A Chaos marine of the black legion separated from his warband, an eversor assassin in hot pursuit, an untouched world unprepared for visitors of this kind. Glory, rage, and heartbreak are all that can follow.
Chapters (3)
The_Master
Joined 14th Jul, 2012 ·
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You should really replace that with"In the grim darkness of the far future..."
A minor complaint but it still stands. Can't wait to see where this goes next.
1835497 Well, this was unexpected. For a moment there I thought the site was telling me that I just commented on my own story.
As for the title Im kinda going for different sci-fi references for each chapter. Chapter two is probably going to go along the lines of star trek.
'A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away?'
Ignoring the blatant star-wars ripoff, that makes no sense and shouldn't be there.
First off, Warhammer 40k takes place 40,000 years in the future. I'd say that's the furthest thing from 'a long time ago'
And second, Warhammer 40k takes place in the milky way galaxy, and in case you didn't realize, that's the galaxy we're in right now. It isn't 'far far away' in the slightest.
Well I'm not changing it. All the title is is a sci fi reference. It is not in any way referring to the actual story.
And with that, enjoy the show!
1835616 Still doesn't change the fact that it's fucking retarded and you're stupid for even thinking it would be a good idea.
If everybody could stop hating the Star Wars reference for a bit? Thank you.
This story... I don't know what to think about it this far. I'm favouriting this story, but only because I wish to read more before making judgement.
Black Legion? Really? Please, Emperor's Children.
*Debesh cracks his neck.*
I'm going to be honest with you, Master. I like 40K. I like ponies. But combining two different universes with two extremely different themes and atmospheres is hard to do, and I've seen few that have succeeded. I'm not trying to discourage you; I'm just making it clear that it's going to be tough.
Having grammar and spelling issues in your description is an enormous turnoff, and if nothing else in your story is perfect your description should be.
That's how I would do it, although a lot of the formatting is more my own personal preference than any sort of rule. One thing I'd like to point out is that the whole 'kayoss spezz maroon' thing is a bit cliche; I think they arrive on alt!Equestria more than anything else.
*Debesh sighs.*
Tell me, Master. If you had a choice between reading a summary of the events in S1E1 and E2 or actually watching the episodes, what would you pick? Unless you forgot some detail and just want to find it quickly, you'd want to watch the episodes yourself.
I am not here to remember the names of Applejack's extended family.
That one sentence sums up the events of an entire battle, one that's somewhat important to your story. What better way to begin a 40K fic than with a battle to the death between two Spezz Maroon chapters? This is an example of a glaring problem in your story, an essential part of its soul that just isn't there. You don't have enough detail. What does the Omnis Arcanum look like? What does the inside of a Space Marine Fortress-Monastery look like? What does Latinus look like? Hell, if I didn't know about the Blood Magpies beforehand I wouldn't even know that they were red.
Take, for example, this sentence. You could put so much more meaning behind it.
That conveys the same information that you managed to give us in two paragraphs, but like I said, we aren't here to learn. We're here to enjoy a story, and the way you give us one to enjoy is by pouring detail and emotion into it. (There's a point where it just becomes excessive, of course, but don't worry about that for now.) A side effect of this kind of writing is that your word count will explode; when you see chapters with six, eight or even ten thousand words a lot of it comes from being willing to give description and depth to your scenes and characters.
A problem I have with the Eversor is just how little of a threat Mordecai is. From what I understand (and I could be wrong), Eversors are for the shit that needs to die. There's a Tau general holding an entire system together? There's an STC that was discovered and people are trying to make off with it? Corrupt officials are letting Chaos run rampant? Get an Eversor in there, because they will get the job done. But... the last survivor of a Chaos warband, who by no means has anything significant with him? Especially with a Space Marine army in orbit? There's no way they'd give such a pathetically low-priority target a second glance, much less deploy an Eversor there. Also, how the hell did the guy show up so quickly? Borealis calls in for one and poof, there's an Eversor on his doorstep.
I'm pretty damn sure a Chaos Marine can manage better than a bolt pistol.
I'm fairly certain the power field around that powersword would have stripped the teeth off of that chainsword in an instant, leaving Mordecai with a very fancy club.
Don't Space Marine chapters collect their dead? And call me crazy, but I think that an Eversor would be able to shake off a backhand a lot faster than that.
I was oh so looking forward to when the Romance tag kicked in :|
And as a final note, you need a proofreader. You've got a smattering of grammar errors throughout the story, and one should help you fix up your chapters a bit.
- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Reviewer
Also, Alpha Legion is best Chaos Marine legion.
1835876
Fuck you.
Iron Warriors bro.
There sure is a lot of butthurt in these comments... Am I the only one who read the chapter and understands that this story is supposed to be humorous? I hadn't give the title a second glance until I saw everyone complaining about it. When Boreale (who canonically lost in Soulstorm, btw) showed up, It was pretty clear that nothing in this story should be taken seriously. The Eversor saying "Wryyyy" (rather calmly for some reason, given the lack of exclamation point) only further proved it. All of which I found fairly amusing.
Since there's only a short chapter's worth of content, I don't have much to say. Aside from a few small errors and hiccups in prose, one thing that did stick out was when Mordecai meets the ponies and observing every little detail about them. I see this in a lot of "space marine in Equestria" stories, and it's really awkward. Taking a big paragraph or two to just describe what every last pony looks like makes it seem like Mordecai is just standing there with a notebook writing down everything he sees like he's going to be tested on it. It's better to describe characters as they become relevant.
The Princess Protects.
I have to admit, 1835996, the whole Iron Cage thing was pretty awesome.
1836070
I did like the Alpha Legion during the Hunt for Voldorius.
They really made me love them.
Never really looked into or read anything involving the Black Legion though.
Maybe that's why I'm finding it hard to enjoy this story.
I just don't know the warban enough.
But, Chaos always earns an upvote.
I do also really agree with something you said previously though.
The one thing I love about the Space Marine battle novels is that most battles, important to the plot or no, get a huge description.
I just love the way they go "Hey, this battle lasted about 5 minutes and it was simply the Space Marines of the [Insert Chapter] annihilating the enemy, we're still going to give you a 6 page long description." Just bloody love it.
I also agree with what you said to begin with.
It's difficult to take a servant of Chaos. The guys who - You Know - Love to kill, burn and torture everything that isn't worshiping Chaos? and throw them into Equestria, that place where cheer is the only weapon you've got.
The wiki shall eliminate your ignorance, 1836111. Apparently, the Black Legion was the first to flee from Terra after Horus was struck down. They still worship Horus, haven't appointed a replacement for him in the 10,000 years he's been dead and have a fondness for becoming daemonhosts. Failbaddon was a Black Legion Marine, if I'm reading this properly.
For the glory of chaos! I demand more!
not bad
1836152
I think you're reading correctly.
I remember Abaddon as wearing gold and black.
You are correct when you say the wiki will rid me of my ignorance.
Truth be told, I didn't know that. Thanks.
The Lexicanum is your ally against the lies of the False Emperor and his Imperium, 1836447.
We meet again, Master... And with a story to boot..
I like it. Though I can't imagine why you chose the WORST out of all chaos chapters. (Seriously, 13 black crusades and they're no closer to de-throning the Emperor than they were 10 000 years ago. Still, they're an interesting choice, since they're Chaos Undivided yet not as....batshit insane as the Word Bearers.
I shall follow this with great interest.
-- Emperor protects....Or in this case:
-- May Tzeentch still have use for you, lest he'll lead you to oblivion.
So, I'm just strolling through the internet like a baws, when I decide to go check on how my fimfiction account is holding up. I come in, log on, and holy shit! I find a crapton of notifications on my new story! I didn't think I'd ever be so popular! /)
(\
1835870 Too long, didn't read.
Okay just kidding, but thank you for your, lengthy report on my story.
Point #1. The grammar, while having points that can probably be improved, is not really that bad in comparison to a lot of other stories. I will however, look into getting a proofreader, thank you.
Point #2. The detail. It seems that I could go a lot more in depth into things than I did. Be warned though, this will take a considerable amount of time and you will have only brought the lengthened amount of time between updates upon yourself. Muahahaha
Point #3. I assumed that in order to conserve resources, they would deploy an expendable field agent to terminate the stragglers. Maybe they wouldn't but, I guess that is up to interpretation by what a fan thinks.
Point #4. First, I was kind of afraid that people would start bitching that a full on bolter is a rifle-esque weapon and would require two hands. I personally belive he could have easily one-handed a bolter but I was trying to adhere to what I thought the fans may criticize. I'm glad at least somepony agrees with me. Second, I wanted an actual fight scene instead of "I cleave through your sword and kill you, the end." and was at a loss of how to explain that away so I just countered with adamantium, the imperiums magic super metal. Third, space marines collect the gene-seed of their fallen brothers, it is only on rare occasions that they try to recover the bodies.
Point #5. Don't worry, I have plans for Mordecai and Luna. Hehehehehe.
1836060
INQUISIPONY.
FUCKING.
STALLIUS.
Omygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! Eeeheeehee!
And I'll try to distribute my descriptions where neccesary from here on in. :P
I live to serve, 1837423.
Good writing takes time; I can hardly complain ;P
*Debesh shrugs.*
There's also the possibility that I'm just wrong ;P
Eh, if he specialized in dual-wielding I can see him using a pistol. (There are specialized grips that let you use some rifles with one hand, by the way.)
t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQVQ8PmcGEss-TA-bZwuxmIf85VFBUfvHSo67Szocb5VsWYvg-EmWHiWZzi
lovignt his storym love the humour in it. MAOR PLEASE!
good,good,good...
1848984 dorkforty.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/darth-sidious-good.jpg?w=640&h=688
Ya know what this story needs? MOAR DAKKA!1!!! BWAAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!! WEZZA CALLIN TA WAR BOWSS TO FILLA YUZ UP WIT LOTZ OF SHOOTY STUFZ!!!
BLUD RAVENS! STEAL RAIN!
Ok in all seriousness....As a member fo the Alfa Legion's 12 company, I welcome this story. If I could post a Carnifex giving a Crushing Claw up I would, but till I can breed them, it will take time.
Till then
Yes, obligitory doctor who refrence is obligitory. Deal with it.
2102943
NEVER!
Ha! Just messing with you. It worked for a chapter name I guess.
Belcher glands
om-nom-nom his way out of cage.
2106332 Not impossible, if what I've heard is true. Space Marines, and by extension their heretical opposites, are able to secrete an acidic poison thanks to the Betchers Gland, a gland implanted in the mouth. Given an hour or so, a lone Marine should be able to chew his way out of iron bars.
WHY DO I REMEMBER ALL THIS!?
2108483 2106332 2103496
Aha! But what you do not realise is that these are MANTICORE CAGES! Built to withstand even the most withering assaults from a rabid manticore! Those space marines may be able to chew through normal iron bars, but they will never be able to escape a cage reinforced with PLOT CONVENIENCE INDUCED INDESTRUCTABILITY!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
But seriously though, it really makes me happy to see fans discussing amongst themselves like this. Pony on battle brothers!
+15 faith in humanity restored
warhammer crossover with out comedy tag... i must read
Bwahahahaha
Why do I feel really bad for not understanding the reference?
2234165 http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/creeds-tactical-genius
2234482 Cheers, can't believe I didn't understand that. I feel bad now.
Then again, I don't really play the TTG. I used to, but I was always more of an Eldar person.
Canterlot actually being an Imperator Titan is actually a good idea. But given the proportions and scale of time an Eldar titan would work better.
2246573 Eldar titans? I dont see it.
discord(a.k.a. tezeench(why am I the only one who will except the fact that discord is the changer of ways?!
)),you are a real jerk sometimes
1853392 everything needs more dakka,it's a scieimentifical fact!
2478974 My headcanon actually usually dictates discord as tzeentch, I only made an exception here because I've got plans for the both of them.
Hehehehehe...