or Twilight's affected dominance against her sympathy and how much she cares for RD.
That's the wonderful thing about Slice of (Sex-)Life fics, everything from the extreme to the mundane can be used to show characters and how they interact.
Anyway, that's my 4am ramble on horse porn. I need sleep.
2041281
That's a good point, and one I'll certainly keep in mind for future chapters. If nothing else, I am going to try to avoid using breaks in the middle of things like I did here.
Hey, I remember this from sexty minute ponies! Glad to finally see it here.
2112235
These shorts will follow a loose timeline, so I was originally holding off on putting this one up until I had the intervening chapters done. At this point, though, I figure it doesn't much matter -- I'm not writing them in order anyhow, so I might as well post 'em as I finish 'em.
I like it
Muh freedoms.
Muh games.
>“Mah hat.”
sorry, I just couldn't help it. I'll get back to reading now.
I'll favorite to keep an eye on this if it still goes on.
2129251
It's going on, just slowly.
you've got a careful execution of the kink at play here, which i have a big appreciation for. the characterization, given the situation, seems spot on, and the elements of the dynamic you introduce, specifically twilight telling aj that she's close, rather than asking, is pretty hot.
in a scene-based work of this fashion it's hard to give much more detailed critique, but the only thing i'll say is that i can't stand the phonetics you use for aj's speech. i know this is a point of contention throughout fanfics in general, but it just seems clunky and inarticulate to me. we know what applejack sounds like, and even if we didn't, it's not normal convention to muddy a characters speech with pronunciations. some people can get a better interpretation of the dialect through spelling, but it's much more elegant to tell us how applejack sounds to emphasize her speech, rather than beating us over the head with it. that's a complaint against 'ah' in general though, so take it with a grain of salt.
there's also a lot of 'tell' in the exposition for each character's action. there's no clear point of view, leading us to believe we're in an omniscient narrator's head, which i feel detracts a bit from the viscerality of the story. sentences like
and
while not strictly forbidden, can usually be rephrased with a more emphatic or evident denotation of the emotion you're trying to convey. i mean, we have the use of the whole of language to simply impart to people what the intent of our narration is, but it's important to take care to maintain a separation, in any case. really, i have more of a problem with detailing the motivations of each character rather than the manner in which it's done so, but third person omni can work. it just doesn't work quite as well for things of this nature as something more limited, i feel.
oh, and a little bit of overuse of adverbs, but that's a stylistic thing.
i'm a big fan of this scene and the one prior on a second read, if only as a good demonstration of knowledge about the appeal of a certain scenario. it'd be interesting to see it develop the psychological mechanics of the relationship a little bit more, rather than just assuming on the part of the reader, but that's not likely why it was written. as a standalone, it's more than sufficient.
about as much as i can say. i hope some of that was coherent.
Daring Sparkle and the Curse of the Rainbow Sock
Gotta go with the Daring Do one.
Personally How Low Can You Go? is the one I would like to see the most, closely followed by Center of Attention and I'd Rather Knot.
In order of what I would like to see
Daring sparkle
Unexpected guest
and center of attention
The ones I would most like to see, though to be honest I kind of want to read them all now....
Do them all!
Alright, I got it reduced to my three favourites.
1. Center of attention
2. How long can you go?
3. Smartypants
Good to see you're still working on this.
Unexpected Guest
If you give a pony a cookie
SmartyPants
In that order.
Unexpected Guest
feels make everything more better
but the first one sounds pretty good too
Smartypants
I'd Rather Knot
Daring Sparkle and the Curse of the Rainbow Sock
If You Give a Pony a Cookie
In that order...
Unexpected Guest
Center of Attention
Unexpected Guest
If You Give a Pony a Cookie
The daring doo one sounds interesting, but really all of them are great ideas
Unexpected Guest is my choice.
Center of Attention
If you give a pony a cookie
center of attention
id rather knot
"smartypants" or "how low can you go"
Center of Attention
Center of Attention
If you give a pony a cookie
Give a Pony a Cookie or How Low Can You Go, with I'd Rather Knot in third.
If You Give a Pony a Cookie
Center of Attention, followed by I'd Rather Knot.
Thanks for the input, all. I'll probably let this sit for another day to pick up any stragglers, but at the moment, Center of Attention is in the lead by a single vote. I guess Rarity's pretty popular.
Really, this is like choosing between flavors of ice cream. S'all good.
Smartypants, Center of Attention, and I'd Rather Knot, in that order.
Center of Attention.
Rarity is best Domme