• Member Since 20th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 27th, 2015

McCrowley


I am a professional street nigga with a heart of kush. Honestly I kinda hate ponies, but I love 40k crossovers, if I do anything else you should know what to expect.

T
Source

The most screwed-over chapter in the Imperium's history. Cursed to die horribly, turn to Chaos, or both wherever they appear.

What would happen when one is finally able to rest after being placed in possibly the most peaceful and relaxing world in the known galaxy?

Chapters (16)
Comments ( 202 )

Not bad it's good to see a lamenters fan they are my third favorite chaper with the iron hands in second and the flesh tearers in first . Moving on good so far make sure to pace yourself and move things too quickly such as friendships or romances. If you need s proofreader let me know I love warhammer 40k and am always willing to help'

The amount of hate Lamenters get is ridiculous especially when we have panzy chapters like the ultramarines to hate on. Anyway i shall throw this on my read later may add a fav after i find the time to read it.

Gotta admit, I have seen a lot of warhammer stories. But this one is easily one of the best out there so far. Keep up the good work. Also, if you would like, send me the next chapter and I can do a pre-read for you in case there are any mistakes or awkward scenes that could go smoother. All in all, Love the story bro.

Wow... I was expecting a lot of hate when I opened this up at school... :heart:
I will do my best to live up to all your expectations!:pinkiehappy:

Well... because i'm so BALD and FOOLISH first i will carp with your story, what you made bad :

- Your names for Space Marines are ultra original. Gavriel Loken from Luna Wolves ( Horus Rising ), Titus from Ultramarines ( Space Marine ), Thaddeus from Blood Ravens ( DoW II ). Actually, it's okay to kinda steal names, but doing this from ultra-popular Dan Abnett novel is kinda bad move. Use Lexicanum and search for some hipsters one's.
- Okay, Tactical stuff. Warning, extremely carping. You said you have a Banner, this one holded in hand, no on the backpack of Seargant. Because Lamenters, as a Succesors of Blood Angels are following the Codex Astartes, only a Command Squad can hold ( Company ) Banner and Chapter Master Honour Guard can hold ( Chapter ) Banner. No, i'm not Codex Astartes lover.
- Commas. Put it dammit everywhere. "Line of dialogue Line of dialogue Line of dialogue" - he spoke - "Line of dialogue Line of dialogue Line of dialogue" See? Put it on the begging and end every dialogue line.
- Instead of CAPS LOCK WORDS use Fat Words. This just looks better.
- Amount of mistakes is kinda disrupting...

“THE EMPEROR PROTECTS!” One last noise, one last bright light,then finally. Blackness.

>Equestria. Twilight Sparkle’s Home.

Twilight sat gazing into the sky through her tele

I almost didn't realise that you ended a part of chapter here, and i was thinking that Twilight arrived to help Lamenters. Derp. Make it more eye-catching, that you actually end part of story here.

Okay, good things.
-It was quite short, but it was good to read.
-I'm able to understand it all.
-Actually, i could read more.

If i can help you more, just ask.

Stay Awesome

Verlax

I used a name generator from some site to get the names to be honest :twilightsheepish:
If you read carefully, you would have seen I had one of the triplets carrying the flag :raritywink:
The commas and all my formatting got mixed up in the transition from MS word to here :ajsleepy:
I was trying to get through that he was yelling that at the top of his three lungs :yay:
But I thank thee for constructive criticism :scootangel:

This looks mighty interesting.

No heavy weapons... But three paragraphs earlier, you mentioned a living Plasma Gun wielder... Confusion abounds...

1896213 Plasma guns aren't considered Heavy weapons :derpytongue2: You are probably thinking of a Plasma CANNON. :raritywink:

1896328
no, while it doesn't have the HEAVY special rule, a plasma gun is still considered a heavy weapon. A heavy weapon, assuming you were using it correctly and not just throwing words in without any thought as to their meaning, is really just a specialized weapon that is more powerful than their standard issue wargear. While a flamer may not be a heavy weapon, it is because it has similar strengths as their standard wargear. Anything more advanced and or powerful than that is considered heavy weapondry and usually requires the bearer to have specialized training in said weapondry- although at this point I'm going into military tactics. Its a fanfic, don't pay ne any heed! Haha

1896723 Oh :twilightblush: Well when I said Heavy weaponry, I meant things such as Heavy bolters, Lascannons, and a Krak Missile Launcher. Also, no Dreadnaught support or terminators around.

The Eye? Aka, the Eye of Terror? Great. Twilight is about to unleash unstoppable evil upon Equestria. Good one, Twi.

1898426 HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE You saw what I did thar :raritywink:

So Twilight may become a Chaos Sorcerer now? ... Yep. Certain doom will soon befall Equestria. Again, great job, Twilight.

1911522 Aren't they all chaos psykers? :raritywink: They can pray to their corpse emperor if they wish, but they utterly belong to Chaos :rainbowlaugh:

1911528 Sorry, ment Chaos Sorcerer. I like to think of them as the evil version of Psykers.

1911549 Sorcerer, psyker, pussy... They all mean the same to me :pinkiesmile:

You're all bio-mass anyway! :pinkiecrazy:

Cheers to a good chapter! :twilightsmile:

1913418 I am daemon :raritywink: and far beyond your concepts of morality. And thank you! I appreciate it! :twilightsmile:

trust me nobody is worse than me!

I would like to thank you all for the positive input :twilightsmile:

I would also love to hear any other criticism you may have. Constructive if possible :raritywink:

Very interesting.

1918273 Thank you :pinkiesmile: I'm doing my best

In my 40k/MLP Head-cannon I always like to think of Discord as being an Avatar of Malal.

1945291 Malal: the god of irrelevant hipster bullshit :raritywink:

But that does give me a few ideas...

1948975

I'm always pleased when my inane ramblings get people's cogs turning.

1951837 I take everything in :scootangel:
Like a sponge! :yay:

There are some issues in both chapters here. First, there are some minor proofreading errors, such as punctuation, but you seem aware of that already. And I'm not digging the ">Greentext" format of announcing locations. Any of the actual typeface formatting (bold, italic, underline) would work better. And Verlax is right that you should separate the scene change in chapter 1 better. Try a "hr" in square brackets "[]" for a horizontal rule.

As for the story itself, there are other things. In chapter 2, Twilight's part is suddenly in the second person perspective. That was very jarring. Second person, in the hands of anyone but a skilled professional, is the hallmark of an amateur writer. Just go back to third person, like the first Twilight scene.

And what's with Tzeentch? The Warp is inherently corrupting and evil, and the Dark Gods are bad, bad guys. Granted, of all the Ruinous Powers, Tzeentch is the most capricious, and his convoluted plans could conceivably include helping Space Marines and kindly ponies. Or he's just lying. These are all possible. But I have trouble believing that he's actually helping here because he's suddenly a nice guy.

Despite all that, this story isn't bad. I'd take some of the more enthusiastic praise with a grain of salt, but it's not bad. Keep working on it.

:trollestia: Ave Imperatrix Celestialis :trollestia:

1968256 I like >greentext though... :fluttershysad:
But that Horizontal line will come in handy eventually! I think :twilightblush:

Twilight is going to be... Confusing at times :trixieshiftright: Deal with it :raritywink: It helps my overall writing if I switch perspectives every now and then...

Tzeentch is... Tzeentch :trollestia: Parts of the story will be revealed in later chapters and his involvement and plans will unfold to the brightest characters.

And thank you for the salt :pinkiehappy: Pain is my pleasure :trollestia:

PORN FOR THE PORN GOD!

1968530
Just so you know, my way of "dealing with" stories that I feel are making grave design mistakes against my advice is to stop reading them. Fair warning.

1968549 I will try to do my best then... :fluttershysad:

1968555
Just saying. You don't have to do whatever some random reader says, but I'm try to be helpful, and I like to think I know a little about writing. Or at the very least, I know when I don't like something, so I felt I would be remiss not to tell you. I critique stories I'd like to see improved upon, so that I might enjoy them more. Your creative impulse should not be beholden to my or anyone else's enjoyment by any means, but your ability to evaluate criticisms, incorporate those you agree with and consider those you don't, is an important skill for a writer.

So, you can have two options, each with two reasons. First, you can incorporate my suggestions. The good reason would be because I convinced you they were sound ideas that would improve your story. The bad reason would be because you're afraid I won't like it if you don't. Second, you can discount my suggestions. The good reason would be because you carefully considered them, and decided that they didn't have enough merit to take action on. The bad reason would be be because you didn't consider them at all. Up to you.

1968649 :raritydespair: Can't I choose all four???

Lamenters: The Bad Luck Brian of the 40k Universe.

1993508 Finally becomes a Space Marine! Chapter master of the Lamenters.

Space marines usually don't live for thousands of years unless they are blessed by chaos or they've been put into Dreadnoughts.
Old age for a space marine varies but is generally around 400-500 years, Logan Grimnar of the space wolves is over 700 and is considered ancient, however the oldest living non-dreadnought loyalist marine is Commander Dante of the Blood Angels who is over 1100 years old.

TLDR: A 1000 years of service as an for a marine is way too long, for him to not be rediculously famous and bad-ass. As a sergeant who was still with his original squad of Marines Garvel probably would have had a century or two of service at the most, probably closer to one century given the luck the Lamenters usually have.

1994040 Those with untainted Gene-Seed can actually live for eternity if they wish :raritywink: They usually die soon though, and as such their lifespans seem short. But those who are incredibly lucky can survive as long as the Emperor if they wished. Night Lords, for example, have lived since the Great Crusade without much in the way of favor of the Dark Gods and are LIVING proof of Astartes longevity.

I understand COMPLETELY where you are coming from though. :twilightsmile: I only thought having millennia old veterans would make the upcoming trials seem... Realistic. :unsuresweetie:

1994141

Most of the chaos Marines that were around during the heresy are still alive, because time moves differently in the warp, (Like how a ship traveling through, the warp can arrive, before it left.) to them it may only seem like a century or few decades since the heresy happened.

As for gene-seed purity being linked to immortality, I've never heard anything about that. If it were true Ultramarine's and their successor chapters would be noted for their longevity. I'm pretty sure only the Emperor and the Primarchs don't age.

As for his length of service making upcoming trials more realistic, I don't believe it's necessary. There have been plenty of young space marines who have accomplished amazing things before they started moving up through their chapters ranks, and a century of service is still nothing to scoff at, especially if you're from a chapter as unlucky as the Lamenters, even more so when you realize that most of that service would have been during their penitence crusade.

Finally, most characters in the 40k universe are so bad-ass that it's really hard to have an OC come off as a marry sue,(You're OC will never be more of a mary sue than Commissar Abram gaunt.) unless you going for it on purpose. Besides Garvel just had an encounter with the Emperor, he could have had only a decade of service and be really bad-ass, For him the phrase 'The Emperor protects.' could have a far more literal meaning

1994295 FOUND IT! I was looking on DakkaDakka about this topic and someone said that in Horus Rising, Black library pretty much said they were immortal.

And remember, those smurfs have a retard for a Primarch :raritywink:

And Garvel hopefully won't be a COMPLETE Mary Sue... But I will admit it is a shameless self-insert :twilightblush:

Comment posted by McCrowley deleted Jan 21st, 2013

Separate the paragraphs when there's dialog between characters. You did the mistake of not doing so a few times in this chapter.

Anyway, is Garvel in Equestria or is he somewhere else? His and twilight's destiny was linked together here, yes? Just wondering. :twilightsheepish:

By the way, are you insane?! Roboute Guilliman is a badass of highest class! :twilightangry2:

1995573 When he was speaking to the Big E, I didn't separate their dialogue to show how the Emps kept interrupting :derpytongue2:

Right now, he is lost in the warp do to Warp Dickery. And you shall see if it is :raritywink:

LOL loyalist butthurt. U mad cause of your Codicks? :trollestia:

1996740 That's not really how you write it when someone interrupts the character speaking.

And yes, I am very mad. Prepare for Exterminatus.
3.bp.blogspot.com/-IDp0nIUz65A/TmkIJ421zMI/AAAAAAAAAms/MSiVKn9USx4/s1600/Poster+-+Exterminatus+2.jpg

1996774 It was to only way I could think of, having a near god-like Omniscient deity and a pretty ignorant warrior :raritydespair:

Lol, I am daemon foolish mortal. That will only delay my plans to destroy your precious Imperium :trollestia:

'The Codex Astartes does not support this action'
Someone find out where Ward is hiding!

I am an Emperor Fearing man and the thought of CHAOS repulses me, But add ponies messing with warp gates i become as giddy as a little girl. I hope this dosen't end in an Exterminatus for my favorite Xenos planet, My fellow imperials aren't as kind as i.
Long Live Princess Luna ..... i mean THE EMPEROR yea thats what i meant heh:pinkiecrazy:

I was really hoping for Korne nothing says FUN! like a dameon bursting from the innards of your friends (puts on Insane German doctor Voice)OOH and zee fires and zee screaming it makes me squee vith excitement!But at any rate Discord an agent of CHAOS i always kept my 40k away from my MLP i mean my inquisitors would just shoot them all,
but i digress i love discord and i like where this is going i rater enjoy MLP X 40K this one is different in a good way it has me longing for more. Dont tell the Emperor im having so much fun with CHAOS :pinkiecrazy:

2087684 Just you wait my friend... I have plans for everything :raritywink:

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